Friday, July 06, 2007

Moron Mail - New Boobies Edition

[Holds sealed envelope to forehead]

Logic. Proportion. Sanity. Boobies.


[Opens envelope]

What are four things missing from today's Strib Letter o' the Day:

The terror attacks in London and Glasgow are an attempt to destabilize and demoralize British society during the change in leadership from Tony Blair to Gordon Brown. Americans can expect something similar after our next presidential election or the inauguration in January 2009.

[Movie Trailer Voiceover Guy] In a world gone mad, there is only one man who can save us. By day, he's a mild mannered Coon Rapids chiropractor. But when danger looms and his country needs him, he magically treansforms into...


When he's not cracking backs, he's tracking terrorist hacks! [/Movie Trailer Voiceover Guy]

Rated PG-13 for brief nudity and pervasive stupity.

Al-Qaida and other terrorist leaders have a level of patience lacking in Westerners, and almost completely absent among Americans.

Proof of this: they can literally go years without taking a shower.

The carefully planned attack on 9/11, estimated to have cost Al-Qaida between $250,000 and $500,000, is still paying dividends in the form of thousands of additional American lives lost, $600 billion squandered on the trumped-up and needless war in Iraq, and our continuing divisive partisan politics.

Tom Boner -- Prophet of Terrorism! is missing something from his calculus. Ever heard of Afghanistan? Remember how they had a safe haven there until they pissed us off?

Oh bother. What am I doing? Ths is Tom Boner -- Prophet of Terrorism! we're talking about here; not Tom Boner -- Historian of Terrorism. He appears to have a blind spot. Perhaps we should get him a sidekick.

The terrorists can wait; there's no need to attack us while we're wasting our will and resources.

Wasting our "will"?

Tom Boner -- Moron Mailer!

The next big terrorist attacks in America will likely come when we have a change in government.

Says Tom Boner--Prophet of Terrorism! as he consults his secret copy of the National Intelligence Estimate, which he obtains using his special superpower: the Lumbar Liberator!

Let's mentally prepare, starting now,

(Rubbing temples) I am going to get SO geeked for that next attack!

so that, when the time comes, American citizens will have all the fortitude we displayed after 9/11, and our government will practice much, much more common sense.

Thus spake:


Enemy to numbness in the extremities and extremist numbnuts alike! Oh save us, brave chiropractor-seer, save us! A grateful nation depends on your, er, visionariousness!

Is that a word? It should be.

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