Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Election Marks Milestone for Unpronouncable-Americans

Republican Steve Drzkowszcizcski narrowly defeated his DFLic opponent Linda Pfhlistckrer in yesterday's special election for the open seat in Minnesota House district 28B. This election marked the first time that both candidates were from the Unpronounceable-American Community.

"I am gratified by faith the voters have placed in me," Drzkowszcizcski said, "I know that having a Representative whose name they cannot say, much less spell, is kind of the undiscovered country for this district."

In her concession speech, Pfhlistckrer also noted the historic nature of the election, saying "I think we all won today. I mean how many Johnsons or Olsons or Olsens do we need in the capital anyway. I congratulate Mr. Drzhgt - er, Drezogl, uh, Steve, and hope he does us intelligibly surnamed citizens proud."

Although the ballot only had a few items on it in addition to the special election for the House seat, some voters took up to a half hour to mark their ballots.

"I looked at the ballot and all those consonants made me cross-eyed," remarked frustrated voter Biff Jones. "They're names are so hard to remember, that I forgot which one I wanted to vote for. So I finally, just wrote in my neighbor, Fred."

But difficulties aside, the Unpronounceable-American community hailed this election as a victory for the under represented consonant-heavy citizens. Community spokesperson Jim Schtlgynski hailed the election as a watershed moment: "I think people are now going to realize that people whose names consist almost entirely of consonants can serve the public just as ably as those who use a more traditional number of vowels in their surname."

But noted professor King Baniaiaiaiaiaian wasn't so sure. "How are you supposed to write your representative or senator if you can't even spell his or her name. And what the hell is wrong with vowels, anyway? This is a travesty."

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