Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Morons + Poop = $$$$

I am announcing my retirement. I have discovered a lucrative new field that requires little investment or effort to return millions of dollars.

I am going into illegal narcotics dealing.

Yes, you heard me right. I'm gonna be a drug dealer. Well, that's not quite accurate: I'm going to be a drug manufacturer. I have left for later the decision on whether or not I will vertically integrate a retail end into my new enterprise.

Oh, fear not. I won't be growing hemp in my basement or endangering the lives of my loved ones and neighbors by cooking up meth in my kitchen. Nope. Nosireebob. The highly potent hallucinogen I plan on selling is 100% legal to produce. In fact, I'm pretty sure that any laws banning the production of this particular drug would be facially unconstitutional.

And the best part: I can produce pounds of this stuff every single day:

We're not sure what they're inhaling down in Collier County, Florida, but here's the bizarre "information bulletin" prepared by the local sheriff's intelligence bureau about a purported "new drug" favored by the kids. It's an inhalant called "Jenkem," and causes hallucinations and a "euphoric high." Of course, as the bulletin notes, Jenkem users dislike its sewagey taste, which can last for days. That's because Jenkem's active ingredients are urine and fecal matter, hence its street names like "Butthash" and "Fruit from Crack Pipe."

LEARNEDFOOT: Psst. Hey you? Wanna get high?

STONER #1: Sure! How much?

LEARNEDFOOT: Twenty bucks.

STONER #1: Deal! [Hands FOOT a $20 bill]

LEARNEDFOOT: Excuse me for a moment. [Goes into bathroom stall]

LEARNEDFOOT: *grunt* *poot* *gruuuuuuuunt* *BWAAAARRRRP* *plop* *plop*

LEARNEDFOOT: [Emerges from stall] Here you go!

STONER #1: Sweeeeeet! This looks like some top shelf stuff, dude!

LEARNEDFOOT: It is. I had a burrito for dinner last night.

[Later]

STONER #2: Dude. Wazzap?

STONER #1: I just scored some primo shit...

The jokes write themselves.

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