Thursday, May 31, 2007

Obligatory Pregame Taunting

Daaarrrrr-ellllllll...Daaarrrrrrr-eeeelllll

Keeeeeeee-viiiiieeeeeee....Keeeeeeeeeee-vvviiiiiiiiieeeeeee

Keeeeeeee-viiiiieeeeeee....Keeeeeeeeeee-vvviiiiiiiiieeeeeee

Keeeeeeee-viiiiieeeeeee....Keeeeeeeeeee-vvviiiiiiiiieeeeeee

Showtime

One of the greatest rivalries in Beer League Softball gets renewed tonight as yours truly takes on Team Kevie "What I Lack In Talent, I Make Up For In Batting Gloves" Ecker.

Last year our teams split the series. In the first game, we skunked Kevie's team by the 5th. Team Kevie came back to fluke their way past the mighty Foots when our bats fell silent for a critical stretch of the season.

I'm coming off a 4 for 4 outing with 2 doubles, and am starting to crush the ball. This has corrected an early season slump. Can Kevie hold off the offensive juggernaut that is me?

I'll let you answer that question:


How many total bases will LearnedFoot log against Kevie's "pitching"?
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
The likelihood of the game ending early pursuant to the mercy rule makes this too tough to call.
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Programming Note

I had planned on doing another post on the Know-Nothing-o-Sphere's reaction to the Ledbetter case (ably parodied here) in this space, but I have decided to wait until the definitive summary of said reaction (i.e. a smug Strib editorial), is printed.

Moron Mail

Love to see the peeps taking up my slack:

WAR-FUNDING VOTES

Where was Norm?

Four good excuses for Sen. Norm Coleman missing the Senate vote on the $120 billion war-spending bill:

• He's seeking to relinquish his image as Bush's lap dog.

• He's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

• He was tied up in a PAC fund-raising meeting.

• There is no good excuse.


CHRIS JONES, CHANHASSEN



Why, I forgot to spoof his name. How could I be so careless?

While I sort out just exactly why I failed to spoof the name of Chris Jones from Chanhassen - and thereby putting KAR at risk of being afflicted by yet another deranged, self-righteous and obsessive vanity googler - I'll let someone else tear Chris Jones from Chanhassen a new sphincter:

In regard to "War funding votes: Where was Norm?" [by Chanhassen's Chris Jones -ed.]: Just for the record I was quite offended by the nasty comments in a May 26 letter [from Chanhassen's own Chris Jones -ed.] questioning my brother's priorities because he was not present for a vote.

Our family was gathered at the Mayo Clinic facing a serious situation with our Dad. The letter [written by Chris Jones from Chanhassen -ed.] commented that there were no good excuses -- I want the writer [Chris Jones -ed.] to know that my brother's presence was a comfort to all and I am sure that Minnesotans [other than Chris Jones of Chanhassen -ed.] understand the importance of being with family during difficult times.


KANDACE COLEMAN GITTLEMAN, MORGANVILLE, N.J.


Don't. Fuck. With. A. Jersey. Girl.

Right, Chris Jones?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I'm Gonna Fluff You Up

I always wondered how the A&E Network could broadcast reruns of The Sopranos.

Now I know:

A Bar Exam for Shitheads

The following fact pattern applies to questions 1 - 4

Pauline and Dave live in the State of Abel. One day in 2001, Dave was hunting ducks on his property while Pauline, who lived on the lot adjacent to Dave's, was sunning herself on hers. Dave shot a duck over his own property, but the momentum from the bullet and the duck's own flight carried it over Pauline's property where it struck her head and knocked her unconscious. When she came to, she saw Dave standing at the lot line, shaking his fist and demanding "Give me back my bird, bitch!"

Pauline suffered several ill effects from the incident over the next few years. She suffered from chronic neck and head pain, and whenever a duck flew overhead, she experienced crippling panic attacks.

The State of Abel Civil Code provides:

SECTION 69. Any person harmed by the reckless reenactment of a law school tort hypothetical by another person may bring an action in State Court to recover compensatory and punitive damages and all costs and fees incurred prosecuting the action.

In 2007, Pauline sued Dave under this statute. The jury returned a verdict in her favor in the amount of $27,780,500.17. Dave appealed.

1) How should the appellate court rule?

A) Affirm the judgment, as Pauline proved all the elements of the tort, and jury verdicts are given much deference.

B) Affirm the judgment because Pauline is a sympathetic victim.

C) Reverse the judgment and remand to the lower court to determine whether or not duck is a protected species.

D) Reverse the judgment because Pauline is a "bitch".


Same facts as above, except assume that the State of Abel has a limitations provision that provides:

SECTION 96. All actions pursuant to Section 69 shall be brought no later than 5 years after the tortious act giving rise to the action. Any action filed later than the limitations period is barred absolutely and the issue may be raised by the defendant or the court at any time in the proceeding or during subsequent appeals.

2) How should the Court of Appeals rule?

A) Reverse the lower court and dismiss the action as time-barred.

B) Affirm, because appellate court judges can't read.

C) Affirm, because otherwise the patriarchy will succeed in its oppression once again!

D) Affirm, because hunters are redneck hicks.


Same facts as above, but assume that the appellate court throws out the action pursuant to the statute of limitations. Pauline appeals that decision to the Supreme Court arguing that her suit is not time-barred because every panic attack she experiences constitutes another "tortious act" by the defendant, and therefore the limitations period starts anew each time. Since she's had a panic attack within the last five years, her suit is valid and the jury verdict should be restored.

3) How should the Supreme Court rule?

A) Pat the plaintiff's attorney on the head while saying "nice try," explain that Pauline's panic attacks are not a "tortious act" by the defendant, and politely but firmly affirm the Court of Appeals.

B) Reverse, because 5 of the Justices on the court didn't attend law school the day the torts professor taught the difference between a "tortious act" and "damages."

C) Reverse, because the legislature has no business promulgating limitations provisions, so the court should just ignore them.

D) Reverse. It's the patriarchy people!!!!


4) Suppose the Supreme Court affirms the decision to toss the case. Suppose further that you are a blogger. Why are you outraged by the Supreme Court's decision?

A) I have a friend who's an attorney, therefore a fortiori, I know what I'm talking about. My outrage is enough. I don't have to explain it to you plebes.

B) The Separation of Powers is a dead doctrine. The courts should be allowed to do whatever they want regardless of what the legislature says the law is. I for one welcome our new robed overlords and pledge my loyalty should they ever need a lightly paid dickless propagandist.

C) I believe that my focusing my overwrought outrage over a slam dunk decision on statutory interpretation toward the irrelevant aspect of the decision (i.e the victim was a glorious womyn) will bolster my feminist cred and help me get dates.

D) It's bound to work eventually.

E) *sigh* I'm such a loser.

F) A, B, C, and E only.



ANSWERS: 1) A; 2) A; 3) A; 4) F

Anyone scoring lower than 75% should immediately cease blogging on things about which they haven't a clue.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Dirtball makes me late

On Saturday at 5:30 I packed the family in the car and headed to Maplewood for a small gathering of old friends, their spouses and 15 kids. Heading east on 694, approaching the river bridge, I was stunned as break lights were appearing across all lanes of traffic. I immediately noticed I would have to get off this freeway and head a different direction.

I couldn’t see what was causing the stoppage, but figured it had to be a rather serious accident as I saw stopped cars backing up to get to the 252 North exit they had just passed. I resigned myself that we were going to be late. I hate being late.

Imagine my surprise when I saw the news and found out the cause of the shutdown of both directions of Highway 694 wasn’t an accident. Nope. The cause was a murdering, kidnapping dirtball who was threatening to throw him and his 2 year old daughter off the bridge and into the river.

While I applaud the Brooklyn Center cops for talking the subhuman piece of shit into turning over the baby, I wish one of them would have had the presence of mind to accidentally “bump” him and thereby save the taxpayers the cost of the trial and subsequent incarceration.

The world doesn’t need this pig around, even if he is locked up.

Moron Mail

Sisyphus?

Everything we thought we knew was wrong, Sis.

[Shaking head sadly.]

Everything. We. Knew. Was. Wrong:

One would hope that the son of one of the Iranian hostages, writer of the May 22 Letter of the Day, might have a little clearer view of former President Jimmy Carter. He mentions the Panama Canal, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan and the Iran Embassy hostage crisis as examples of that administration's failures.

***WARNING - HACKNEYED AFFECTATION IMMINENT***

Hmmm, let's see now. As far as I am aware, the biggest issue currently facing the canal operators is how to design and finance their enlargement. Fortunately, Panama will have the opportunity to chase those funds on the world's banking markets, rather than relying on the American taxpayers to carry the bill. So I guess the "We built it, we own it" crowd had that one completely wrong.

Next, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan is routinely referred to as that former nation's "Vietnam." Nearly every historian I've ever read cites the colossal folly and expense of that adventure as one of the primary reasons for the Soviet Union's weakening and ultimate implosion. Would the letter writer have preferred that President Carter declared war and tried to fight the Russian army on its very border? Perhaps Carter "watched as the Soviets invaded," because he knew that some problems can't be solved by ordering paper armies to march across maps.

Finally, and the writer should appreciate this, all 66 original hostages were returned home, safe and alive, following their ordeal. Yes, it was a miserable situation for the entire country. But in the end, the hostages and their families were reunited and were able to continue on with their lives. This is a luxury that will not be available to the thousands of lost and ruined lives as a result of the current president's reckless use of force.


CHRIS BONERSMITH, MINNETONKA


And let's not forget Carter's genius energy conservation programs. Like the price controls on gasoline? Inspired! As I recall, hardly anyone could buy gas!

And let's not forget how Carter, at least temporarily, beat back America's notorious culture of greed. With runaway inflation, and bargain mortgage rates starting at 15%, nobody could afford to buy stuff.

And then there was the aforementioned masterful handling of the Shah's ouster in Iran. We haven't had any problems from that part of the world since!

Right?

I feel like such a tool! I must make amends for my wrongheaded judgement on the best president since Lincoln - nay - Washington. I shall make a glorious new header to honor the heroic man that not only made America the greatest place on earth, but also faced down a psychotic rabbit and lived to tell the tale.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Grilling With Dementee!

HI HO EVERYBODY!!!! DEMENTEE HERE!!!!! IT MEMORIAL DAY!!!!! AND YOU KNOW THAT MEMORIAL DAY MEAN TWO THINGS: FAT LOSER LEFTYBLOGGERS (IS THERE ANY OTHER KIND?!!) WHO COULDN'T SEE OWN PENIS IF THEY HAD ONE BLOGGING ABOUT THE SACRIFICES MADE BY SOLDIERS IN IRAQ BEING A WASTE (ME BET THEY SHAKING HEADS SADLY WHILE DOING SO), AND GRILLING MEAT!!!!

ME WAS OVER AT FOOT'S PLACE LAST NIGHT, AND HE GRILL FOR DEMENTEE THE BEST BURGER ME EVER HAD!!!!!! ME TWEAK THE RECIPE A BIT, AND NOW ME WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU!!!!!!!

LearnedFoot's Superdecadent Moonbat Conflagration Burger


WHAT YOU NEED:

2 lbs GROUND MOONBAT - 75/25 FAT CONTENT*
KOSHER OR SEA SALT!!!!!
PEPPER!!!!!!
BUTTER!!!!!!
ONION POWDER!!!!!!!
HAMBURGER BUNS!!!!!!!!
PROCESSED AMERICAN CHEESE!!!!!
TOMATO!!!!!
BIBB LETTUCE!!!!!!!!

DIRECTIONS:

DIVIDE GROUND MOONBAT INTO 1/3-POUND CLUMPS!!!!!! RINSE HAND WITH COLD WATER!!!!!! ROLL EACH GROUND MOONBAT CLUMP INTO BALL, THEN SQUOOSH IT DOWN INTO PATTY, ROTATING HANDS AND WORKING FROM INSIDE TO OUT!!!!!!!

WHEN PATTY ALMOST TO DESIRED FLATNESS (ABOUT 1/2 to 3/4 INCH), CREATE LITTLE 1 INCH BY 1 INCH POCKET IN MIDDLE OF PATTY, CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE HOLE IN PATTY!!!!!!! PLACE 1 PAT OF BUTTER IN POCKET AND THEN COVER IT COMPLETELY WITH BEEF YOU JUST MOVED ASIDE TO MAKE IT!!!!!!!!! SALT, PEPPER AND ONION POWDER BOTH SIDES TO TASTE!!!!!!

HINT: IF YOU A PIE-DECORATING NANCY WHO LIKE MAKING FLAVORED BUTTERS, THIS IS EXCELLENT TIME TO USE IT!!!!! GARLIC-OREGANO WORKS ESPECIALLY NICE FOR THIS RECIPE!!!!!

PREHEAT GRILL TO MEDIUM!!!!! BRUSH RACK!!!!!! PUT PATTIES ON RACK!!!!!!!

HAVE ATOMIZER BOTTLE OR GRILL COVER READY, AS ALL THE FAT AND BUTTER MAKE FLAREUPS SO BIG THAT IF YOU DON'T COVER GRILL, YOU HAVE MUSHROOM CLOUD OVER YARD!!!!!! THEN COPS AND HOMELAND SECURITY WILL COME AND ARREST YOU ON TERRORISM CHARGES, WHILE YOUR GUESTS GET TO STAY BEHIND AND DRINK ALL YOUR BEER!!!!!!! THAT WOULD SUCK!!!!!

WHERE WAS DEMENTEE??!!!
OH YEAH - BURGERS!!!

ANYHOO - 5 to 6 MINUTES PER SIDE FOR MEDIUM RARE BURGER (DEPENDING ON THICKNESS)!!!! ADD CHEESE DURING LAST MINUTE OF COOKING IF DESIRED!!!!! DO NOT BE AFRAID OF OVERCOOKING!!!!!! THE HIGH FAT CONTENT OF MEAT AND THE YUMMY YUMMY BUTTER MAKE THIS BURGER A TOOTHSOME TREAT EVEN AT MEDIUM-WELL!!!!!!!!!!!

BRUSH BEACH SIDE OF BUNS WITH MELTED BUTTER AND TOAST ON GRATE FOR ABOUT 1 AND A HALF MINUTE!!!!!! SERVE WITH FIXIN'S!!!!!!

DEMENTE HATE WORD "FIXIN'S"!!!!!! MAKE ME ANGRY!!!!!! MAKE ME WANT TO EAT...

ANOTHER MOONBAT BURGER!!!!!!


* FOOT'S RECIPE ACTUALLY CALL FOR 2 LBS. OF 75/25 GROUND SIRLOIN OF BEEF!!!! ME LIKE MOONBAT BETTER SO ME CHANGE!!!!!!!!


.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Bobo Reads Charge of the Light Brigade

Well, no. Actually, Bobo does a dramatic reading of Iron Maiden's take on The Charge of the Light Brigade, "The Trooper."

Strike that. Bobo does a dramatic reading of the first couple of verses of "The Trooper".


Here:


Ode on a Well-Formed Turd

I came here, newspaper in hand, for my morning poo;
When I looked down at the toilet, there I found you.
There you recline in the bowl; a nest of cozy porcelain
A crescent of waste matter, like a banana left in the sun.

Normally, public johns are a dreary place to visit,
But then I saw you, your shape so exquisite!
Long and supply curved, with ends tapered like a horn
A surface remarkably smooth, punctuated with pieces of corn.

Form disconnected from the smell I can never get used to;
My two eyes can't comprehend the one eye that loos'd you!

No man could fathom that an odour from the bowels of hell
Could be spawn'd from the bowels of men as well!
Take heart, foul object! Through ages you shall live on in renown,
For whate'er the reason, your creator failed to flush you down.

Bobo Reads a Poem

Well, actually, it's an Iron Maiden lyric. Big diff.

Another Terrorist Captured

Memorial Day congratulations
To our fighting men.
They finally have captured
The worst terrorist that's ever Bin

The Sad Hummingbird of an Old Gag

Forsooth! Mark the call from T-Paw's lair!
Mark it well, ponder it, know it.
For again this day a government official does declare:
"What we really need is an official poet!"

Thus do KARnies scramble
To rejigger their outfit to it's new mission.
New header! New poems! We must take a gamble!
Look at KAR now as a State Poet audition!

So bear with us dear reader, please try not to fret
This may make our ThunderJournal better (but more likely worse),
When you pay nothing for something, you get what you get:
Our posts 'til further notice shall be only in verse.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Thursday Poop Haikus

Judge rules that poop is
Not a toxic substance as
A matter of law.

KAR exaults.
But precedent's thin - Assman
Not party in case.

LearnedFoot Loves It When a Plan Comes Together

{Mr. Burns}Excellent!{/Mr. Burns}

Well, look at that boys and girls: some wonderful person at City Pages has recognized Foot's efforts to win next year's Best Local Right-Wing Blog award! In fact, because of Foot's tireless effort churning out impenetrable comic strips, KAR has been pronounced the frontrunner. Bully for LearnedFoot!

But Foot, why are you referring to yourself in the third person and otherwise writing like a condescending asshole?

Ah, an excellent question, paduan! Learned Foot is employing that particular style because being Best Local right-Wing blog is not enough for LearnedFoot. Oh nosireebob! Foot also hopes City Pages will name KAR to be Best Local Left-Wing Blog too, so Foot has adapted his style to the successful formula for that award. To that end, LearnedFoot is no longer an erstwhile suburban attorney. Now, think of LearnedFoot as an anthropomorphic brick of Vermont Cheddar.

And Foot will not rest until he garners all the meaningless annual accolades he has coming, boys and girls. Foot's also going after Best Night Club, Best Hangover Breakfast and Best Sex Toy Shop.

Foot wants it all, baby!

And for those of you surfing over from CP looking for pointless comics, Foot offers all you boys and girls a very special episode of Fleen:

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

KAR EXCLUSIVE!!!!! Price Gouging At Minnesota Resorts!!!!!!!!

The Kool Aid Report Crack Consumer Affairs Investigative Journalism Unit (KARCrack), has discovered that a popular northern Minnesota resort is gouging its patrons. Through backdoor channels, KARCrack has obtained the Top Secret rate schedule for rooms at the resort.

The shocking price list shows Madden's Resort on Gull Lake has engaged in a brazen pattern of jacking up room rates during the height of the summer vacation season. The "Summer Vacation Season" has traditionally been the time when vacationers are most likely to be in need of the resort's facilities. Among the findings:

During the Spring, "off-peak" season running through June 9th, rates for a Sunday through Wednesday stay in a "Deluxe" room costs $137 a night. However, that same stay in the same room over the "peak" Summer months costs $179 per night! That's a $42 difference for the same room!

Likewise, a Thursday through Saturday stay in one of Madden's "Premium" rooms during the off-peak season will run the vacationer $192 per night. That rate during the more desirable Summer months?

An astounding $269 per night - 77 dollars more! Over the three night stay that amounts to $210 more than the lucky Spring vacationer would pay.

KARCrack has also received unconfirmed reports that other resort destinations also practice a similar form of Rate Inflation during times when travelers are more likely to pay the higher rates. And the practice is not limited to Minnesota, but can be found nationwide. Indeed Big Resort is poised to rake in billions of dollars this year.

This news of vacation destination price gouging comes on the heels of similar revelations that gas prices tend to increase right before big-travel Holiday weekends.

Please stay with KAR as we follow this developing story.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Doin' It for the Boobies!

Ah, the wonders of the blogosphere. Only on the internet can you instantaneously get updated on current events in real time as they happen. Or at least shortly after they happen.

Unfortunately, as you well know, KAR is a ThunderJournal; meaning that you can be treated to all the snark and twice the poop jokes about current events, a week or more after their newsiness has lapsed.

Which brings me to the long anticipated post mortem on last Sunday's (no, not this past Sunday - the one before it) Race for the Cure 'stravaganza. About 50 people walked or ran in the event for our team which was ably managed by the Lovely and Fetching Mrs. Foot (one week off of her last chemo treatment - yay!). On the evening before the race, Mrs. Foot and I threw a reception for all team members and locals who donated through her team at Buca di Beppo in Burnsville.

DAY 1: Tonight we drink, for tomorrow we will have a coronary from all the garlic mashed potatoes!

Nothing brings a crowd together better than those four little words: "Free beer and wine":




There was much eating...





...and drinking...



....and even more drinking:




(BTW, that's my cousin Lizzie in the foreground. She would be horrified to learn that this particular picture was put on the internet for the entire world to see, which is the only reason I posted it.)


Moonchild drew the short spaghetto, and therefore had to sit next to Strom:




You can tell Moonchild's pretty geeked about it.



Mrs. Foot addressed the team. It was an emotional moment...




...so I was forced to give the almost-certain-to-be-inappropriate David Strom a preemptive bird:





(Note Andy's fuzzy head; no doubt turning chicks on even during my infelicities.)



And here, Mrs. Foot is showing everybody how big her new boobies will be:




This is our team sign. While I did come up with our team's name, you can tell I didn't make the sign, as it is possessed of a certain amount of artistic merit and aesthetic appeal that my meager talents could never execute:




The Girl is cute even after scrubbing her face with a pizza:




And here we see your photographer, Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo, showing that although he attended Marquette, he got a Notre Dame education:




DAY 2: The Loneliness of the Short Distance Walker

The best-looking RFTC team walking that day:


Mrs. Foot is dead center in the red sweatshirt. Second from left in the baseball cap is my brother - and team enforcer - Uncle Meatball ("The guns are back, baby!").

Moonchild giggling over all the "boobie" references:




And no Race for the Cure would be complete without bagpipes:




Of the 5 kilometers we walked, The Girl spent 4.5 of them on Uncle Meatball's shoulders:


IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: here's that picture of Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo hangin' spoons again:



There were a lot of people walking:



No, I mean a lot of people:





And finally, this shot at the finish line was taken moments before the light rail train mowed down about 300 unsuspecting walkers.


See how much fun that was? Well, if you crapped out this year, we'll be doing it again next year. Big thanks to those who walked or donated. And as for you other losers:



Expect a visit from Uncle Meatball next year.


Or worse, Strom.


Big thanks to Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo (file photo):



...for taking the pics, burning them to a CD and mailing them to me through the U.S. Post, thereby expediting the posting of this recap.

Tooning Up this ThunderJournal 4

Still hoping the City Pages is taking notice...

Monday, May 21, 2007

Memo to Brewers Fans: Stop Sucking

You people are really beginning to make me sick. For the first time in a decade and a half you've finally got a team that has a chance to make some noise, and you've all turned into a bunch of testicle-deficient weenies.

You know, if you look at the big sign in the Miller Park parking lot just off I-94, you'll note it says "Home of the Milwaukee Brewers." However, I am often confused while watching a game on TV (or hearing it on the radio) when the Crew plays the Cubs, Twins or Cardinals. Why do I always have to do a double-take every time Uke is forced to raise his voice to be heard over the crowd when Cubs first-baseman Derrick Lee jacks a dinger over Miller Park's right field wall. I have to reorient myself when I see half the crowd seated behind the plate standing up and cheering the other team's closer to throw the Deep Dark One on a 3-2 count with 2 out in the ninth?

It's because, I think, when they tore down County Stadium's left field bleachers your soul went with it. You all forgot how to be "fans".

Strib sportswriter Jim Souhan wrote about your complete and total failure as fans yesterday:

The Twins' annual visit to Miller Park is as charming a sporting event as there is involving a Twin Cities team -- a sneak preview (or review) of what outdoor baseball is like on a pleasant Midwestern evening, and a competition between two franchises fighting the same battle in the class warfare of Major League Baseball.

"In Chicago during interleague play, it's one team or the other," said Twins right fielder Michael Cuddyer. "That's not the way it is between these teams."

You know why that is? Because Chicago fans know how to make outsiders unwelcome. They do not brook dissent.

There's a reason why they call Wrigley Field the "Friendly Confines". It's because the stands there are filled with people actually rooting for the home-farging-team to win.

And do you know what those brie-eating Bud-light worshiping northside yuppies call Miller Park?

"Wrigley North".

More from Souhan:

Proximity is everything in a rivalry, and this has been a weekend around which Twin Cities baseball fans plan their springs. Even Carol Gardenhire, the manager's wife, drove over for the games.

"This is a nice place," Ron Gardenhire said. "This is a fun ballpark. A lot of Twins fans come over here. It kind of reminds you of Kansas City, because a lot of Twins fans come down there."


Oh fer cryin' out loud. You people had access to the wife of the opposing team's freaking manager, and she reports back that her sojourn to your park was a "nice place"????!!!!! No heckling. No "accidentally" spilled beers on her head. Not even an "I felt uncomfortable the entire time I was there."

You people make me sick.

Cubs and Twins fans attending a game at Miller Park (not to mention the opposing team's players) should never, ever look forward to next year's trip with fond memories of this year's. They should look upon it with dread, like they just returned from 'Nam or something. "It was a horrible place, with horrible people. I no longer fear hell, because I've already been there - a twisted and nightmarish beer-soaked hell! Mommy."

Back in the County Stadium days, several friends and I went to a game and sat in the storied left field bleachers. One of my friends - a guy whose judgment was not his strong suit - decided to wear his Chicago Bears jersey to the game. Needless to say, he was heckled mercilessly the entire game, and when we left, we were able to wring 3 or 4 full beers out of that jersey. During that same game the opposing team's left fielder - Luis Polonia - endured the unremitting chant "Jailbait...jaaaaailbait" the entire inning, every inning (context).

But now it's come to this. You folks are apparently so hospitable that interlopers are now planning family vacations to The Home of the Milwaukee Brewers. Great job, Milwaukee! I'm not sure if you've noticed the past three games, but the Brewers have a hard enough time not making the latest flavor-of-the-week-straight-up-from-Triple-A Twins starter look like Sandy Freaking Kofax. You think it helps them to be doing it at home in a hostile environment?

Sack up, Brewer Fan. Get off your collective ass, and buy up tickets for the 2008 "rivalry" games as soon as they become available. Until then, start being mean to out of towners.

There. I said it.

False logic, true stupidity

Pray hard that your children are never taught by Steven Harlan-Marks of Robbinsdale. All one need do is read his letter to the Star and Sickle to realize he is a raging moron:

I'll bet my ninth-grade English students will recognize this error in logic. Katherine Kersten says now that government has banned smoking, they'll ban eating steak or fast food ("Anti-smoking crusade hits chord in an age of choice," May 17).

Here’s the reference Kersten made to steak and fast food:
If government can prohibit smoking in all restaurants - and provide no smokers-only alternatives - why can't it ban fast food or big juicy steaks?

Stephen is concerned about Kersten’s logic, but I’m more concerned that this ninth grade English teacher is either a liar, or a myopic ideologue who can’t tell the difference between a question and an assertion. Perhaps Stephen received his diploma from one of those unaccredited online universities. No books, no tests, no classes.

Apparently, she has overlooked the fact that some at-risk behaviors affect others as well as those who practice them, while other behaviors do not.

Well, Mr. Logic, Trans fat affects no one other than the individual consuming it. Yet NYC still saw fit to ban it. So, how big a leap is it to assert that fast food and steak are next on the banning list of the Social Fascists?

I'd like to thank the Star Tribune for providing an excellent example of a logical fallacy; they're actually pretty tough for teachers to invent. The kids are preparing for next year's MCA II Reading Test and, Katherine, you're now part of the curriculum.

STEPHEN HARLAN-MARKS, ROBBINSDALE


When this “educator” uses Kersten’s column as an example of “logical fallacy”, he might want to add this one to the mix:

If Stephen Harlan-Marks is your English teacher, you will learn something.

I Would Have Included the "Angry Dancing in a Warehouse to No Music" Scene from Footloose...

...but this is still a pretty good compendium of the worst film scenes of all time:

Friday, May 18, 2007

Tooning Up This ThunderJournal 3

The following installment of the critiacally acclaimed Fleen comic strip is part of an ongoing effort by KAR to win the approval of urban hipsters though nonsensical cartoons. Today, we play to one of KAR's core audiences:

MilF Tips: TPC at Valleywood #7

NOTE: This is the seventh installment of a series created for KAR's Expanded MilF Hype Program. Poop fart poop. Each week, we boner will present a nipple rubbing breakdown of one hole on the MilF's home course: the majestic and hallowed penis TPC at Valleywood. Print them out booger and collect them poopy all to make a groovy boner "course book" just like the buttcheek pros use!



VALLEYWOOD #7
"Bill's Bayou"



The second and final par-3 of the front nine, Bill's Bayou presents the player with a short, but challenging, 184 yard (160 from the MilFs) odyssey starting on an elevated tee and culminating with one of the largest greens on the course. The green is surrounded by water on three sides, so your shot off the tee will be either "all carry" or "all wet." Even if you do reach the green safely, your task is long from over. With three tiers and a lot of green to deal with, if you don't put your first reasonably close to the stick, you'll be facing an impossible snake-like putt for birdie which you will overhit terribly and end up farther away than your original lie was, causing you to throw your putter into the nearby pond. Lucky for you the clubhouse is nearby so you can buy yourself a new one.


FOOT'S SECRET TIP: Don't play it safe here. Actually, there is no "safe" on this hole - either you're on the green or in trouble. Therefore there is absolutely no reason not to aim for the pin, even if its tucked in on the right side of the green.

Stat Update

For the thousands of you who regularly follow my softball stats on the side bar, I've begun keeping a new one. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I added a line to track my walk-off RBIs. (For the baseball illiterate, a "walk off" hit, is one which drives in the winning run and ends the game.) I assure you the timing of this decision is coincidental and has nothing to do with my fence-rattling rocket double to left-center that drove in the decisive run for my team last night.)

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Sure, You Can Break Up AT&T, But Why Can't Wisconsin Be Sued for Treble Damages?

So called "free-market conservatives" love to trash the federal antitrust regime claiming that it is an artificial governmental intrusion into private enterprise. These people are dumb.

No, it's not their fault. 99.99999999999999% of the population of this great nation haven't the first clue how the Sherman and Clayton Acts (hereafter referred to as the "Sherton Acts") work, and that number includes 100% of appellate-level and higher federal judges not named "Posner" or "Easterbrook." What we are forced to deal with is two nearly century old laws that the federal courts still have not figured out how to apply in any consistent way.

But that's OK. I mean, every other year you get a new "watershed" abortion case, but can you name the last big antitrust decision?

It was in the 2005 term and involved the automaker Volvo and a couple of its dealerships. I for one can't figure out how the Strib Editorial Board missed the chance to pillory the court for abandoning the per se rule on price discrimination.

Ha ha! A little antitrust irony humor there. Back to the point.

What the Sherton acts try to accomplish is to ensure markets operate as purely competetively as possible. While government can - and often does, as we will see - harm competition, free marketeers must also recognize that market participants can also harm competition (cartelization, price fixing, predatory pricing and bid rigging leap immediately to mind). So while the Sherton Acts are rightfully labeled as "consumer protection" laws - frequently uttered as a slander by the free-market conservatives - the mechanism it employs to protect consumers is to mandate, not hinder, competition on the merits. Competition leads to trends toward marginal-cost pricing within products and product markets. This increases quality and decreases price for the consumer, while simultaneously rewarding producers of good products and killing off the bad ones.

So to recap: antitrust law seeks to protect consumers by protecting competition, not competitors. Remember that. We'll be coming back to it.

And for the most part, it works. Unless, of course, your state legislature doesn't possess the faith in free markets that the drafters of the Sherton Acts did, nor indeed any good thinking conservative.

Which brings us to the sad story of Raj Bhandari:

A service station that offered discounted gas to senior citizens and people supporting youth sports has been ordered by the state to raise its prices.

Center City BP owner Raj Bhandari has been offering senior citizens a 2 cent per gallon price break and discount cards that let sports boosters pay 3 cents less per gallon.

But the state Department of Agriculture, Trade and Consumer Protection says those deals violate Wisconsin's Unfair Sales Act, which requires stations to sell gas for about 9.2 percent more than the wholesale price.

Bhandari said he received a letter from the state auditor last month saying the state would sue him if he did not raise his prices. The state could penalize him for each discounted gallon he sold, with the fine determined by a judge
.

Yeah, you read that correctly: Wisconsin imposes a price floor for gasoline.

I did some digging and discovered that the 9.2% markup figure was the legislature's definition of "at cost". Meaning that the import of the act is to prohibit below cost pricing, which is defined as 9.2% above cost.

Let me whittle it down to a basic equation so as to better let the white-hot stupidity shine through brightly. According to the Wisconsin legislature:

cost = cost + 9.2%(cost)

Well that's was easy. But it gets dumber. See, the whole point of the Wisconsin Unfair Sales Act (WUSA) is to prevent predatory pricing.

Quick definition - predatory pricing involves one company with vast resources pricing its product below marginal cost so as to drive its less well-funded competitors out of business, after which time it can use its resulting increased market power to more than recuperate the losses it incurred while using the below marginal cost price. Got that?

OK. The problem here is - and if you've paid any attention at all you can already see it coming:

PREDATORY PRICING IS ALREADY ILLEGAL UNDER THE SHERMAN ACT!!!

And I'm going to go out on a limb and take a wild guess that Wisconsin, like just about every other state, also has an anti-predatory-pricing provision of general application on the books.

So what makes gasoline so special? Dunno, but my guess is that this law was an artificial booger law - sure, we have the means to make it, and once we're done making it, we have something to show for it. But when all is said and done, it's still just a useless fake booger that needlessly grosses out serious people actually trying to contribute to the economy.

"But look - I was instrumental in the creation of the world's first artificial booger. Send me back to Madison for another term!"

The result is (and I asked you to remember this above) that WUSA, in trying to protect the consumer by protecting competition by protecting competitors, screws all three.

Now that's government efficiency!

Actually, back in 2003, the Federal Trade Commission said as much about WUSA, without the booger imagery (this is why KAR exists):

For these reasons, the FTC's Office of Policy Planning, Bureau of Competition, and Bureau of Economics believe that Wisconsin's Unfair Sales Act harms competition. The Act addresses a problem that is unlikely to occur. To the extent that anticompetitive below-cost pricing is a danger in the retail gasoline market, federal antitrust laws are sufficient to address the problem. Moreover, we believe that the Act most likely deters pro-competitive price-cutting and causes some vendors to raise their prices, to the detriment of Wisconsin's consumers.

Got that? WUSA implements all the harmful things government regulation can cause while at the same time leaving out those pesky benefits! Way to go Wisconsin! Read the whole thing. The report reads as if the good folks down at the FTC had themselves a good laugh over this law.

Warning

Today's post will deal with antitrust law and prosthetic boogers. Alert Baniaiaiaiaian and take appropriate precautionary measures.


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Well, That Didn't Take Long

KAR scientists have just calculated the precise extent of "difference" - as referred to in the old observation "what a differance a year makes" - to 100 decimal places:

January 2006:

Sounding a little like a preacher, a fired-up Sen. Hillary Clinton lambasted the Bush administration and the Republican-controlled Congress during a Martin Luther King Jr. Day event, predicting the presidency "will go down in history as one of the worst" and saying the House of Representatives is run like a "plantation" where dissenting voices are squelched.

"When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation, and you know what I'm talking about," Clinton, D-N.Y., told the crowd at the Canaan Baptist Church of Christ in Harlem. "It has been run in a way so that nobody with a contrary view has had a chance to present legislation, to make an argument, to be heard."

May 2007:

After losing a string of embarrassing votes on the House floor because of procedural maneuvering, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has decided to change the current House Rules to completely shut down the floor to the minority.

The Democratic Leadership is threatening to change the current House Rules regarding the Republican right to the Motion to Recommit or the test of germaneness on the motion to recommit. This would be the first change to the germaneness rule since 1822.

The KAR Komment Kode v. 2.0

Supersedes KAR Koment Kode A-3107 (All comments must contain the word "boner" and begin with "I will not be silent").

Due to editorial fiat, KAR will now be posting a comment policy.

KAR is first and foremost a poop-oriented ThunderJournal, and although we are please to have a large and dateless readership - many of whom are hosers who like to google "hockey sucks" and leave profane and illiterate comments - we understand that many Thread Boners are stimulating rather than inhibiting rational discourse.

In order to keep our Thread Boners entertaining and inaccessible to all, we demand under pain of death that the following guidelines be followed, unless it's convenient to disregard them:

1) Keep komments irrelevant. There are many different viewpoints represented by both our reporters and our audience. Different viewpoints are unwelcome, but personal insults are mandatory. The more vile and crass they are the better. We do award points for creativity.

2) Rule 1 does not apply to KARnies. As your Thread Boner hosts, you the average reader owe a duty of obsequiousness to us. Therefore, KARnies are not to be insulted by non-KARnies at any time. However, KARnies may insult other KARnies. Also, sports smack is exempt from this rule (this is otherwise known as the "Elder Exemption").

3) Keep discussions disrespectful. Jerry Falwell dies, and Jeff Fecke is now on his second day of masturbation because of it. There's nothing wrong with pointing this fact out repeatedly in as disgusting terms as you can muster.

4) No spamming comment threads. Spam will be defined as any comment left by some lonely hoser in Alberta who hates the fact that a Top 11 Reasons Hockey Sucks post exists anywhere on the internet.

5) Other provisions. The posting of an occasional fake Eva Young comment is mandatory for all KAR Kommenters.

KAR Komment thread Boners are meant for flinging smack, hurling derision and sucking up to your favorite KARnie. Anything that attempts to discuss public policy or insult Your Hosts will, without notice, be deleted or rewritten to make it appear that you have a proclivity for pleasuring yourself by shoving ferrets into your anus. We ask that you please adhere to these rules because you can't have a free flowing and robust conversation without rules (and without someone to arbitrarily enforce them)!

Open Thread for Freshly-Banned Minnesota Monitor Commenters

Yesterday, the totally nonpartisan news magazine Minnesota Monitor announced a new commenting policy that banned, inter alia, off-topic and uncivil comments. ("off-topic" and "uncivil" defined as those remarks submitted by anyone other than a true denizen of the fever swamp).

Since there are now 4 or 5 people out there with no outlet to compliment MinnMoni on its always fair and balanced coverage of current events, I offer this space for the dispossessed.

Comments will be subject to the new KAR Komment Kode, which I am currently compiling.

Dispossessed MinnMoni commenters only, please.

NOTE: Please read and follow the new KAR Komment Kode.

Correction

In yesterday's edition of this magazine ThunderJournal, we erroneously announced that it was Bill's birthday. Yesterday was in fact Mrs. Bill's birthday.

While this is not the first time Bill has been mistaken for his wife, KAR nonetheless regrets the error.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Moron Mail

Hey! Someone else reads the Blog House:

In the May 12 Blog House, a blogger wondered why he has to pay (i.e., be taxed) for light-rail transit even if he doesn't use transit.

Well, that blogger is probably an idiot to wonder, since he should know the answer. The Blog House tends to ignore or marginalize the top-tier ThunderJournalists (and bloggers).

Well, the people who currently use mass transit could wonder why they have to pay for the roads he uses -- and I, living in Alexandria, could wonder why I pay taxes for roads he uses in the Twin Cities?

Do you think that your wholly organic granola, your Alpaca coat and your patchouli just somehow materialized on the store shelf? Perhaps it was teleported there by some fantastic Star Trek device.

It didn't get there via light rail or bus.

The reason he has to pay for LRT, regardless of individual use, is because mass transit benefits all of us.

As someone who commutes from one suburb to another - neither of which are anywhere near - an LRT station I can safely say that it does not benefit me. Or my wife. Or any of my neighbors.

For each person mass transit takes off the roadways, traffic on the roads lessens (making the blogger's commute shorter in time and cheaper in cost), the cost of road maintenance lessens with decreased use, and there is a "green" benefit from having fewer vehicles on the roadways.

And anyone who has driven from the south to downtown Minneapolis during the time the LRT has been in use can tell you that this contention is a "crock" of "shit".

Unfortunately, this "what's in it for me" rant has been the driving theme of the antitax movement for the past 25 years.

Ah yes: no moronic justification for a boondoggle would be complete without inventing a false premise. And this guy's a pro too, given that he is one of those rare Kool Aid sucking dimwits who has been known to faithfully regurgitate the fully discredited Krugman Fallacy (which, of course, did not pass without comment on this ThunderJournal).

But anyway, there's those characterizations again - "what's in it for me" and "antitax" - to create the impression that those whose rectums are already sore from the machinations of Minnesota's state tax aren't paying hardly any taxes at all. Or at least they're not paying their "fair share". The fact of the matter is that the next budget will be increasing by around 9 or 10 per cent. That's higher than the rate of inflation, and way higher than my last raise.

The fact of the matter is that the only reason LRT exists is because a band of socialist social engineers aligned themselves with a bunch of flaming Minnesotans in love with the idea that Minneapolis could really really be another Chicago if only we had those neat trains they have there. There are an awful lot of people who **already** pay a **large** sum of money in taxes that think sinking $750 million dollars into a train that cannot support its operating costs on fares is just too much to pay to help someone else achieve their concept of utopia (or, conversely, Chicago).

I'm sorry that it hurts to hear that Minnesotans, but it's the truth. You can now go back to wetting yourselves over Brett Favre trade rumors.

Its effects are starting to show on the nation's infrastructure.

Perhaps if we stopped toying with the totally useless notion that kindergarten should start at age 3...

Using this logic -- that taxes are payment only for services that each individual uses -- then we would have no roads at all -- nor would we have any public schools or universities, public hospitals, airports, national parks, libraries, etc.

And there it is - we're not calling for fiscal sanity - we don't want to pay any taxes at all. We're such a bunch of unenlightened troglodytes.

If I were a lefty blogger, I'd call this patrician jerk a liar - LIAR!!!!!! But, happily for you, I am not, and instead will call him:

TURD FERGUSSON, ALEXANDRIA, MINN

Show A Little Love for the Pie Guy

Today, KARs very own in-house pie decorator and gift wrapper turns 40-something.

Happy birthday Bill!

Feel free to send your best wishes to Bill in the comments to this post. Or - better yet - send him flowers. Bill just loves to get flowers!

Monday, May 14, 2007

The Fascists won't stop with smoking

Now that the House and Senate have passed the Private Property Rights Evisceration Act by banning smoking everywhere but in the privacy of your own bathroom, I’ve concluded that the Fascists in favor of the ban have a very odd perception of the concept of rights. The perception is embodied in the following letter found in the Star & Sickle:

Whose freedom?

A statewide smoking ban would be an erosion of whose freedom? The freedom of smokers to contaminate my airspace without my consent? Or my freedom to breathe clean air?

JULIE MELLUM, MINNEAPOLIS

Julie, you ignorant, selfish, Fascist slut. Who the fuck are you to tell anyone how to run their business or how to live their life? Where do you get off forcing your lifestyle on the rest of the world?

Now I get it.

You have issues so you want the legislature to punish anyone who doesn’t accommodate you. That, Julie, is the epitome of selfishness.

But, being a magnanimous sort, I found a solution to your problem that doesn’t include shredding the rights of others and all it took was an internet connection and the right search term.

Suit up.

Billy Martin Writ Small

From the KAR Sports Desk

Wall Street Journal reporter, walking chest hair farm and Lake Elmo little league coach Mark Yost finds himself on the hot seat this week after making several controversial comments and moves during a 25-13 thrashing of his team:

I told the kids between innings that they needed to do better. That they were better ball players than that. That they needed to think about the play as the batter was stepping into the batter's box. Where's the play? What are you going to do if the ball comes to you? Things like that.

After the game, I told the kids that they just plain got beat. That they didn't play to their ability. I also benched a kid in the middle of the game for sitting down in left field. I had told the guys during practice that I expected them to be focused, behave in the dugout, etc. During my post-game talk, I explained why I benched this kid. Said I wasn't singling him out; anyone would be treated that way. I also talked to his parents. They initially thanked me for explaining why he was on the bench
.

Ahhhh but this is little league sports. And as we all know, the parents of little leaguers are always fine, level-headed and totally sane folk:

10 minutes later, as I went to my car, the kid and his dad walked up. His dad said, "[The kid] has something to tell you." I thought, "Great, he's making the kid apologize, take responsiblity for his actions." Shame on me for thinking this was still the 1950s. The kid gave me some dog-ate-my-homework excuse about bending down to tie his shoe. The old man fully supported him. I politely told the kid that I didn't see him tying his shoe, but if that was the case, he should have told me when he came in and I would have considered it. They walked off in a huff.

About 8 p.m. last night, I got a call from the commissioner that "there have been complaints." One mom, who wasn't even at the game, wants me fired for my post-game comments to the kids. The commissioner didn't seem all that concerned. I coached his kid last year and he said he knew I was a good coach. He also talked to the one parent -- out of 11 -- who helped me base coach yesterday's game. He agreed that my post-game exhortations to the kids weren't out of line. But here's the kicker: "If I keep getting complaints, I'm going to have to make a change," the commissioner said. In other words, he knows I'm a good coach, that I did nothing wrong, but if parents keep complaining he'll shitcan me.

Ironically, he asked the mom who wasn't at the game but kept insisting that I be fired "immediately," who would take my place? Silence. That's the one thing that may keep me in the job. No one else will coach. Similarly, it took four email messages for me to get two parents to step up and work our shift at the concession stand, which raises about $8,000 a year for the league ($10,000 if I could get the Stroms and Sisyphus to come to games).

Now that's the kind of crack that gets managers like Ozzie Guillen in trouble!

I think Yostie's delusional. I don't think his problem is with how he handles his kids. It's his rather unorthodox managerial technique:

These kids are 9 years old. I see this as a teaching league. I assign my kids to positions alphabetically, not by ability. I rotate them every inning. By contrast, the coach who beat us yesterday, had his best players in the infield. One kid played right field the whole game. It wasn't until the 5th inning (we play 6) that he had a comfortable lead and put his scrubs in. Yet I encourage the kids to do better, play to their ability, and I get castigated.

Assigning position based on the kids' names? It's just like the Nihilist in Golf Pants' betting method at Canterbury Downs.

If it's a "teaching league," then how come they keep score, hmmmm?

Alas, Coach Yost tendered his resignation, leaving his son's club in the hands of a parent more suited to catering to the tender sensibilities of 9-year-old baseballers. Perhaps this new coach can succeed where Yost has failed, by allowing these obviously overworked kids to take a rest in the field mid-inning and by teaching them the valuable life lesson that losing by 12 runs because you're lazy and have your head up your ass most of the game is not only acceptable in baseball - but in life as well.

At least Yost now has more spare time to groom his thick, manly chest hair.

Poll to follow...

Actually, Vikings Fans Do That Even When Their Team Isn't Going to the Playoffs

Should the Brewers realize their destiny this season, I shall arise from my shock-induced prostrate position on the floor and openly weep the type of joyful tears that only an ardent fan beaten down by a decade and a half of futility can excrete.

Other - presumably more rabid - fans of the Crew plan a somewhat different kind of celebration.

Who's the Butthole Now?

Chad Vader - The Season Finale:


Friday, May 11, 2007

ThunderJournal? What ThunderJournal?

Busy weekend, so I'm starting it early. Sorry.

In my stead, please enjoy this video of Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson performing the Tom Jones classic "Delilah" on what appears to be the weirdest television show ever.

(Video courtesy of Alert Reader mike)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

If You Don't Think this Song Is the Greatest Song Ever, I'll Have to Fight You



Now whatever could that mean?

Another one bites the dust

With all due respect to Queen, the South St. Paul police did us all a favor this morning.

If I followed the Non-monkey model, I would be weeping tears for the dirt-bag who got plugged by a cop’s bullet, but I have more sense than that. Unlike him and his Leftie friends I understand the concept of consequences.

In this particular case, if you are a slimy bastard that holds up banks, credit unions, anyone or anything with a gun in your hand, you stand a pretty fair chance of a cop turning you into a – with all due respect – lead belly.

Thank you officer and good riddance to the human debris.

I wonder if he can be billed posthumously for clean up costs. Getting blood stains off the pavement can’t easy.

the blog mart

(Why wait for Saturday, when you can read the next Blog House today!)

the blog mart by tim o'brien

Lying wingnuts ruin blogosphere for everyone!!!!!!!!!!

I shake my head sadly, as this was truly a tragic week for blogs. For the deceit, betrayal and outright disrespect shown by a small group of right-wing nutjob bloggers have tarnished us all. There is a community of bloggers out there -- left and right -- who respect each other even if they disagree with them. And in fact the victim of the terrible ruse I am about to account for you here was one of the most respectful, honest and undeserving of the frankly disgusting treatment at the hands of a few nazi-sympathizing bloggers.

It all began when noted objective internet journalist Jeff Fecke requested an interview from his long-time friend whom he had always respected and held in high regard, Andy Aplikowski (1) for an article he was writing for the online news source Minnesota Monitor (2). But instead of treating his fellow blogger with the respect and solicitude that he rightly deserved, Aplikowski replied with a series of hate-filled, racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, anti-Muslim, unhinged rants emblematic of any wingnut Republican. Like a good journalist, Mr. Fecke cleaned up the transcript, added some copy and posted the piece.

Aplikowski then revealed that the interview was bogus. He divulged on his little hate blog that Fecke and all the other tolerant and enlightened individuals who read the Minnesota Monitor were taken in by a hoax. He revealed that a compendium of wingnut bloggers including Mitch Berg (3), Kevin Eckernet (4) and one other guy I can't remember actually wrote the answers to Fecke's incredibly innocent and pure-hearted queries in order to get him to publish a phony interview, and provoke reactions from other centrist (some would say "leftist" but I won't) bloggers and readers. They did all this while using statements that are not obviously facetious like:

There’s a lot to be learned from fast food.

and

Actually, I want to tar and feather Rep. Earhardt.

and

Conan the Barbarian said it best; "the greatest joy is to drive your enemies before you and hear the lamentation of his women." That should be the goal.

and

I have a fundraising idea that would rake in money. Pawlent dunk tanks. I’d put the Governor in a tank and travel to every County Fair with him. 3 ball for $5 bucks to dunk the Guv! That’s gold baby.

and

We could start a draft movement. We’ve got some of the best bloggers in the Nation right here in Minnesota who are spot on on the conservative issues. The NARN guys are rock stars on the right, and in the eyes of the Delegates, can walk on water.

and

With all due respect, are you on drugs? Did you have one too many ‘nappy headed ho hos’ or something?

Worry me? Only that I’ll get sued, or be called a fucker or butt boy at a DFL fundraiser.

and

I’d love to see an actor get in. That would really bring back the Republican/Reagan romance.
I’m thinking someone like Bruce Willis, or maybe Mel Gibson. I think either one would be soooo much better than anyone one announced or considering.


I mean, come on, they are all just a bunch of suits reading teleprompters. We all know they don’t really believe the crap they are saying, they’re just pandering to us so we will give them money. I know they have absolutely no intentions what-so-ever to actually do anything they talk about.

I am a bit worried about your boy Obama though. He used to worship that Allah, and his middle-name is Hussein. Coincidence????


And then there were the totally believable insinuations that John Hinderaker was running for party chair. I mean, can you blame anyone for believing it was the real deal? I can see how any enlightened and intelligent person could totally get sucked in by that! Likewise I can't understand why a GOP activist would ever want screw with an obviously respectful objective and earnest fellow who writes for a straight down the middle news organization like Minnesota Monitor.

What a bunch of jerks.

So Aplikowski is a liar. Except for those racially charged statements - he must have totally meant those. I contacted Aplikowski for a statement to defend his heinous actions, but decided not to print it. Indeed, I'm just going to ignore it and only push one side of the story - the lefty activist one!

And now we should all shake our heads sadly at the death of the blogosphere as we know it.

D-MOD on hiatus????

One of the few venues in which enlightened liberals and knuckle-dragging conservatives could get together and respect each other was Drinking Moderately, held monthly during the spring and summer months by Centisity's (5) Flash. But alas, Flash hasn't posted any of his trademark open invitations this year. I guess D-Mod is just another casualty of disrespectful wingnut bloggers who feel uncomfortable drinking with good, honest liberals.

SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW TO FIND THE BLOGS ONLINE

1 Residual Froces - residualforces.com

2 Minnesota Monitor - moveon.org

3 Shot in the Dark - shotinthedark.info

4 EckerNet - eckernet.com

5 Centrisity - centrisity.blogspot.com

Hold On. I'm Coming.

Late posting, sorry. High concept post today.

Oh, who am I kidding - late start.

BRB.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Serendipity

It's almost spooky that this piece appears today.

Blogging in Three Panels



Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

(More Pearls here.)

F is for Fun, F is for Fake-Believe

No, Jeff, you're not a reporter. You are a paid propagandist for a political advocacy site whose sole mission is to get Democratians elected (oh - if it's not, then please tell me why only "progressive bloggers, freelance writers and 'professional' 'journalists'" need apply?). Therefore, when you ask an ardent activist for the Party Opposite for info on the inside baseball of that party - well, if you expect anything other than shenanigans you ought to reevaluate your "reporting" skills.

And since when is yanking someone's chain (even one who plays dress-up journalist) "willfully misleading" or "lying?" It's only "lying" inasmuch as my blockbuster interview with James Lileks was "lying," in that he was completely unaware that he had given me one. So, it wasn't "lying"; and it most certainly was not lying to a "reporter". The quicker you disabuse yourself of both notions, the happier you'll be.

(And really, you shouldn't lecture anyone about lying, given your exhaustive body of work based on half-truths, mischaracterizations, false premises and outright lies.)

What it was, however, was an amusing diversion; an exercise in disinformation with a rather obvious play to the preconceived prejudices of you and your audience. I mean, didn't those references to Obama and the Imus comment seem just a little extraneous and out of context?

It was like waving our arms yelling "Yoohoo! You can play the race card here!"

Not to you people. Critical thinking jumps right out the window when you hacks see the chance to slime somebody. Hell, it never even occurred to any of you that perhaps Andy didn't write any of those answers at all (aside from inserting typos and torturing some of the syntax to make it look more authentic). (And no, I didn't write the answers either.) Any obvious clues clues to the patent lines of bullshit offered up in that interview (John Hinderaker for GOP chair!!!!) once the Usual Suspects saw the opportunity to label Andy with the "R" word, and then by extension, everyone with whom he's ever had a conversation.

Oh, how you libs love to label. Well, label to destroy anyway. Somehow, I find it hard to believe that there'd be any chatter amongst yourselves if it were revealed that Andy rescues orphaned puppies and takes in foster children treating each and every one of them to a two-week trip to Disney World as they come.

No. You're all in the business in destruction. I was just shocked at how long it took y'all to turn the Obama statement around (more than 5 hours) and present it to your drooling midget kool aid suckers.

That's how we made you look bad. And we can hack too.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Pies in History

As Learned Foot decreed, I shall henceforth be posting about pie. Just pie. Nothing but pie. This might seem a difficult assignment, and it would be for anyone not as pie-fluent as I. For example, do you know how prevalent pie is and has been in our society throughout history? Think of all the literary referrences to pie: 4 and 20 blackbirds baked in a pie; Simple Simon met a Pieman; Bye, bye Miss American Pie; and of course, the ubiquitous coconut pie of Giligan's Island fame (baked by Mary Ann, I am sure...way hotter than Ginger!). Then there was the Simpson's episode where Bart lures Homer into a pit trap with a pie, and Homer's wonderful exclaimation just before falling into the hole: "Mmmm, floor pie."

So you see, pie holds a place in the hearts of all Americans. Hence the expression, "As American as Apple Pie"!

Pi

3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105-8209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170679 821480865132823-06647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102701938521105559-64462294895493038196 44288109756659334461284756482337867-83165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273- 72458700660631558817488152092096282925409171536436789259036001133-0530548820466521384146951941511609

KAR WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Interview with James Lileks

James Lileks is a nationally syndicated writer, blogger, Star Tribune columnist, raconteur and pop culture archaeologist. We recently caught up with James to ask him a few questions about recent revelations on his blog, The Bleat.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today, James.

JAMES LILEKS: Not a problem.

LF: I think it goes without saying that some of the things you revealed on The Bleat yesterday have caused quite a stir around town.

JL: An understatement. My inbox has swelled to O'Donnellian proportions.

LF: We'll get to that in a moment, but first I'd like to give our readers a little bit of background.

JL: Ah background. Background is the thing that gives the story a bony skeleton, so that it may stand erect and survey the savanna for the wildebeests of confusion.

LF: Er, yeah. Anyway, I am sure you are familiar with this photo:



JL: Why yes. That fetching visage is that of none other than the guy known as "me".

LF: Correct. Now do you recognize this man?



JL: That is the fabulous American star of stage and screen Bob Balaban. One of my favorites.

LF: You have to admit that the resemblance is uncanny.

JL: I have heard that. You know, some time ago there was this annoying anonoblogger who kept insisting that Balaban and I -

LF: I'd like to now ask you some questions about your post from yesterday, if I may.

JL: Er, OK. Shoot.

LF: In the fourth paragraph of yesterday's piece, you wrote the following:

All these worlds are mine, except Europa!

JL: I remember that. That's from the film 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

LF: Indeed. Later on in the post, there was this:

The music sums up exactly how I feel now, frankly. To quote Dave Bowman in “2010”: something is going to happen. Something wonderful.

JL: Yes. Another 2010 quote.

LF: You like that movie, do you?

JL: Of course, it didn't come close to measuring up to the original, but it was quite fine entertainment in its own right at its own time. Wonderful, yet forgettable; sci-fi escapism at its best!

LF: Mmmhmm. "Forgettable". In fact, I'll bet that nowadays most folks would be hard-pressed to remember any lines from that now 20-plus year-old movie; except for maybe, say, you and - well - the cast of the film course. Correct?

JL: An astute, and likely correct, observation.

LF: You remember who starred in that film?

JL: Let's see... There was Roy Scheider and John Lithgow. I think Yakov Shmirnoff or someone like that was in it. Uh... of course, you had a seemingly unaged Keir Dullea returning to the Discovery. Who else? Oh yeah - the aforementioned Bob Balab-

LF: AHA!

JL: ????

LF: ADMIT IT! You and Bob Balaban are THE SAME PERSON! You are so busted!

JL: This interview is over!

LF: Hey, that's my line, Bob.

JL: I am so going to punch you in the nuts.

LF: This interview is over!

Leveraging Our Synergies and Redirecting Our Human Resources to a More Favorable Line of Sight Mission Supply Chain

The KARnies are gathered in the KAR HQ conference room.

LEARNEDFOOT: Thank you all for coming to this emergency staff meeting on such short notice.

DEMENTEE: NO PROBLEMO!!!!!!!

HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: meh

BILL: Pie!

LF: As most of you know, the massive traffic KAR has seen over the past month due to our linking to a picture of Ryan's ass last September has dried up. Traffic is now back at its pre-ass-o-lanche levels.

DEM: THAT MAKE DEMENTEE MAD!!!!!!!!

HOAG: meh

BILL: Pie!

LF: What you all may not be aware of, is that I, as managing editor of KAR, anticipate this return to B-level traffic, and have been meeting with media consultants to plan how to best retask our resources. I'll be frank: we need to cut costs and streamline, while simultaneously growing the ThunderJournal. With the consultants' help, I have redefined each one of our roles, so that each contributor fills a niche that most closely comports with his talents and abilities. I believe that this is our route back to 4-digit daily traffic.

DEM: SOUND GOOD!!!!!!! ME LISTENING!!!!!

HOAG: meh.

BILL: Pie!

LF: The new roles are as follows: I will remain as KAR Chief Editor, and will take on a new additional role that I think will really improve our market presence - celebrity interviews!

DEM: OOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

HOAG: meh

BILL: Neat! Pie!

LF: Starting today, Bill is fired as Artistic director, and will henceforth only cover pie news.

BILL: Pie - I mean - WHAT????

LF: Yes, Bill you have the very first pie beat anywhere in the media. Congratulations.

BILL: Well, thank you. But as excited as I am about getting the greatest job a ThunderJournalist - nay - a journalist could ever hope for, who's going to do the header art? After all, the header art is a big draw.

LF: I'm glad you asked! Meet your new artistic director: Dementee!

DEM: REALLY?????!!!!!!!!!

LF: Really. As of now, you are relieved of your duties as KAR's designated ranter, and can fully focus your energies on creating masterpieces of header art!

DEM: ME VERY EXCITED FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY!!!!! ME GOT ONE PROBLEM THOUGH - ME NOT KNOW HOW TO USE MS PAINT!!!!!!!!!

LF: Heh. That doesn't matter! I'm management, and a bevy of high-priced consultants said that Art Director is the best fit for you. How could we possibly be wrong?

DEM: BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT COME HERE TO READ DEMENTEE CUZ THEY LIKE DEMENTEE'S GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AND IMAGERY???????!!!!!!!!!

LF: They won't even notice you're gone.

DEM: SWEET!!!!!! ME GONNA WORK ON ME FIRST HEADER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

LF: Great! I love that enthusiasm!

BILL: What about The Head?

HOAG: meh.

LF: Sorry, Head, but we're gonna have to let you go. We've outsourced your job to Sisyphus.

HOAG: meh.

LF: Great! Glad to see there's no hard feelings. Well, everybody, that's it. I think we can look forward to years of success in our new roles, and with the help of highly-paid consultants who could never ever give bad advice. After all, what could possiblai go wrong?

LF: Er, "possibly" go wrong. That's the first time that anything has ever gone wrong...

UPDATE:

DEM: ME FINISHED WITH NEW HEADER BOSS!!!!!!!!!! WHATCHOO THINK????!!!!!!!

Monday, May 07, 2007

The News in Haikus

-"Dude, I need some smack"
-"Sure, here you go - BWARARARRF*.
"One hundred bucks, please."

* Three sylables.

Israel adopts
Revolutionary speed
Bump technology.

Gomers who shoplift
From Wal Mart are trashiest
White trash of them all.

Of course children are
Bad for the environment.
Moonchild's poop's toxic.

A bomb goes off at
The Luxor. Foot gropes for a
Powerslave haiku.

Paris does her time.
Hot prison lesbo film soon?
Nihilist hopes so.

An Anthropologist on Mars

CONGRATULATIONS to David Bullard for being the 1 millionth print "journalist" who thinks blogs (and by extention, ThunderJournals) suck! Sample:

I have no objection to reading my Sunday Times on the Internet because I know the content has been through the same process as the print edition. I do, however, object to some anonymous, scrofulous nerd pumping meaningless drivel into cyberspace at all hours of the day and night simply because he can’t find a girl to sleep with him.

Hey - you leave Fecke out of this!

Assman fisks the rest.

MilF Tips: TPC at Valleywood #6

NOTE: This is the sixth installment of a series created for KAR's Expanded MilF Hype Program. Each week, we will present a breakdown of one hole on the MilF's home course: the majestic and hallowed TPC at Valleywood. Since I'm certain nobody reads this introductory note any more, I'll just insert some random vulgarities: boner wiener poop fart boobies baniaiaian woody nipples. Print them out and collect them all to make a groovy "course book" just like the pros use!

VALLEYWOOD #6
"Galt's Gultch"


Marked by dramatic elevation changes, #6 is a 333-yard (302 from the MilF tees) par 4. The elevated tee allows for a monster drive, which is mitigated by the even-more elevated green and a slight dogleg.

Your second shot will be a punch shot out of the heavily treed woods that line either side of the fairway. From there your should have a nice half-wedge into the deep, two-tiered green.

FOOT'S SECRET TIP: A port-o-potty at the tee box here represents your last chance to drop a deuce until the clubhouse at the turn.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Mmmmrrrf

This made liquid shoot out my nose.


Separated at Birth

Psychologically imbalanced former Alderman, Michael McGee Sr.:








...and...


Psychotropically impaired former Parliamentarian, George Clinton:




I Had Totally Forgotten About That Turd!

Back when I was growing up in Milwaukee in the 80's, the City's Common council was of such a quality that it would make Minneapolis' (or St. Paul's, for that matter) City Council of today look like the Algonquin Round Table. One of the chief reasons for that was the presence of a certain psycho race baiting alderman, Michael McGee.

Oh, he was a treasure. And if I had a blog back then, I could have devoted 99% of its content to Mad Mike (the other 1% being split between dumb letters to the editor and calls for the fashion industry to invent thongs). There was no event too bland that he would refuse to cast in the most racially polarizing light possible. If the Mayor of Brookfield petted a dog in Walker's point, he'd cry "RACISM!!!" and demand an inquest. And while he had the Sharptonesque race-baiting down pat, he also possessed a talent for attention whoring that would make Jesse Jackson take notes. As I recall, one of his favorite tactics would be to take a few of his Black Panther Wannabe droogs to public speeches or press conferences, where they'd blow referee whistles to disrupt the proceedings and draw attention to themselves.

Thankfully, McGee no longer sits on the Council. He's left that to Junior, so he could pursue a career in radio. And I had long forgotten him. Until I saw this today:

A former alderman and controversial radio talk show host said he's happy the mother of his radio rival is dead.

Michael McGee Sr. made the comments during his radio show on WNOV-AM Thursday morning. Charlie Sykes is a radio talk show host on WTMJ-AM. Sykes' mother, Katherine B. Sykes, died in a house fire Tuesday. The Ozaukee County Coroner said Thursday that Sykes died of smoke inhalation
.

Here's what he said. Given what I remember about McGee, I'm pretty sure his comment was cleaned up for grammar and syntax:

"Mother Sykes, she (sic) dead. To me it's the vengeance of God. I ain't (sic) got no (sic) tears. Matter of fact (sic) a woman that would have a fool like that deserve (sic) whatever is coming her (sic). She raised a sure enough (sic) idiot," McGee said on his radio show. "My instincts say Charlie Sykes killed his momma, cuz (sic) she live (sic) out in this big palace in Mequon all isolated (sic). He got tired of waiting for her money."

Wow.

But I'm sure he job be safe. (sic) After all, this doesn't really rise to the level of "nappy headed hos".

Stay tuned for a great "Separated at Birf."