Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Year in Repoo: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 1

JANUARY



1/2 -- Mrs. Foot rings in the new year with a double mastectomy. Whole sitting in the hospital waiting room, Foot silently wonders if a mass layoff of the Strib Editorial board would also be called a "mastectomy".

In unrelated news, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer self-righteously opens a post declaring "I will not be silent!" (same link). KARnies confident they have a running gag that can last until 2008.

1/3 -- Nanny state runs out of things to ban, so it goes after cheese and sledding. KAR and Iron Maiden hail our new risk-free existence.

1/5 -- Saddam goes to that Great Big Mass Grave in the Sky. Morons rush to defend him.

At a party celebrating her swearing in as the first female Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi vows to fight against poverty and for the little guy while noshing on goat cheese ravioli with pumpkin and truffle served by non-unionized illegal immigrants.

1/8 -- The Notorious B.I.L. discovered to be missing.

1/9 -- Foot fantasizes about stabbing some moonbat in the eye with a fork. Obviously, blogging as a vehicle for anger management still not working after 2 years.

1/11 -- Sisyphus gets his first open thread of the new year.

1/12 -- "Good evening Congressfuck Douchebag. I just screwed your wife! Ha ha! Pwn3d! Me so clever!" Having written that line, LearnedFoot sits back satisfied that he has accomplished everything he has set out to do with this ThunderJournal and decides to take the rest of the year off.

1/17 -- Kevin "Kevie" Ecker finally wins a major award.

1/18 -- Stop spelling words like the Brits, you pretentious boneur!

1/23 -- Jimmy Carter releases new book blaming the Jews for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Dementee writes a thoughtful, even-toned article exploring the nuances and failings of Carters argument. Just kidding.

1/24 -- Showing that KAR isn't merely a vehicle for ranting and off-color humor, LearnedFoot takes a cue from the annual leftymeme "Blogs for Choice" and initiates KAR's first blogs for a cause - a cause that everyone can get behind.

1/25 -- Michele Bachmann kisses the President on the cheek after the State of the Union Address. Lefty bloggers and the stalkerazzi begin 3 month long masturbation session. KAR is there.

1/30 -- "Digital sphincters." What's it about? Who cares - it has "digital sphincters" in the title, man!

1/31 -- In an endearing story about the profundity of fatherly love, LearnedFoot decides to learn how to skate so that he can better help his daughter realize her dream of becoming a hockey player.

FEBRUARY

2/1 -- LearnedFoot blows out his knee skating; enrolls daughter in swimming lessons.

Molly Ivins dies. KAR ThunderJournaling futures take a 30% hit.

2/5 -- The Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System pays off big. Yet again.

2/6 -- LearnedFoot has had quite enough of the cliche "speaking truth to power," thank you very much, makes rude gesture, threatens ass whoopin's, notices that the "I will not be silent" running gag has been abandoned for two weeks, eats a burrito.

2/7 -- NonMonkey writes an intelligent, well-researched, balanced account based on statements from disinterested sources about a major dispute between Congressman John Kline and some of his constituents over a very important matter. Just kidding.

2/8 -- The John Edwards campaign hires a couple of talentless foul-mouthed Christian hating harpies to run his blog. Naturally, Foot wants in on the action. "Cum-guzzling boozehound" enters the American lexicon.

2/12 -- MilF hype begins 6 months before the event, and 2 months behind schedule.

2/13 -- Talentless foul-mouthed Christian hating harpies quit Edwards blogging gig and encourage those dim enough to read their booze-soaked cum guzzlings to go after the Catholic League's tax exempt status. In related news, the Catholic League's attorney looks for something to do.

2/14 -- In a totally unforeseen development, cum guzzling booze hound claims she was attacked for being "uppity". Still oblivious to the damage that whole "I hate 80% of the population" thing might do to the Edwards campaign.

2/15 -- A staffer of Congressman Keith Ellison calls cops on Tom Tancredo for smoking in his office. Dementee writes a touchingly poignant and witty essay about sensitivity, human understanding, and the need for all of us to be able to resolve our conflicts peaceably without resort to outside power. Just kidding.

2/19 -- KAR celebrates President's Day with its favorite former President and its least favorite celebrity.

2/23 -- KAR hits the big time when the Northern Alliance Radio Network commissions LearnedFoot to record a bit based on a fake weather alert post, broadcasting the recording to literally dozens of listeners.

2/27 -- Assassination attempt on Dick Cheney fails. Moonbats are relieved. Just kidding.

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