An incident that just occurred inspired me to propose this new law. Since I am aware that there are some in the Legislative Community that read this ThunderJournal, I have taken the liberty to draft this bill so that you may introduce it at your next convenient legislative session.
SECTION 1. The [Unites States Code / Minnesota Statutes is/are] amended by adding a new section to read:
ELEVATOR ABUSE PROHIBITED
(a) Except as provided in subsection (b) of this section, no person shall use a public elevator to travel less than 2 floors up or down.
(b) The prohibition in subsection (a) does not apply to:
(1) any person confined to a wheelchair, using crutches or a walker, or who otherwise suffers from a chronic medical condition that affects the person's ambulatory function;
(2) those who are suffering from a temporary medical condition which makes stair climbing painful, difficult or impossible; or
(3) persons hauling heavy, bulky or awkwardly-handled shit between floors.
(c) Any person inconvenienced by a violation of subsection (a) of this section by another person who is not exempt under subsection (b), shall not be subject to any action, civil or criminal, for any ass-whooping he or she lays down on the other person arising out of that violation.
(d) For purposes of this section, "ass-whooping" means any verbal or physical assault including but not limited to:
(1) calling a person in violation of this section "lardass", "lazy-assed shithole", "fucking gimp", or other terms of similar import;
(2) advising a person in violation of this section that there are numerous stairwells throughout the building, that the other person looks as though he or she could really use the exercise, and that Lean Cuisine they're eating for lunch isn't going to help the person if he or she insists on being a sedentary blob of lard; or
(3) repeatedly kicking the shins of a person in violation of this section to the point when the violator:
(i) curls up on the floor in the fetal position and cries for Mommy; or
(ii) becomes eligible for the exemption provided in subsections (b)(1) or (b)(2).
SECTION 2: Retroactivity.
Section 1 of this act is retroactively effective to 11:00 am CDT, this morning.