Friday, December 28, 2007

The Year in Suck: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 3

Part 1
Part 2


4/1 -- Foot forgets to come up with April Fool's Day prank. Dashes off some crappy hoax, blows out knee.

4/3 -- Joe Tucci joins KAR for a special mission, discovers that even with all of that money Minnesota Monitor gets from someone other than George Soros to pay for bloggers and Lexis/Nexis accounts, they somehow can't afford a wireless card.

4/4 -- While blaming John Kline's staff for his failure to bring a wireless card to the John Kline Town Hall Moonbat Forum, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer refers to himself as "this reporter." KAR confident that they now have a running gag that will last until 2008.

4/6 -- Dementee comments on American Idol phenom Sanjaya Malakar's resemblance to Leif Garrett. No, really.

4/9 -- Noted porn superstar gets plastic surgery on her va-jay-jay. KAR gets floppy with double entendres.

Foot blogs against theocracy, blows out knee.

4/12 -- Demagoguing about some stupid remark Don Imus made? Yeah, Iron Maiden something to teach us about you.

4/16 -- *weep* *sob* *sniff* BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PENGUINS???!!!

Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer makes shit up to advance an argument. Bears continue to shit in woods. Sky remains blue. Linsay Lohan still drunk.

4/18 -- Pursuant to the Minnesota Monitor's Code o' Ethics, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer retracts post based on fictional premise, apologizes to his readers and to those he painted in a false light. Just kidding.

4/19 -- Minnesota Monitor's Editor in Chief clarifies the situation by informing us that Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's controversial post was actually a "column,"and that such a designation allows the New Journalist Fellow to fabricate facts. Nick Coleman, Paul Krugman, Rosie O'Donnell sleep soundly for the first time in a week.

4/20 -- Strib editorial board proclaims that stare decisis is good, reversing its earlier opinion on the same matter. KAR reenrolls in law school so it can finally get this shit straight.

4/23 -- Sheryl Crow suggests people restrict their toilet paper use to one square per session to save the earth. KAR confident that it has enough poop jokes to last until 2008.

4/24 -- John Derbyshire slaughters 31 Virginia Tech students because he has a penis. Or something.

4/25 -- KAR's epic comic strip "Fleen" debuts. Foot kicks back and waits for the City Pages' "Best of the Twin Cities" awards to roll in, blows out knee.

4/27 -- Bill comes out of hiding. Posts pictures of his effeminate-looking "dog." Ridicule forces him back into hiding.

4/30 -- 9/11 truthers shocked to learn that fire actually can melt steel. Truthers go on to claim that this must mean that James Prescott Joule is behind the scenes, secretly pulling Dick Cheney's strings.


5/1 -- KAR discovers that retards that troll the comment sections of blogs need to get a life. Who knew?

5/2 -- Foot scores the incredibly hard-to-find Nintendo Wii. Immediately blows out knee playing Wii Tennis.

5/3 -- Moron writes letter to the Strib that would win the 2007 "Moron Mail of the Year" if such an award existed.

5/4 -- "Yo mama - I glad she dead!" Foot kicks back and pines for the cultural color of Milwaukee that he misses so much.

5/8 -- Nothing gold can stay: ass-o-lanche dries up. James Lileks somehow involved.

"LearnedFoot" conducts an "interview" with the aforementioned "Lileks".

5/9 -- Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer conducts an interview entirely through e-mail with a political enemy whom he has slimed and ridiculed in the past. What could possibly go wrong?

5/10 -- Lord O'Bonermort gets uppity that someone might not respect a "journalist" of Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's caliber. KAR shows O'Bonermort what a slander trap looks like.

5/16 -- In order to better fulfil its mission of bringing to the internet responsible and transparent citizen journalism that fosters an open and informed dialog in the community, Minnesota Monitor changes its comment policy to exclude criticism and starts banning commenters.

Inspired by MinnMoni's move, KAR implements its own commenting policy that excludes everyone except sycophantic commenters, Sisyphus, and guys named "Dave". Chad the Elder manages to hack the system in less than a minute.

5/17 -- LearnedFoot pens historic antitrust law post. It quickly becomes the longest post never to be read by anyone in the history of the internet.

5/22 -- Mrs. Foot fights cancer by throwing a party where people drink lots of wine, eat fatty foods. Picture of Noted Marquette Almnus Denbo goes viral resulting in his new worldwide internet fame as "That Spoon Guy".

5/23 -- KAR discovers that increased demand along with static supply causes increased prices. Who knew? (Hint: Not NonMonkey)

5/25 -- With the I-35W bridge collapse still over 2 months away, Minnesota's government addresses the state's most pressing need. KAR is all over that shiznit.

5/30 -- Silly "feminist"! Being "empowered" doesn't mean you get to change what words mean just because you have a va-jay-jay!


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