Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day

And so it begins.

Earlier this month I told y'all about how I need to learn how to play hockey because my kids were showing in interest in the game. After a little lot of trepidation, I decided to encourage this interest as I saw it as a way to, inter alia, cut down on the number of dance recitals and pee wee soccer matches I might have to attend. However, my initial efforts to begin my long metriculation of the game were stymied by my inability to find skates in my size.

Well, the MOB's foremost Ambassador of Hockey and leading Top Chef fan Peeps came through for me, and loaned me a pair of his old skates (had you listened to NARN on Saturday, you would have heard Mitch make passing reference to this at the beginning of hour 3). And tonight, I will likely lace up skates attatched to my own feet for the first time in 25 years and take to the ice. It should be -

***WE INTERRUPT THIS RELATIVELY BENIGN POST FOR A LATE-BREAKING MORON MAIL!***

This just in: there's a moron on the loose in the Humphrey Institute, and he's writing letters to the Strib!

Strib sinks to blog's level

The Star Tribune's Jan. 24 coverage of the e-mail seeking policy students from the Humphrey Institute to work with Al Franken was below the Star Tribune's standards. It was biased and misleading
.

Some staff member used a state university's e-mail system to send a broadcast e-mail soliciting students to work on the campaign of a possible Democrat Senate candidate.

Was there some fact missing from that? Please tell me how that is unfair? Had that e-mail solicted students to work on Norm Coleman's campaign, you can bet that the Strib would cover that story as well; no doubt prompted by the some 37 breathless and hyperbolic posts that some droolblog like MNPooplius would write about it.

You could also bet that if that were the case, this tool would not have written a letter to Tim O'brien bitching about it.

Its most outrageous claim is that Professor Sally Kenney was using "a taxpayer funded tool not available to competing campaigns. ... It crossed the line into clear advocacy." Not only are we, the students, tools[.]

THE LETTER HAS BEEN REDACTED BY THE EDITOR FOR ACCURACY.

***We now return you to your regularly scheduled moderate and somewhat endearing hockey post, already in progress.***


...rub balm thrice daily on his coccyx.

Anyway, with any new endeavor, one must set realistic goals. In order to make sure that I will be the best hockey dad I can possibly be (minus the violent tendencies and obnoxious favoritism) allowing me to help guide my two spawn to success in that sport should they desire to pursue it, I have made my goals ambitious:

1) (Re)learn how to skate.

2) Recover from injuries incurred while achieving goal #1.

3) Learn how to play hockey well (except for the goalie position, because staying in one place for 60 minutes just seems boring to me). (And what's worse, the place the goalie needs to stay in is called "the crease"; which, to me, conjures all kinds of butt imagery.)

4) Recover from dental surgery.

5) Become proficient enough at the game to enable me to compete at an organized level without embarrassing myself. I'm thinking the next World Pond Hockey Championships would be an appropriate test. Or the one 2 year's hence if I can't log enough ice time this year.

If you are an amateur filmmaker, or just a guy who owns a video camera, this endeavor could provide you enough material to become, at the very least, a YouTube star. Let me know if you want to collaborate on a movie. (I'm serious - this could be comedy gold!)

I know my task seems daunting to mere mortals such as yourself, but keep in mind that I am one of the most natural athletes in the MOB, and therefore am up to this challenge.

But it wouldn't hurt if Chad's skates possessed magical properties.

Joe Biden: Plagiarist and Racist

The last time around Joe’s campaign for President was scuttled by the revelation that he borrowed liberally from other authors without giving credit. In other words he plagiarized them.

Now we find out that Joe Biden is a also a racist, telling the NY Observer:

Barack Obama is "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” (emphasis added for obvious reasons)

Calling Jesse and Al. Oprah, where are you? Hello Mr. Bellefonte, are you listening?

Does the name Trent Lott ring a bell?

Now it’s one of your’s, a good leftie, who has wandered off the PC reservation or plantation or whatever you want to call it.

Time for Joe to issue the standard non-apology apology, go into treatment for racism, drop out of the presidential race and have his ass kicked out of every leadership position he holds.

But I won’t hold my breath.

Save him from himself!

Hello KARnies. I’d like you to meet a weak-willed, brainless, spineless, lemming who is incapable of thinking or speaking for himself: Steven Galatz of St. Paul.

Poor Steve is so bereft of any self-confidence, so lacking in self-esteem, he does whatever his friends tell him to do just so he can fit in:

I must admit that I am a social smoker but I do it out of habit and (I'm embarrassed to admit) peer pressure. But afterward I feel (and smell) terrible. A statewide smoking ban would remove this pressure. I know that even several of my friends who are smokers welcome such a ban for similar reasons.

I truly hope the statewide smoking ban gets passed this year.

STEVEN GALATZ
St. Paul


I swear to God, I’ve never come across such a weak-tit. Poor Stevie can’t tell his friends he ain’t interested in smoking. Nope, the candy-ass needs government to ban it so he can feel better about himself.

Got that. Stevie needs the nanny state because even though he knows smoking is bad he can’t withstand the pressure to smoke from his friends.

If your friends jumped off a building would you? I hope so, because the only hope we may have of keeping just a few of our freedoms is to weed out the yellow-bellied, nanny state lovers like you.

Grow a fucking spine, Stevie. It will serve you well in life.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Of the Minneapolis City Council, Top Chef and Digital Sphincters

Minneapolis joins the growing list of municipalities with city councils populated by self-indulgent buttheads who possess a comically distorted view of their own importance (and of geopolitical realities):

On Friday, the Minneapolis City Council passed a resolution calling for "an orderly, rapid and comprehensive withdrawal of United States military personnel from Iraq."

The long resolution, proposed by Council Member Ralph Remington, passed on a 9-0 vote, with four members abstaining.

Most striking about this resolution is the change in attitudes it represents.

Four years ago, former Council Member Paul Zerby attempted to get the council to pass a resolution opposing the U.S. invasion of Iraq. His prewar effort was ruled as not germane and never received a full council vote
.

Thank God the City of Lakes is run by such courageous and enlightened people who know their role in this topsy turvey world we inhabit.

And while I'm sure that this most nonbinding of nonbinding resolutions is sure to evoke a hearty "Fuck yeah!" from many of the morons that inhabit the city, even those who may be sympathetic to the sentiments therein may be forced to wonder what the point is. It's kind of like the hypothetical fellow who tinkers away in his garage and eventually invents an electronic anus. Sure it may be cool. It may improve the inventor's status among his friends and neighbors. But in the end, its just an electronic anus. Completely useless other than as a curiosity and as an artifact of hubris and of time that could have been better spent; after a few days or weeks doomed to an eternal residence in the back of some rarely opened storage cabinet, created for a task that has already been appointed to a far more capable and appropriate entity.

Really, if were going to have lawmaking bodies pass meaningless resolutions simply to grandstand, show off, express some pent up emotion, or whatever, how about bloviating about something fun. Like Top Chef. I'd love it if some city council, state legislature, school board, board of soil and water commissioners or, hell, even Congress resolved the following:

WHEREAS The season finale of Top Chef airs tonight at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9 Central; and

WHEREAS Marcel is a total dink; and

WHEREAS Our first preference, Cliff, was unceremoniously eliminated from the challenge for assaulting Marcel - something every single citizen in this great country would do if given the chance; and

WHEREAS The people of America think Marcel's food tends to be overwrought, high concept and impeccably plated dog food (with foam); and

WHEREAS Our second preference, Sam, was also booted from the show for no acceptable reason; and

WHEREAS We remind you how much we - EVERYBODY - hates that little shit Marcel; and

WHEREAS Ilan is the other finalist competing against Mr. Hot Shot Poofy Hair Asshole Marcel; and


WHEREAS We realize that the final episode of Top Chef has already been taped so this is really just an academic exercise;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that:

All members of KAR Nation call upon all the judges of Top Chef - to wit: the hot chick, the hotter chick, and the bald Italian guy - to award this season's Top Chef honour honor to Ilan while humiliating Marcel as much as possible in the process.


BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that

We also wouldn't mind seeing Ilan do some sort of celebratory dance that involved beating Marcel to death with a wooden spoon.

Moron Mail

Few people know that there are actually 2 steps to holding a moonbat protest demonstration.

STEP 1: Stage the protest.

STEP 2: Bitch and whine to every news outlet on the planet with an e-mail address about the lack of coverage for that protest:

No wonder we keep burying the dead from the Iraq war: The Star Tribune keeps burying the live protests against the war.

On Sunday, the paper buried inside the A section the news that tens of thousands of citizens converged on Washington to protest the war. Americans' opposition to this war deserves front-page coverage if we are ever to see an end to the carnage.

ELAINE BONERMAN TYLER POOPOWICTZ MAY , MINNEAPOLIS

Because there's nothing more newsworthy than your typical bimonthly gathering of a bunch of narcisistic licknobs drunk on impotent rage holding crudely fabricated signs on sticks led by a few equally pompous and increasingly tiresome former celebrities.

We didn't need a newspaper to tell us about your existence. Yet again.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Moron Mail

Are you there Tim O'Brien? It's me, Foot. Can I ask you a question?

If I were to write a letter to the Strib stating that Hillary Clintion was beaming thoughts into my brain instructing me to kneecap Simon Cowell because he possesses a Top Secret microfiche that - were it to fall into the wrong hands - could bring about the downfall of the government of Lichnestein, would you feature it as the "Letter of the Day"?

No? Good. I don't blame you.

Then why would you print this paranoid hallucination?

Although Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said of the court's halting the recount of the Florida vote in 2000, "It's water over the deck -- Get over it" (Star Tribune, Jan. 25), the equivalent of a military coup is not the sort of thing that anyone should get over. For the first time in U.S. history, an election was ordered halted and an openly illegal government was installed.

OK, Mr. O'Brien, how about this: a letter that purported to have proof of an ongoing conspiracy between the Rand Corporation, the Saucer People and the Reverse Vampires to obliterate the meal of supper?

No? Even if I employed a tone of certitude in absolute terms?

Still no? I wonder why not-

Although the Supreme Court halted the recount on the ground of equal protection because the different Florida counties had different standards for counting disputed ballot, the Supreme Court had seen no reason to intervene on this ground in any election since the founding of the Republic, even though not only the different counties but even the different states had different standards for conducting elections and counting ballots.

How about if I took that same theory about the Reverse Vampires et al. but added an extra paragraph that tried to get you to ignore the legal, historical and technological context of the matter? Would it then be worthy?

And in a media recount, under four out of six possible methods of conducting the recount, Al Gore won. And these four methods of recounting were the only ones in which there were consistent methods of recounting the disputed ballots, including the dimpled chads.

Ooooh! Oooh! Instead of it being me who wrote the letter, what if it were a castrated talking monkey, bloviating on and on about how 9/11 was an inside job.

You're right. Even a monkey has enough brains to realize that 9/11 wasn't an inside job.

I wonder what kind of fool would?

ROBERT HALFWIT, MINNEAPOLIS

"Kevin" is One, Uh, Lucky, er... Guy... (I Guess?)

Ho.

Ly.

Shit.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Shorter Eric Zaetsch

Note: The below is parody, and is not really the work of Eric Zaetsch. But the reminder might come in handy:

The Twin Citys's only true newspaper, Vita.mn, or maybe it's Rake, yes, I believe it is in fact Rake, I'm not sure why I mix the two up, I think it's because there're both on racks side by side by side by side by side by side by side by side by side by each other at the bus stop as I go to anti-Bachman organizing group that I will be attending and will be until Michele Bachmann is finally thrown out of ooffice by the sixth district that hates her so very very very very very very very much that there's no chance they'd ever elect her to office, and if she did no wait, the election was last month, wasn't't it? Obfviously the people of the Sixth District are a bunch of loosers who should have listened to the people of Stillwater who hate her so very very very very very very very very very very very much, they hate hate hate her like she's a fungus. Just to prove how much they hate her, let's read this definition of fungus:

Fungi were originally classified as plants, however they have since been separated as they are heterotrophs. This means they do not fix their own carbon through photosynthesis, but use carbon fixed by other organisms for metabolism. Fungi are now thought to be more closely related to animals than to plants, and are placed with animals in the monophyletic group of opisthokonts. For much of the Paleozoic Era, the fungi appear to have been aquatic. The first land fungi probably appeared in the Silurian, right after the first land plants appeared, even though their fossils are fragmentary. Fungi absorb their food while animals ingest it; also unlike animals, the cells of fungi have cell walls. For these reasons, these organisms are placed in their own kingdom, Fungi, or Eumycota.

The Fungi are a monophyletic group, meaning all varieties of fungi come from a common ancestor. The monophyly of the fungi has been confirmed through repeated tests of molecular phylogenetics; shared ancestral traits include chitinous cell walls and heterotrophy by absorption, along with other shared characteristics.

The taxonomy of the Fungi is in a state of rapid flux at present, especially due to recent papers based on DNA comparisons, which often overturn the assumptions of the older systems of classification.[3] There is no unique generally accepted system at the higher taxonomic levels and there are constant name changes at every level, from species upwards. Web sites such as Index Fungorum, ITIS and Wikispecies define preferred up-to-date names (with cross-references to older synonyms), but do not always agree with each other or with names in Wikipedia in its various language variants.

Types of fungi

The major divisions (phyla) of fungi are mainly classified based on their sexual reproductive structures. Currently, five divisions are recognized:

  • The Chytridiomycota are commonly known as chytrids. These fungi produce zoospores that are capable of moving on their own through liquid menstrua by simple flagella.
  • The Zygomycota are known as zygomycetes and reproduce sexually with meiospores called zygospores and asexually with sporangiospores. Black bread mold (Rhizopus stolonifer) is a common species that belongs to this group; another is Pilobolus, which shoots specialized structures through the air for several meters. Medically relevant genera include Mucor, Rhizomucor, and Rhizopus. Molecular phylogenetic investigation has shown the zygomycota to be a polyphyletic group.
Fungus seen under microscope.
Fungus seen under microscope.
  • Members of the Glomeromycota are also known as the arbuscular mycorrhizal fungi. Only one species has been observed forming zygospores; all other species only reproduce asexually. This is an ancient association, with evidence dating to 350 million years ago.
  • The Ascomycota, commonly known as sac fungi or ascomycetes, form meiotic spores called ascospores, which are enclosed in a special sac-like structure called an ascus. This division includes morels, some mushrooms and truffles, as well as single-celled yeasts and many species that have only been observed undergoing asexual reproduction. Because the products of meiosis are retained within the sac-like ascus, several ascomyctes have been used for elucidating principles of genetics and heredity (e.g. Neurospora crassa).
  • Members of the Basidiomycota, commonly known as the club fungi or basidiomycetes, produce meiospores called basidiospores on club-like stalks called basidia. Most common mushrooms belong to this group, as well as rust (fungus) and smut fungi, which are major pathogens of grains.

Although the water moulds and slime moulds have traditionally been placed in the kingdom Fungi and those who study them are still called mycologists, they are not true fungi. Unlike true fungi, the water moulds and slime moulds do not have cell walls made of chitin. In the 5-kingdom system, they are currently placed in the kingdom Protista. Water moulds are descended from algae, and are placed within the phylum Oomycota, within the Kingdom Protista.

Reproduction

Fungi on a fence post near Orosí, Costa Rica.
Fungi on a fence post near Orosí, Costa Rica.

Fungi may reproduce sexually or asexually. In asexual reproduction, the offspring are genetically identical to the “parent” organism (they are clones). During sexual reproduction, a mixing of genetic material occurs so that the offspring exhibit traits of both parents. Many species can use both strategies at different times, while others are apparently strictly sexual or strictly asexual. Sexual reproduction has not been observed in some fungi of the Glomeromycota and Ascomycota. These are commonly referred to as Fungi imperfecti or Deuteromycota.

Yeasts and other unicellular fungi can reproduce simply by budding, or “pinching off” a new cell. Many multicellular species produce a variety of different asexual spores that are easily dispersed and resistant to harsh environmental conditions. When the conditions are right, these spores will germinate and colonize new habitats.

Sexual reproduction in fungi is somewhat different from that of animals or plants, and each fungal division reproduces using different strategies. Fungi that are known to reproduce sexually all have a haploid stage and a diploid stage in their life cycles. Ascomycetes and basidiomycetes also go through a dikaryotic stage, in which the nuclei inherited by the two parents do not fuse right away, but remain separate in the hyphal cells (see heterokaryosis).

In zygomycetes, the haploid hyphae of two compatible individuals fuse, forming a zygote, which becomes a resistant zygospore. When this zygospore germinates, it quickly undergoes meiosis, generating new haploid hyphae and asexual sporangiospores. These sporangiospores may then be distributed and germinate into new genetically-identical individuals, each producing their own haploid hyphae. When the hyphae of two compatible individuals come into contact with one another, they will fuse and generate new zygospores, thus completing the cycle.

In ascomycetes, when compatible haploid hyphae fuse with one another, their nuclei do not immediately fuse. The dikaryotic hyphae form structures called asci (sing. ascus), in which karyogamy (nuclear fusion) occurs. These asci are embedded in an ascocarp, or fruiting body, of the fungus. Karyogamy in the asci is followed immediately by meiosis and the production of ascospores. The ascospores are disseminated and germinate to form new haploid mycelium. Asexual conidia may be produced by the haploid mycelium. Many ascomycetes appear to have lost the ability to reproduce sexually and reproduce only via conidia.

Sexual reproduction in basidiomycetes is similar to that of ascomycetes. Sexually compatible haploid hyphae fuse to produce a dikaryotic mycelium. This leads to the production of a basidiocarp. The most commonly-known basidiocarps are mushrooms, but they may also take many other forms. Club-like structures known as basidia generate haploid basidiospores following karyogamy and meiosis. These basidiospores then germinate to produce new haploid mycelia.

I bet Michele Bachmann will be sponsoring legislation to prevent people from seeing about fungus sexual reproduction, because she's think that sex is icky! But I pasted it above, so she's pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! I Pwn3d You! Hahahahahahahahaha! I bet she wishes she cod send her stormtroopers and also Micheal "The Drama Queen" Brokkorb to try to beat me up, but I will not be silenced!

Just to prove I will not be silence, read this source:

In July 2006, allegations surfaced that Katsav had sexually harassed and raped women. The situation continues to unfold.[3]

On August 22, Katsav's house was raided by police who seized computers and documents. There were calls for him to resign or suspend himself from the presidency. This came only days after Justice Minister Haim Ramon's resignation after police investigation, also over alleged sexual harassment, had led to Ramon's indictment.[4] Katsav was questioned on August 23 ("under warning") by police in connection with accusations of sexual harassment and corruption, including an accusation that he coerced a former female employee into having sex with him.[5] On August 25, the IBA estimated that the police investigation could last months, so that by the time Attorney-General Menachem Mazuz is prepared to decide whether to indict, Katsav's term as president might be over.[6]

On September 7, after concluding the fourth investigation into the matter, and having received complaints from at least four different women (according to IBA's correspondent for police affairs), the Israeli Police "carefully" determined that at this time they had the evidentiary basis for an indictment. On that day, the Judges' Election Committee unanimously approved the appointment of Dorit Beinisch, a woman, as president of the Supreme Court of Israel. Katsav refrained from attending, "to prevent dispute".[7]

On September 13, the Knesset's House Committee approved Katsav's request for a day's leave of absence so that he could refrain from attending and presiding over Beinisch's formal swearing in ceremony, normally held in the presidential compound, now to be held in the Knesset[8]. The Committee's chairwoman, Ruhama Avraham, did, however, advise Katsav to opt for a more lengthy leave.[9]

All that day, Katsav was interviewed by police for the fifth time, from 10:00 am till at least 7:00 pm. Police confirmed that seven women had by now testified against Katsav, and that the allegations now also included "breach of trust, fraud, and involvement in illegal wiretapping".[10]

Speaking on the case for the first time, on September 18, Israel's Attorney General, Menachem Mazuz, stated in an interview that the likelihood of Katsav's claim that he had been made the victim of a plot was "fairly slim," given the "long line of women who complained against him." [11][12] By September 21, the number of women accusing Katsav of sexual assault had risen to eight.[13]

On October 15, 2006, police recommended pursuing rape and sexual harassment charges against Katsav. Complaints by five of the women will not be pursued because the statute of limitations has run out.[14] On October 16, Haaretz reported that Mazuz is expected to adopt most of the police's recommendations and indict the president.[15]

On October 29, 2006, Katsav was advised by Israel's attorney general, Menachem Mazuz, to step down from his presidential duties and suspend himself as long as the possibility of his indictment remains under consideration. Katsav, who continues to deny the allegations, has announced, via his lawyers, that if indicted he will resign.[16][17]

On January 23, 2007 Attorney-General Mazuz announced that he would consider charging Katsav with rape, sexual harassment, breach of trust, obstruction of justice, harassment of a witness and fraud. The president is immune from prosecution while in office, and could only be tried after the end of his term in August 2007 or after his resignation. The final decision on indictment would be made after a hearing where Katsav could present his case. As of January 23, Katsav has declined to resign as president,[18] but has had a three-month leave of absence approved by the Knesset. Parliamentary speaker Dalia Itzik has assumed the office in the interim in a "caretaker" capacity.[1]

Michele Bachmann has never distanced herself from that weird Jewish guy, so she must want to kiss HIM tOoo! OR is it more? Just like Michelle Bachmannnn HEY, did you knjow her husband looks kind of gay? GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY?

oh, wait, is my kyboard scrd up lt m s if the eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEE there, the e ky wroks oh damn, wait a minut

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

There. It works.

Unlike Michele Bachmann.

Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d! Pwn3d!

Finally, I need to add:

glob() is a Unix library function that expands file names using a pattern matching notation reminiscent of regular expression syntax but without the expressive power of true regular expressions. The word "glob" is also used as a noun when discussing a particular pattern, e.g. "use the glob *.log to match all those log files".

The term glob is now used to refer more generally to limited pattern matching facilities of this kind in other contexts. Larry Wall's Programming Perl discusses glob in the context of the Perl language. Similarly, Tcl contains both true regular expression matching facilities and a more limited kind of pattern matching often described as globbing.

Glob is also the name of an Italian television comedy produced by Enrico Bertolino which addresses the language of communication used by the mass media and other such topics. The show offers numerous observations on the poor communication of television journalists.

Like Michele Bachmanan, if she were a journalist, but she's not! Hahahahahaha! She's apolitician that the whole world hate hate hate s htats htwsls htashs thashdflk sadhfadsfjlds fdsalkj;;fdsal;kjfdsa fds;lkjfdsa;lkjfdaslkjs;;;;;;;;;;;;kjfdskljfdsalkjfdslkjfdsa;lkjfdaslkjfdsa;lkjfdsalkj; fdsalkj;slkjfdsa;lkjfdsalfdsakjfdsalkjdfslkj;


See?

Friday, January 26, 2007

Walkin' for the Boobies

WARNING: DESPITE THE AUTHOR'S USE OF THE WORD "BOOBIES" IN THE TITLE, THIS POST IS MORE SINCERE THAN THE TYPICAL KAR CONTENT. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Mrs. Foot has formed a team to participate in the 5k walk event in the Race for the Cure, which occurs on Mother's Day at the Mall of America. If you like cancer-free boobies - and hey, who doesn't? - please consider joining us on the walk or sponsoring her team with a donation, if you are more sedentary sort. Donations go to the estimable Komen Foundation.

If you're interested in doing either, drop me a line via this ThunderJournal's e-mail addy (koolaidreport at yahoo diznot com), and I will let you know how you can get involved.

Mrs. Foot (fresh off her 1st chemo treatment, BTW) and I thank you in advance.

Moron Mail

If I had more time, I'd write tomorrow's Blog House today. Instead, we'll have to settle for the continuing Bachmann Retardapalooza -otherwise known as Tim O'Brien's the Letter o' the Day - which, I'm guessing, won't be a whole lot different:

Goodbye, Katherine Harris; hello, Michele Bachmann! Did Minnesotans really elect this woman?

Well, some of them did. The ones who didn't buy the lies and caricatures pooped out by some aggressively stupid and bigoted people. These people who voted Bachmann into office are otherwise known as "the normal, well adjusted" ones.

Anyone watching President Bush leave the House Chamber Tuesday night saw the Sixth District representative make a real fool of herself.

OK. We're now 2 sentences into a Strib letter about Bachmann, and have yet to see an ignorant, factually inept shot at her religiosity.

It was almost as though she expected the "Rapture"

I really need to learn to be more patient.

at any minute as she clung to the president's shoulder. What a contrast to the measured, rational, realistic appraisal given minutes later by Sen. James Webb.

Because the ability to read off a telepromter is the true measure of sanity and intellect.

In the amazingly shallow world these people inhabit, anyway.

ROGER BONER, CARLISLE, PA.

We have enough morons here. Stick to drooling on your own local paper.


EXTRA SPECIAL BONUS MORON MAIL:

Dan Balz, in his Jan. 24 perspective on the president's State of the Union address, comments that the speech may be remembered as "The audacity of hope." More apropos might be "The audacity of cluelessness."

DICK WOODY, WOODBURY

Oh SNAP! I bow down before your superior wit. I bet you stayed up all week thinking that one up. I'm not worthy to reproduce your letter here, much less fisk it. So I will just leave it at that, and merely allow the world to soak in your genius zinger.

Unchained

I will be camping out for tickets, starting tomorrow.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Tante Persone in Cerca di una Vita

LEARNEDFOOT: Oh. My. GAWD! Oh my god Oh my god Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Whattup F?

LF: Michele Bachmann!!!! Touched George Bush!!!!! On the shoulder!!!! For, like, 15 seconds!!!!!! Touched him on the shoulder!!!!!!

BILL: Yeah. So?

LF: And she kissed him!!!! On the cheek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Dude. You're scaring me...

LF: Don't you get it man???? Michele Bachmann grabbed Bush!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: I, er -

LF: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!!

[Enter Head of Alfredo Garcia]

HOAG: Whattup with Foot, Bill?

BILL: I dunno. He just started babbling incoherently about how Michele Bachmann touched George Bush at the State of the Union Address.

HOAG: Yeah, I heard about that. I think she kissed him too.

BILL: On the cheek.

HOAG: Yes, on the cheek.

LF: I"m gonna write 10 - no - 20 posts about this!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!

[BILL and HOAG back away slowly. BILL picks up a phone and dials. Split screen with scene of DEMENTEE answering phone.]

DEMENTEE: HELLO!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Hey, D. We've uh, got a problem, here.

DEM: DO TELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Foot is acting, um, strange.

DEM: HOW SO????????!!!!!!!!!!

BILL: He keeps obsessing about Michele Bachmann's behavior at the State of the -

DEM: MMM HMMM!!!!!! YES, DEMENTEE HEAR ABOUT THAT!!!!!! SHE, LIKE, TOUCHED THE PRESIDENT OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!

BILL: Yes; on the shoulder. And kissed him on the cheek. Listen, Foot has gone completely 'round the bend and won't shut up about it.

DEM: HOLD RECEIVER UP SO DEMENTEE CAN HEAR FOOT!!!!!!!!

[BILL holds up phone receiver]

LF: heh *tic* heh heh... I wonder why Craig Westover hasn't commented on Michele Bachmann touching the president on the shoulder yet! Or John Hinderaker. Or Eric Black. hehe *tic* Or Bogus Doug. Or Glenn Reynolds. Or Nihilist in -

[BILL returns phone to his ear]

BILL: You see? We're dealing with a lot of shit here!

DEM: OK!!!!! ME THINK ME KNOW WHAT GOING ON!!!!!! FOOT SUFFERING FROM EXTEREME VIRULENT AGGRESSIVE YAPPIE-OBSESSIVE UNRAVELING NUMBNUT GOOBER (E.V.A.Y.O.U.N.G.) DISORDER!!!!!!!

BILL: What's that?

DEM: IT A DISEASE THAT GENERALLY MANIFEST ITSELF IN PATHETIC DOUCHEBAGS WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM!!!! IT DEBILITATING IN THAT AN E.V.A.Y.O.U.N.G. SUFFERER BECOME SO WRAPPED UP IN IRRATIONAL HATRED OF SOME PERSON THEY UNABLE TOP DO ANYTHING CONSTRUCTIVE WITH LIFE!!!!!

BILL: I see. Any other symptoms?

DEM: WELL, IN ADDITION TO WHAT YOU CURRENTLY WITNESSING, PEOPLE AFFLICTED WITH MALADY TEND TO COPY AND PASTE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE HAVE WRITTEN A LOT. ALSO, IN MANY CASES PATIENT EXHIBIT SIGNS OF EXTREME SELF PROMOTION!!!!!!

BILL: Luckily Foot hasn't advanced to that stage quite -

LF: Curious:


Silence of the Fishsticks
At
least Hannibal would not dodge the issue.Went over to
Fishsticks, and,
guess what? He's not mentioning Ms. Bachmann these days. Silence of the
Fishsticks, no doubt about it.But Michele Bachmann's PiPress cheerleader is on
record. He likes Bachmann -- because she has "class."More
class
than Wetterling. He says.More
class
than Mark Kennedy.He shows Kennedy up, by quoting at length from the Valley Girl
press release Michele authored in the Wayzata custard shop way back then.
Go
have a look
.As recently as this month he was humping
praise
for Bachmann because she opposes a minimum wage change;
never mind a living wage.He shamelessly printed her
entire
press release
when she declared herself a candidate for Congress.
For now, he seems to have deep sixed the Bachmann commentary. Strange,
eh?Fishsticks old chap, what say you, about Michele Bachmann these days, and
class?
posted by eric zaetsh at 8:59 AM Comments (7)
postCountTB('116973813998093639');
TrackbackTrackback
Fishsticks is almoost as rediculous as the Drama Queen. Read my blog!!!

BILL: Oh geez!!! It's getting worse, D! What can we do?

DEM: UNFORTUNATELY, FOR MOST SUFFERERS OF E.V.A.Y.O.U.N.G IT TOO LATE. BUT SINCE THIS SEEM LIKE NEW CASE, ME THINK THERE HOPE!!!!!

BILL: Tell me, damn you!! Tell me now!

DEM: MOST COMMON CAUSE IS THAT VICTIM LOSE BRAIN AT SOME POINT!!!! LOOK AROUND AND SEE IF YOU CAN FIND FOOT'S BRAIN!!!!

BILL: Fred! Quick- see if you can find a brain laying around here somewhere!

[BILL and FRED search]

HOAG: Found it!

BILL: OK, Dementee, we found it. Now what?

DEM: PUT BRAIN BACK IN FOOT HEAD!!!!!!

BILL: [to HOAG] Try to get his brain back in his head!

[After much effort, HOAG is successful]

BILL: OK it's in. Now what?

DEM: HE SHOULD SHOW STEADY IMPROVEMENT!!!! KEEP EYE ON HIM!!!! TALK TO HIM!!!!! SEE HOW HE RESPOND!!!!!!!!

BILL: Thank's D. You're the best.

DEM: NO PROBLEMO!!!!!! BYE!!!!

HOAG: So what did he say we should do?

BILL: We should talk to him, see if he's back to normal.

HOAG: OK. Hey Foot? Can you hear me, man?

LF: ...

HOAG: Foot? Foot? Come in Foot.

LF: HA! Pwn3d!!!!!!

BILL: What the -

HOAG: Oh! I've seen this one. He's got a small case of Feminine Emasculed Cockgoblin who thinks he Knows Everything syndrome.

BILL: What do we do?

HOAG: There's only one way he could have contracted it. [Glances at the floor and picks something up] Aha!

BILL: What's that?

HOAG: The cunvulsion that shot Foot's brain out of his skull must've knocked his balls off as well. Here, Foot. Put these back on.

[LF takes his balls and reattatches them. The glazed look immediately disappears from his eyes.]

LF: Whew. Thanks guys. I don't know what happened. I mean, I was reading all these posts about Michele Bachmann on some leftyblogs and by about the 500th post on the subject, I had some sort of spasm and everything went dark.

HOAG: That's a common reaction. Well, my work here is done, friend. Now, let's all hope that Tim O'Brien didn't witness LF's bizarre behavior, lest we end up in the Blog House.

BILL: True dat, yo.

Top Chef Separated at Birth

Top Chef's weasel-like Marcel:





...and X-men's wolverine-like Wolverine:

No, It's Not About the Food

It's about compelling TV. I get it. But still...

So they boot Sam - the guy who won pretty much every challenge up until last night's episode of Top Chef so they can keep the two people who hate each other the most. I simply do not buy the main judge's (you know - the bald guy) explanation.

And judging by the first page of the 600-odd comments posted there, I'm in a large majority.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Blog for Uranus 2007 - Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About Uranus

Out of the silent planet, dreams of desolation
Out of the silent planet, come the demons of creation --Iron Maiden


Up the Irons?

No.

Up Uranus!

I am proud to be taking part in the first annual Blog for Uranus with a panoply of other wonderful bloggers from around the world country region state. I think that the importance of Uranus cannot be overstated, and am gratified that so many others feel likewise. I will continue to update the bottom of this post with links to all of the Blog for Uranus posts as I become aware of them.

So, what does Uranus mean to me?

I remember those first pictures of Uranus I saw on TV 21 years ago today. I recall feeling a simultaneous sense of wonder and revulsion. Wonder because, through the miracle of human ingenuity and curiosity, we were seeing something from a perspective that we had never seen before. Revulsion, because Uranus is a cold, dark and forbidding place unhospitable to humankind.

For every gasp of amazement provoked by those photos, I would remember that its massive gravity would tear you in half before you even had the chance to choke to death on Uranus' poisonous gasses. It was a self-teachable moment of sorts. I realized that Uranus was meant to be marveled at from afar. The closer you regarded Uranus, the less wonderous and more ominous it appeared. Even Voyager 2 had the good sense to keep 50,000 miles - approximately the diameter of two earths - between itself and Uranus.

Dreams of desolation; demons of creation, indeed.

While the human yearning for discovery and adventure is one of the most positive traits of our species, I still believe that there are some things that should remain mysterious and foreboding. Uranus is one of those things.

==========

OTHER BLOGS FOR URANUS:

Ryan Rhodes (duh)

Bogus Doug

Swiftee

Sisyphus

Leo Pusaterierieri

Nicko McDave

A letter to Governor Kathleen Blanco

Dear Gov. Blanco,

Shut the hell up, get off your ass and do something for your state. You and the jerk mayor of New Orleans should spend more time helping the folks who were damaged by Katrina and less whining and crying about what the Feds aren’t doing.

Please inform me, if you can, what is the proper protocol for mentioning hurricanes in the State of the Union Address? For how many years following the storm is a president required to mention the name and states that hit?

Another question if I may: why is it I don’t hear the same pissing and moaning from the Governor of Mississippi? They were hit pretty damn hard as well, but I’m not seeing Haley Barbour taking to the microphones, handkerchief in hand weeping about being abandoned by the President.

Near as I can tell the good people of Mississippi are moving forward rebuilding their homes and businesses and, funny enough, I’m don’t hear a whole lot of the “you owe us” bullshit I’m hearing from Louisiana.

You are a pathetic leader Governor Blanco and your state and constituents are worse off for it.

Why the Left scares the crap out of me

While Towel-headed psychopaths like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad shoot their mouths off spewing not-so-idle threats, the terror denying Leftist continue to push for dialogue.

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad… assured that the United States and the Zionist regime of Israel will soon come to the end of their lives," the Iranian president was quoted as saying.

Ahmadinejad has threatened the State of Israel with annihilation several times in recent months, and has recently added the US and Britain to the list of countries he says will be destroyed.

Sane people read this and see a Muslim nutcase who wants to kill them. The Terror Deniers read the same thing and see a poor, misunderstood leader who only wants to talk. Diplomatic methods, the Terror Deniers claim, are what are called for.

Invite him to a meeting. Include him. Boost his self esteem and he’ll stop all this silly talk about annihilating Israel and the US.

He’s a good guy, really. He just wants to be included.

Terror Deniers are children. OK, they’re adults whose brains stopped developing in first grade.

They cannot be trusted. They cannot be left at home alone. If they gain control of this country’s foreign policy we are toast.

Not lightly browed with a little butter, but burned to a crisp: Carbon through and through.

Which State Am I In Again?

Before I do my part for Blog for Uranus Day, I need to rant.

Sometime last year, I related a minimally-exaggerated story, in which my 5 (then, 4) year old daughter declared her desire to play hockey. While I was initially aghast, I since came to accept this.

And now, for the happiness of my chillens, I embrace it.

The Girl began taking skating lessons last year, and is now becoming quite proficient at it. And while many of her interests have flamed out as quickly as they ignited (dance class comes to mind), when I asked her recently if she was still interested in playing hockey, she replied with an enthusiastic "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! Moonchild is a poopy butt!"

So in preparation for my impending role as Hockey Dad, I began shopping for skates last week. I have never owned a pair of skates, and the last time I ever strapped one on and took to the ice was some 25 years ago. I have found this to be a most difficult task in that:

1) I have no clue what to look for in a good hockey skate;

2) Approximately 75% of hockey skates are way out of my price range;

3) Of the 25% that are in my price range, MY F-ING SIZE IS NEVER IN STOCK!!!!

4) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

5) *pant* *pant*

6) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I was able to find one model in my size - and I should mention here that it's a fairly typical size for an adult male - at Dick's Last Resort Sporting Goods, and found it to fit like an ultra-modern, elegantly devised medieval torture device.

I have already tried reaching out to the MOB's foremost ambassador of hockey and my sporting archnemesis Chad to aid me in my hour of need only to receive responses like "Damn shame, Cliff getting kicked off of Top Chef like that," and "Don't bother me - Top Chef is on right now." So I am hoping that there is somewhere out there in KAR-Nation that can help me. I need 2 things:

a) Help finding some f-ing skates that are relatively inexpensive (I hold no illusions) that will not require me to undergo reconstructive foot surgery after 3 hours of use; and

b) Help me to learn how to play hockey (er, and skate for that matter) well enough that I can competently impart such coaching to my children when the time arrives for me to do so.

I can reward your expertise with beer. Drop me a line if you're willing to help a brutha at koolaidreport at yahoo dot com.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

From President to Chicken-Shit

Jimmy Carter is a USDA Grade-A Chicken-Shit. He’s so damn proud of his new book, “Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid”, and so damn sure it is not anti-Israel, as many have claimed, he refuses to have a real discussion of debate on the subject.

‘Cmon Mr. Peace-wager, where the hell are your guts?

Where’s the spine you displayed when you dealt so harshly with the Iranian terrorists who took your fellow Americans hostage?

Where’re the balls you had when you stood up to Hugo Chavez and declared to the world that his reelection was a farce and that’s he’s nothing but a Communist thug in training?

What’s that? None of that happened. So Carter has no guts, no spine and no balls.

It’s no wonder he wend to Brandeis University for a:

“tightly controlled discussion was planned, with 15 questions selected in advance. Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz had also hoped to debate Carter but was told he would not be allowed inside.”

Way to stand up for your beliefs, Mr. Presidud.

You candy-assed mass of rectal discharge

If Only Short Bus Trivia Were This Easy

Barbara Crosby of Al Franken's senatorial campaign the Humphrey Institute for Public Affairs poses the following in the tease line of her Strib commentary today:

Consider a truly universal draft
And in the process, ask why young adults are asked to bear so much of the war burden
.

OK, self: why are young adults asked to bear so much of the war burden?

[Thinking]

[Waving hand in air wildly a la Arnold Horshack]

Yes, Mr..."Foot" is it?

Yes, self, that's correct. The reason why young adults are asked to bear so much of the war burden is because juveniles are insufficiently mature both physically and emotionally to take on such a burden, and older adults have both a higher prevalency of bodily aches and pains as well as a tendency to have to pee a lot, which makes the task of shooting bad guys much more difficult.

Good answer. You get a gold star Mr. Foot.

[Beaming] Why thank you.

A Meme Everyone Can Get Behind

Yesterday, feminists, lefties of all stripes, and desperately lonely male losers looking to establish their feminist cred to the former two in order to get laid, engaged in the "Blog for Choice" to commemorate the thirty-somethingth anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Bloggers from across America wrote essays about what "choice" means to them. It was all quite touching, really.

But it occurs to me that there are more important things to celebrate than the constitutional right to dismember fetuses. For example, humanity has excelled to create new technologies and expanded its breadth of knowledge about our world and the universe we inhabit exponentially in the past century. This ThunderJournalist thinks that we ought to applaud discovery and the creation of knowledge, rather than meditate on the destructive.

As it so happens, tomorrow, January 24, is the 21st anniversary of Voyager 2's closest pass of the planet Uranus. Little was known about that mysterious bluish planet before that. the Voyager flyby unlocked many secrets about Uranus. It discovered new moons and obtained detailed photos of the planet's rings. Voyager 2 was a testament to the ingenuity of the human spirit, and the stunning pictures of Uranus it captured stand as a powerful symbol of that.

Therefore, I am declaring tomorrow to be Blog for Uranus day. I think it would be groovy for anyone out there with a blog or ThunderJournal to write a short meditation about the importance of Uranus and what it means to you. I have even created a small graphic for you to include with your essay. Feel free to steal it.

Tomorrow, I will be blogging for Uranus. Will you?

Monday, January 22, 2007

Willing the Colts to Victory 1

OK, everybody. We knew this day might come. And there's no point in going back and figuring out what went wrong. Whether we are finally seeing the fruits of the Bears' 19 year rebuilding effort or the Nihilist in Golf Pants put heavy duty money on the Saints we still need to deal with what could become the NFL's darkest moment in some 20 years.

Indeed, it's bad enough that the hated Bears are participants in the Super Bowl. But what's worse is that their insufferably lame fans are already engaging in triumphant revisionist history before the drool has even frozen to the seats in Soldier Field. To wit:

So it's 2007. Conventional wisdom spoke again. Everyone knew it was true.

"Grossman will choke in the playoffs" Fans of lesser teams repeated it like a comforting mantra. "The Saints will pull it out".

And again - for the second time in my life - I say "Hah!"

Er, no. Most of the folks predicting a Grossman meltdown were wearing pizza sauce and Old Style-stained Brian Urlacher jerseys while they did so.

And before you FIBs get all smug about this, you would do well to recall the national embarrassment and all-around assault on good taste that flowed from the last big game y'all were in. Yes, I think it's clear to everyone who holds the great game of football sacred, that the Bears must be stopped.

To that end, I have commandeered the vast resources of this ThunderJournal to assist Tony Dungy and the Colts to victory in whatever way I can. I have already lobbied said Nihilist in Golf pants to liquidate all his assets and bet the proceeds on the Bears. In addition, I am devoting all of my free time (approx. 20 hrs. / day) to breaking down film to aid the Colts braintrust's efforts in exposing every Bear weakness, no matter how large or small.

God be with all of us in these dark times.

The Sad Hummingbird of Dementia

State Rep Phyllis Kahn (DFL-Pluto) says that we "just don't need" a Lieutenant Governor.

According to Kahn, what we really need is a state Poet Laureate.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

A Haiku from OPG

Fuck the Bears. Fuck the
Bears. Fuck the Bears. Fuck the Bears.
Fuck the fucking Bears.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Death Mart

Short day, as Mrs. Foot and I are meeting with the oncologist this afternoon. But that will not stop me from providing you, the good citizens of KAR-Nation with content. It just has to be someone else's content.

So with that, I offer you the complete (thus far) catalogue of the continuing adventures of Darth Vader's underachieving younger brother, Chad. If you have never seen Chad Vader, Day Shift Manager, do yourself a favour favor: set aside a half hour and watch them all (each episode runs about 5 minutes).

EPISODE 1:




EPISODE 2:




EPISODE 3:




EPISODE 4:




EPISODE 5 - The Holiday Special (my personal favorite):

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Fixing the Problem

Yesterday we told you about the Louisiana chimpanzee that was mysteriously immpregnated. We were concerned that maybe KAR's own resident amoral and foul-mouthed talking chimp Bobo was the culprit. The staff here at KAR would like our readers to know that we have taken appropriate actions to prevent any future simian paternity suits.

Bobo, as you may have guessed, is displeased.

Mouron Mail - Spourts Editioun

Jim Rome has two rules that his callers must abide by if they do not want to incur the surly sportstalker's wrath:

1) Have a take; and

2) Do not suck.

Romey would be all up in da greeeeel of these two short bussers who pooped out back to back Strib "Letters of the Day."

Take that sucks number one:

Whatever respect I had for the Baseball Hall of Fame has been extinguished. Mark McGwire did not get votes ostensibly because of suspicions that he had used steroids. Of course, there was no proof of any of this. Barry Bonds can expect similar treatment.

No proof, but gobs and gobs of circumstantial evidence. First there was his famously evasive testimony before Congress. Or, you could just compare the lithe French fry-armed and pencil-necked Rookie McGwire to the ginormously beefy Popeye-forearmed McGwire in his Cardinal years.

No. I have a feeling you believe you are smarter than everyone else and therefore you alone possess the Truth that would make William of Ockham weep.

But there is something deeper here. There is, and has always been, a cabal among baseball writers and commentators who refuse to accept that anyone can ever be the equal of Babe Ruth when it comes to hitting home runs.

And here I thought Hammerin' Hank Aaron was in the Hall. I mean, he was the guy that broke Ruth's career home run record. But according to this guy's logic, he surely must have been stymied by Ruth worshiping sports writers. Right?

Wrong. And don't call me "Shirley".

In 1961, Roger Maris hit 61 home runs in a season, beating Ruth's record of 60. The cabal was furious. It exercised its power to put an asterisk on Maris' record in the books in an attempt to lessen his achievement, and it launched an ad hominem attack claiming Maris had questionable morals.

And here we are 50 years later, and none of those same sportswriters are dead; kept alive solely by the motivation to prevent anyone else from ever being honored in the Hall for home run hitting.

Now, McGwire just didn't beat Ruth's record, he demolished it. The cabal can't do anything about the home runs, but, just like with Maris, they sure can launch personal attacks.

If you consider not voting some player into the Hall on that player's first ballot a "personal attack" then Bert Blyleven must be crying himself to sleep every night because of the pain from all those psychological wounds.

As Yogi Berra said, "it's déjà vu all over again."

Also as Yogi Berra said, "You can observe a lot just by watching."

JOHN D. SENSENBONER, EDEN POOPIE

Take that sucks #2:

Since the impending arrival of David Beckham to our shores pushed the soccer to somewhere toward the front of the sports section, you knew that some soccer meathead would once again seize the opportunity to lament about the sport's popularity stateside, and attempt to shame us athletic troglodytes into falling in line:

You gotta love Jim Souhan, who is usually a marvelous sports columnist. Columnists like Souhan, who write about soccer once every four years before each World Cup to tell us how much they dislike the game, are now authorities on David Beckham and MLS.

Actually, opinion among knowledgeable football people (that's real football, as played with the feet)

- no that's soccer, as sounds like "sucks" -

is split on whether Beckham still has much left in his tank. Great players from the past -- like Alan Shearer -- and present players -- like Paul Scholes -- are living proof that there's plenty of life after international play. Don't know about them?

No.

I didn't think so.

Well, aren't you little Mister Smartiepants...

Beckham will add glamour

STOP! I will not be silent about the annoyingly pretentious use of the itinerant "U"! You know: "The flavours of my neighbour's hors d'ouvres do not mirrour their colours." I f-ing hate that shit. Even though this is hardly the mosegregiousus example ("glamour" and "glamor" are equally accepted here in the States), I cannot help but surmise that the writer intentionally chose that spelling of "glamor" because he wanted testablishsh his bona fides as some super-intellectual Euroweenie soccer doof. Since I've been wanting to rant about this for a while, this seems as good of an impetus as any.

Listen. If you learned how to spell in America, you learned that "honor" and "color" and all those other words that end in "or" are spelled without a "U". Therefore, there is no good reason to start inserting that "u" now, since the European spelling is not considered any more correct than the American one. If you now insert that extra "u" you force me to stop reading and consider whether you grew up or were educated in Europe (which may or may not make you interesting) or whether you are a pretentious twit (which may not). There is absolutely no point in inserting an extra letter, when the conventions of your mother tongue have long ago been settled.

Let me put this to rest for you. You may think that spelling "favour" with a "u" makes you seem enlightened, elegant, sexy or erudite. It doesn't. At best it makes your writing read like a wedding invitation. At worst, it makes you look like a snotty twit. So stop it.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah...soccer sucks.

Oh - that's another thing. In America, we call it soccer. We call it soccer because we already have a wildly popular, but extremely different sport, called "football." If you insist on calling soccer football over here, your going to fool a lot of people into thinking that you're not talking about the kind of football that is embarrassingly dull. It's not an American exceptionalism thing - it's a communication thing. So please spare me this "true football" crap that - it occurs to me now - I should have addressed after your second drooling paragraph.

-- and yes, great skill -- to a league that desperately needs both. His youth academy in Los Angeles will help grow the world's most popular game in its final frontier -- the United States.

I'm sorry. It appears that I cut off the letter in mid sentence. Unfortunately, I no longer have any idea what he's talking about.

Eh...it's probably for the best. We've heard all this pro-soccer propaganda a million times before.

Maybe by the time we see the next football column in the Star Tribune -- to make fun of the game before the 2010 World Cup -- we'll know more about Beckham's true effect on the beautiful game in this country.

Not that anyone would care...

JEFF POOPOOS, CROQUET, MINN

European football: more exciting than the Vikings' offense!

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Has KAR Mascot Been Sowing the Seeds of Love?

A 40 year old chimpanzee residing at a Louisiana zoo recently gave birth to a baby chimp. Normally, that wouldn't attract much attention. However, in this case, all of the mama chimp's male cagemates have been sterilized.

Where has Bobo been?

UPDATE: Bobo denies!

Rock Star in the Blogosphere - Winter 2007

We had a fine slate of nominees for the innaugural KAR award for ThunderJournalistic excellence which we call "Rock Star in the Blogosphere." The KAR editorial staff bandied about the relative merits of some excellent nominees like Glenn Reynolds, Scott Johnson, Mary Katherine Ham and Michelle Malkin. And while none of them won this installment of KRSB, they should take heart that nomination is of itself a special honor.

This season's winner possesses that intangible extra something that deserves recognition. Therefore, KAR's Rock Star in the Blogosphere is:

KEVIN "Kevie" ECKER!

Yes, even while he pontificates on illegal immigration, bitches about illegal immigration, complains about crimes committed by illegal immigrants, favorably quotes someone else on illegal immigration, kvetches about illegal immigration, excoriates our leaders about their illegal immigration policies or springs rhetorical erections over some firearm or other, Kevin Ecker still can find the time to help me bring home my new chest freezer or treat me to a professional hockey game.

Kevie is the complete deal, and for that he wins the first Rock Star of the Blogosphere title.

Congrats Kevie!

Someone Has Won a Major Award

The winner of KAR's first award of excellence will be announced later today.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Traffic Whoring and Navel Gazing for Idiots

STEP 1. Find an online community that gets mad traffic. Like, say, MNSpeak.

STEP 2. Register self on said online commmunity to get posting credentials.

STEP 3. Start a thread on that online community in which you link to not one, but two, factually ambiguous posts on your own crappy blog.

STEP 4. Copy and paste ensuing comments to your MNSpeak thread into a new post on your own crappy blog.

STEP 5. Drool on self.


UPDATE: The link in Step 4 appears to be broken. I have phoned a ticket in to The Head of Alfredo Garcia.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Are the Packers a Rolling Stone?

I will not be silent.

A little birdie tells me that the Pack is going after Randy Moss hard.

pant pant

[Darth Vader]NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!![/Darth Vader]

Moss will only work if Favre comes back. Otherwise, it's a waste of a draft pick.

(Tip o' the foam rubber cheese wedge to Gare-Bear)

UPDATE: Here's more. Note that the Pack may be going after T-Gonz as well.

That little bit of news just gave me a boner.

Government Of, By, and For the Children

OK, so maybe the Shiny New Glorious Congress may be the most "ethical" and "transparent" "ever" (*snort* *chuckle*). Just don't hold out any hopes for "classy".

Those of you who thought that Keith Ellison would easily breeze to victory for the title of Congressman Who Reflects Most Poorly on His District, might want to take this tool into account:

"The Scene" is an alternative monthly publication read by people all over Northeast Wisconsin. In this month's issue, [Congressman Steve] Kagen is quoted as telling people from the Fox Valley Peace Coalition about some bold things he said in his first meetings with President Bush and Vice President Cheney.

It was just a casual conversation between Congressman Kagen, about a dozen area peace activists, and a freelance writer.

According to the article, Kagen told the group when he met Cheney he said, "Thank you so much for coming to Green Bay and campaigning against me. I couldn't have won without your help."


Oh day-um! You sure pwn3d Cheney! Hey, maybe during your downtime, you could blog for MNPooplius.

Because that's what it's all about right? Pwn!ng your political rival. At least that's what I get from the leftyboogers out there. The highest level a leftyboner can achieve is pwn3rsh!p. It's a virtual pwn3rsh!p society out there in the SiNeStRoSpHeRe.

I do have one or two quibbles about that exquisitely well-crafted and tactful zinger, though: why no hunting jokes? Those are always clever!

And I will assume that Kagan failed to give the Vice President a swirlee, wedgie, wet willie or the Dreaded Rear Admiral was because the hall monitor was present.

Ah, I drone on, distracting from the true genius that is the cutting wit of Congressdork Steve Kagan:

Then he said after meeting the president, he turned to the First Lady and said, "Hi, Barbara, how are ya?" He told the group, "I did that because I learned on the campaign that the meanest thing you can say to another gentleman is, 'He's a fine fellow,' and you then refer to his spouse by a different name."

Excuse me while I put my brain back into my head.

You "learned"... that ... on the campaign?

And just as an aside, I think it would be meaner to point out to your rival enemy how similar his kids look to yourself. But that's just me. I have never campaigned for office and therefore never had the opportunity to learn about such devastating personal slight techniques.

Up until now, I always thought you addressed people who have attained a certain office with a certain amount of detatched respect, regardless of how profound your disagreements were. You address a judge as "your honor", addressed correspondence to congressmen and mayors as "the Honorable", etc. But now I see that profound policy differences absolve you from the obligation to tactfully interact with, well, anyone. Even the Vice President or First Lady.

Oh, I hope I get the opportunity to someday meet this guy. I have a feeling the conversation may start something like this:

"Good evening Congressfuck Douchebag. I just screwed your wife! Ha ha! Pwn3d! Me so clever!"

Action 2 News tried unsuccessfully to reach Congressman Kagen and his staff for comment on the article.

Maybe they were in detention.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Photoshop This Pie

My plan to leave a bait pie on my front porch to lure Bill out of hiding has failed. I use the word "hiding" intentionally, as a terse unsigned comment came through that I believe came from Bill, even while my bait pie remained undecorated. So Bill is out there somewhere.

I think that maybe he's shy and more than a little ashamed of his favorite hobby. Therefore, I am calling on all good citizens of KAR-Nation to decorate this pie photoshoppily:




...so Bill can feel confident enough to leave his sequestered existence, and play amongst us again, secure in the knowledge that we will only ridicule him a little. Perhaps, even Bill himself will feel moved to decorate this virtual pie. If he does, we will know that it's his by its exquisite detail.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

I will not be silent. And neither will Sisyphus.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

A damn fine question

I will not be silent!

From the SPPP:

I just have to wonder: How many of the people who are outraged over airport cabdrivers who refuse certain fares due to (Muslim) religious beliefs think it's only reasonable to allow pharmacists to refuse to fill certain prescriptions due to (Christian) religious beliefs?

JANNA LARSON
St. Paul


Good question, Janna. I’ve not weighed-in on this subject as of yet - The anti-booze Muslims that is – and it is high time I do.

Consistency being the hallmark of a superior mind, I have no problem with Muslim cabdrivers who refuse fares due to religious beliefs. Furthermore, I’ve gone on record in the past defending pharmacists who do not distribute contraceptives because it goes against their faith.

Having the freedom to practice your religion is a wonderful thing. More countries ought a try it.

But freely practicing your religion, or any other Constitutional right, does not protect you from consequences - Like when the chubby Dixie Chick shot her mouth off and Country Music radio stations flushed the Chicks’ CDs. Her pudgy cheeks shook when she complained about being censored and having her first amendment rights violated. All her crying did was prove that she is as stupid as she is chunky – and that is the opposite side of the same coin.

Their rights were not violated in the least – which is where her stupidity comes in – because no radio station and no consumer is obligated to buy their twanging tripe or attend their overpriced Ho-downs. Forcing such purchases would not only violate the free speech of consumers – SCOTUS says money is speech and only government could mandate such spending – I submit it would also violate any UN anti-torture treaty on the books.

Back to my point: let the cabbies and pharmacists practice their religion and let them live with the consequences.

If the cab company loses money because Ahmed refuses to give a lift to the guy who just returned from the UK with a six pack of Old Speckled Hen, his boss should have the right to fire his ass.

That way the boss can find a driver who will make the company more profitable and Ahmed can spend more time on his knees in the mosque.

It’s a win-win and my consistency is still in tact.

The Fifth Frater?

Like JB Doubtless, I won't be silent.

Separated at birth:

Curmudgeonly, misanthropic, ideologically pure, Bruce Dickinson hating guitar picker JB Doubtless;

and...

Couch potato-ey, misogynistic, hygenically impure, Bruce Dickinson loving nose picker Butthead.

Chickenhawk This Fuckball

Yay! The most intellectually vacant trope since John Kerry's candidacy is making a resurgence. Today, you've got a letter to the Strib (see the poop nugget signed by one Alvin "Boner" Ghyl!n), and the ever-present self-important leftyboner (spoofed) resurrecting year-old Kos droolings, farting out the same old snotty rejoinder: "Meh! If you love the war in Iraq so much, then why dontcha marry it fight in it?? Meh!"

'Course when you point out that there may in fact be more conservatives fighting over there than drooling retard know-it-all leftyboogers, you're ignored. And really why should they respond, since the whole "argument" such as it is, is merely a device to get the other side to shut up.

Really guys, do all these short cuts to thinking actually save you any time? (If you bother to read the gusty, over-long, interminably dull post linked above, you'll find that the answer is obviously "no.") I suppose you could fashion quite a list of issues to hang these turds on the gallows of their own logic in areas such as industry regulation, law enforcement, taxes, poverty in Africa ("join the Peace Corps hippie!"), farm subsidies, tort law and so on. Or maybe we could scare them into dropping the whole thing by observing that if we all went off to Iraq, there would be no one left here for them to condescend to. This could lead to a jump in leftyboner suicide rates, seeing as from all appearances their self-esteem is built solely on the number of times they've pwn3d a wingnut in some disturbingly vacuous comment thread.

Beh.

No. The best way to respond to this sort of drivel (again) is to meet it on the same intellectual level of discourse:

The Search for Bill Continues

I won't be silent. It is with some relief that I report that Bill does not appear to have been involved in a moving mishap as I first hypothesized. I phoned all the moving companies and equipment rental outfits in the area, and none reported that any of their vehicles have gone missing were involved in incidents over the past 2 weeks.

But Bill does still remain AWOL. In an effort to lure him out into the open, I have set an undecorated pie and a plastic container full of berries out on my front porch. It is my hope that Bill will not be able to resist such a tempting bait, and reveal himself at my front door, furtively decorating this pie. I will keep you posted.

Also, I have kept up on my duties as Temporary Art Director, and created a new banner. I think you'll like it, if Blog*Shit allows me to install it.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Breakfast of Morons

Something named Charles Baxter wrote an account of a post-election conversation he had with a couple of friends. The whole thing is basically a discussion among three Susan Lenfesteys with penises. I have insinuated myself into the conversation so there would be at least one viewpoint present that emanated from a source with an IQ higher than flan. Sure, you could read the original version, but why would you when mine is so much better?

The rewrite is as follows:

THE Senate has been seated, and we have a new senator, Amy Klobuchar. But we're still talking about the aftermath of the midterm elections.

Two friends from high school, guys I've known for 40 years, and I are at breakfast at a greasy spoon on Lyndale Avenue, watching the Minneapolis traffic. Because the restaurant was crowded, we had to share a table with some incredibly handsome and intelligent-looking fellow, named Lorne Ned Foote, or some such. I ask for their analysis. My friend the estate planner speaks up first.

"I have it all figured out. Bill Clinton defeated Karl Rove," he says. "The centrist Democrats, Bill Clinton types, beat out the Karl Rove types, the base voters. The base strategy isn't going to work for a while. If it had worked, Mark Kennedy would have won the race for the Senate, and we'd have a scowling movement-conservative accountant as Minnesota's senator. Instead, we have a brainy upbeat soccer-mom progressive. She won in a landslide. She was the antidote to despair. That's what's important."

The Foote guy interjected. "I won't be silent. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Please tell me on what issue Amy Klobuchar is a 'centrist'. You can't. Know why? Because you don't know. She got elected on her name, her connections, and an endless string of brainless, focus group-tested platitudes. She sure as hell didn't have any platform to speak of other than 'ME NOT RUBBER STAMP NEOCONS AND BUSH!' Pfft."

My other friend looks up from cutting his waffle and joins in. "Bill O'Reilly said national voter turnout would be low. He said that the election was a matter of life and death but that everyone - or 'the folks,' as he calls them - would be watching 'Dancing with the Stars.'" He chews thoughtfully. "That's pretty cynical of him. Who are these 'folks' he's always talking about? Anyway, he was wrong. There was a huge turnout in Minnesota."

Mr. Foote jumped in again, animated. "Ooooo! Some TV talking head was wrong about something. Did'ja note the date and time he said it? For surely that was an historic moment in the history of the world! Oh, and another thing," he continued. "How in the hell does one chew food 'thoughtfully'??? Who's writing this crap anyway?"

"George Bush hit the trifecta," I say. "Iraq, corruption and incompetence." I dig into my huevos. "Failure follows failure. The Republic Party will take years to recover from this. Al Franken thinks George Bush won't even be invited to the 2008 convention. It doesn't matter. No one has anything new to say about the current administration. It's all been said."

"Over and over and over and over and over and over again. That doesn't make 50% of it less of a brain-dead lie perpetuated by a bunch of small-minded fools who possess a fraction of the intellect of the guy they constantly deride as stupid. Present company included," Foote added.

"Why do you call it 'the Republic Party'" my friend asks.

"Because they say 'the Democrat Party.' So we should follow their example and say, 'the Republic Party,' and see what happens."

Mr. Foote flagged down a waitress and asked her if he could get a seat at someplace other than "the children's table."

"The Republic Party convention is going to be here," the estate planner says. "Think about that."

There is a long silence. A silence that was abruptly broken by a burst of flatulence.

"Let them come," my other friend, a sculptor and furniture-maker, proclaims with a smile. "This Congressional district is now represented by an African-American Muslim, a follower of Paul Wellstone." He means Keith Ellison.

"Oh, thanks for that clarification, Sherlock," taunted Foote. "I thought for a moment there that you were talking about Tammy Lee."

"Here's a guy," continued the sculptor "who doesn't run a single TV ad and beats his opponent in a landslide."

The Foote guy interrupted: "Yes, but to be fair, the DFL could have nominated a hermaphroditic walrus to run in the 5th and won. It speaks more of the pathology of the district than it does the candidate."

The sculptor ignored the interruption. "He gets on TV after the election and is asked by a conservative commentator to prove that he's not sympathetic to terrorism."

"Point of order, sir!" Mr. Foote was now standing on the table. "Glenn Beck never asked such a question. What he did was use that phrase to set up a softball question to Ellison. That would be a small fact you'd be aware of - notwithstanding your superior intellect, I'm sure - if you refused to have the boundaries of your reality set by what you read on the Huffington Post, or at the very least, had actually viewed the clip in question. Now, if you insist on propagating these banal third-rate lefty-blog memes, I shall be forced to stab you in the eye with my fork!"

"Then a representative from Virginia wonders if he's going to take the oath of office on the Koran."

When I looked up again, sculptor guy had a fork sticking out of his head. Yet he felt the need to keep prattling on, oblivious apparently, to both the utensil protruding from his eye and the suburbs:

"This district is the object of national attention. It's so progressive, it goes beyond blue into deep purple. We're not just a bunch of Lutherans anymore: Somalis and Latinos and everybody lives here. The party of George Bush wants to have its convention in St. Paul? Fine."

We watch the traffic.

"Boy, you guys must be a hoot at parties," Foote observed.

"It's safer to drive now," the estate planner says. "After the last elections, people were so angry that they were driving 80 or 90 miles an hour on I-35. They've calmed down a little."

I speak up. "Well, there's no winter here; the roads are clear. You can't ski because there's no snow, and the hockey rinks haven't opened because the ice is unsafe - when there is ice. In Minnesota! It's creepy. You'd think someone would pay attention."

Foote had a wild look in his eyes. "I've got another fork for you if you're going to bring up global warming..."

Another pause. "Why did they lie to us, those guys?" the sculptor asks, reaching for his coffee. "Why do they keep lying about Iraq and global warming?" I am always quoting from somewhere, so I quote my Minneapolis neighbor, the poet Robert Bly: "These lies mean that the country wants to die."

Foote stood again "That's it! FORKS FOR EVERYBODY!!!!!!"

"Not anymore," the sculptor says, sipping his coffee; carefully manuvering the mug around the fork handle imbedded in his skull. "We're in a new, positive era, starting now. The Democrats will make some difference."

"You think so?" I reply. Minnesotans cherish their political optimism. But when I think of Iraq and of our intentions there, another line of poetry comes to me, by Louis Simpson, so I say it: "Grave by grave we civilize the ground."

With that Lorne Ned Foote ran from the table screaming. We stuck our tab on his credit card. Us "progressives" are good like that.