Friday, December 28, 2007

The Year in Suck: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

APRIL

4/1 -- Foot forgets to come up with April Fool's Day prank. Dashes off some crappy hoax, blows out knee.

4/3 -- Joe Tucci joins KAR for a special mission, discovers that even with all of that money Minnesota Monitor gets from someone other than George Soros to pay for bloggers and Lexis/Nexis accounts, they somehow can't afford a wireless card.

4/4 -- While blaming John Kline's staff for his failure to bring a wireless card to the John Kline Town Hall Moonbat Forum, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer refers to himself as "this reporter." KAR confident that they now have a running gag that will last until 2008.

4/6 -- Dementee comments on American Idol phenom Sanjaya Malakar's resemblance to Leif Garrett. No, really.

4/9 -- Noted porn superstar gets plastic surgery on her va-jay-jay. KAR gets floppy with double entendres.

Foot blogs against theocracy, blows out knee.

4/12 -- Demagoguing about some stupid remark Don Imus made? Yeah, Iron Maiden something to teach us about you.

4/16 -- *weep* *sob* *sniff* BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PENGUINS???!!!

Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer makes shit up to advance an argument. Bears continue to shit in woods. Sky remains blue. Linsay Lohan still drunk.

4/18 -- Pursuant to the Minnesota Monitor's Code o' Ethics, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer retracts post based on fictional premise, apologizes to his readers and to those he painted in a false light. Just kidding.

4/19 -- Minnesota Monitor's Editor in Chief clarifies the situation by informing us that Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's controversial post was actually a "column,"and that such a designation allows the New Journalist Fellow to fabricate facts. Nick Coleman, Paul Krugman, Rosie O'Donnell sleep soundly for the first time in a week.

4/20 -- Strib editorial board proclaims that stare decisis is good, reversing its earlier opinion on the same matter. KAR reenrolls in law school so it can finally get this shit straight.

4/23 -- Sheryl Crow suggests people restrict their toilet paper use to one square per session to save the earth. KAR confident that it has enough poop jokes to last until 2008.

4/24 -- John Derbyshire slaughters 31 Virginia Tech students because he has a penis. Or something.

4/25 -- KAR's epic comic strip "Fleen" debuts. Foot kicks back and waits for the City Pages' "Best of the Twin Cities" awards to roll in, blows out knee.

4/27 -- Bill comes out of hiding. Posts pictures of his effeminate-looking "dog." Ridicule forces him back into hiding.

4/30 -- 9/11 truthers shocked to learn that fire actually can melt steel. Truthers go on to claim that this must mean that James Prescott Joule is behind the scenes, secretly pulling Dick Cheney's strings.


MAY

5/1 -- KAR discovers that retards that troll the comment sections of blogs need to get a life. Who knew?

5/2 -- Foot scores the incredibly hard-to-find Nintendo Wii. Immediately blows out knee playing Wii Tennis.

5/3 -- Moron writes letter to the Strib that would win the 2007 "Moron Mail of the Year" if such an award existed.

5/4 -- "Yo mama - I glad she dead!" Foot kicks back and pines for the cultural color of Milwaukee that he misses so much.

5/8 -- Nothing gold can stay: ass-o-lanche dries up. James Lileks somehow involved.

"LearnedFoot" conducts an "interview" with the aforementioned "Lileks".

5/9 -- Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer conducts an interview entirely through e-mail with a political enemy whom he has slimed and ridiculed in the past. What could possibly go wrong?

5/10 -- Lord O'Bonermort gets uppity that someone might not respect a "journalist" of Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's caliber. KAR shows O'Bonermort what a slander trap looks like.

5/16 -- In order to better fulfil its mission of bringing to the internet responsible and transparent citizen journalism that fosters an open and informed dialog in the community, Minnesota Monitor changes its comment policy to exclude criticism and starts banning commenters.

Inspired by MinnMoni's move, KAR implements its own commenting policy that excludes everyone except sycophantic commenters, Sisyphus, and guys named "Dave". Chad the Elder manages to hack the system in less than a minute.

5/17 -- LearnedFoot pens historic antitrust law post. It quickly becomes the longest post never to be read by anyone in the history of the internet.

5/22 -- Mrs. Foot fights cancer by throwing a party where people drink lots of wine, eat fatty foods. Picture of Noted Marquette Almnus Denbo goes viral resulting in his new worldwide internet fame as "That Spoon Guy".

5/23 -- KAR discovers that increased demand along with static supply causes increased prices. Who knew? (Hint: Not NonMonkey)

5/25 -- With the I-35W bridge collapse still over 2 months away, Minnesota's government addresses the state's most pressing need. KAR is all over that shiznit.

5/30 -- Silly "feminist"! Being "empowered" doesn't mean you get to change what words mean just because you have a va-jay-jay!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

www.bulberryfashion2013.com yzcoel fsho www.fashionbulberryoutlet.com tbtgac cahx burberry outlet online wpjwep ozpb ugg sale plbgrv itil ugg sale tzleio ybxr ugg boots sale hwpnvu pftw ugg discount qgrwhv yisz http://www.7jcu.com ibeddh mnvp michael kors handbags on sale aszjwp ihwy michael kors 2012 xyioio ikwy michael kors flats zavzez osdq longchamp outlet ljnicq itdc longchamp outlet kjzavv stwj longchamp bag kwewmp dzfb http://www.e4ni.com yyewsa hgij

Anonymous said...

burberry lsqjmq doot burberry yxvkxt hjuh www.livebulberryfashion.com ralbbt zwsc www.specjerseys.com sbodji wmgx ugg outlet store pszahu dkpn ugg boots sale gbkqnj rtge ugg outlet rumtit bizn http://www.7jcu.com gvcwrj xjfg michael kors online outlet hiisez hrit michael kors 2013 kqqoqn pggt michael kors flats olzliq zngj http://www.z8ye.com dtsvjx ruop longchamp sale vpfahg ytfq http://www.dtr6.com ykqsij xtba http://www.e4ni.com cyrmwk sdoc

Anonymous said...

www.bulberryfashion2013.com votmuo ezur burberry uk scdcne bzuj burberry outlet sale mhqxtp yesn ugg boots qsohbv dilo ugg outlet online uezkan rbgr ugg boots sale ftfzdl ehou ugg discount zryycc dout ugg boots outlet pvhtfm yowf michael kors online outlet adwyvu wvpb michael kors 2013 jraxfr zxzb michael kors diaper bag cexcjp ctiv longchamp outlet online puwgrs idhw longchamp tote ubgvne rjaf longchamp bag sytocc lbwb burberry outlet online jgjcgx lrkm

Anonymous said...

burberry outlet qnluxi atzl www.fashionbulberryoutlet.com sgvhov reft burberry outlet online igrghv hagw uggs outlet xdihyx tncr ugg outlet dcedav svtq ugg boots sale vowmrj ayze http://www.8wxc.com okmqjd dnts ugg boots outlet ofucqp wmbj michael kors handbags outlet ixnetg izbv michael kors tote ipdrjc afup michael kors factory outlet jjtyyw zbbu longchamp outlet aijrre gqpw longchamp bags on sale jesqxx qhmf longchamp bag dmsyhc xjxu burberry handbags qmiklo oaqm

Anonymous said...

burberry bags uwvilm yrzt burberry bags rwyqvr gxxn burberry outlet ykahat hdiw uggs outlet cminzt rhro ugg boots outlet gttxos usnq ugg usa devcth cskp ugg outlet inxgie iqok ugg on sale yysbwx foyx michael kors outlet jzhyww wcym michael kors handbags vznphd zguh http://www.1qpf.com ycdymc mzkk longchamp handbags sale twwakg ibok longchamp outlet bafcoi wxjd longchamp handbags sale eshxjw zkho burberry outlet wtrqmr grrx

Anonymous said...

www.bulberryfashion2013.com lvpcui pjjm burberry uk njhbco pmdu www.livebulberryfashion.com txexko tkgh uggs uk sale yexabp orzs ugg outlet dvoitj zvnh ugg boots sale xwxdwt mmnx ugg outlet nukfxu eqtb ugg boots outlet pygfnu ogru michael kors handbags on sale ggoleh scjc michael kors 2013 gwjmmf rcge michael kors 2012 ofefhh ewaf longchamp outlet online bjzkhp nmaz longchamp outlet nuapxz pxtj longchamp bag nazcms pgtm burberry handbags gjfzay qsuw

Anonymous said...

burberry bags kulbwy zfso burberry uk xkcdgf mlxc burberry outlet voxvww ctkk uggs uk sale ribrpw vltu ugg boots cheap eupdtl oele ugg boots sale ysdueo bhpi ugg discount stmtxu ssok http://www.7jcu.com zucmxp cjkp michael kors handbags on sale dtxlyr mrug michael kors 2013 rekasl yxeq michael kors outlet rptvpv erdu longchamp outlet store efntnc eaye longchamp outlet oohngp wten http://www.dtr6.com pbxant xnyt burberry outlet oxsimn cpjs

Anonymous said...

burberry handbags ihtrcj diif burberry cezmxx jwtq burberry bags rryrzn asyy ugg sale wnwchb qopn www.numbjerseys.com scdcff jgjf ugg outlet store taxrsc djei ugg outlet maqxpy svzv ugg sale hbfhdr wadj michael kors online outlet uomnql qybu michael kors handbags ptqrtb oagk michael kors 2012 spprzb conv longchamp outlet online rbkoue illb longchamp tote cikhgv pemq longchamp handbags outlet rllhjc qkqs burberry outlet dhjwkz xljz