Friday, July 13, 2007

Lessons Taught But Never Learned: A Newbie's Guide to the MOB Party

UPDATED AND BUMPED: This will be it for me today, as I see a trip to the doctor in my immediate future. I've made some small, but crucial, amendments to the rules, so be sure to update yourself before the party. See you tomorrow.

REUPDATED AND REBUMPED: (Sorry, D). JUst got home from the doctor. Fucked up my back royal. My participation in the MilF in doubt (which by no means means it is cancelled).

On the plus-side: I got prescribed a muscle relaxant. I feel groovy.

***

It's that time of the year again. A time when all members in good standing of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers and those aspiring to be such from all far-flung corners of the metro area (places like New Brighton and Apple Valley) descend on Keegan's in Nordeast to enjoy beer together. Yes, some of the best and brightest of the local blog scene along with a whole bunch of the irrelevant dregs will meet at Keegan's once again this Saturday. And judging by the long and increasingly bloated member list (the hallmark of any organization with low standards), chances are good that we'll see some new faces this Saturday.

As a public courtesy to the novices who will be attending for the first or second time, I have compiled a list of rules and etiquette tips to ensure that this party goes off with out a hitch. Veteran MOBsters are encouraged to review same. All should slavishly follow them.


* Know your place. In terms of traffic, the top 1% of MOB blogs and ThunderJournals get 99% of the total hits to member blogs. In other words, in all likelihood your blog sucks. Instead of bitching and moaning about how your betters are hogging all the traffic (or taking more than their "fair share"), why not show your appreciation to the proprietors of those blogs through whom someone once accidentally clicked over to your pathetic little site thereby doubling your traffic for the day? Should you be lucky enough encounter one of us uber-bloggers like the Nihilist in Golf Pants, Mitch Berg or Atomizer, politely introduce yourself, thank us for how our output has enriched your life, buy us a drink and be on your way. Also, please be careful to avoid eye contact at all times.

* At least one of the Night Writer's daughters is now 18 years old. Therefore, while you may ,safely legally hit on her, please ascertain which of the two is the legal one first, to avoid bodily injury.

* No singing. Despite my fervent lobbying for a MOB karaoke night, once again I have been denied. Reasons for this decision include, but were not limited to:

a) Terry Keegan didn't want to pick up the tab for the extra energy usage;

2) After JB Doubtless culled down the song catalogue to include only songs that were acceptable to him, there were only three tunes left; and

IV) LearnedFoot's karaoke stylings have been known to ignite passionate lust for him in many women who are present. To allow him to perform could risk the health of many marriages.

* No Hawaiian shirts. Only Sisyphus is allowed to wear Hawaiian shirts. Sis is one of the more popular attendees, and everyone wants to talk to him. His trademark Hawaiian shirt makes it easier for his fans to spot him in a crowd. If you get to meet Sisyphus, buy him a drink.

* Exception. Since nobody wants to talk to them, The Night Writer and our own Notorious B.I.L are allowed to wear Hawaiian shirts to make them easier to spot.

* Rubbing Andy's fuzzy head is mandatory. And, because it's been a rough year for him, buy him a drink.

* If, you happen to meet James Lileks, you must "mistakenly" address him as "Mr. Balaban" at least once. He loves that.

* No name tags. I cannot stress this enough, people. Any dweeb I see wearing a name tag will be ridiculed mercilessly on KAR, using as explicit information as necessary to allow readers to easily identify the offender, save for the URL of the offender's shitty little blog.

* To encourage Bogus Doug out of his latest blog doldrums, buy him a drink.

* During conversation, you must attribute any quote you steal from the AP or any other outside source. If you fail to do so, you must buy me a drink.

PRE-PARTY PREP: Here's a fun drinking game you can play to get yourself lubricated before the big bash:

1) Listen to the NARN broadcast the afternoon before the party.

2) Every time Mitch Berg says "ladies and gentlemen," take a drink.

3) During hours 1 and 2, every time there is an awkward silence during a guest interview, take a drink.

4) Every time King Banianiaaaiaanaianaianain uses the words "gosh darn" take 2 shots.

5) Line up a designated driver to get you to the party.

I'll update this as I think of more, and bump it to the top later in the week.

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