Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Just Another Day at KAR Central

(Scene: Orientation day for new employees at Kool Aid Report. The Head of Alfredo Garcia (THOAG) is showing Analog Kid (AK) and the Iron Matron (IM) around).


The Head of Alfredo Garcia (THOAG): ...OK, the break room is over there. But you might wanna eat at your desk; between Dementee's leftover moonbat gore and Obnoxious Packer Guy's vomit slicks, it's really kinda...

Iron Matron (IM): Well, we'll fix that straight away...

THOAG: Well, heh, good luck with that. We've been doing this for a couple of years, and...

IM: I said [slapping passing lackey with riding crop] we'll fix that straight away.

THOAG: [Nonplussed] Riiiiight. OK. So, let's walk into cubeland here and introduce everyone. Over here is Dementee...

Dementee: NEWBIES! DEMENTEE LIKE NEWBIES!

THOAG: You really don't want to press him on what he means by that. Over across the aisle in cube two we have...[notes empty cube]...well, we're supposed to have the Notorious B.I.L. He's our graphics maestro. And, well, he's...out on assignment, I guess you could say.

Iron Matron: Well, we'll fix that straight away, too...

THOAG: You're big on that "fixing right away", aren't you? You'll fit in...well, you'll fit in interestingly around here. OK, over here kittycorner is Xerxes, one of our contractors here doing some temp work with the fisking engine. Xerk, I'd like you to meet our new employees. This is Iron Matron...

Xerxes: How do you poo!

THOAG: ...and Analog Kid.

Xerxes: Can we call you "Anal" for short?

Analog Kid: That'd be pretty dumb...

Xerxes: Cool! Nice to meet you!

[Noises off: Banging, yelling]

THOAG: We'll be taking the new employees out for lunch later today, Xerxes. Hope you can make it. OK, there's my cube. The one that's full of paperwork. They stuck me with HR duty. State regulations and all that. Blah. I hate my life. OK, who else? Oh, OK, in the corner is the boss, Joe Tucci. You know him as "Learned Foot", I bet...

[Noises off: Banging, yelling. AK and IM take note]

Analog Kid: No, not really...

THOAG: OK, or as Joe Tucci - that's kinda new...

[Noises off: Banging, yelling; AK and IM look concerned]

Analog Kid: No, not really that either...

THOAG: Ah. Well, you'll get to know 'em.

Analog Kid: say, what is that noise?

THOAG: Oh, just the people from Dump Bachmann. They got more traffic in the last two weeks than they've gotten since the '06 election, and they want us to "read their blog" some more. They have more nicknames. I think they called the Packer Guy "His Obnoxious Packerguyosity" or something like that. We like to mess with 'em; last week, I bought a women's high-heel shoe at Goodwill, had Xerxes wipe his ass with it, and tossed it out the window, yelling "It's Michele Bachmann's Shoe!". They went nuts. One of 'em ate the shoe...

Dementee: I HEAR THAT!

THOAG: It's all over, Dee! OK. So here are your cubes. I have a pile of handouts - open enrollment, 401K registration, dependent care...what else? Oh, yeah. Sexual harassment training...

Iron Matron: I'll take care of that [delivered with a menacing glare]

THOAG: Er, no, I gotta have something to do around here. OK - here are your ID badges...

(And...scene!)

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