Tuesday, December 18, 2007

THE 2007 MINNESOTA SUCKY BLOG AWARDS

Since this is our inaugural season and the nomination process has been brief (it started 15 minutes ago), this year's production shouldn't run past its allotted 5 hour time slot, like some other award presentations. So let's jump right in to the categories and the "winners" who will be taking home the coveted "Suckie":

CATEGORY: WORST POST BY A MINNESOTA BLOG IN 2007.

The Nominees Are: Anti-Strib for "Dirt Worshiping Heathens" and pretty much every post on "Blog of the Moderate Left"

And the Suckie goes to...

Bogus Doug for his post entitled "Yes I'm Alive"!

This July 11th post wins the Worst Post Suckie for remaining at the top of his blog while proclaiming in the first 2 sentences: "Yes, I'm still here. Yes, I still intend to post."

The post becomes increasingly unintentionally funny as time wears on by forcing us to pause and mentally ask the rhetorical question "Yes, but are you alive now?" There was brief period just after the 35W bridge went down when it ceased being humorous to see that post still atop Bogus Gold. But as far as we could ascertain, he wasn't on the victim list.

Congrats Doug! Would it be too much to expect an acceptance post?

It would? Well, OK then...

On to the next category, which is:

CATEGORY: WORST SPORTS SMACK IN A BLOG POST

No nominees. The Winner is Chad the Elder's "losing seasons are good 'cuz you get high draft picks; winning is for losers," post and it wasn't even close. We especially loved Chad's dig at Green Bay's ground game. We think it may have been like the SI Cover Jinx in reverse.

CATEGORY: WORST MEME

The nominees are:

That one meme where you are supposed to list 7 items about yourself that most people don't know, but throw in some lies too (eg. 1. I was born in Detroit, 2. My farts are used as currency in Indonesia, etc.)

That one about music - you know the one I'm talking about - all of them; and

w00t

And the Suckie goes to:

Insufferable Democrat twits who insist that you include "ic" in "Democratic" when referring to the "Democrat Party." I don't know if this started with their Messiah Kos or if it was just a memo they all got, but several months ago, all of a sudden, if you left a comment on a lefty blog that included "Democrat Party" you would be assailed with a smug rejoinder from the blog owner along the lines of "It's the party of democracy, therefore, it's the D-E-M-O-C-R-A-T-I-C Party".

No, it's the party of using linguistic gimmicks to frame the debate and of small minded fools who are all to willing to make themselves look like banal, condescending asses because George Lackoff told them to.

But since there's no suffix for that, I've taken to referring to the Party of Carter as the "Domocratosian" Party, or the "Democratian" Party.

Oh, you've never heard of this meme? Well, head on over to, say, the Minnesota Monitor, penetrate its high-security comment registration system, post a comment that includes "Democrat Party", and watch the smug roll in. In fact, do it a lot. On all the lefty blogs. The more time they spend focusing on banal meaningless bullshit like this, the less time they'll have to come up with more ways to tax you.

What? Oops. Forgot - this is an awards show. I shouldn't be making political statements.

So, finally, the Big Category:

CATEGORY: WORST BLOG IN 2007

And the nominees are:

The Kool Aid Report - When the calendar rolled over to 2007, KAR's Muse flew the coop. With ever increasing restraints on the KARnies' time along with an abysmal dearth of material and a lack of conflict with the Nihilist in Golf Pants, KAR sunk to depths of suckitude not seen there before. The spike in the number of "Sisyphus Open Threads" gave silent testimony to the apathy and ennui suffered by its staff. News of sherry enema-related deaths as well as a renewed focus on stealing jokes from Fark decreased the amount of suck toward the end of the year, but not enough to save it from nomination for Worst Blog.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants - Due to the increase of Sisyphus Open Threads at KAR, NIGP's all star blogger Sisyphus dedicated less time posting on his home blog. That meant that Misanthropic Frat Boy and the eponymous Nihilist had to pick up the slack. The results were disastrous.

The Daily Mole - Left-wing suck. Failed attempts at humor suck. Hipster suck. The DM has covered all the bases, and it's only a couple months old. Any blog that regurgitates noted Dumpster Karl B's guilt by association blather or allows a sentence like this to appear on it's pages:

Atrios lovingly labels the mortgage meltdown as a pile of poo, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that while inner-city neighborhoods have been shat upon, those are troubled places used to such muck; the real gonad-shrinking panic is emanating from the petro-enabled Outer Burbosphere, whose overvalued aura of Manifest Destiny may exhibit a steeper downward arc than our own fading American empire.

is an automatic contender for a Worst Blog Suckie.

(Good God! I can't even begin to list all the different kinds of suck in that excerpt...)

Ahem. Anyway, the Suckie goes to...

[Dramatic pause]

ERIC BLACK INK!

Yes, from his quasi-religous zeal to get Rachel Paulose sacked (much to the delight of locals engaged in the White Slavery industry) to his quasi-religious zeal to slime Michele Bachmann with anything - up to and including printing the half-informed non-story prattle of the aforementioned Dumpster Karl - Black found new and innovative ways to suck in 2007. He owes his Suckie not so much for the intensity of his suckiness as for the mouth-gaping length of his descent from respected political beat reporter and institutional blogger to just another yellow partisan hack job. No smear was too banal. No story was too trite to print (if it could be used or misused to take a swipe at his two favorite targets). One would think that a former reporter with over 20 years of accumulated contacts could put out some enlightening and compelling political insight. Instead, we got a guy who helped a couple of his friends get a boss whom they did not like fired.

Way to go Eric! And thanks for preventing me from having to give this award to myself!

See you next year at the 2008 Suckies.

DISCLAIMER: Many in the audience may be dismayed at the absence of certain local blogs that might be considered "shoe ins" for a Suckie. However, the Suckie Committee only considered noteworthy blogs - blogs that while extremely crappy, could still justify their own existence for some reason or other. Those blogs that you're thinking of could hardly be considered "noteworthy".

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