Monday, August 20, 2007

Moron Mail

How to pay tribute to those victims of the bridge collapse?

How about lighting up a billboard that advertises a crappy beer?

Yep, you guessed it: it's the letter of the day:

To commemorate the 35W bridge tragedy, I think we should light up the Grain Belt beer sign on Nicollet Island, which has been dark for some time. I'm sure it takes nuclear power to run it, but I'd be willing to cut back on the Christmas lights this year and skip Hollidazzle for the rest of my life to get the big bottle cap up and glowing again.

I think the DSM just got a new chapter...

It's an icon, something that says "Minneapolis" and "cheers" and "city of lights USA" to people all over the world.

To people who drink beer, it says "piss-water" or "barf" or "puke" or "Drinking Liberally" or "hmm, this must have been aged with formaldehyde" or railroad-spike-in-your-forehead-level-headache.

PREEMPTIVE SMACK FOR GRAIN BELT BOBOS: We've had this discussion before. If you're from Minnesota, Grain Belt is Primo-licious. If you're from the rest of the world, it's undrinkable piss-water swill. But face it, you piss-guzzling flaming Minnesotans: if that shit were brewed in Detroit or St. Louis or Milwaukee, you wouldn't touch the stuff.

And I've said it before: there's a reason that my old, beloved (and now defunct) Fowl Play used to sell it for $3.50 a pitcher, while a pitcher of Miller Lite went for 6 bucks.

To those of you who've never had Grain Belt Primo, but have had the misfortune to imbibe Lite: yeah, it's that bad.

Reigniting it would be a fitting tribute to the river itself, and to all the souls who've gone before us.

And an insult to all the beer drinkers who died on that bridge.

We could do it at dusk on Labor Day, get Bruce Springsteen to come sing all that hopeful stuff from "The Rising" and "The River,"

Well, now you got Mitch's vote...

and we could all light red candles all over town. For the 35W bridge victims specifically, we could honor them with a bumper sticker: "Throw Out The Bridge Collapsers."

When you look up the word "non sequitur" in the dictionary, it says "see 'boner'".


Speaking of "Grain Belt Bobos," Bobo shares his favorite Grain Belt Memories.

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