Wednesday, August 15, 2007

He Has the Journal, But We Have the Thunder - Part 2

LEARNEDFOOT: Good afternoon Mr. Tucci.

TUCCI: Yeah yeah. Let's get down to business...

LF: I take it that the union has duly appointed you to be their representative for this collective bargaining session?

TUCCI: They have.

LF: Good. Then there's no reason we can't begin.

TUCCI: Good. Well, you know our demands. We are prepared to end our strike and cease posting poetry immediately if you agree to them.

LF: Um, yeah. Unfortunately it's not that easy...

TUCCI: Oh really? Do tell. This oughta be good...

LF: Well, instead of telling you, I have arranged for this video presentation that, I think, will help you understand management's position.

TUCCI: We'll see. Roll 'em.

LF: OK then, I'll just hit play, and...

TUCCI: [Darth Vader] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! [/Darth Vader]

LF: Mwahahahahahahaha!

TUCCI: Turn it off!!! TURN IT OFF!!!!

LF: Not so fast. I'll stop this video once you agree to a few things.

TUCCI: Whatever... I'll agree to what ever you want! Just stop that vile video!!!

LF: First, the union will provide me a full non-deductible dental plan.

TUCCI: You got it - just pleeeeeeaaaase -

LF: ...and I want the break room refrigerator fully-stocked with beer - good beer, mind you; not that Grain Belt shit - every day...

TUCCI: Fine! [Crying] Just turn the damn thing off!

LF: ...And every morning I want one of Bill's delicious Country Apple pies waiting at my desk before I arrive, fresh from the oven and sprinkled with that large-crystal sugar I like so much...


LF: ...and finally, OPG has to clean up his own vomit from now on. If he passes out before he can do so, then you do it.


LF: Done. [Turns off video.]

TUCCI: [Weeps openly the tears of a broken man.]

LF: Shake on it?

[TUCCI offers a very limp handshake.]

LF: Good. I'm glad that we can finally put this ugliness behind us. Now on to more important things...

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