Friday, August 24, 2007

The MilF Liveblog - Tee Up!

5:12: Still no takers.

I'll have to continue this at the Post-MilF.

See you all next year!

(Except for the whole "see you" bit).

4:38: LaPlante gave us his score - -12. Everyone else is waiting, erasers over their cards, to see who goes next. I'm hearing no takers.

4:19: And we...are...in! Defending champ Mark...er, Mike Whatshisname four-putted 18 to put a close to this years' Millard Fillmore!

4:17: Learned Foot, commenting on his play on 17: "F___ this f______ f______ m____________ f______ game!".

Complete agreement!

4:15: Oh, sweet jebus; I can see the clubhouse!

4:00: Hey! Ted Mondale just bought everyone a round!

3:46: John "The Night Writer" Stewart, Nihilist and I are singing "Kentucky Rain".

3:38: Was that the ten millionth shanked drive, or the ten million and first?

3:30: I'm lying by the 15th tee box. I've gotten most of the mace out of my eyes, although the cloud still hovers over the area by the fence where Trenchcoat ran toward me, drawing the streams of mace and taser darts. On the plus side, my heart rate has dropped below 200. On the minus side, I think the attack dog bit my giblets.

The guy in the "Press"hat and swim trunks took off, hacking and sniffling up Mace dust, on the golf cart.

Back to covering the MilF, I guess.

3:12: Huh-whah? Screams of terror? The guy in the trench coat and the "Press" hat has snuck up to the pool, doffed his coat (he's wearing swim trunks with a "Press" pass tucked in the waist band underneath) and started trying to chat up Sheena's friends!

3:11: She'd like to know if I'd like to adjourn to someplace more comfortable...

3:09: Oh, yeeaaaah! Sheena says she's a nympho with an insatiable jones for anonymous bloggers!

3:08: Yost yelled over "girls by the pools in Jersey are the best ever". She laughs and tells me her name is "Sheena".

3:07: Oh, maaan - the tall, hot brunette with the tattoo on her ankle winked at me! I am so in!

3:06: Just gonna meander over by the fence, here...

3:05: Coming up to 14 and...

...hel-lo, what have we here? Bikini-clad babes gathered around a swimming pool on the property adjoining the course?

Yowza! This is much better.

2:54: We're passing the very-appropriately-named 13th hole. Nihilist was singing "In The Ghetto". Someone - Banaian? - chipped a ball into his face, knocking out four teeth.

He actually got better.

2:47: Jeezus, shoot me now! Golf is like watching paint dry...on a golf course!

2:25: They're at the turn, after nine. Foot and Bill are down a buck in the "money game", which sounds like they tried to stuff a dollar in the beer cart girl's thong with predictable results. I have no idea.

Foot also is saying he shot the "Greatest punch shot of all time", firing through a "tunnel in the trees" to "get on the green". One thinks perhaps he watched that new Jet Li/Jason Stathan movie before the tourney, if you catch my drift.

2:04: Miraculously, even though clubs are whirring away like chopper blades in Platoon, everyone is coming in between 3 under and 6 under par after eight holes. Except for Tucci, who seems to be like -14. Nobody's saying anything, though. And Obnoxious Packer Guy, who seems to think golf scoring is like football, and is current 28 over.

1:55: We're coming up on seven. I've let the guy in the trenchcoat take the cart. He wouldn't stop putting "tacular" on the end of words. "Golftacular. Dufftacular. Beertacular. Pooptacular. Whiztacular."

This post-MilF party'd better be worth it.

Can you all join me in praying for rain?

1:20: I will not be silent.

I never get tired of saying that.

I will not be silent.
I will not be silent.
I will not be silent.
I will not be silent.
I will not be silent.

Hee hee.

1:18: I drove over to the beer cart girl to get a drink around the sixth hole. Before I could get there, the guy in the trenchcoat and hat asked her "are you selling light beer because you're fat?" She drove away, disgusted. I drove away thirsty; TrenchcoatGuy slammed his Grain Belt before he got back to the cart.

1:13: Nihilist is standing on the bench by the ball-cleaner holding a two-wood like a microphone and singing "Suspicious Minds".

12:59: The guy in the hat and trenchcoat is huffing and puffing. But we're in a cart.

12:55: Obnoxious Packer Guy was hitting behind LaPlante and Northern Alliance Wannabe. His ball narrowly missed NAW. The Wannabe asked OPG why he didn't yell "Fore".

The Packer Guy said "I lost count".

Highlight of the damn game so far.

12:50: The guy with the "Press" hat and the trenchcoat is yakking about golf's phallocentrism. It's almost more interesting than the game.

12:44: There's only nine holes in golf. Right? That's golf and not just baseball?

Please?

12:38: Oh, this oughtta be good. Yost and Joe Tucci are arguing about which is better, Brooklyn or New Jersey. Tucci's representing for the old neighborhood, and Yost is flexing for the Garden (of sewage) State.

How about you hit the damn ball so we can see if there's really a bikini chick on 14, huh?

12:34: Oh, look. Someone shanked a shot into the rough, and is swearing and making "I'm gonna break my club" motions. How very unexpected.

12:26: I'm already bored.

12:15: Mark Yost (who is, if I'm not mistaken, a native of New Brunswick, New Jersey, and damn proud of it) just got off a decent tee shot. His quote: "Golf courses in Jersey are much more difficult". I'll file that away for later.

12:02: The guy in the trenchcoat is apparently reading this liveblog on his blackberry. He's asking me if I want to write for the Minnesota Monitor.

We'll have to talk later.

12:01: Or not. It actually rolled 20 yards, and he's taking a mulligan.

12:00: And ka-Blammo!, we're off on the 2007 Millard Fillmore, with a positively rifle-like shot down the fairway by John LaPlante! That puppy must have flown 280 yards straight down the fairway! HO-LY COW, LaPlante has set the bar for this competition!

11:59: He's still teeing up. Jeez, he is very particular about how he places the ball. It's like watching Monk go to a Godfather's Pizza buffet.

11:57: John LaPlante is teeing up. We're about to get rolling!

11:40: I will not be silent. I love gofl!

11:35: Teh guy in the trenchcoat looks like this fuy here:



































someon says it Northern Alliance Wannabe. I cant tell.

Atomizer is gone to get another bottel of sappphire.





11:30: Thisls morning is lgetting a ltos better arleady.

HEY! I SEE TEH FOOT AND THE MAROY!

11:05: Whew. At long last, Atomizer shows up. He brought his martini kit - it looks like one of those barrels that Saint Bernards carry, and it's got a bottle of Sapphire, an eyedropper of vermouth, and a couple of glasses.

Yaay! Booze!

10:42: There's a guy standing in the trees to the left of the first tee. He's wearing a trench coat and sunglasses and a porkpie hat with a "Press" card stuck in the band. He's looking...furtive?

Nihilist prefers the word "weaselly". I don't wonder.

10:39: He's singing "Burning Love" again.

Someone kill me now.

10:32: Well, that was interesting. We went to Denny's, of course - we had to drive an extra five miles, because Nihilist thought he had a coupon.

And then...well, don't let anyone fool you. That lil' fella can pack away the plain white toast with margarine. It's like he has a hollow leg full of Wonderbread.

And then, when we're done, he tries to pay his tab with a backdated stock option. They wouldn't take it - so I got stuck with the bill. He said he'd pay me back with poker winnings.

I need a drink.

It's back to Valleywood.

9:30: Nihilist called John "Policy Guy" LaPlante. Apparently the tournament doesn't start until noon. Thanks a million, guys.

We're gonna go grab breakfast.

9:20: And over.

9:16: Criminy. Nihilist is just sitting in his '91 Tempo, singing "Burning Love" along with the cassette player. Over and over.

9:12: At last, SOMEONE shows up. It's Nihilist!

9:06: While I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting, I'll run down the flights of "golfers" who'll be participating.

First up is Team Policy Wannabe. Which is the guy from Policy Guy, who I've never met, and the guy from Northern Alliance Wannabe. Never met him either.

After that is my so-called teammates from KARNation - Foot, Dementee, Bill and Tucci. Or OPG. Shinola, two years working on this site and I still mix the two of 'em up.

After that comes Team Yoaoaoaoaoaoast, which is I think Mark Yost, who's from New Jersey, I think.

Following them comes Team Rezidjewal Froces uv teh Nite, whom I've never met either.

After that comes Team Comment Trolls, which is probably like Eva Young and Tom Swift.

But I wouldn't know, because NONE OF THEM HAVE SHOWN UP.

Ahem.

There's not even a bar open.

9:02: Jeez, the 14th green bikini chick isn't even here yet. FOOOOOT?

9:00AM: I'm here. Waiting at the first flipping tee at Valleywood. Nobody's here yet. Typical.

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