Monday, August 06, 2007

The Sucking Fool

Hello there, grasshopper!

Hey, Foot. 'Sup?

Well for starters, LearedFoot's not "LearnedFoot". Instead, for purposes of this post, LearnedFoot is an anthropomorphic aardvark, named Artie.

Uh... okay then. Seems like kind of a non sequiter...

That's "non sequitur" grasshopper. Do try and get something right.

Well, you see I always read this blog written by a dog who -

'Nuff said grasshopper. So, what's on your mind today?

I gotta buy a new car.

Yikes. Artie is shocked by this news. Didn't you just buy that car a few years ago?

I did. It only had 35,000 miles on it.

What happened, grasshopper?

The transmission went fubar. Repairs would cost almost as much as getting a new vehicle.

Well, grasshopper, you have no one to blame but yourself.

'Scuse me????

It's your own damn fault. You're the cheapskate that didn't buy a new car before your trannie blew up. So now you're going to have to live with the consequences of your abject negligence for the rest of your life.

But I regularly change the oil and transmission fluid and do all the other routine maintenance . The mechanics all told me that everything looked fine, and that my car shouldn't have to be replaced until after 100,000 miles!

Yet your car went kaput after only 35,000 miles...

Yeah, so?

Transmissions don't blow after only 35,000 miles, grasshopper. Ergo, your vehicular catastrophe was foreseeable...


...And since it was your car, it's your fault. Artie means, it's gotta be somebody's fault, right? Res ipso lokwitter - that's a legal term that Artie's vaguely familiar with, and Artie'd be happy to give you an in-depth dissertation about it if you have five days or so to to spare, and can put up with Artie's windy, half-informed bullshit, grasshopper. But, long story short, your cheap-assed refusal to buy a new car before the old one unpredictably yet foreseeable bombed out, is the reason why today, you have no transportation.

Why are you such a dick?

Because Artie doesn't like you, grasshopper. You don't neatly fit into Artie's worldview.

Now if you'll excuse me, that old bitty Katie Kersten wrote a column slamming child pr0n. Artie has to go write 7 or 8 scathingly critical posts about that one, Artie does.

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