Monday, December 10, 2007

Behind the Scenes of the KAR Presidential Endorsement Process

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: [Panting out of breath] Thanks to all of you for coming to this emergency meeting on such short notice.

BILL: This had better be important. I am currently baking a very special Holiday pie!

XERES: Yeah, and I had to cut one off short before it was...

LEARNEDFOOT: [Interrupting] OK, Head, what's the crisis?

HOAG: [Shaking a piece of paper] This is the crisis. Listen to this [Reading]:

Academy Award-winning actor Sean Penn endorsed Dennis Kucinich for president in San Francisco Friday.

Penn made what had been billed as a "major political statement" at San Francisco State University
.

IRON MATRON: *gasp* No!

HOAG: There's more [Reading]:

Penn was set to deliver "a blistering indictment of political leaders and an impassioned endorsement of Presidential proportions," according to a Kucinich press release.

In the speech entitled, "Piano Wire Puppeteers," Penn railed against not only President Bush, but Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

"While I'm not a proponent of the Death Penalty, existing law provides that the likes of Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice, if found guilty, could have hoods thrown over their heads, their hands bound, facing a 12-man rifle corps executing death by firing squad," Penn said
.

LF: [Shaking head despondently] Damn.

DEMENTEE: MMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! DENNIS KUCINICH!!!!! YUMMY!!!!!!

ANALOG KID: WTF?

HOAG: Don't you get it man? The Season of Superfluous Self-Important Political Endorsements That Carry No Weight Yet Are for Some Reason Made Anyway (SOSSIPETCNWYAFSRMA) has begun. Without us! We're suposed to be first with absurd banal crap.

LF: He's right - we've been scooped. By Sean-fucking-Penn. And he scooped us in style. FAIL!

BILL: True dat yo. The only way it could have been any better would have been if he would had endorsed that ranting nonfactor Gravel.

HOAG: I think it's pronounced "Grah-VEL".

BILL: Whatever. [Does "talk to the hand" gesture"]

LF: Let's stop bickering guys. We've gotta to get back ahead of this thing. Before you know it we'll be drowned out by all the other attention-whoring self-important losers who think their stupid opinion about who should be the next president matters to anyone. We need an endorsement and we need it now. Start spitballing, from the top down.

ANAL K: Fred Thom - - HEY!!! WHAT'S WITH THE "ANAL K"????!!!

LF: Tee hee. You're the new guy, and I thought it'd be funny. I'll change it.

AK: [Glancing over at prompt] Thank you. Now, what about Fred Tompson?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Rudy?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Huckleb- er, Huckabee?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Tancredo?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Ron Paul?

[Everybody in the room gasps and gives ANAL K a reproving look]

AK: What?

BILL: You uttered You-Know-Who's name!

XERXES: Way to go n00b!

AK: I guess I don't -

HOAG: Within moments of this post going live, KAR will be bombarded with hits from Technorati and google searches for "Ron Paul". If we're lucky, they'll just surf on and leave us alone. If we're typical...

LF: Well, we don't even want to go there. Let's see if I can mitigate:

ATTENTION RON PAUL DRONES: WE WILL NOT ENDORSE RON PAUL NO MATTER HOW MANY POORLY SPELLED AND GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT COMMENTS YOU LEAVE ON THIS THUNDERJOURNAL! SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER. *end communication*

BILL: Hope that works.

HOAG: Don't hope. Pray.

LF: Alright. Rookie error. Could happen to anyone. Let's move on.

DEM: *growowowowowowowlllllllllllllll*

LF: What was that?

DEM: ME SORRY!!!!!!! DEMENTEE'S TUMMY GROWLING CUZ ME STILL THINK ABOUT DELCIOUS KUCINICH LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICH!!!!!!

[Light bulb appears over Foot's head]

LF: Gentlemen I think I know what our endorsement will be.

HOAG: Do tell.

[They all huddle together while FOOT whispers. Huddle breaks.]

BILL: Brilliant! Totally KAR. When do we announce?

LF: I'll call a press conference for later today.

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