Monday, November 19, 2007

MOB AG Advisory Opinion #07-01: The Care and Feeding of Stalkers

Over the weekend, certain MOB bloggers and ThunderJournalists got their very own cyberstalker. Since few (if any) MOB members have run for or achieved a public office high enough to attract the attention of a cyberstalker, this may be new to many of you. Therefore, pursuant to my role as MOB Attorney General, I offer these simple dos and don'ts regarding your dealings with a stalker.

1) DO NOT comment on any of the cyberstalker's 70 71-odd websites. Commenting on a stalker site can provide the stalker with valuable information to aid his stalking habit.

2) DO carry mace with you whenever you go out into public.

3) DO NOT peremptorily mace your stalker. This is usually illegal. Wait for your stalker to do something that makes you feel in immediate apprehension of imminent bodily harm before emptying your can on the fucker. I know this rule may be disappointing to some, but the law is the law.

4) DO ruthlessly mock your stalker.

5) DO NOT try to reason with your stalker. Either mock him (by using his own tactics against him) or ignore him altogether. It will take more time than you have to fill out all his half-truths, refute his lies, provide the contexts he's stripped out and point out all of his unintentional ironies (like calling you an "attack blogger" on his attack blog). On the other hand, your stalker has a virtually unlimited amount of time to publish what is basically variations on the same post 80,000 times.

6) DO enjoy a beer or seven at the next MOB party. Stalkers seem to think this is somehow anti-social behavior.

7) Protect yourself from copyright infringement. DO NOT post pictures of yourself , your friends or your family in any public place. These things are the food that fuels your creepy stalker.

8) DO NOT use the words "transit" and "personal" and "rapid" together in the same sentence on your blog or ThunderJournal. This will cause your stalker to go berserk, no matter in what context those words appear.

9) DO allow your stalker to keep indulging his stereotypes. The deeper he delves into them, the sillier he looks.

10) DO NOT provide your stalker with anything he might see as material. Be judicious about what you write and post. If the only thing your stalker can come up with is a dashed off photoshop you did parodying his own skills, and some overblown, half-true incident that happened over two years ago, you're doing a good job.

11) DO google-bomb your stalker. Stalkers need traffic too.

12) DO make copious use of FAIL images whenever referring to your stalker on your blog, ThunderJournal or in a comment thread. Here is an example of an appropriate FAIL image:

With some prudence, good judgment and preparation, you can make your stalker an enduring source of amusement and self-esteem augmentation. So let's all be careful out there, OK?

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