Friday, November 30, 2007

The Bacon Post

Ah, bacon. I love bacon! Nothing compares to bacon's crispy, chewy, salty, smoky, porky deliciousness. Bacon makes everything better. It makes breakfast tastier, fillet mignons meatier and scallops scallopier. I once heard a comedian remark on the radio (KFAN, I think) that if it weren't for bacon, nobody would know what a water chestnut is.

Spot on, brother.

There is simply nothing that bacon cannot do. Bacon is the perfection of the swine - the pig's highest and best use; the flavor of life; the ultimate culinary achievement of all time.

Bacon is good.

I think "bacon" ought to be used as a slangy term for "exceedingly great," much like "cool" was in the fifties, "boss" in the sixties, "bitchin'" in the seventies, "radical" in the eighties and "tits" in the nineties.

"Dude, your girlfriend is so bacon!"

"Hey Fred, I just got this bacon new car - it's got these bacon seat warmers!"

Here is a post I was going to write about last night's game, that I'll just write here using this bacony new vernacular:

The Pack were, like, the total opposite of bacon last night. They couldn't stop Dallas' bacon offense. The O-line was sieve-like, leading to the injury of Green Bay's bacon quarterback, Brett Favre, who had not been playing very bacon up until then.

However, notwithstanding the outcome of the game, there were some signs of bacony hope. To wit: despite playing on the road at Dallas (closed circuit to the NFL Scheduling Retard: it'd be really bacon if you could have the Cowboys to visit Lambeau now and again. I know that the pussies are probably still traumatized from the Ice Bowl, but 6 regular season games at Dallas versus only 2 at Lambeau in the past 17 years suggests some sort of agenda.)

OK, I seem to have lost my place - that's not very bacon. Oh yeah:

Look at the circumstances of that game. Despite being on the road against the best team in the NFC, losing Favre in the first half, being dominated in nearly every facet of the game, and suffering through some of the worst home-town officiating this ThunderJournalist has witnessed since the United States basketball team "lost" to the Soviets in the '72 Olympics, the Pack had the ball and a chance to tie the game with less than 5 minutes to play in the game.

Imagine if they had played bacon. Or if the refs weren't in Jerry Jones' pocket. I see bacon things for this team through the playoffs and beyond.

How frickin' bacon did that sound?

Plus, as an added bonus, "bacon" can be used as the opposite of a FAIL, like this:

So to summarize:

Old and busted: "good" "nice" etc.

New hotness: "bacon"

Have a bacon weekend.


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