Wednesday, October 31, 2007

LearnedFoot and the Chamber of Morons

A very special Holloween Moron Mail.

LearnedFoot collected himself off the ground and attempted to rise. He didn't get very far, as sharp pains shot up the leg he had landed on. Foot dropped back down on his side and saw the delicious looking burrito he was about to eat when he was suddenly sucked into this dank new place.

A portkey, he thought. Someone turned my burrito into a portkey that brought me here.

And "here" was not a nice place. The dimly lit cave appeared spare and empty, save for the few rocks strewn about its floor. The walls and rocks appeared to be covered with feces, as if a million monkeys had a poop flinging fight here not too long ago. The poop was the only thing that gave evidence that some creature above the level plant life had ever been here -- but indeed these creatures did not seem to be far removed from plant life.

Again, Foot struggled to get up, this time successfully. He awkwardly limped around the cave, looking for a way out. He looked up and saw something written on a rocky outcropping jutting down from the ceiling. Foot illuminated his wand and pointed the light toward the writing. A shiver jolted up his spine when he read it:

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

The uneasiness he felt from finding himself here intensified into outright panic. He was in the Strib Letters section - no place for a well-adjusted, intelligent and talented wizard. Indeed, it was no place for a muggle either.

Suddenly, Foot sensed the faint odor of patcouli. Then he heard an ear-piercing shriek. Foot spun around to see a figure dressed in a hooded robe that was covered from head to foot with pins and buttons, all communicating some dim left-wing slogan. Though Foot had never seen one in person before, he knew exactly what this figure was.

A Shit Eater.

Before Foot even had time to absorb this, the Shit Eater leveled its wand at him and muttered a curse.

"Specious bullshitius!"

A ray of puke orange light shot from the end of the Shit Eater's wand. Foot found himself up against the not-so-dreaded Ignoramous Curse. The Ignoramous Curse generally causes its target to bang his or her head repeatedly against hard objects because of the curse caster's
refusal to acknowledge facts that are right in front of his or her face. Foot found these words coming at him rapidly:

Katherine Kersten's latest, "The pariahs of our college campuses" (Oct. 25), is nothing less than an analytical disappointment. She claims "stifling liberal orthodoxy where contrary beliefs are persecuted" yet fails to give examples -- only general claims. Making unsupported assertions does support the kind of critical analysis needed to meet any basic standard of excellence higher education requires.

The Shit Eater followed quickly with a Condescension Curse:

If this is the type of work being presented by students who feel persecuted, it is no wonder their analyses are in question.

The Ignoramous Curse is one of the most easily defended curses. Foot considered which defense he should use. There was the Personal Experience Charm (Foot had received a D on a paper once in an English class for an no more reason than overtly political reaction - an extremely debatable one at that - by the grader at the Univerity of Wizardsota once; and in another class he had a professor that did nothing but rip on Newt Gingrich for about 3/4 of each class period -- names available on request). Or he could opt for the Contradiction Charm (from Kersten's column: "'I definitely know of students whose grades have suffered because they became identified as a conservative in class,' said Dorobiala. If this happens, it's 'very difficult to defend yourself. The authorities -- your adviser, department chairs -- think you're complaining because you didn't do your work.'")

And, of course, whenever a wizard takes down an Ignoramous Curse, any attendant Condescension Curses are defeated as well.

Upon reflection, Foot decided to go with the Reading Comprehension Curse. He pointed his wand at the approaching curses and yelled:

"Pissoffus dooshbagius!"

Neon green words flew out of the end of his wand in a beeline at the approaching curse:

Dorobiala was one of the few students who agreed to speak on the record about the problem.

Foot's Reading Comprehension Curse collided with the Ignoramous Curse. The two curses melded into a brown ball of light, bounced around the cave a bit and then shot straight through the Shit Eater's chest. The Shit Eater evaporated into a puff of smug banality.

Having not been very put out with his encounter with the Shit Eater, Foot resumed his search for a way out of the Letters to the Editor Cave.

As he pressed on through the chambers, Foot began to feel a slight pain in his left butt cheek. It was the scar. In a previous battle with another Shit Eater, Foot had been struck by a Neoconnius Redherringus charm. The charm was so dazzlingly stupid, that it left Foot at a loss for words as well as with a permanent butt-shaped scar on his ass.

It could only mean one thing: the Dark Lord was near.

Foot quickened his pace, trying to ignore the still excruciating pain in his leg. And his ass. Then he heard it. That droning, sniveling high-pitched laugh.

"tee hee hee hee - er, *coff* *coff* I mean: MWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Foot spun around on his good leg and extended his wand. There in front of him was Strib Letter's editor, "Blog House Columnist," and LearnedFoot's archnemesis, Lord Tim O'Bonermort.

"At last, I have you," O'Bonermort sneered. ""You have dispatched hundreds of my Shit Eaters and have mocked me in your 'Blog Marts'. Now I shall have my revenge. tee hee hee - MWAH HA HA!!!"

But Foot was too quick for him.

"Extendus boneramus!"

A purple pulse of groovy light shot from Foot's wand and connected with O'Bonermort's forehead. The Dark Lord stood stunned for a moment, until he noticed the 8 inch long penis growing out of his forehead.

"What the - What the hell did you do that for?" O'Bonermort cried.

Foot was too busy laughing to answer.

"This ends now!" Screamed O'Bonermort. "No more will you mock me or my Shit Eaters on your so-called ThunderJournal! Prepare to die!" O'Bonermort thrust his wand at Foot and shrieked "Ima dumbass extremis!"

The dreaded Drool Charm.

A blob of words emanated from the Dark Lord's wand, rose toward the ceiling and arranged themselves into an ostensibly coherent pattern:

The news that Albus Dumbledore is gay shouldn't come as a huge surprise to faithful fans of the "Harry Potter" series. Look at the way he dressed. I mean, hello, Mary! I suspected he might be gay, but his character is British; don't they all seem a little gay? Author J.K. Rowling put all the rumors to rest when she announced that Albus indeed shared the love that dared not speak its name. How courageous of her. Rather than make the character overtly gay in the books, teaching millions of children a lesson in tolerance, she made it so subtle the revelation was shocking news. She gets no credit from this quarter.

The curse advanced slowly toward Foot. He stood transfixed at its sheer stupidity. That was the insidious danger of the Drool Charm - its lame attempts at humor, its disconnection from the facts, and its overall stultifying imbecility had the effect of paralyzing the cursed, confusing him to believe that it wasn't real since such stupidity could not possibly exist in the real world. The glowing mass of words paused for a moment, and then shot straight for Foot's head.

Foot remained in a stupor. The charm reared back and plunged headlong at him. It hit his forehead, bounced off and then shattered against one of the poop covered walls.

"Wha - what, now?" Foot shook himself back into consciousness. "Oh yeah: you are a retard."

O'Bonermort recoiled at the insult. He bellowed, "How dare you -"

Foot cut him off. "You are a raging moron, you know that? The sexual orientation of an elderly wizard in a children's novel is absolutely irrelevant to the story of the travails of a boy wizard. You turd."

"Listen here - " O'Bonermort protested, only to be interrupted again.

"No, you listen to me, jackass. Let me get this straight - you are banging on probably the best children's story writer of this generation simply because she failed to take the opportunity to use an irrelevant bit of background trivia about how she - herself - viewed one of her characters to preach some imagined virtue of yours? Am I getting that right?

O'Bonermort demurred, "Well -"

"Shut up! I have had enough of you!" And with that, Foot raised his wand in the air and performed a summoning charm.

"Dementeeus getherenowius!"

Seconds later Dementee apparated at LearnedFoot's side. "WHAT'S UP, FOOT????!!!!!!" he growled.

Lord O'Bonermort trembled. "No - NO! Not a Dementee!" His insides turned cold, and his now uncontrollable shaking caused the 8 inch penis protruding from his forehead to alternately slap each of his eyes.

"Dementee, eat this dimwit." Foot ordered.

"YOU GOT IT FOOT!!!!! COME TO DEMENTEE, TASTY MOONBAT!!!!! ROOOOOWWWWRRRRR!!!!!" Dementee advanced on the Dark Lord and swallowed him whole. A look of regret quickly washed across his furry blue face.

"OH NO!!!! ME SO SORRY!!!!! DEMENTEE SHOULD HAVE SAVED SOME FOR YOU!!!!!!!!" Dementee said guiltily.

"Not a problem, my man," Foot reassured him, "I've already got lunch." Foot once again raised his wand, and performed another summoning charm.

"Burritus inmyhandnowus!"

The portkey burrito that had brought foot here whooshed into the chamber and stopped, floating in midair at Foot's side. "Need a ride, Dementee?"

"NO!!!! ME THINK ME WALK!!!!"

"Suit yourself. Thanks for your help!"

"NO PROBLEMO!!!!!!" smiled Dementee.

Foot smiled back, then grabbed the Burrito, and teleported back to work.

THE END?

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