Thursday, September 06, 2007

Here, There Be Butt Cheeks

The following story is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

SETTING: A dank back room of a local pub. Seven conservative activists are planning whom to include in their new project, "True North".

EDITOR 1: Can we - uh - can we get started - people? Hey - Editor 3 -put down that kettle bell and come over here! Go Cubs!

EDITOR 2: Thanks for coming out today. Now as you know, some of us here have come up with an idea for a new group blog about guns -

EDITOR 3: - Minnesota Politics -

EDITOR 2: Right - Minnesota politics. Sorry. Our idea is that it should be a one-stop shop for the best and brightest center-right bloggers that our state has to offer. So I think we need to start out by naming some folks who we need to invite to contribute. We need writers that have serious writing chops, who are politically savvy, and possess a certain amount of gravitas. Just start spitballing -

EDITOR 4: Eye tink wee knead at leest haf of teh Fraters guyz!

EDITOR 2: Absolutely! Who else?

EDITOR 5: Oh, maybe Psycmeister, Night Writer, Brodkorb, Kouba, Gary Miller - all those TvM guys...

EDITOR 6: Don't forget about the Notorious B.I.L!

EDITOR 2: Does he even post any more?

EDITOR 6: Who cares? His pies are delicious - we need him for our annual Christmas party.

EDITOR 2: OK, Bill's in. Anyone else?

[silence]

EDITOR 2: Surely that can't be it...

EDITOR 6: Well, we gotta have some levity -

EDITOR 1: Levity? Surely you jest. We want to be taken seriously. The only way we can build a serious readership, seriously focused on the issues is by writing serious-minded aridly dull platitudes.

EDITOR 6: I disagree - throw Sisyphus, the Nihilist in Golf Pants and LearnedFoot on the list.

EDITOR 1: I wish to strenuously object. You can't win hearts and minds with laughter! Go Cubs!

EDITOR 4: Overrooled. Sis, Nihihihliss adn Teh Foot are on bord!

EDITOR 2: Yeah, lighten up Editor 1. What could possibly go wrong?

One week later...

EDITOR 1: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I - I'm speechless!

EDITOR 2: What are you gripping about now? Cubs fall out of first place again?

EDITOR 1: NO!!! Worse! Just look at this!!!!!! [Points to computer screen]

EDITOR 2: What? What's the problem?

EDITOR 1: It's LearnedFoot! He used the words "Butt Cheeks"!!!! In a post title!!!!!

[EDITOR 4 enters.]

EDITOR 4: What sems too bee teh problim?

EDITOR 2: Editor 1 is upset that LearnedFoot titled a post on the front page "John Edwards Has Two Americas, and I Have Two Butt Cheeks".

EDITOR 1: And then he says that Edwards can "kiss them both"!!! I - I have never been so outraged in my entire life! I - I ohhhh

[EDITOR 1 faints]

EDITOR 4: Hee hee. Thet's kinda funy!

EDITOR 2: Yeah, well even so, I think we need to do something about this. Let me call Editor 3.

[EDITOR 2 pulls out his cell phone and talks with EDITOR 3]

EDITOR 2: OK, well, here's the deal: EDITOR 3 pulled the post off the front page. He wants you to call Foot and ask him to clean the post up a bit...

EDITOR 4: Cleen what up? "But cheeks"? Me sorry, butt taht's funnee!

EDITOR 2: Even so... you better call.

[EDITOR 4 calls Foot and talks for a couple of minutes.]

EDITOR 2: So?

EDITOR 4: He sed "Go piss up a rope."

EDITOR 1: [coming to] He said "piss"???!!! Well- I never! [Faints again.]



EPILOGUE: As a result of this ThunderJournalist's use of the words "Butt Cheeks" on True North, my posts there have now been quarantined in a sidebar link, labeled "The Daily Fisk", reasonably calculated to prevent stodgy, stereotypically stick-up-the-ass afflicted conservatives from being exposed to the term "butt cheeks."

We now return you to the continuing coverage (everywhere else) of closeted gay Republican senators cruising for gay butt sex in public restrooms.

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