Friday, March 30, 2007

OK Guys - Let's Take 48

It's understandable that Dementee is still combating the rage caused by the Great Lego Scandal of Aught-Seven. I think we all are.

But when a KARnie calls for a coup against the state government for proposing free public stairclimbers (which, I think is a positive sign, as it indicates that they're begining to run out of ideas for all the stupid ways they can spend our money), I think we owe it to ourselves to take a little break over the weekend, and come back refreshed.

Is it time for an overthrow?

Have you read this?

I did and these words from the Declaration of Independence come to mind:

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

These are dangerous – and I do mean dangerous – people. So addicted are they to the church of egalitarianism and so dismissive are they of the taxpayer, they are willing to do whatever is necessary to mandate everyone have equal access all the benefits of success.

Until I discovered beer and pizza I was as skinny as a rail and never, ever, did I belong to a health club. On the contrary, my friends and I played pick-up football, we rode bikes, we swam in the local lakes.

In other words, we were active, just plain active.

It doesn’t take money to stay fit, it takes moving about now and again.

My advice to the lard asses out there is to pull yourself away from the TV and computers and try a little exercise.

As for the pain in the ass nanny-state politicians…

FUCK THEM ALL!!

FUCK JOHN GURBAN

FUCK PHYLLIS KAHN

FUCK KAREN CLARK

FUCK RICHARD STONE, SR.

FUCK ROBERTA ENGLUND

If these Leftwing fuck-knobs stay in power for too long, the state will be buying minivans for every family in Minnesota because we should all have the right to one.

I do believe it is time for a rebellion against the Nanny-State, tax-worshiping DFLers – and those GOPers who qualify as well.

Ask not to whom the rule applies...

...it applies to thee.

But it doesn’t apply to him or him.

Say hello to two more environmentalist hypocrites: John Travolta and Prince Charles.

You can add them to a growing list of elitist pigs who are hell bent on using government to force you to reduce your “carbon footprint” (a made-up, bullshit measurement if ever there were one). Among the early adopters of environmental hypocrisy are:

Al Gore, John Edwards, Barbara Streisand, and any other Hollywood Leftist you can name.

Chuck takes a private jet to travel 500 miles so his second wife, Camilla, can enjoy a weekend in the Scottish Highlands.

Royal sources confirmed last night that Prince Charles boarded a Royal Flight HS125 at RAF Lyneham near his Highgrove home to take him, wife Camilla and a small entourage of aides to Aberdeen.

What the hell, he’s a prince who lives off the taxpayers in the UK and gets to live in his pick of several castles that are, no doubt, known for their highly efficient use of energy. He's never had a real job other than impregnating young blondes in a quest to keep the line to the throne in tact and that job ended when he had his exwife whacked.

Perhaps he can flap his ears, ala Dumb, and learn to fly. Camilla could latch onto his ass with her horse teeth and save the common folk millions of pounds.

Then we have our own little hypocrite right here in the good old USofA. Travolta owns 5 airplanes – including a Boeing 707:

"I'm probably not the best candidate to ask about global warming because I fly jets.

"I use them as a business tool though, as others do. I think it's part of this industry – otherwise I couldn't be here [UK] doing this and I wouldn't be here now."

Danm movie business. How dare it force poor John to fly his private jumbo jet so he can attend anti-global warming events.

Excuse me, Mr. Travolta, have you ever heard of flying commercial?

Or doesn’t the Grand Poobah of that cult you call Scientology allow his followers to associate with the unwashed and learn what it’s like to be an average Joe, or John as the case may be.

As always, when I read bullshit like this, I am compelled to go home and run every gas-burning vehicle, tool, implement I own. I think I will also pour my used oil down the storm sewer.

I see no reason to recycle with jackasses like John and Chuck working hard to save the earth.

God save the Queen, because the heir to the thrown is an elitist dirtbag.

MilF Tips: TPC at Valleywood #1

NOTE: This is the first installment of a series created for KAR's Expanded MilF Hype Program. Each week, we will present a breakdown of one hole on the MilF's home course: the majestic and hallowed TPC at Valleywood. Print them out and collect them all to make a groovy "course book" just like the pros use!


VALLEYWOOD #1
"Morning Train"


Playing 349 from the tips or 330 from the MilF tees, #1 is a solid if unspectacular opening hole. The fairway bends ever so slightly to the right leading to a deep, elevated green The best position for your first shot would be to the center or left side of the fairway. If you miss, miss left, as a stand of mature oak trees that lines the right side of the fairway will seal your doom.

Complicating your problems should you hit your drive right, is the fact that the driving range is right next door. Meaning you will either 1) never find your ball amid the approximately 40,000 range balls that have come to rest in the area or 2) cheat, by playing one of the better-positioned range balls, hoping nobody else in your group notices.

The deep, narrow green has three tiers, two of the same elevation separated by a gully in the middle. If the pin is back, make sure you get your approach shot to at least the middle of the green, otherwise it's as good as a 3-putt for you, Mary.

FOOT'S SECRET TIP: If you are erratic or underconfident with your driver off the tee, tee off #1 with a 2 or 3 iron. Even big hitters can't reach the elevated green, and since the slope up to the green is long and steep, the sacrifice in distance won't matter that much. If you have any testosterone at all, you'll still be hitting less than a 7-iron into the green anyway.

Something to Do

While you're waiting (quite possibly in vain) for me to post something brilliant, why not wander over to CREW's website (mentioned earlier this week) and drop 'em a line commending them on the outstanding job they're doing persecuting Republicans. Here's the one I just sent them:

I think it's great that there's finally an organization to call out unethical behavior in Washington. It's about time!

I had no idea that there were so many corrupt Republicans. I also had no idea that there is not one single unethical Democrat AT ALL in D.C.

Or does Soros prohibit you from going after those?

P.S. Could you explain to me how suing Mac Hammond has anything to do with "Ethics" in Washington. I mean, sure, the IRS is headquartered there and all, but I fail to see how an oily televangelist possibly breaking 501(c) requirements in Minnesota has anything to do with ethics in Washington. Or does he just donate a lot of money to Republicans, and thus must be punished?

Yeah. That's probably it.

I can't wait to see their response.

Minnesota is a Quagmire (Redux)

In addition to all the other crap we're dealing with in this state that I mentioned here, now we have blood shooting out of the sewers in Minneapolis. Must be because we're not being taxed enough.

Mississippi is staring to look mighty good.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

KAR FAQ Episode IX: Revenge of the Poopy Lego

Let's see what the ole e-mail bag has for us today...

I noticed that mere days after you called for Congressman John Kline to hold the Town hall meeting that a few self-important moonbats demanded, he scheduled it. Do you have some kind of influence over Kline's staff?

Well, since KAR is the second most influential PoopThunderJournal (or the most influential PoopThunderJournal to feature a talking monkey), I think our influence goes well beyond a single congressman or his staff. Our opinion matters to the movers and shakers in this world.

I find that extremely hard to swallow. Are you that Kline staffer, Michael Oskopp?
I'll never tell....

Admit it! LearnedFoot is a just sock puppet for John Kline and his staff!

I don't get paid enough to be a sock puppet.

But you do get paid? Ha! Pwn3d!

You really need to grow up and find a new word.

OK. How about "You got toasted!"?

Ah, so you've graduated from the sixth grade into the seventh. But how exactly did I get "toasted"?

Hey pal - I'm asking the questions here! Anyway, I just totally toasted you because I got you to admit that you're paid to be a sock puppet for John Kline! I'm so turning this information over to CREW!

I admitted no such thing. But, if that will make you go away...

NEVER! I will never go away, for I am Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer!!!!!

There's a whole chapter in the DSM about you, isn't there?

So Mr. Oskopp I mean Foot, will you be *giggle* at the Town *snort* Hall meeting?
I am not Mike Oskopp. But if you'll be there, I probably will send Joe Tucci in my stead.

Oh, you can bet I'll be there. I am totally gonna pwn toast that wingnut!

Then I'll have Tucci stop by and give you an atomic wedgie.

Oh, and another thing - do you know of any videos of 10 year-old musicians playing Iron Maiden songs?

Thanks to Dave, yes. Yes I do:



Hey! I didn't write that question. You just made it up! You have no credibility, LearnedOskopp!

Ha pwn3d!

Hypocrite.

Grow a penis you loser.

Pfffft.

Was that your ass, or just the air leaking out of your head?

I bet you were behind the 2 recent break-ins at DFL headquarters, Weren't you? It would be just like a Republikkkan operative attack blogger like you, LearnedOskopp!

I can't begin to address all the things wrong with that statement, but I'll try.

1) For the last time: I am not Mike Oskopp. As far as you know.

2) I am neither a) a Republican; nor b) an operative; nor c) a "blogger. I am a ThunderJournalist.

3) If I had broken in to the DFLic office, I would not have stolen a laptop. I would have left a clue.

You and your ilk disgust me!

Well, if you don't want to be disgusted, I suggest you go to some other website that won't hurt your tender sensibilities. Like this one.

Fine. I will - AAAAIIIIYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Teehee. (Thanks, Ryan.)

Minnesota Is a Quagmire

Our Secretary of State was endorsed by the Communist Party. Our Glorious New DFLic legislature is trying to tax the living shit out of us in every way imaginable, including a $900 million income tax hike (FYI -the total biennial budget is around $30 billion), and have begun their assault on our property rights. Meanwhile, dead babies continue to float down the Mississippi River.

At least we still have our Legos. Or are those next?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

"I Don't Accept Anything in Victory that I Won't Accept in Defeat"

Required listening for Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo, and others of like mind.

Kool Aid Toast to Yost.

Had to Do It...

If Legos are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Legos

Duct tape your head:

Teachers at a Seattle day care center decided to ban LEGO building blocks — those colorful little bricks kids use to build such creations as robots, monster trucks, space ships and vast futuristic cities. The Hilltop Children's Center bills itself as a nationally recognized, non-profit, non-religious facility. So why did the teachers toss the LEGOs?

Just a side note on the reporting here: are there religions out there that forbid the use of Legos? Besides Jahova Witnesses, I mean?


We'll let them explain: "We agreed that we want to take part in shaping the children's understandings from a perspective of social justice. So we decided to take the LEGOs out of the classroom.["]


Pressure... in... skull... mounting. Writing...becomming... labored... Must... reach... switch. Call... for...



...



HELP!







["]The children were building their assumptions about ownership and the social power it conveys — assumptions that mirrored those of a class-based, capitalist society — a society that we teachers believe to be unjust and oppressive."


Wow.


Allow me a moment to get my brain around this one.


[a moment]


Nope. Can't do it. Let's just attack this whole notion of "social justice".


The term "social justice" is used by smarmy self-loathing left-wing douchebags to make themselves sound intellectual, and to bolster their self-esteem by making themselves sound like they "care" and have "solutions" to all the world's "problems" despite the fact that they are routinely unable to differentiate their "asses" from a "hole" in the "ground."


The concept of social justice is an extremely dangerous thing. Its dangerousness lies in the fact that its a concept based on some intellectual fad, rather than on any basic discoverable truth. Justice that is based upon such truths needs no moidifier, and is indeed refered to in common parliance merely as "justice" - those notions of fair play, making (true) victims whole and the Right Thing Be Done. And while we mortals may sometimes fail at discerning what justice looks like in a given situation (as anyone who has spent more than 3 weeks in law school knows: it's one thing to be able to discern and recite the applicable law; it's somewhat harder to actually apply it to a set of facts), we know it's out there. And we know it when we see it.


"Social justice" by its nature is mutable. It can be shaped and formed to fit one's own demented world view, where the solution for society's ills relies on the confiscation of property or armed revolution. Put aside that those things are antithetical to Actual Justice as it exists. This is "social justice" - something much more important. The idea of "social justice" as given us, among other things, the Soviet Union, Naziism, and worst of all, Prohibition (not to mention the gangsters of the 20's that Prohibition gave rise to, who were also acting pursuant to their own notions of social justice).


And so what would actual justice look like in the case of the loony toon day care providers and the Legos? Not that I would ever EVER put him in an asylum such as this, but I keep imagining how Moonchild, a few years hence, would play with the Legos in this classroom:


TEACHER: Now, Moonchild, be sure to only construct environmentally sustainable, low income coopoerative buildings with those Legos.


MOONCHILD: I don't like making buildings, Ms. Fleebowictz-Mugabe. I build spaceships.


TEACHER: Oh how neat. Is your spaceship driven by intergalactically sustainable fuels like corn husks or compost?


MOONCHILD: Er... I guess...


TEACHER: And what are these things here?


MOONCHILD: [beaming proudly] Oh, those are the Super Duper Powerful Laser Disrupter Rays o' Devastation and Doom!


TEACHER: Well, I never! Moonchild C. Foot - that is not appropriate for -


FSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTT PA-WOP!!!!!


*fleen*


MOONCHILD; And they really work too!


MOONCHILD: [looking around] Ms. Fleebowictz-Mugabe? Ms. Fleebowictz-Mugabe? Where did you go?


...



...


...


...


Oh sorry. Just daydreaming. They grow up so darn fast, don't they? *sniff*


Anyhoo, the story has a bittersweet ending:


After months of what the teachers called "social justice exploration" — they let the LEGOs back in — but kids were only allowed to build "public structures" of standard sizes in a village dedicated to what they called "collectivity and consensus."


Yes, the kids did get their Legos back. Unfortunately, they didn't fashion crude weapons out of them and beat the teachers into submission before they could damage our nation's youth any further.


That would be justice.

...The Batmobile Lost a Wheel, and Joker Got a- WHAT?







Here's one for Ryan:



Several more here.

My New Life Goals

1) Learn how to sing.

2) Become a rock god.

3) Get invited on to American Idol to "mentor" the contestants, and to provide them a list of songs that "influenced" me as an artist for them to perform.

4) Laugh hysterically as some boy band reject struggles his way through an R&B "reimagining" of Iron Maiden's "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner". All 8 minutes of it.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Welcome to the Machine

I've stated before that I find "gotcha" blogging to be one of the lowest forms of discourse and argument. It's pointless, and it proves nothing, since hypocrites are always 50% right.

That said:

1) At KAR, we don't blog - we ThunderJournal;

2) If you've followed KAR for any significant length of time, you know that nothing is beneath us; and

3) Iron Maiden RULES!

So let's sharpen our knives and take a look at one of the more delicious double standards that has reared its head in the past couple of days.

Over at the nonpartisan-sounding Minnesota Monitor - that outfit funded by a totally nonpartisan-sounding outfit known as the "Center for Independent Media"; which in turn "shared office space" with the totally non-partisan sounding Media Matters: A George Soros Joint - Sock Puppet #2 takes issue with a lawsuit being filed against Our Glorious Revolutionary Secretary of State, Mark Ritchie.

Well, that's not really accurate. Sock Puppet #2 is more distressed (you're welcome for the link, Rew!) at who is bringing the suit: something called Minnesotans for Responsible Government (MRG). Sock Puppet #2 believes that MRG is a Republican / Conservative front organization used to file silly lawsuits against Democraticic public officials. As SP2 posed the question:

"Responsible Government"? Or partisan attack politics as usual?

When challenged by a commenter about the incongruity between his words (calling out an NGO as a partisan attack organization) and deeds (being paid to write for a partisan attack organization) , SP2 responded thus:

The difference being, of course, that information about CIM has been out for months, been vetted thoroughly, and been found lacking only by the venom-spitting hard-right wing of the Republican punditocracy.

On the other hand, MRG has sprung up from nowhere to go after Democrats repeatedly with a nominally neutral-sounding name.

The difference seems pretty clear to me.


It is very clear to me as well.

I'm not going to bog down with the details of the lawsuit or its defendant. For purposes here, it's irrelevant. Suffice it to say that I am far more concerned about our Communist Party-endorsed SecState's potential to make Minnesota the first state where the number of votes cast in an election actually exceeds the number of residents in the state than I am about who he links to on his official website.

However, when a paid sock puppet throws stones in glass houses - well - I get all giddy. Let's start from the beginning.

When Minnesota Monitor exposed some rather exotic financial relationships between TelePastor Mac Hammond and his church that could conceivably damage the church's 501(c) status, they forwarded the documentation they found to a group called "Citizens for Responsibility in Washington" (CREW). I thought it odd at the time, since a normal person would have either a) done nothing at all; or b) reported the information to the appropriate enforcement agency (in this case, the IRS). Odder still, was the fact that a swarthy God salesman playing fast and loose with his nonprofit status in Minnesota has little to do with ethics in Washington. I didn't look any further at the time since I figured that these were moonbat activists, and they function in ways different than your typical well-adjusted human being. They love to form and use NGOs. In fact, your typical moonbat family consists of 2 mothers, 1 child (adopted from Uganda) and 3 NGOs.

So who is CREW? Well, according to their website, CREW:

...targets government officials who sacrifice the common good to special interests. We will help Americans use litigation to shine a light on those who betray the public trust...

And a quick check of its press releases, shows us that they tend to target government officials of one particular party. Presumably Democratics never ever sacrifice the "common good" to "special interests."

I will also continue to express confusion as to how Mac Hammond fits into that mission. But I digress.

Now, let's take a look at CREW's principals:

Melanie Sloan, Executive Director

Melanie Sloan serves as CREW's Executive Director. Prior to starting CREW, she served as an Assistant United States Attorney in the District of Columbia where, from 1998-2003, she successfully tried cases before dozens of judges and juries. Before becoming a prosecutor, Ms. Sloan served as Minority Counsel for the U.S. House of Representatives Judiciary Committee, working for Ranking Member John Conyers (D-MI) and specializing in criminal justice issues.

In 1994, Ms. Sloan served as Counsel for the Crime Subcommittee of the House Judiciary Committee, chaired by then-Representative Charles Schumer (D-NY). There, she drafted portions of the 1994 Crime Bill, including the Violence Against Women Act. In 1993, Ms. Sloan served as Nominations Counsel to the Senate Judiciary Committee, under then-Chairman, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE). Prior to serving in Congress, she was an associate at Howrey and Simon in Washington, D.C. and at Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal in Los Angeles, California. Ms. Sloan received her A.B. and J.D. from the University of Chicago and has published in the Yale Law and Policy Review, Legal Times, The Washington Post, and the San Diego Union-Tribune.

So the Executive director is a well-traveled Democraticic Party bobo. There's a shock! What else can we dig up? Oh, how about this:

Naomi Seligman Steiner, Deputy Director and Communications

Director Naomi Seligman Steiner serves as CREW's Deputy Director and Communications Director. She has worked extensively as a communications professional, developing and managing media strategies for campaigns, elected officials and nonprofit organizations. Prior to joining CREW, Ms. Seligman Steiner was the communications director for the nonprofit, media watchdog group, Media Matters for America. -

STOP THE PRESSES!!!!

There's Media Matters again. Funny how that name keeps popping up.

Oh, but I'm sure it's nothing. After all, the nonpartisan-sounding Center for Independent Media, which bankrolls the nonpartisan-sounding Minnesota Monitor only "shared office space" for a little with with the nonpartisan-sounding Media Matters of which the second officer listed on the website of nonpartisan-sounding Citizens for Ethics in Washington lists as a resume bullet.

Or maybe - just maybe - they're constituent parts of a bigger machine. A sort of "left-wing attack machine" if you will. CIM is the propaganda arm. CREW does the legal wet work and hatchet jobbery. We're starting to get beyond coincidences here.

So what?

Good question. George Soros and Whatzizface - the CEO of Progessive Insurance - can spend their money however they want. When it comes down to brass tacks, ideas usually win the day over well-crafted and loudly repeated but intellectually vacant propaganda. The fact that these folks are bought and paid for by George Soros or some Vast Left Wing Conspiracy (for the record, my tongue was lodged in my cheek while I typed those last 4 words) to poop out some uniform message that they think will lead to a glorious socialistic future is ultimately of no moment. Such things don't often carry the day in a nation such as ours in which we are guaranteed the freedom to hock rhetorical loogies at each other.

But when same moonbats try to assail someone else's cred by claiming they're a "paid Republican operative" or a "party hack" just link back to this post and laugh at them. I've written it before: a hack is a hack is a hack. Whether you are or were affiliated with a political party, or presently or formerly paid by it is really no different than being paid by a proxy for a political party. You're still a hack. The later merely allows you to create neat little self-serving niches with arbitrarily gerrymandered boundaries that exonerate yourself, and simultaneously nail your opponent. For Sock Puppet #2 to posit that analysis applies to Minnesotans for Responsible Government, while it doesn't apply to their cozy little sister organization - the nonpartisan-sounding Citizens for Ethics in Washington - is a joke.

Gotcha.

CORRECTION: In the above post, KAR misidentified the author of the Minnesota Monitor piece as "Sock Puppet #4." The actual author was Sock Puppet #2. Also, in the final full paragraph, "whether" was misspelled "wheter."

Both corrections have been integrated into the post, and KAR regrets the errors.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Future Shock

Yesterday, the Strib offered us an absurd glimpse into the life of a family existing in (since "living in" wouldn't be quite the appropriate term here) The House of 2037. I had a hearty laugh over the section-long piece and searched throughout it to find the hidden "April fools!" message, a la the famous SI Sidd Finch hoax. I couldn't find it. Then I remembered that April Fool's day is still a week away.

And then I wept.

To say that this utopian barf-puddle of an oh-so-depressing (and gloriously socialist) future borders on the self-parody would spot on. But that would also make for a really short ThunderJournal post. So to illustrate how bad this thing is, I have fashioned a fun interactive game.

Below are 13 items. Some are verbatim cut-and-paste jobs from the extensive graphical representations of the piece. Some are merely summaries written by me that, while snarky or humorously rendered, are an accurate recreation. Some I just made up. See if you can guess which are real and which are the product of my sick sick mind. If you have a strong stomach, you can find the "real" ones somewhere in here. For those who have less time and more sanity, the answers are given below.

Brace yourselves...and let's begin:

1. In one of the more striking architectural features of the House of 2037, the chimney is replaced with a giant egg beater.

2. Since television viewing is a major contributor to our obesity epidemic, all television sitcoms and dramas will be abolished and replaced by 24-hour live streaming video of both polar icecaps. Should circumstances warrant, these images will be briefly interrupted with news reports detailing the latest developments from the front in the war against Eastasia.

3. Retractable shutters lower to protect roof garden and windows from hail and wind damage, both of which are more likely in the future.

4. Downspouts drain into cisterns that manage water in a future with prodigious rains alternating with drought.

5. Rotating 50mm cannon turrets mounted on the roof help defend the home against the frequent space alien and zombie invasions that will occur in the future.

6. Emily, 37, is preparing dinner when she receives a video call from her husband, Yaochuan, 29, in Shanghai, China, where he resides. Emily is a recently married Internet bride. Yaochuan sought a wife of child-bearing age in the United States because of the lack of women in China.

7. Emily explains that they are running low on carbon points. The points are carried on the carbon debit card issued to each household. In addition to money, points are subtracted when family members buy high-carbon-emitting goods and services, such as gasoline or airline tickets. The couple don’t have enough for Yaochuan’s flight to Minneapolis unless he’s able to purchase more from a frugal family selling points on the carbon exchange. Yaochuan says he’ll do that. He’ll see her next week. He plans to stay a month, so they can “work” on a pregnancy.

8. Emily anxiously anticipates Yaochuan's visit. One of the side effects of global warming in China - a nation that will have been especially hard hit by the crisis - is that Chinese men have evolved freakishly enormous penises.

9. Debra, 82, spent the afternoon with bedding plants in the home’s green-roof garden. Taking full advantage of the longer growing season, she’s aware there are weather “surprises” with global warming’s climate change. Just now, Debra is taking a call from her insurance provider on a personal computing device. She’s told that the device has been recording a fast heart rate, but there’s no indication that she’s on her treadmill. The embedded chips in Debra’s clothing monitor her health and notify her insurer of possible problems. She explains that she’s fine. It’s just her first time in the garden since November.

10. There are no solar panels on the house because it has since been long-settled science that the sun provides minimal energy to the earth.

11. Car barns house the shared hydrogen or electric vehicles, which are maintained by the community and checked out by residents.

12. Fire hydrants supplied by rain runoff, wetlands and raw sewage surround the car barns to make it easier to douse fires caused by the frequent hydrogen car explosions.

13. No basement. Despite all the dire predictions about the severity of future weather, The House of the Future contains no basement. Instead, when the daily tornado comes around, the occupants will huddle in a "safe room," which is presumably reinforced with crusty recycled toilet paper.

*

*

*

ANSWERS: 2, 5, 8, 10 & 12 are made up. Scary, huh?

Moron You Don't Get Out Very Much, Do You? Mail

I am not going to go so far as to call today's correspondent a moron (even though he does speak approvingly of NonMonkey). The drone who decided that this should be the "Letter of the Day," on the other hand...

As a Minneapolis resident with deep roots in St. Paul, I could relate to Nick Coleman's column about the relationship between the cities.

The column was a fun rant about a marketing campaign proposal for the Twin Cities: "Meet Minneapolis." I have a solution. When I moved back to Minnesota from Texas nine years ago, I was so happy I invented a celebratory drink and named it the MinneaPaulitan. Friends have been asking for the recipe ever since.

It strikes me that instead of the too-general "Twin Cities" and rather than choosing either city's name, we could a use a variation of my drink name for the region: MinneaPaulopolis.


Atomizer, get your pencil ready...

MINNEAPAULITAN

• Fill an old-fashioned glass with ice.

• Pour 1 or 2 ounces of Tanqueray (or gin of your choosing).

• Almost fill with diet tonic.

• Add a splash of Rose's lime juice.

• Garnish with lime wedge or lime zest curl (a nod to the green o' the Irish).


MR. BOSTON, MINNEAPOLIS

Er... isn't that basically just a Gin and Tonic?

Here's a recipe more worthy of a Letter of the Day. I call it a "Footini":

FOOTINI

3 or 4 oz. Gin
1 tsp. Dry Vermouth (or to taste)

Shake ingredients in ice and serve in a Footini glass. Garnish with olive or cocktail onion.

"I Happen to Like This Job...It Is My Destiny"

Chad Vader 7:



And according to this, CV 8 is coming soon.

KAR now returns to original content...

Friday, March 23, 2007

Open thread for the Elder to Defend Himself Against Brian Lambert

Chad the Elder and I disagree on many issues ranging from the significance of College Hockey (he may have an argument) to our relative good looks (summary judgment in my favor). But one thing we both agree on is that former PiPress TV critic and failed talk show host Brian Lambert is a dishonest and smarmy little twerp.

Today, Chad finds himself on on the business end of a Lambert hit piece, published in a local freebie 'zine; an article that could potentially be read by dozens of people. I offer this space to Chad to defend his honor. And to anyone else who thinks Lambert is a total slapnuts.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Today is Chemo Day, which for you means "Outsourced Material Day!"

Sis is riding high this week, having come up with one of the best one-liners I've ever seen, and with his beloved Minnesota Hockey Gophers pulling a 1 seed without having to play Holy Cross in the opening round of the tournament. Can he keep up the momentum?

Sisyphus only, please.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Closed Circuit to Triple_a

According to my site meter, there's someone out there who thinks that you are a "douchebag," and he or she is currently searching the web for information supporting that thesis.

Moron Mail

We see (saw) only what we want(ed) to see:

I don't know the motivation of those who stated that the Muslim cashiers, who wouldn't handle pork products, should go "back where they come from." But it is interesting to contrast that reaction to the reaction we heard when some pharmacists refused to dispense birth control pills because it was against their religious beliefs.

Where were the cries then of "get a different job," or "go back where you came from"?


Um, they were everywhere.

And that's just a sampling. When that issue arose last spring there was no shortage of folks simultaneously ignorant of both the First Amendment and free markets who felt the need to blather on and on in their blogs and the papers about how their supposed "rights" were superior to the very real ones of another.

(BTW this one is my favorite. Be sure to check out the comment thread to that post to see what it looks like when a smug prick gets rhetorically disemboweled and then metaphorically strangled with his own hypothetical entrails.)

DOUGLAS WOBONER, BURNSVILLE

Given that this letter was so easily dispatched with bandwidth to spare (didn't even have to reprint the whole thing), I will now waste your time and mine proving my superior intellect by solving a Rule Against Perpetuities problem (taken from here):

Otto devises Blackacre, "to Adam for life, then to his widow for life, then to their eldest surviving child."

The RAP provides: "no interest is good unless it must vest, if at all, within 21 years of some life in being." Generally, the rule applies to contingent remainders. I will assume that the Rule in Shelley's Case has been abolished for purposes of this Moron Mail exercise.

In this case, there are 2 contingent remainders: the life estate to the widow (it is possible that Adam would be unmarried at the time of his death), and the gift to Adam's eldest child, as we assume that none exist at the time of the bequest. (NOTE: The gift to the eldest child is also a springing executory interest, which, for our purposes here, is irrelevant as executory interests are also contingent remainders.)

First, the gift to Adam's widow is good. Adam is the "measuring life" - that is, a life in being at the time of the bequest. Therefore, as Adam's widow could only be Adam's widow if she were married to him at the time of his death, the gift to her falls within the 21 year limit regardless of when she herself was born.

Sadly though, the gift to the eldest child is void under the RAP. Suppose Adam married (or remarried) a woman born after the effective date of the device (Otto's death). Thus Adam's widow would not be a "life in being" for purposes of the RAP. Now suppose Adam dies shortly thereafter - because, say, some pharmacist wouldn't sell him a drug he needed, and he was too stupid to notice the Snyder's across the street. Further assume that his widow lived on for more than 21 years. Therefore the gift to the eldest child would not vest (because it can't by the terms of the gift until she dies) within 21 years of the eldest child's nearest life in being, Adam. The gift is void, and poor little Pubert (who was only born because of Widow's inability to procure Plan B in the puritanical little Burg she lived in) gets NOTHING! (Under the will, that is - the laws of intestate succession may provide him a little somethin' somethin'.) QED. It's the classic "Unborn Widow" scenario.

Not that I'd expect Douglas to understand.

Earth in the Balance

On the same day that noted nonscientist and two-time grad school dropout Al Gore testified about Global Warming Cooling Climate Change(tm) before Congress, Mrs. Foot traded in her Toyota Camry for a nice big carbon-spewing SUV.

As I have mentioned several times before, she is one special lady.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Shoebox Full of Photos

I lost my grandfather last week. It wasn't especially jarring or anything; he had been in poor health for some time. Everyone was expecting it. Nor was it especially tragic, since he lived a full life marked with success, and reared four fine boys who all grew up to become successful in various ways by their own right. And, of course, one of those boys grew up to become Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo, to whom I, in part, owe my existence.

Likewise, there were no great lessons in Perspective or Love or the Value of Life for me to glean from his death. If you've been paying attention over the past few months, I've already passed that course.

KAR is not a personal ThunderJournal, so I won't go into the personal memories or gauzy reminiscences that such occasions would normally elicit. You never met my grandfather, nor would you care about all the vacations, card games and other mental artifacts. And I wouldn't blame you.

But now that I am entering the fourth paragraph of this post, you probably suspect that there might be some other point for bring this up. Your suspicions are about to pay off.

About 10 years ago, one of my uncles produced a shoebox (possibly more than one) and some albums filled with pictures of my grandfather and our family. We were putting together a slideshow video to mark his and my grandmother's 50th wedding anniversary. Among the hundreds of photos was this one, that knocked me out of my chair:





That's him in the top row behind the flag, second from the left.

(And I cannot let this pass without mentioning that the first comment someone present made after unearthing this picture was "...And here's a picture of Grandpa from back when he was a Nazi." Yes, I'm not the only one like me in my family.)

He lied about his age to get into the Army during WWII. The Army assigned him to a Ranger division, and he was among the brigades that landed at Point du Hoc on D-Day. The stories he told were gripping. He told about scaling the cliffs there - one hand on the rope, the other firing blindly in the general direction of "up" toward the Germans above, who were just as blindly dropping grenades down on him.

Happily, he was one of the few who made it to the top alive.

Most people will leave behind a shoebox full of pictures to remind subsequent generations of their mark upon the world. But for a precious few - whose numbers are dwindling rapidly - the world itself is the evidence for the mark they left on it.

He really doesn't get it

In today’s Star & Sickle “Letter of the day”, Steven Kriz of Maple Grove asks:

When Americans torture and systematically abuse another human being, even a cold-blooded killer like KSM, how are we morally superior to the terrorists themselves?

Since Steven posed the question I feel compelled to answer.

Steve,

I find your question to be preposterously easy to answer. So easy, in fact, that a myopic imbecile such as yourself should be able to answer it as well. Since that is not the case, let me offer the following.

We are morally superior to all terrorists for the simple fact that we don’t live to maim murder and butcher innocent men, women and children.

In fact, most of us would never think about taking the life of a fellow human being unless circumstances so dire forced us to do so.

What if your young daughter were kidnapped, raped and beaten to death? Would you sit passively waiting for the human slime who did it to be brought to trial without giving it a second thought, or would you be so filled with rage you would have to be restrained from attacking the bastard and ripping is heart out with your hands?

Does your desire to kill him put you on equal moral footing, or should you be allowed this transgression from your normal state based on the circumstances?

Careful how you answer, Michael Dukakis lost his bid for the Oval Office because of his answer to a similar question.

Steve, did you notice that a 5 week old baby was murdered the other day?

I’d like to take the guy who did it, just him no one else, and kick his ass up and down the street until he is bloody and broken.

Does that make morally equal to him?

If you answer yes, as I believe you will, it is you who are screwed in the head and a danger to the rest of us who wish to win the war that you called “mythical.”

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

All we are saying is…

Give peace a chance.

Pacifists are great. Such peace loving folk, they are; always marching against war and, indeed, violence of any kind.

Some are so radically anti-violence; they use violence to prove that non-violence is the only answer.

All we are saying is give peace a chance?

Suck a Molotov Cocktail and die you assholes.

I, for the record, am not a pacifist.

WORLD PREMIERE!!! Moonchild Climbs Into Crib

MOONCHILD CLIMBS INTO CRIB
Bonerpoopfart Pictures (2007)

Produced and directed by: LearnedFoot
Starring: Moonchild
Written by: Moonchild

PRODUCTION NOTES

* Filmed on location in Moonchild's room in one take.

* Moonchild performed all his own stunts.

And now, our Feature Presentation:

Can lightning strike twice

It was a great weekend for hockey lovers. For those who remember the 1979 NCAA championship game, the similarities were striking.

Blake Wheeler's overtime goal on Saturday night proved that lightning can strike twice. Even if there are 28 years in between strikes.

Today



and 1979



I love playoff hockey.

March to Madness Episode 2: The Phantom Atomizer

[Our scene opens with LearnedFoot, Bill and Dementee gathered around the Kegerator at KAR world headquarters. We join the conversation already in progress.]

LEARNEDFOOT: ...controversy for the ages. That said, this issue is not really all that tough of a call when you think about it. And while I can see the other side's argument, I simply cannot understand why anyone would think that a classic low rise thong is sexier than your basic V-string.

DEMENTEE: DEMENTEE SEE YOUR POINT, BUT STILL NOT CONVINCED!!!!!

BILL: Well, Dementee, you see -

[Atomizer suddenly appears and interrupts the conversation.]

ATOMIZER: What up, gentlemen?

LF: 'Sup, A? You look sad.

ATOM: I am sad.

DEM: WHY SAD????!!!!!!!

ATOM: The Fraters are picking on me again!

[Dementee, LearnedFoot and Bill follow the hyperlink to see what Atomizer is talking about]

BILL: Man, those guys are just mean. I mean, CSPAN? C'mon! Get a life...

ATOM: I know. You see what I have to put up with every day? Not only is the water cooler there filled with actual water, if something doesn't have to do with CSPAN, hockey or Vox Day, those guys don't want to hear about it. Sheesh!

DEM: WOULD ATOMIZER LIKE BEER FROM CORPORATE KEGERATOR??????!!!!!!

ATOM: No thanks. It's after noon. I'm on to the harder stuff.

LF: It's just not fair, Atomizer. For all the material you provide for that blog - and the occasional post you write yourself - you'd think those guys would appreciate you more.

ATOM: I know! I hate it when Chad tries to put words in my mouth! And there's just no end to the back biting over there. I mean, there was this one time - oh, I probably shouldn't say anything...

BILL: It's OK. KAR is a "Judgment-Free Zone". You should feel comfortable talking about anything you want here.

ATOM: Well there was this one time, where Chad was on his third straight hour talking about his NCAA hockey tournament pics, and when I mentioned that Holy Cross had a good basketball program too, he went through the roof! Swearing and carrying on as if I had just stolen his tuque or something. It's like he refuses to even acknowledge that other, far more interesting sports exist.

LF: Yeah, and only 16 teams play in the hockey tournament -

ATOM: Which I believe accounts for about 85% of all the Division 1 college hockey programs -

LF: - right. How hard is that to bet on?

BILL: Unless the Gophers play Holy Cross in the first round.

[They all laugh. Except Dementee, who looks indignant.]

DEMENTEE: HEY NOW!!!!!! NO MORE BADMOUTH HOCKEY!!!!!

[LearnedFoot makes Dementee disappear in a cloud of pixels and irrelevance]

ATOM: Cool! I wish I could do that to Chad sometimes...

BILL: I know how you feel man. I. Know. How. You. Feel.

LF: I can teach you...

ATOM: Huh?

LF: [Voice booming] Join us, and I can teach you the ways of the ThunderJournal! You can be my apprentice, and together we can crush the insufferable college hockey fans!!!!

ATOM: Um...

LF: Er, well...there are other reasons to join us.

ATOM: Such as?

LF: Well, uh, such as...we are the best looking team of bloggers in the universe!

ATOM: Oh, really?

LF: Sure! Compare us to your Fraters. Top to bottom, we are a better looking bunch. I am better looking than Chad. Bill is much more fetching than St. Paul -

ATOM: What about the Head of Alfredo Garcia?

LF: Um...well, he's not as good looking as JB, but he carries himself with quiet confidence, stemming from his certitude that he is a much purer conservative.

ATOM: Yeah, I can see that.

LF: So you can join us, and be a part of the handsomest group of bloggers in the universe, and learn neat rhetorical tricks too!

ATOM: I'll think about it...

LF: Good enough for me!. Now, let's take a look at your brackets.

BILL: And I shall decorate a pie to mark the occasion!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Breaking in the New Guy


Monday, March 19, 2007

Coming Attractions

Rumor has it that production has wrapped in the long-anticipated sequel to Moonchild Surfs Stairs, and it could be released as early as tomorow.

Developing...

If God Were here, He'd Tell Me to My Face: "Man, You're Some Kinda Sinner!"



















What if Exxon Shrugged?

Minnesotans love to giggle with glee about the drunken misadventures of Wisconsinites. If there's ever a story about an inebriated "Sconnie" running out the 16th floor window of a hotel, or a drunken tryst with a farm animal, you can be sure to hear about it all over the local radio, newspapers or weblogs.

As a brief aside it should be noted that when these sorts of things are done by Minnesotans, more often than not the perp is a sober Lutheran type. Personally, I think it's much more embarrassing to get caught porking a donkey when you're in complete control of your faculties than if you've had one pop too many. My guess is that it has something to do with the natives' inability to hold their liquor. You can't do dumb things if you've passed out after your third beer.
But I digress.

It's bad enough to get hammered and do it doggie style with a cow. But in that case there's only 2 victims - the very disappointed cow, and its molester's reputation. However, when you vote drunk, everybody in the state gets stuck with a governor like Wisconsin's Jim Doyle.

Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo alerted me to one of Doyle's tax proposals over the weekend, and I've gotta say that it makes an inebriated pig schtupper look mighty reasonable. Here's a taste:

A boost to the state's transportation fund, including more than $200 million for I-94 reconstruction from Milwaukee to Illinois. Fine so far; so what's the problem? Doyle wants it funded by Big Oil and increased vehicle registration fees.

While most people don't have a problem building roads on Big Oil's dime, Doyle plans to defer the cost of infrastructure to Big Oil in the form of - what else? - a tax, while forcing the oil companies to not pass the higher cost to customers.

This plan is so poorly thought-out that some officials aren't even sure whether it's legal.


It should raise flags whenever an editorial appearing in the Milwaukee Jenital says a new tax is "poorly thought out"; even if it is a guest editorial.

So Diamond Jim Doyle wants to tax the profits of Big Oil, and force Big Oil to keep another set of false books solely for the perusal of Wisconsin's tax authorities. This idea is so breathtakingly stupid from both its ignorance of basic economics to its out and out arrogance, the mind reels.

I think it would be great if this stupid tax was passed, and then the powers that be at Big Oil all decided that Wisconsin was no longer a market where they wished to do business. Maybe they could stage a 10 day production strike, timed right before the next even-year election.

That would be sweet.

This Week in Gatekeeping

Your fearless gatekeeper was away Thursday and Friday. In the meantime, Dementee posted the following nugget, that would have passed without comment, had he not intentionally tried to cheese off Noted Upset Marquette Alumnus Denbo and myself in a subsequent post:

"It feels good to be for a bill like this," said Rep. Marty Seifert, R-Marshall.

Hey Marty, I don’t give a goddamn how the bill makes you feel. Your feelings are irrelevant. The only thing that matters here is that you and the other fools who support this nonsense are stepping way over the line in this one
.

Alert reader and Noted SCSU Scholar King Bananaman helpfully writes in to note that Seifert's remarks were a facetious and sarcastic observation on the motivations some less intellectually gifted legislators may have for supporting the bill. Prof. Bananaoanashoanaiananinan offers Seifert's "nay" vote as proof for this assertion (page 1474).

Dementee regrets the error.

And KAR regrets that Dementee is a total slapnuts.

.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Spotlight on Hockey

I love playoff hockey.

I'm heading to "The" X today to watch the SCSU Huskies take on the UND Fighting Sioux. I'm taking the lads out of school early so they can experience the atmosphere and we just might hang around to buy tickets to the evening session to watch the Gophers and Badgers fight it out.

As a gesture of kindness, I thought I would invite the Marquette basketball team to join us.

They've got nothing better to do.

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Don't forget to invite Notre Dame' basketball team.

LEARNEDFOOT ALSO NOTES: Cancel the Badgers' invite, however. They're busy.

LF REFLECTS FURTHER: You know D, NCAA hockey is such a great game that even if Notre Dame wins the hockey championship, 5 years from now nobody (outside Minnesota) would remember it; but everyone (outside Minnesota) would fondly recall 2007 as the year the Fighting Spud Chuckers earned an early exit from an obscure Winthrop team in the first round of the tournament that everybody (outside Minnesota) actually gives a shit about.

They are freaking nuts

Can we recall legislators? Can we fire their asses for complete and total stupidity? Are we, as citizens, allowed to march to the Capitol in St. Paul, put them in a line and whack them across their asses with a baseball bat that has a rusty railroad spike sticking out of it?

Just curious.

It does seem like a better use of their time than the nonsense they are debating now. How fucking stupid are these assholes to believe they can legislate where products sold in Minnesota are manufactured.

What’s next, mandating all cars sold in Minnesota be manufactured in the USofA? Goodbye Toyota, Honda, Porsche, Mercedes, et al.

How about shutting down the Chinese buffet, or the Italian restaurant that sits in close proximity to the Hollowed (yes I meant Hollowed) Halls of the Capitol.

"It feels good to be for a bill like this," said Rep. Marty Seifert, R-Marshall.

Hey Marty, I don’t give a goddamn how the bill makes you feel. Your feelings are irrelevant. The only thing that matters here is that you and the other fools who support this nonsense are stepping way over the line in this one.

Has Phyllis Kahn melted all of your brains? One of her is enough. Actually, one of her is one too many.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

An Illustration of Backasswards Logic

I’ve not spent too much time on this subject, but feel compelled to comment on it because this column precipitated one of the most illogical pieces of morn mail ever written.

First, I’ll nutshell the issue for you:

[The] Employee Free Choice Act (EFCA) would amend the National Labor Relations Act, the 70-year-old federal law that regulates union and management relations, by eliminating the government-administered secret ballot election by which employees have traditionally chosen union representation. In its place, the EFCA would allow unions to gain representation rights by acquiring employee signatures on "authorization cards" from a majority of employees in a voting unit.

In other words, say goodbye to the secret ballot and hello to the union boss putting his arm around you, shoving a card in your face and saying, “So, buddy boy, I hear you ain’t too crazy about unionizin’”.

Sounds like an invitation to corruption to me, but that’s not the way Mark Bradley of Roseville sees it:

Now, secret ballots are a fine thing, but Feuss should remember that people like Fidel Castro and Saddam Hussein were repeatedly elected by secret ballot. The point is that democracy is a process, not an event, and if the process is corrupted, the event becomes meaningless.

Excuse me, Mark, or is it Marx, every elected official in this country was elected by secret damn secret ballot. Are you, in your brain-dead way, trying to equate our elections with the ones held by Fidel and Saddam?

If our general elections were run like NLRA elections, Party A would be able to herd citizens into rooms and harangue them for hours about the evils of Party B. Those who did not attend these indoctrination sessions would be subject to punishment. People who dared to campaign in favor of Party B could be stripped of citizenship and deported. And then, there would be a secret ballot vote.

What Marx fails to mention is that, while there is a history of violence on the part of both labor and management, it is the labor unions – remember Jimmy Hoffa – that have a colorful history of cracking the skulls of those who don’t fall in line and tow the union line.

Don’t want the union; you can roast marshmallows over the embers of your burnt-out home.

No American would tolerate such a system, and yet that's how NLRA elections work. The Employee Free Choice Act would restore fairness to the system.

Please, Marx, explain to me how fairness would be restored when the grandson of Tommy Lucchese comes calling, with authorization card in hand, to exact a little influence.

If ever there was a bill that could be called Anti American, this is it.

Leave it to the unions to come up with this little number.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

New Blogger Sucks

I had this sweet Moron Mail ready to go. When I hit "publish" I got an error message telling me that I exceeded the character limit in the labels field. When I hit the back button (no alternative was offered), I discovered that the post was completely obliterated, and unrecoverable. This makes today's featured cretin especially lucky, as the post was a good one IMAO.

Alas, I lack the time to reconstruct it, and I must move on to other things. So I ask you, dear reader, to fisk this flaming Jane Smiley wannabe asshole within an inch of his pathetic little life. Such as it is. (But given your pathetic record as a disengaged and passive audience, dear reader, I won't hold my breath.)

Joined by philosophy

So many reasons for Mitch Pearlstein to be pleased with himself (Commentary, March 9)! He disapproves of Ann Coulter! He's adopted a biracial daughter! He knows the meanings of hard words like "alliterative" and "larboard"! On a subsequent descent from Olympus perhaps Pearlstein will explain how he decides where to draw his lines of disapproval.

He's "not too thrilled" with Coulter, but she's gotten rich selling her shtick to dolts who mark their ballots as he marks his. He boasts of never having invited Coulter to address his think tank, but he's invited others who fawn on her.

Lacking the powers of discrimination possessed by these demigods, I find it convenient to revile them all uniformly.


ERIC JORGENBONER, MINNEAPOLIS

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Out on the Sea of Madness - A MilF Hype Preview

For sports fans, March Madness is the most wonderful time of the year. March and April see spring training give way to Major League Baseball's regular season. The NFL draft gives millions of fantasy football dorks hours of programming. The Masters tailors another green jacket. And the frenetic concomitance of the NCAA (men's) basketball tournament feeds the obsessions of roundball fans and casual bettors for an entire month.


But most importantly, March marks the beginning of KAR's annual Four Months of Hype leading up to the blogosphere's premiere sporting event: the 3rd Annual Millard Fillmore Memorial KAR-Nation Open Championship Charity Golf Outing Celebrity Classic. And this year's hype promises to be bigger, better, and more annoying than ever! For 2007, not only will you be subjected to the incessant updates and notices, but the KAR Hype Machine will also be enhancing your promotional experience with:


* A new logo (Where's the new logo, Bill?)!


* Semiprofessonal-appearing, overproduced, fancy ad slicks, such as the one pictured above!


* Even more sternly-worded reminders to check your friggin' e-mail and get back to me!


* A weekly tips and strategies post featuring hole-by-hole breakdowns of the luxuriant TPC at Valleywood!

* And much, much more!


And just a reminder: if you haven't put yourself on the list to participate in the 3rd Annual MilF (or the post-MilF gala for you nongolfers), please e-mail me IMMEDIATELY at:





Once Valleywood opens for the season, I'll contact all prospective participants for help determining which date/time/format/amount of beer/charity works best for everybody.


MilF 2007 - Believe the Hype!

***ACTION ALERT!!!*** Our Cover Is Blown!

OK - who spilled it?
Cottage cheese thighs are unpatriotic.
Hillary! Clinton has aparently discovered that we never went away, but were merely laying low to avoid detection:
Barack Obama is a neocon plant. Support him with all your might.
Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton told Democrats Tuesday the "vast, right-wing conspiracy" is back, using a phrase she once coined to describe partisan criticism.
"Moderate Left" is code for "taking hormone injections".
All our work has been for naught!
Amanda Marcotte is actually a virgin.
After years of pretending to be a loose conglomeration of harmless conservatives lo these many years, we have once again been outed! We can no longer carry out our nefarious plots unseen by those cursed meddling Kos Kidz.
Poop on Hinderaker's porch.
Our only recourse is to go even further underground so that we may better execute Plan 37-A, leading to the destruction of Hillary!, and a thousand years of peace.
Infiltrate a Hillary stump speech. Fart and then blame it on her.
I have encoded your orders along with some important information and embedded them somewhere on this ThunderJournal. All faithful conspirators should know how to find it (right, Doug?).
"Fecke" is Hungarian for "pompous and gassy know-nothing".
(Oh no! I Leaked a name! Sorry Doug. Now we'll have to kill you.)
American Idol sucks.
Remember people: find the secret message, and ACT!
End communication.

The Magical Traffic-Enhancing Properties of Ryan's Ass

Back in September, I posted a link to a picture of Ryan Rhodes' butt.

Now, 6 months later...

ASS-O-LANCHE!!!




KAR's daily traffic has doubled, owing almost exclusively to referrals like this...

...From all around the world.


I am copyrighting the term "Ass-o-lanche," by the way.

Monday, March 12, 2007

God should be a Vegas headliner

That God, he’s one funny guy:

A North Pole expedition meant to bring attention to global warming was called off after one of the explorers got frostbite.

The explorers, Ann Bancroft and Liv Arnesen, on Saturday called off what was intended to be a 530-mile trek across the Arctic Ocean after Arnesen suffered frostbite in three of her toes, and extreme cold temperatures drained the batteries in some of their electronic equipment.

‘nuff said.

Moron Mail

That sound you hear is Dementee's head exploding:

David Brooks hit the mark in his "Critique of pure reason in education" (Opinion Exchange, March 3), as he clearly explained that educational reform must address children's lives both inside and outside of school.

I should mention here, that David Brooks is the New York Times' "conservative" columnist...

DEMENTEE INTERRUPT: UH OH!!!! THIS NOT LOOKING TOO GOOD!!!!!

Our educational system has control over only one-third of a child's time beginning at age 5.

DEMENTEE INTERRUPT: ME NOT LIKE WHERE THIS GOING!!!!!!!

Before that age, and during the other 16 hours, or two-thirds of the day when the child is not in school, our society is doing increasingly less to support families and the development of emotionally and intellectually healthy children.

DEMENTEE INTERRUPT: YOU MEAN TO TELL DEMENTEE THAT YOU LAMENT THAT STATE NOT HAVE AS BIG OF ROLL IN RAISING CHILDREN AS THE STATE???????!!!!!

COME TO DEMENTEE LITTLE MOONBAT!!!!!!

LEARNEDFOOT ADDS: Now that she mentions it, I am getting a little tired of wiping Moonchild's butt every time he poops. Perhaps "society" can potty train him for me. Or at least change his diapers...

The expectation of " accountability" must reach beyond schools to encompass all who contribute to their growth -- parents, policymakers and business.

DEMENTEE FUMES: OH SWEET HOLY CRAP!!!!!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE AND INTO MY BELLY!!!!! GET!!!! IN!!!! MY!!!!! BELLY, LITTLE MOONBAT!!!!!!

Who is holding them accountable for how our most precious resource is being shortchanged, manipulated or ignored?

DEMENTEE RAGES: ME WANT TO KILL -

LEARNEDFOOT INTERRUPTS: Easy there bigfella. I'll handle this.

Let's start with the "short-changed" and "manipulated" part. Who, praytell is doing the "shortchanging and manipulating"? Because I'm starting to see these offensive commercials airing again from Education Minnesota (The Minnesota teachers' union) telling me in no uncertain terms that if I do not allow them to take more of my money so that they can pay themselves for keeping MY children more of the time (as this drooling fascist isn't shy about advocating) they will be relegated to mediocrity. Which, according to these commercials, means that they will grow up to look like dorky, fat, balding, bespectacled white men.

Who's being manipulative? THEY'RE MY KIDS YOU NANNY STATIST! YOU DON'T FEED THEM, YOU DON'T SHELTER THEM, AND YOU SURE AS SHIT DIDN'T GIVE BIRTH TO THEM! SO WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE ENTITLED TO MORE OF MY MONEY TO DO MY FRICKIN' JOB??????

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!

ME GONNA EEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAATTTTTT -

*snork*

Excuse me. I think I found the place from which D gets his rage.

Where was I? Oh yes, this bit:

Who is holding them accountable...

That is a real scary line, since if you scroll up a little ways, you'll note that one of the groups of people that pronoun "them" refers to is "parents."

You want to hold me accountable for how I raise my children?

By whose standard? Yours?

Can I expect the Education Gestapo to bang down my door in the middle of the night if I fail to adequately teach my children the Holy Value of Tolerance?

Just teach my kids how to do long division and get the fuck outta my life.

DEMENTEE SWOONS: DEMENTEE WISH HE SAY THAT!!!!!!!

Brooks' column is not about "family values" or a conservative agenda. His focus is on where we, and the candidates for office, must begin the conversation of how to support the lives of children. It is the "two-thirds" agenda -

If you recall the beginning of the letter, the "two-thirds" is referring to the time of the day when our children aren't being subjected to the unquenchable maw of the nanny state; that unacceptably lengthy period when parents are left unsupervised to inflict the damage on their children that must later be undone by the bureaucrats who know what's best for society.

...that must now become a priority if we truly want to save our next generation, and indeed, our future.

Unless the rising sea levels drown them first...

KYLA L. BONERSTROM, MINNEAPOLIS;

DEMENTEE ADD: COME TO DEMENTEE!!!!!!!!

DIRECTOR, CENTER FOR APPLIED RESEARCH

DEMENTEE ADD: ME WANT TO APPLY YOU TO DEMENTEE'S GULLET!!!!!

AND EDUCATIONAL IMPROVEMENT, UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA

DEMENTEE ADD: IMPROVE THIS, YOU NAZI!!!!!!

Your Moment of Zen (Or: Oh, That Vaunted Liberal Tolerance!)

Meanwhile, in Winnipeg...

Scientists who questioned mankind's impact on climate change have received death threats and claim to have been shunned by the scientific community.

They say the debate on global warming has been "hijacked" by a powerful alliance of politicians, scientists and environmentalists who have stifled all questioning about the true environmental impact of carbon dioxide emissions.

Timothy Ball, a former climatology professor at the University of Winnipeg in Canada, has received five deaths threats by email since raising concerns about the degree to which man was affecting climate change.

One of the emails warned that, if he continued to speak out, he would not live to see further global warming
.

You'd think that people who consider anthropogenic global warming cooling KILLER STORMS!!!! climate change an area of study that's "well settled" of which the "debate is over" wouldn't need to resort to threats.

Friday, March 09, 2007

(Re)inviting the Slander

The resolution (pending appeal?) of the Blois v. MDE suit provides a teachable moment for the overly-litigious.

Defamation suits are a double-edged sword - if you win, great. But if you lose...

Well, you more than lose.

Look at it from Blois' perspective. He claimed that something MDE posted was defamatory to him and his business. When the suit was first filed, the story hit the papers, and the accounts, out of necessity, included the allegedly defamatory statement. Thus MDE's statement was spread to a much wider audience. That's really not such a big deal, since litigation was pending and it was still left to determine whether or not the statement was defamatory. All those stories included that fact too.

Flash forward to present day. The case is resolved in the defendant's favor. As before, the media report that story...

A judge threw out a libel suit this week against one of Minnesota's most popular conservative bloggers, issuing a ruling that put the political Web site on the same legal ground as newspapers and broadcast news outlets.

Michael Brodkorb, a political operative behind minnesotademocratsexposed.com, expressed relief at the dismissal.

***

St. Paul-based public relations executive Blois Olson sued Brodkorb in January 2006. The suit centered on a Brodkorb blog posting suggesting Olson criticized a Democratic congressional contender because her campaign had rebuffed political services offered by one of Olson's associates
.

...which repeats the same allegedly defamatory statement, only this time colored with the court's imprimatur of "NOT DEFAMATORY".

A statement that would have gone largely unnoticed by most, and forgotten within a week by all, is not only dragged back out into the public eye several months after it should have died an obscure death, but now the statement takes on an air of legitimacy.

So tell me now: who hurt Blois and his business more - MDE or Blois himself?

And let's not forget about all those legal fees...

***WARNING***

I just ate a salad with lunch.

Details to follow when they develop.

Blois Blows It

Three things:

1) Blois Olson's defamation suit against MDE has been thrown out on summary judgment.

2) That's why Flash Feckface, MNPooplius, MNMonitor et al haven't posted anything yet today.

3) Never go to a blog run by a labor radical from Iowa for insightful legal analysis. Or any legal analysis for that matter.

That is all.

UPDATE: It's 1:30 and we have yet to see any reaction from Flash Feckface, MnPooplius, MinnMoney and all the other poo flinging monkeys that get their undies in a bunch in real time every time Brodkorb so much as farts.

UPDATE 2: Mitch also notes the astounding silence of the lefties, and takes up the seriously flawed legal analysis mentioned in #3 above. While he gets it pretty much right about one aspect, his post merely scratches the surface of the dishonesty present in the deeply misleading spin job. I may have more about this tomorrow - today is Chemo Day - yay!

Thursday, March 08, 2007

The Greatest YouTube Vid You Will See Today

Make sure you watch it all the way until the end. Especially if you plan on going out tonight:

Stone vs. Iron

Yeah, I've still got nothing. But I do have an ipod (Now with 90% more tunes!).

While loading up my ipod with yummy aural goodness last night, I noticed that the content was a little heavy on Iron Maiden and Stone Temple Pilots. I know: shocking. I thought to myself, "You know, I could really use this to waste some bandwidth." So I devised a simple game that utilizes the best of the "Random 10" meme and my narrow musical taste:

STONE vs. IRON

The rules are simple: I shuffle the songs in my ipod and see how many times an STP or Iron Maiden song pops up in the first 10 played.

Simple? You bet!

Waste of time? Certainly!

Fun? Eh.

Let's see how this shakes out:

1. Prisoner - Iron Maiden

(The Irons are first out of the gate!)

2. Press Play - STP

(This hardly qualifies as a song, but rules is rules. We're tied at 1.)

3. Crackerman - STP

(This one really qualifies as a song. STP takes the lead, 2 to 1.)

4. Synchronicity 1 - The Police

(How'd that get in there? Score remains 2-1, STP)

5. Learn to Fly - Foo Fighters

(Sweet song. But again, no points.)

4. The Trooper - Iron Maiden

(YESSSSS!!!! "On this battlefield no one wins..." Well, we'll see. We're tied at 2.)

3. Naked Sunday - STP

(STP's now up 3-2. Can they clinch it with the next song?)

2. Hallowed Be Thy Name - Iron Maiden

(Denied! Tied at 3.)

1. Come Back - Foo Fighters

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a tie! We go to sudden death overtime!

OT1. Aurora - Foo Fighters

The pod seems to have a thing for Nothing Left to Lose, apparently.

OT2. The Prophecy - Iron Maiden

The Irons pull it out of the fire!!!!!

Once again, the final score: Iron Maiden 4, Stone Temple Pilots 3 in double overtime. Until next time, this LearnedFoot saying "So long" and "Tune in next time"!

Goodness Gracious

"Hey man, I've got an
Idea: Let's get drunk and
Set my balls on fire!"

Say...Doesn't NPR Host Debates?

Pussy.

(I can use that word, right?)

Goodbye Hendoo

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


The Green Bay Packers today released fullback William Henderson, one of the few remaining players on the Super Bowl XXXI and XXXII teams.

***

Henderson, a 6-foot-1, 252-pound veteran out of North Carolina, played in 188 Packers games, more than all but three players in team history (Brett Favre, Bart Starr and Ray Nitschke).

In 12 seasons, he caught 320 passes for 2,409 yards (7.5 avg.) and 14 touchdowns, and rushed for 426 yards on 112 carries (3.5 avg.) with five scores
.

Originally selected by the Packers in the third round of the 1995 NFL Draft, Henderson also played in 16 Green Bay playoff games.

Quarterback Brett Favre is the only player left from the Packers' two Super Bowl teams from the '90s.


A banner in the Packers Hall of Fame rent down the middle, and a voice from the general manager's office said, "It is done."

A Haiku for Hendoo

Hendoo walks away.
Noted Marquette Alumnus
Denbo weeps gently.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

SpongeBob Squarepants Can Teach Us a Lot About Iron Maiden

Sweet:



More here.

Via: Nicko McDave Murphy

Freak or Discharge

Is Rosie O’Donnell a freak or a lying sack of rectal discharge?

I believe she is both and this is the only proof I need:

Rosie O'Donnell says she began being treated for depression after the Columbine school shootings and hangs upside down for up to a half-hour a day to improve her mental state.

When gunmen killed 13 people at
Columbine High School in Colorado in O'Donnell said she felt as if it had happened to her children.

"I couldn't stop crying," she said on an episode taped for ABC's "The View" and due to air Friday. "I stayed in my room. The lights were off. I couldn't get out of bed and that's when I started taking medication."

Empathetic bullshit.

This bitch needs to be taken out and beaten with a switch. I fully believe she suffers from depression, but I have no doubt in my mind that she is lying through here teeth when she tells the world it is due to Columbine.

If, and it’s a big “if”, she can prove her assertion I would say her depression is the sign of an incredibly weak human being who seeks to be victimize in some warped search for relevance.

(OK, I’m spent)

Read below for someone who has a reason for being depressed:

Friday's episode of "The View" is devoted to women and depression. Actress Linda Dano, who was diagnosed with clinical depression after her husband and mother died within 10 days of each other two years ago, is a guest.

God bless Linda Dano.

As for Rosie: Rectal discharge is the only conclusion.

MEMO TO JOHN KLINE: Have the Damn "Town Hall" Meeting They Want. Film It. Put It on YouTube.

If you've been paying attention at all, you know that I've been keeping up with some sanctimonious moonbats' efforts to pester my Congressman, John Kline, into becoming their own personal Wellstone.

In that regard, a rare nonmoron Letter to the Strib makes the cut here at our virtual treehouse today. Oh, not for any brilliant insight or clever twist of phrase; but rather for passing on something he observed:

There has been a back-and-forth recently about the protests organized by national liberal groups (the Occupation Project) to stage sit-ins at congressional offices until elected representatives promise to vote to de-fund the troops.

Because there has been so much disagreement, I decided to check out the protests for myself. I went to Congressman John Kline's Burnsville office on Feb. 13 and Feb. 20 for the second and third weeks of what was billed as an eight-week program. What I witnessed was far different than the gross mischaracterizations presented in numerous letters to the editor
.

***

On Feb. 13, Kline's most senior staffer met with the group, listened to their concerns and answered questions for nearly two hours. It was a meaningful dialogue, but throughout the meeting one thing was clear -- the protesters have a very narrow world view. There were a lot of strange and odd views represented in the room. For example, a hypothetical question was asked about what the U.S. response should be if Iran followed through on a stated promise by its president to unleash a nuclear holocaust on Israel. Sadly, one of the anti-war protesters said: "If Iran would drop a nuclear bomb on Israel, I would ask myself if Israel had it coming, and I would say they did."

***

DALE BEIHOFFER


LAKEVILLE


In case you missed it, let's recap:

If Iran would drop a nuclear bomb on Israel, I would ask myself if Israel had it coming, and I would say they did.

The KAR drama club has produced an uncannily accurate recreation of that statement, starring a familiar face (here).

Wow.

So, it's OK if Iran were to indiscriminately incinerate tens of thousands of Jews, tourists and - yes - Arabs - because they...

"had it coming"?

But Iraq somehow had nothing coming?

Israel deserves to get nuked. This from a "peace" activist.

(Sorry for the terse prose - I had always thought that these people only existed in Dementee's imagination. I'm groping for words here.)

Allow me to collect my thoughts...

...

OK, that didn't work. I'll just write the first thing that enters my freshly-blown mind:

Poop fart!

Er...

Alright, I've got something now. Ready...go:

These are the same people who claim that they have a "right to be heard," and that they possess a "valid" point of view. They want a public "debate" about the war. They want to be taken seriously.

I say do it. Hold that town hall meeting they keep demanding. Get these freaks to talk - on tape (and it wouldn't be hard since they do tend to love the sound of their own voices). Just let them yammer on and on. And then, make sure everyone gets a chance to see them for the vacant narcissistic eliminationists they are.