Thursday, August 02, 2007

Intellectually Deficient

EDITORS NOTE: In the spirit of KAR's continuing commitment to ThunderJournalistic innovation, the following is the first known joint fisking of a NonMonkey Column. We felt that this particular piece was especially rancid, even for NonMonkey, and deserved unprecedented treatment. Noted NonMonkey fisker Ryan, and not-so-noted meth addict The Head of Alfredo Garcia will join me in this groundbreaking ThunderJurnal event. If this experiment works, we may do it again in the future. If it doesn't, well, we'll probably still do it again since we really don't give a shit what you think.

You are witnesses to ThunderJournalistic history. Please comport yourselves accordingly.

NonMonkey: span spaz:

Nick Coleman: Public anger will follow our sorrow

FOOT: A little presumptuous, dontcha think? What if we find out that the collapse was due to an undiscoverable latent design defect that occurred when the bridge was built back during (looks at watch) the Johnson Administration; those halcyon days that Lori Sturdevant still dreams about when Minnesota Republicans and the DFLic Party were united in extracting taxes from the citizenry with a roto-rooter?

RYAN: Of course it’s presumptuous. It’s a Nick Coleman column. He’s the Presuminator, girly man.


The cloud of dust above the Mississippi that rose after the Interstate 35W bridge collapsed Wednesday evening has dissipated. But there are other dark clouds still hanging over Minneapolis and Minnesota.

FOOT: Quick, Ryan! Call the rhetoric police! We've got an assault with a hackneyed metaphor in progress!

RYAN: A quick perusal of shows dark clouds covering much of Florida, as well as northern Nevada and southern Idaho. I’m not really sure if these cloud formations are related to the bridge collapse, but I suppose anything is possible.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: I have it on good authority that there's a dark cloud everywhere Nick Coleman goes. And with Susan Lenfestey, it's plague and hemorrhoids. 'Strooth!

RYAN: I hate when people are funnier than me.

FOOT: Take heart, Ryan. You'll always have that picture of your ass to post if your muse escapes you.

The fear of falling is a primal one, along with the fear of being trapped or of drowning.

RYAN: Actually, my most primal fear is to die while reading a Nick Coleman column. I mean, talk about checking out on a low note. I’d be bargaining with St. Peter at the gates: “Please, dude, you gotta give me 10 more minutes to do something, ANYTHING else. I can’t face eternity knowing I gave Nick Coleman my last precious seconds. I’ll go to the bathroom! I’d honestly rather die on the can with a Reader’s Digest in my lap! Please! I beg you! Just 10 more minutes! Nooooooooooooo!"

FOOT: Why did I already know that the first thing you'd do if you only had minutes to live would be to poop.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: And if the phrase "perfect storm" pops up in this column, it'll be: a) pretty typical, and b) my cue to suck the pipe.

Minneapolis suffered a perfect storm of nightmares Wednesday evening,

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Fellas, it's been good to know 'ya,

{clicking of shotgun bolt}

THE CHILD OF THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: "Daddy? Why are you holding Mommy's riot gun in your mouth?"

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Oh, it's not a gun, junior. It's a new type of floss.

[TCoTHoAG leaves room]

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: {shudders} Look what Nick Coleman almost made me do. I must rededicate myself to seeing him unemployed.

RYAN: Unemployed always strikes me as harsh; but I'm okay with him being ridiculed nationally and exposed for the drooling loon that he is.

FOOT: It's been done. It didn't change him a bit.

as anyone who couldn't sleep last night can tell you.

RYAN: Wait. . . what? Re-reading. . . re-reading. . . I guess it’s kinda, sorta English. I’ll let this one slide, since there’s so much other hanging red meat to rip on in this stinkalicious column.

THE CHILD OF THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Daddy! Ryan said "Hanging Meat!"


RYAN: This is from the same guy who talked about sucking pipe earlier?

FOOT: I hate when people are funnier than me!

Including the parents who clench their jaws and tighten their hands on the wheel every time they drive a carload of strapped-in kids across a steep chasm or a rushing river.

RYAN: I’m not a parent, but I have to ask: does this actually happen? Are parents so paralyzed by bridge-collapsing fear, they pinch off a little corn nugget in their pants whenever they’re confronted with a man-made expanse?

THE CHILD OF THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: "You should see my daddy driving across bridges. Teeth clenched, fuming...of course, he's like that all the time anyway..."


Don't panic, you tell yourself. The people in charge of this know what they are doing. They make sure that the bridges stay standing. And if there were a problem, they would tell us. Wouldn't they?

RYAN: If you’re telling yourself all that, when do you find time to do any other thinking?

FOOT: Such thoughts plague me as well. Like when I'm walking across the floor. I always think "Gee, I sure hope the carpenter who laid this floor wasn't bombed on mescal when he put it in." In fact sometimes I'm so paralyzed in fear when I'm on the second floor of my home that I have considered hanging a series of ropes from the ceiling up there so I could swing Tarzan-like to the ground floor, with my feet never touching the carpet.

But then I worried about how sound the ceiling was, and scrapped the idea. So now, whenever I have to venture upstairs I curl myself up into the fetal position in the purportedly more structurally sound corner of my bedroom.

What if they didn't?

FOOT: Oh sweet Jeebus...


THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Nick, your trade-union handler is holding on Line Two...

The death bridge (RYAN: Good God. . . FOOT: Nick is as overwrought as much as the St Anthony Bridge was underwrought. THoAG: If Nick's Columnisthood goes all Nerfy while in flagrante delicto, does Laura Billings call it the "Death Johnson?" FOOT: "NERFY!" I love that word!) was "structurally deficient," we now learn, and had a rating of just 50 percent, the threshold for replacement.


On the "structurally deficient" count:

In 2005, the federal government rated the bridge as "structurally deficient,"
a status that caused concern for Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, but which does not
require that a bridge be closed or replaced.

"We know that the bridge was inspected in 2005 and 2006 by state inspectors and while there was some stress and surface concerns noted, they didn't identify a need for the bridge to be replaced," Pawlenty said.

In 2006, more than 73,000 bridges were rated as "structurally deficient"
while an additional 80,000 were "functionally obsolete," according to federal
transportation statistics.

The status does not mean a bridge is unsafe to use, Department of Transportation Secretary Mary Peters said at a news conference in Minneapolis just before noon.

On the "50%" count, well, there's no such thing:

Two years ago, the bridge scored 50 out of 120 in a federal highway inspection, indicating it was ``structurally deficient.'' The rating means replacement is needed eventually, not that a bridge is unsafe, Peters said at the news conference.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled "journalism".

But no one appears to have erred on the side of public safety. The errors were all the other way. Would you drive your kids or let your spouse drive over a bridge that had a sign saying, "CAUTION: Fifty-Percent Bridge Ahead"?

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Well, I read "Caution: Twenty-Percent Column" writing from Coleman all the time...

RYAN: Hey, fun game! Would you drive your kids or let your spouse drive over a bridge that had a sign saying, "CAUTION: 70-Percent Bridge Ahead"? Would you drive your kids or let your spouse drive over a bridge that had a sign saying, "CAUTION: 80-Percent Bridge Ahead"? Would you drive your kids or let your spouse drive over a bridge that had a sign saying, "CAUTION: 95-Percent Bridge Ahead"? What percentage of ghastly anal are YOU?

Oh, and for the record, I don’t think Nick knows exactly what he’s reading there. I think the bridge rated 50 out of a structural stability scale of 120. Which, to be fair to Nicky, means the bridge was rated less than 50 percent. But, because this is a fisking, we have no interest in being fair to Nicky, so we’ll instead point out that, once again, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

FOOT: Ryan *coff* look *coff* above *coff*

RYAN: Yeah, I know, we had dueling posts going, obviously. Cockmunch.

Sorry about that miscommunication there folks. This is a new technique after all. Remember - do not try this at home. We are professional ThunderJournalists.

No, you wouldn't. But there wasn't any warning on the Half Chance Bridge (RYAN: Wait, what happened to the Death Bridge? Bring back the Death Bridge! We want more Death Bridge! THoAG: Does Laura refer to a "Half Chance Johnson?" FOOT: Nerfy!). There was nothing that told you that you might be sitting in your over-heated car (RYAN: Why does the car have to be over-heated? Is Coleman projecting here? THoAG: Kinda like when he started subliminally ripping on Laura for running up the Dayton's Card. FOOT: Which made him... NERFY!), bumper to bumper, on a hot summer day, thinking of dinner with your wife or of going to see the Twins game or taking your kids for a walk to Dairy Queen later when, in a rumble and a roar, the world you knew would pancake into the river.

There isn't any bigger metaphor for a society in trouble then a bridge falling, its concrete lanes pointing brokenly at the sky, its crumpled cars pointing down at the deep waters where people disappeared.

RYAN: Oh, I think I can come up with a few bigger metaphors of a society in trouble. . . airplanes and buildings come to mind.

Only this isn't a metaphor.

RYAN: Neither was the airplanes and buildings thing, now that I think about it.

The focus at the moment is on the lives lost and injured and the heroic efforts of rescuers and first-responders - good Samaritans and uniformed public servants. Minnesotans can be proud of themselves, and of their emergency workers who answered the call. But when you have a tragedy on this scale, it isn't just concrete and steel that has failed us.

RYAN: In other words, Nick wants to focus on something else, and he’ll get to that shortly.

So far, we are told that it wasn't terrorists or tornados that brought the bridge down. But those assurances are not reassuring. They are troubling.

RYAN: You gotta love this kind of logic. It leaves no other avenue but to be troubled. If it was terrorists, you’d be all sorts of troubled. If it was a tornado, you’d be troubled because, damn it, why couldn’t a bridge survive a tornado? Who designed such a piece of crap that it couldn’t withstand a twister? Most troubling. Trouble, trouble. I’ll give you Trouble!

FOOT: I like to call that kind of logic "Nerfy logic"!

If it wasn't an act of God or the hand of hate, and it proves not to be just a lousy accident - a girder mistakenly cut, a train that hit a support - then we are left to conclude that it was worse than any of those things, because it was more mundane and more insidious: This death and destruction was the result of incompetence or indifference.

RYAN: Or AN ACCIDENT. Perhaps you’ve heard of them. They happen sometimes. To everyone.

In a word, it was avoidable.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Isn’t that how every Stalinist show trial ended? Since Stalin, the state and the party couldn't do wrong, it was always your fault?

RYAN: Isn’t it amazing how many accidents could have been avoided in retrospect? The percentage has to be around 99.99. I’m not sure if that’s on a scale of 120 though. I’ll have to check on that.

FOOT: What was that old saying again? "Hindsight is nerfy/nerfy" or something...?

That means it should never have happened. And that means that public anger will follow our sorrow as sure as night descended on the missing.

RYAN: Only if hamfisted dung-flingers like Coleman insist on stoking that kind of anger through misinformed and poorly-written columns. . . oh, wait.

For half a dozen years, the motto of state government and particularly that of Gov. Tim Pawlenty has been No New Taxes. It's been popular with a lot of voters and it has mostly prevailed. So much so that Pawlenty vetoed a 5-cent gas tax increase - the first in 20 years - last spring and millions were lost that might have gone to road repair.


And yes, it would have fallen even if the gas tax had gone through (RYAN: ARGH! THoAG: Psych! FOOT: Nerfy!), because we are years behind a dangerous curve when it comes to the replacement of infrastructure that everyone but wingnuts in coonskin caps agree is one of the basic duties of government.

RYAN: Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Coleman is one of a very select few “journalists” allowed to use the word “wingnut” while writing for a reputable media establishment. He had to pay extra for the right to do so. In fact, it cost him his credibility and his capability to be taken seriously by pretty much everyone, but I think he believes it was worth it.

FOOT: Not to mention that his assertion is just plain wrong. It's moonbats in tinfoil hats who are always clamoring for shiny new useless choo choos, while wingnuts in coonskin caps would rather spend the money on roads.

Writing stuff like this is so much easier when you can just make shit up.

BTW, Ryan: where's you get that coonskin cap?

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Ahem: it's called "knowing stuff"!

I'm not just pointing fingers at Pawlenty. The outrage here is not partisan. It is general.

RYAN: Despite everything he let slip in his preceding 112 words or so, of course. Just ignore that craziness; that was just old non-partisan Nick slipping off his meds.

FOOT: Aw, c'mon Ryan. Haven't you heard? He's nobody's monkey. He's told us so. Repeatedly.

Both political parties have tried to govern on the cheap, and both have dithered and dallied and spent public wealth on stadiums while scrimping on the basics. How ironic is it that tonight's scheduled groundbreaking for a new Twins ballpark has been postponed? Even the stadium barkers realize it is in poor taste to celebrate the spending of half a billion on ballparks when your bridges are falling down. Perhaps this is a sign of shame. If so, it is welcome. Shame is overdue.

RYAN: Um. . . yeaaaahhhh. It was shame that postponed it. It had nothing to do with, oh, I don’t know, statewide shock and mourning? Maybe a silent recognition and respect for the dead and injured and their families? An act of sympathy to help with the healing process? None of that? It was shame? Duly noted, you freakin’ lousy excuse for a critical thinker.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Ryan? Do you remember Paulapalooza?

FOOT: So a guy who's using a catastrophic tragedy to bloviate about how we're still not paying enough taxes less than 24 hours after the event occurred is lecturing us about...


This may be the most ironic thing ever written in the history of the universe.

At the federal level, the parsimony is worse, and so is the negligence. A trillion spent in Iraq, while schools crumble, there aren't enough cops on the street and bridges decay while our leaders cross their fingers and ignore the rising chances of disaster.

RYAN: Oh fer. . . You know what? I’ll let Foot or Garcia blow this one to smithereens all by themselves. I’m running low on Nick loathing.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Gotcher back. "Just think of how many bridges we could have built if we'd have ignored those Japanese in 1941!"

And now, one has fallen, to our great sorrow, and people died losing a gamble they didn't even know they had taken. They believed someone was guarding the bridge.

RYAN: I can see it now—an Accident Tax! A tax for preparing for every conceivable and inconceivable accident that could ever possibly happen. I mean, sure, it would basically be the biggest tax ever levied, and would probably leave most Americans with $10 to their name, but we’d be prepared for EVERYTHING. And then another accident would happen and Nick would write something just as stupid and myopic as this drivel; and if you don’t think Nick could write something this stupid ever again, then you haven’t been paying attention to Nick Coleman’s drivel for very long.

FOOT: I think that we should raise the gas tax to $80 a gallon and replace all our bridges every year. I see no downside.

We need a new slogan and we needed it yesterday:

"No More Collapses."


RYAN: Too late! This column already collapsed under the weight of its own sheer, oppressive stupidity.

FOOT: Well, boys, it looks like our work here is done; to wit: with all of our comments, parentheticals and interrupting nonsense, it's nearly impossible to dechipher this column.

I mean moreso than normal.

[Looking down at post sig] "Xerxes," huh? You know, I know this one joke about another bridge builder...


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