NOTE: The following is the transcript of LearnedFoot's press conference entitled "G-String Divas".
LEARNEDFOOT: I have a brief prepared statement, and then I will take questions.
Distinguished Members of the press, KARNation, Ron Paulites who just googled on over, stalkers, and my fellow Americans:
We members of the KAR Editorial Board we're jolted earlier today when we discovered that Sean Penn had beaten us to the punch for the self-import and absurd 2008 presidential endorsements. Because we know how important KAR is to the process of selecting our next Commander in Chief, we held an emergency meeting to facilitate the speedy delivery of our endorsement. And I believe that we have come to a wise decision.
The candidate we endorse for the presidency has a long history of satisfying constituents. In fact, not that long ago on this very ThunderJournal, we remarked that there was little that this candidate cannot do. And in these troubling times, we need a president like that. A president that elevates all around it . A president that can draw a crowd and then captivate them. A president who knows when to take center stage, but also knows when to step aside and merely be an ancillary - yet vital - ingredient in the process.
In 2008, The Kool Aid Report endorses bacon to be our next president.
We've even made a little campaign poster:
I will now open the floor to questions.
QUESTION: Doesn't the Constitution prohibit cured meats from being elected president?
LEARNEDFOOT: The Constitution says nothing about bacon. We don't think it will be an obstacle.
QUESTION: You're kidding, right?
LEARNEDFOOT: We never kid about bacon, son.
QUESTION: I am having trouble understanding this endorsement. Are you endorsing any particular strip of bacon, a particular variety or quantity of bacon, or just endorsing bacon as a concept?
LEARNEDFOOT: Wow. Great question. I like the "bacon as a concept" thing, however, concepts can't sit in the presidential desk chair or pick out the new Oval Office curtains. I'm thinking that any bacon will do, though if I had my druthers, I think a five-pound pack of thick-cut apple wood smoked bacon has the best presidential timbre.
QUESTION: Aren't you afraid that your endorsement will alienate the Jewish and Muslim blocs of voters.
LEARNEDFOOT: So we give up New York, Boca and Detroit. Big whoop. Bacon polls well pretty much everywhere else.
QUESTION: Why not Ron Paul?
LEARNEDFOOT: This press conference is over!