Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Milf Tips: TPC at Valleywood #11

Note: This is the 11th in a series of 18 tips intended to dispel any thoughts that you can score in the vicinity of par on this course. By number 11 during actual play, the players have been to the clubhouse at the turn and visited by the beer cart girl enough times that a score north of 100 is a foregone conclusion.

VALLEYWOOD #11
"False Hope"

After what is generally a pretty formidable foe in #10, the temptation is to look at the relatively short par three 11th with expectaions for an easier test.

To do so is to invite disaster.

Number 11 plays 133 from the Milf tees and beckons a reasonably able golfer to reach for the 9 iron or p-wedge. Better make sure you hit it crisp, Snowflake. A misfire here that goes even a little bit right drops you into the same body of water that foiled your hopes of par on #10. The Beach is a distinct possibility if you veer to either side of the green short or pin-high. Hit it straight but short of the steeply sloped mesa-like green and you will have a blind second shot to a green that runs fast due to its inclination to shed water. Long is no good either, as you will have a perilous pitch or chip that needs to hold the green, lest you wind up with the aforementioned blind approach lying 2.

That being said, the best mistake would be short and straight. The slope of the green is back toward the tee, so the blind second shot seems preferable to the prospect of trying to pitch or chip from the back and trying to stop it on the green before it goes "over the hill."

BILL'S SECRET TIP: Take a 9 iron and set up to hit a draw. Aim just over the left edge of the right side water, and you should end up with a soft landing that holds the green.

MilF Sausage Poll


Attention MilFers:

A new e-mail update has been sent out. Please read and act accordingly. Or continue ignoring it like you have been doing. Shitheels.

Over on the sidebar I have posted a poll regarding your choice of sausage for this year's PostMilF. Take a moment to let us know which sausage you prefer putting in your mouth. We'll go with the one with the highest total.

Any votes for the chorizo will be ignored.

Moron Rediculous Looser Mail

So what do you get when a middle-aged preadolescent who chooses odd things to obsess about, and who is primarily known for authoring a crappy, unfunny defunct comic strip, pooping out crappy, unclever photoshops and "videos" (i.e. still photos with a rolling soundtrack) and contributing to a slew of rancid, lightly-read stalker blogs, runs out of material (such as it is)?

Why, you get the Strib Letter o' the Day!

Nearly a year ago, former Minneapolis Councilmember Dean Zimmermann was convicted on three counts of bribery. To this day, many of Zimmermann's supporters claim he is innocent, even though audio and videotapes presented at the trial clearly showed him soliciting and accepting large amounts of cash. You can read all about it on my still unread PRT Sucks Blog. Read my blog!

The U.S. Department of Justice did not release those tapes to the media at the conclusion of the trial. The tapes were shown in open court and are part of the public record. Similar FBI tapes showing public officials accepting bribes have been released to the media. I've run out of public domain videos to tweak and put on YouTube! Help! Read my blog!

Zimmermann's supporters have said that then-U.S. Attorney Tom Heffelfinger, Assistant U.S. Attorney John Docherty, the FBI, the judge and jury were part of a conspiracy to "frame" Zimmermann. Some supporters have even conjured a conspiracy that involved Zimmermann's opponent in the last election and even DFL Party officials. But we knew all those conspiracies are false because Zimmermann is in the pocket of Big PRT - a lobby that threatens the very fabric of public transportation. Read my blog!

Recent allegations that other federal investigations and prosecutions may have been politically motivated lend credence to those claims. Those allegations have eroded public confidence in the fairness and impartiality of the U.S. Department of Justice. Michele Bachmmann, who also supports the impending PRT boondoggle, has also eroded public confidence because she's a gay hatin' theocrat PRT bobo. You can read about that on my blog too!

I believe allowing citizens to view the evidence that convicted Zimmermann would help restore some of that lost confidence and give me something to fill my vast free time. Maybe I could put a soundtrack on the tapes! Nothing would be funnier than a video of Zimmermann taking a bribe while "Lawyers Guns and Money" or perhaps that Edgar Winter classic "Free Ride" plays in the background! Please oh please throw me a bone here. I have nothing to do now that Bachmann is in Washington, and airfare is too expensive to follow her there. The anniversary of Zimmermann's conviction would be an opportune moment for the government to release those tapes. Please oh please oh please! I'm dyin' here. And read my blog!

KEN AVID0RK, MARS

Wow. What's next? Will we soon see him standing a freeway off ramp holding a "Will make slanderous photoshop for food" sign?

One could only hope...

Monday, July 30, 2007

Rhetorical Separated At Birth

This one's scary:

Nihilist in Golf Pants: Bonds cheated his way to Aaron's sacrosanct home run record. So what?

...and...

Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer: Bonds cheated his way to Aaron's sacrosanct home run record. So what? (Men suck.)

Chuck You Farley

Yes, it's time once again for the Strib's latest free advertisement for Growth -n- Justice (child-friendly version): that super groovy "Think" tank whose only "thought" is that you're not taxed enough:

If we've heard it once, we've heard the antitax zinger a zillion times: "You can spend your money better than the government can spend your money."

The premise, of course, is that government is wasteful and profligate, while you are prudent and frugal.

Ooooooooooooooooo. You can almost smell the fetid condescension dripping from those words. Perhaps the authors (one of which is a former Stribber, and the other is a "consultant," who, as far as I can tell, spends almost all of his time thinking up ways to extract even more money from the citizenry) should at least make an attempt to apprehend their opponents' arguments. While I will not attempt to help them out explicitly in this regard, I will mention that a) government bureaucracies count as an additional transaction cost that would not be present in more free market approaches and 2) unlike government, when your typical family sees that they are running under their budget for the year, they generally do not go out on a spending binge to ensure that their employers pay them the same or higher salary the following year.

Now comes a July 14 Star Tribune report with some fun facts from the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS). Twin Cities households ranked first among 24 metropolitan areas in household spending on home furnishings and entertainment, third in eating out, third in alcohol consumption, and sixth in personal-care items. One retailer in the article observed that upscale consumers are increasingly demanding not just premium vodka, but "super ultra premium vodka."

I will note here in passing that folks who buy the higher-priced super ultra premium vodka tend to be poseurs who probably can't afford it anyway and are probably just trying to impress the chicks. Super dooper ultra premium vodka tastes like gasoline, just like the cheap stuff.

But, more to the point, when people spend money on furniture and entertainment and super dooper high priced gasoline flavored booze, that money doesn't just evaporate into the ether. It goes to pay wages of those who provided the good or service, and a return on the investment someone made to make the commodity possible.

And, oh yeah, some of the money goes to taxes to - both on the sales transaction, the wages, and the dividend.

Of course, the way G&J and the others who are Happy to Make Someone Else Pay More to Make them Feel Philanthropical will continue to couch the debate in terms that insinuate that we aren't taxed at all...

Let's just quickly review and compare how state and local governments have been squandering "your" money. Almost all public-sector spending goes for these frivolities: public schools and colleges, health care for the elderly and for poor families with children, roads and mass transit, libraries, environmental protection, parks, police and fire protection, courts and corrections. (Some might argue that government officials and the Legislature do provide entertainment, but this is basically a free sideshow, not a budget line item.)

But, again. We are getting taxed. A lot. So if you can't find a way to pay for all those things, perhaps you should look at your budgeting techniques first.

Earlier this summer, we learned from another federal report that Minnesota had sunk to a modern-era low, 23rd among the states, in state and local government taxes as a percent of income, and to 31st in government expenditures as a percent of income. By these measures, our government is significantly smaller than in the mid-1990s, before some of the largest state income tax cuts in the nation were pushed through in 1999 and 2002. (Advocates of those cuts said they would spur economic growth.)

And there's that bogus statistic again. It doesn't matter that you've already given quite a bit as measured in real dollars. These leeches see that there's still a margin to be exploited. They want to suck out every drop that they believe they're entitled to. And they're trying to make you forget that in addition to the (glancing at my 2006 state and federal returns) income taxes at 2 levels of government, you are taxed almost every time you by a consumer good, buy booze, renew your license tabs, renew your driver license ($22.25), play a round of golf, pay your gas, electric, cable/dish and phone bills (cellular and landline). Then you've got the property tax, which don't cover sewer, water and the street lights, so then you get a monthly bill from your city which runs between $35 and $60 depending on the level of drought you experienced the previous month.

And these cornholes would have you believe that there isn't enough money to run the government.

Blow me.

Next comes a troubling report in the July 18 Star Tribune: "Since 2004, Minnesota's growth in jobs, per-capita personal income and output of goods and services has risen at a lower pace than the national average."

High consumer spending on luxuries, proportionately less government spending and slower-than-average overall economic growth. Could there be a connection?

No. Ever heard of the housing slump? Think about how many different industries are affected when people aren't buying real estate. Lumber, labor, furniture, household goods, agent commissions, consumer electronics...

So obviously, the recent slowing of growth means that we aren't being taxed enough.

What color is the sky in your world?

Blow me.

As pointed out in the July 14 story, our high rankings on nearly every consumer-spending category are explained in large part by the fact that our incomes were third-highest of the 24 metropolitan areas. But the dramatic growth in Minnesota's wealth and income over the past three decades actually occurred when taxes were higher than they are now and when "we" were spending more on "us." And our economy has stagnated since we cut government and taxes, giving "you" more money to spend on "you."

CORRELATION: Hi! It's nice to finally meet my long lost twin!

CAUSATION: Blow me.

Deep down, Minnesotans know that the good life is not all fine wine and skin-care products.

No, it's also a vast, self-perpetuating bureaucracy!

That seems as good a place as any to stop. I think you get my point. Go read the rest if you have a strong stomach for patrician bullshit. So in conclusion:

Blow me.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Reactions Can Teach Us a Lot About the Soundness of One's Position

HISTORIAN #1: The Holocaust is a myth; it never happened.

HISTORIAN #2: [Rolls eyes] Whatever... [Walks away]

***

GEOGRAPHER #1: The earth is flat - flat I tells ya'!

GEOGRAPHER #2: [Rolls eyes] Whatever... [Walks away]

***

SPORTS FAN #1: The Vikings have the best fans in all of sports!

SPORTS FAN #2: [Rolls eyes] Whatever... [Walks away]

***

THINK TANK GUY #1: The hysteria surrounding global cooling warming climate change is way overblown, and the evidence linking it to human activity is hypothetical at best and specious at worst.

THINK TANK GUY #2: It is my intention to destroy your career as a liar. If you produce one more editorial against climate change, I will launch a campaign against your professional integrity. I will call you a liar and charlatan to the Harvard community of which you and I are members. I will call you out as a man who has been bought by Corporate America. Go ahead, guy. Take me on. And by the way, I have no pecuniary interest in perpetuating the hysteria whatsoever.

Metal. Plinky, Plinky Metal.

Two hot babes.

Playing Metalica tunes.

On harps!



Oh hells yes, gimme some more of that shiznit! Their website.

I anxiously await the formation of Iron Glockenspiel...

Via.

Pagan Fertility Rite Goes Horribly Awry

Last week we brought you the story about the giant Homer etched into the landscape neighboring another large etching of a pagan fertility god. The Homer made the pagans angry, and they vowed to cast a rain spell to wash away the blasphemous Homer.

Alert Reader Nicko McDave points us to an exclusive image which shows that the pagans' curse didn't work out exactly as planned.

It Was 20 Years Ago Today - Part XXXV

...I turned 15.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Pack This Shitball

Given the left's all-encompassing lust for the power, along with their ongoing animosity toward the overarching Constitutional principles of federalism and the separation of powers, I'm rather surprised that one of the fellow travelers has taken this long to propose the power grab that I thought would be so obvious to them once the Roberts court started issuing opinions:

WHEN a majority of Supreme Court justices adopt a manifestly ideological agenda, it plunges the court into the vortex of American politics. If the Roberts court has entered voluntarily what Justice Felix Frankfurter once called the “political thicket,” it may require a political solution to set it straight.

I will pause here to note once again for the benefit of those who get their information from places like MinniMoni or Norwegianinanity, that the ability to read and a deference to the laws passed by the only two branches of the government accountable to The People is not, strictly speaking, an "ideology".

And if it were an ideology, it is one that's far more preferable to the one that would posit so much power in the hands of unelected justices with life tenure.

At any rate, you see it coming but let's allow this drooling pretentious elitist gasbag cut to the chase:

Still, there is nothing sacrosanct about having nine justices on the Supreme Court. Roosevelt’s 1937 chicanery has given court-packing a bad name, but it is a hallowed American political tradition participated in by Republicans and Democrats alike.

If the current five-man majority persists in thumbing its nose at popular values, the election of a Democratic president and Congress could provide a corrective. It requires only a majority vote in both houses to add a justice or two. Chief Justice John Roberts and his conservative colleagues might do well to bear in mind that the roll call of presidents who have used this option includes not just Roosevelt but also Adams, Jefferson, Jackson, Lincoln and Grant.

There's so much in those two paragraphs I simply don't know where to begin. So let's try here:

thumbing its nose at popular values

What pray-tell are those "values"? And how has the court thumbed it's nose at said values? The author, something named Jean Smith purports to know, but isn't telling. And in any case it's irrelevant.

The Supreme Court's mission is above all to resolve disputes that involve a matter of law pertaining (usually) to federal jurisdiction. It's job is not - NOT - to discern what "popular values" - what ever the hell that little turd nugget of leftist psychobabble means - and allow it to inform its decision unless and provided that the Congress has left explicit or implicit clues as to what those values might be.

In fact the federal judicial branch is not elected and has lifetime tenure to avoid becoming cowed by popular sentiment at any given moment in history. Because judges don't need to stand for reelection (and Minnesota can learn a lot from this), they are immune from the pressure of always having to make the popular decision that may also be the wrong one. I hasten to add as no small matter, that if you look at a lot of the rhetoric on blogs and from people like Smith here, on many matters legal, the public at large isn't exactly the best place for the court to be taking its cues.

But then of course there's the other side.

I know I've written this in this space before, but it bears repeating: one of the great ironies of our age, is that the same people who went apoplectic over the administration failing to get a few FISA warrants and feel that the executive branch has consolidated too much power under Bush, would also vest quasi legislative power in the one branch of government that isn't elected and whose members are appointed for life. Remember the Ledbedder case, and the exceedingly ignorant reactions (including one from Ruth Bader Ginsberg herself) it spawned from the chattering idiots?

Why do liberals love star chambers?

Do not be surprised if you see this again during the runup (or in the aftermath) of the next presidential election. Changing the composition of the court for the sole purpose of imposing one's own ideology is dangerous and the hallmark of a true Banana Republic.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Let the outsourcing continue! (Without the bloodshed.)

Sisyphus only, please.

Mail From Moron

[NOTE: Due to the low summer traffic levels, the following post has been outsourced to a vendor in Pu Ping, China as a cost-saving measure.]

OK! What you say Mr. Moron Person?

Lori Sturdevant, in her July 22 column, had it dead wrong about the DFL endorsement for Senate. Jack Nelson-Pallmeyer and the committed activists who are supporting him for his possible Senate campaign are not merely the "supporting cast." We are activists who have yet to be convinced of our powerlessness in a democracy.

Oooooooo. Mr. Whiny Crybaby "not yet convinced" he "powerless" in America democracy. Why he think that even possibility? Because finge politician he always vote for in prefecture caucus always get 1% of vote, I think.

Tell you what Mr. Poopy Diaper Letter Man, why not you come to China and see what "powerless" look like. If you activist and speak up about something that not party line, tank come and squish you.

If that not bad enough, you can't even flee country because of 7 levels of airport security. And if that don't stop you, bitchy annoying super clean-shaven American businessman in front of you in line will!

Jack may not raise as much money as Al Franken and Mike Ciresi, but if he chooses to run, he will be raising the issues and the campaign to a different level of honesty and passion. If he runs, the DFL endorsers, and then the voters of this state, will be enriched by the chance to pick the best candidate, not just the best fundraiser.

Yes, much better to have system where no money involved. Like China. You are told who to vote for, and then you vote for them. Very cheap!

PONG PING BONERONG, PREFECTURE OF MINNEAPOLIS

















[EDITOR'S NOTE: KAR believes the author was executed before finishing this post. On the bright side, maybe we won't have to pay the vendor now.]

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Closed Circuit to Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo

Looks like it's time for you to retire.

Move to Key West, where I can visit you (and stay for free).

Mentorship Complete

It didn't take long for Eric Black to make the transition from semi-respected journalist to diseased mercenary character assassin hitman. But it's hardly a surprise and merits little more attention than just this passing mention.

Also unsurprising was the reaction from the unstable droogs in the above-linked post's comment thread. This was a post facto hit piece on Michele Bachmann after all, and true to history, every deranged self-esteem deficient obsessed nomrod came out of the woodwork to once again pillory the freshman representative for her faith and her waaaay radical view that marriage laws should remain just the way they are.

In fact, this thread is so filled with hate, ignorance, paranoia, baseless hubris, and impotent rage, if we could find a way to isolate, contain and package this thread and launch it into the sun, the world would be a far better place. And ol' Sol would have enough fuel to burn for another billion years or so.

As a public service to those who like their sanity intact, I shall synopsize the comments in that thread, paraphrasing them for bevity and distilling them down to their deeply stupid essence so that no more energy need be expended on mocking them.

Of course, for context, you should read Black's post first. I'll wait.

If you've already read the post, and are waiting for the others to catch up with me, here's a video of Iron Maiden performing "Still Life" - a song about a guy whose hallucinations drive him to insanity, which seems oddly appropriate here...



Everybody ready? Good. Let's get on with the paraphrased comment thread:

MaxPower: Why oh why didn't you print this when it happened????? Her behavior obviously disqualifies her from office!

LymeDZs: Printing it would not have made any difference. Bachmann is a christofascist theocrat fascist and her followers are theocratic cryptochristoneocon fascists. The only way to deal with these theocrat cryptochristonazitheocrat fascist fascists is to round them all up and put them in reeducation camps and teach them tolerance. Godbag christo-fascists!

ButtBoy: While I agree with you LymeDZs, I should note that her followers are also sheep lemmings. I also agree with Eric and MaxPower. And everyone else who will comment to this post. Except for wingnuts. I do not agree with wingnuts (is that what we're still calling them?)

Bill Headupass: What else are you hiding Black? For the love of Isis, the civilized world depends on you publishing all the dirt you have on this dangerous dangerous theocrat. I will take back everything I said about you if you will let the light shine in on all those things you held back while you were at the Star Tribune.

Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah theocrat. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada?

So in conclusion, what else are you holding back?

Avid0rk: [Indecipherable]

PsychoWoman: It's good to see that you are finally able to write the Vital Truth now that you are out from under the thumb of the neocon tool Anders Gyllenhaal and that neocon propaganda arm of Halliburton, the Star Tribune. Hugo Chavez 4evah!

Upchuk: That's because we live in an American Gulag. Nobody can speak their mind because the neocon jackbooted thugs will silence you!

PsychoWoman: So true Upchuk. I always censor myself because I live in constant fear of Cheney's thugs marching me off to Gitmo simply because I am a member of the Reality-based Community and I speak truth to power. Go Hugo!

Bill Headupass: I say again, please tell us everything you know about Michele Bachmann. The voters deserve to know! Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr.

Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr. Farley farley farley farley farley, heffaarrrr.

Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart. Booger barf poop fart boger barf poop fart.

Please, Eric. What else do you know?

Blobletta: I rite aboot Michele Bachmann on my blog. Shee's a rediculous looser! Read my blog!

Bill Headupass: I may not have asked this yet, but Eric: what else are you holding back. Michele Bachman is the most dangerous person in the House and the truth needs to get out to the people. What else do you have? Come clean.

Yaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka yaka yakayakayaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yaka yakayaka.

If you don't give us everything you know soon, I'm going to hold my breath and stomp my feet until you do.

Bill Headupass: What else do you know Eric? Please enlighten us unwashed masses. I will not be ignored, Eric.


EDITOR'S NOTE: I'm going to stop here because 1) I just can't take it any more; and 2) Bill Headupass goes on for about 30,000 more words saying pretty much the same thing.

Fuck Blogger

I had this sweet, long post, all ready to go. Pressed "publish". Some weird shit happened. Half the post (the good part) - gone.

Will to thunderjournal waning...waning

Monday, July 23, 2007

Brain Freeze

Garrison Keillor is pining for the fjords (no permalink):

This week I am traveling around the part of Norway you see in the travel brochures - the fjords with picturesque villages on the shores, forested mountains with thousand-foot waterfalls coursing down the precipices, old wooden fishing boats anchored in the harbor, old churches. An American walks around and wonders, "Where are the auto salvage yards, the strip malls, the golden arches?" This is a country that believes in zoning and government regulation. Government trolls will not allow you to open up a Mr. Donut drive-in unless you disguise it as a shop.

Hmmm. I wonder how long till we get around to Chimpee McHallibushitler?

Ancient burial mounds here tell us something about the Vikings. For one thing, when a chieftain died, his people killed a slave woman to go along with him to the afterlife.

And when the Vikings started running out of local slave women, they had some flown in from Atlanta.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

They asked for volunteers and since the lives of slave women were hard, there were some who were willing to take their chances on entering paradise. We also learn that the Vikings were expert woodworkers, which was how they were able to discover America 400 years before Columbus. They knew how to join wood and make ships that would stand up to the North Atlantic.

[NOTE: This post has already achieved its one-Viking-Sex-Boat-Orgy-Scandal-joke quota, so I shall abstain here.]

In Moorhead, Minnesota, you'll find a fine replica of an 11th century Norwegian stave church, which looks a little odd there with few trees and no mountains. And that's how the Norwegian emigrants felt who wound up on the prairie. The sky was too big and they had to learn to walk on level ground. But life was hard in Norway. The Black Plague had killed off half the country in the 14th century and made it defenseless, and so Norway fell under the woolen fist of Danish oppression until Denmark chose the wrong side in the Napoleonic wars and was forced by Britain to give Norway to Sweden, and between the Danes and the Swedes they managed to give Norway a national inferiority complex that lasted even beyond national independence in 1905. In these little villages along the fjords, people wearied of vertical agriculture and began emigrating to the Midwest back when it was a primitive frontier.

OK, while the history lesson is nice, and far more illuminating than pretty much everything Keillor has ever pooped onto newsprint, I'd like to get to the stupidity for me to mock, which is the only reason anybody reads this ThunderJournal.

A Norwegian hates to admit a mistake, however, so the emigrants wrote glowing letters back to Norway, which lured even more Norwegians to the Midwest, so they missed out on the great Norwegian oil and gas bonanza of the past 50 years. Our oil profits go to robber barons who give it to their wastrel children to subsidize lives of insane narcissism, but Norwegian oil profits go mostly to the Norwegian people and subsidize the little villages and the roads and rails needed to connect them - Norwegians are in favor of provincialism - and also go to the largest pension fund in Europe, $300 billion, which is forecast to more than double in the next 10 years.

Ahhh. There it is.

So Norway is superior to the benighted United States, because it takes "oil profits" and gives them to it's citizens.

You mean like that wingnut utopia known as Alaska does?

Must have something to do with the latitude, or number of fjords per citizen, then.

Or the fact that both Alaska and Norway have access to an abundance of much sought-after resources, while also having the combined population of Wisconsin.

Economics aside, Keillor is betraying the roots of his success here. Because after all, didn't he at one point in his career draw a paycheck that was funded by taxes on the profits of oil companies among others (contrary to what dimwits like Garri would have you believe, corporate profits are taxed, as well as the dividends they pay their shareholders, which also comes out of the profits), the proceeds of which were dumped into the Corporation for Public Broadcasting?

Maybe those funds should have gone to a national pension fund Social Security instead.

Just sayin'.

American Norwegians live in little prairie towns where health care is the main industry because everybody's old and their main asset is their home, which isn't worth what it was because the town is shrinking because old people have a tendency to die. Their ancestors took a wrong turn.

Take a moment to let that last sentence there - written by a twit with a thesaurus who owes no small part of his livelihood to you, the American taxpayer - sink in.

They had no idea America would fall into the hands of a failed oilman who would waste the country's pension money on a war for oil

There it is.

while Norway, the world's most peaceful country, enjoys a very sensible prosperity.

I shall be checking the real estate listings today to see if Keillor has listed his Summit Ave. -are manse, his place in River Falls and his condo in New York. Doesn't sound like he'll be needing them any more. Off to the Bestest Country on Earth, where everybody loves the government and don't mind the cost one bit (even in addition to all that Free Oil Money)!

Shocking Revelation in Strib Bachmann Bio

Whilst perusing the Strib's profile of Michelle Bachmann which ran in yesterday's Strib, I found myself stunned and speechless when I read this (emphasis mine):

Blogs, YouTube and Photoshop have added a new level of scrutiny to politics, and a new level of alertness to Frederickson's job. The irony is that her strict vigilance only plays into the hands of people such as Ken Avid0r[k], a regular contributor to a blog called Dump Michele Bachmann. (www.READMYBLOG!. blogspam.com.)

"Bachmann's people are very secretive," said Avid0r[k], a 52-year-old Minneapolis comic artist, who said he is driven by Bachmann's lack of support for public transportation
.

That twit is 52???? A mere 7 years younger than Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo????

I had him pegged at 15, tops.

How sad.

.

Friday, July 20, 2007

THUNDERJOURNALISTS DESERVE LOVE TOO!!!!!!

This is probably fake, but still damn funny:

More STD Foolishness

To continue our celebration of worthlessness that few will see, Bobo does a partial dramatic reading of the very first STD Day post.

New Item


Five minutes to the first pitch. A beefy middle-aged man toting a bratwurst and a beer navigates the narrow row to his seat. The 12 blue eyes of the six buxom blondes seated behind him are drawn, then transfixed by his shirt. It's design, at once simple yet migraine-inducing neatly conceals 20 years worth of beer paunch while maximizing the exposure of his thick, manly chest hair. All the blondes want him. All the men want his shirt.

The Ginney Dago Goombah Shirt - the 100% artificial fibres make it last a lifetime. The maximum-chest hair exposure makes the ladies want to share it with you. Sizes XL to XXXXL. 3 for $7.99.





*EXPLANATORY NOTE TO FULLY UNDERSTAND JOKE: You may know the man modeling the Ginney Dago Shirt as Mark Yost - published author, noted stadium critic, WSJ lifestyle reporter and local Brooklynite. The guy sitting to his right is J. Peterman, of the catalog fame. The real one, not the one on Seinfeld.

Because We Are Celebrating Our Contempt for You Today...

...I feel the need to subject you to the worst blog post ever written in the history of the internet.

Soak it in.

It's That Time of the Year Again!

A quick glance at my site meter tells me that KAR has entered that period of the year known as the Summer Traffic Doldrums (STD). The STD is that time when, for whatever the reason, our traffic drops off a bit to the point where it's not worth the effort to post anything of any value to anyone. It's a time for us KARnies to reflect on the level of contempt which we hold for our audience.

Prepare for meaningless drivel!

(Well, even more meaningless than normal.)

And maybe even a new header!

Iran to be leveled on Saturday

No shit (there is a pun in there that will become clear when you click the link).

I have it on very good authority that the US will drop several ICBMs on Iran this Saturday. In addition North Korea and Cuba will also be visited by small thermonuclear devices.

As Michael said to his soon-to-be-dead brother-in-law Carlo, “Today I settle all family business...”

Go, Dick, go!

Obviously a Keith Ellison fan

The fun keeps on coming. There’s a guy in Hastings named Craig Carroll. He, like Keith Ellison – the first black from Minnesota and the first Muslim from this great country to serve in the US House of Representatives – believes the Bush Administration is akin to Hitler’s Nazi Germany.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could covert the latest batch of Bush snake oil to something we could use in our autos? While they tout what is at best negligible progress in Iraq, we are also subjected to another diatribe from Department of Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff warning us about terror attacks. While I certainly agree with prudence and vigilance, I grow more weary of these tactics all the time.

Allow me to quote a historically significant person who stated, "Voice or no voice, the people will be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger." That person was Hermann Goering, from his jail cell in Nuremberg in April 1946.

Kind of makes you wonder what's going on, doesn't it?

CRAIG A. CARROLL
Hastings

Your letter does make me wonder what’s going on Craig…inside your 2 watt brain.

If my reading of history is correct, Hermann Goering and Hitler’s other ass-plugging Nazi fucks perpetrated one of the most heinous crimes against humanity ever recorded. We don’t call it The Holocaust for nothing you imbecile. Yet you and other dill-rods continue to draw absurd comparisons.

What blows me away is how they do it with such ease. They must really believe the bullshit they’re peddling.

I think I’ll stroll down to the local synagogue this weekend and see if the members have the Star of David sewn onto their clothing. Perhaps a walk down Cleveland Ave. to see if Cecil’s is still standing or if it’s been torched by W’s Brownshirts.

Then again, maybe the first target on Neocon the list is the bookstore at Macalester College. I don’t know of a more anti-American college in the Twin Cities so it must surely be high on the list of targets for Bush’s storm troopers.

The shear idiocy of the Bush=Hitler crowd is reaching a fever pitch and the PHPs who continue to print their nonsensical letters and write vacuous editorials are clearly in agreement.

I can draw but one conclusion: Blogging, the internet and talk radio are not making newspapers irrelevant. On the contrary, it is their arrogance, stupidity and complete deafness to the market that is driving them into the grave.

The Star & Sickle tells us Dick Durbin was right and gutsy to say Gitmo is equivalent to the Soviet Gulag. They then tell us Ellison has a point when comparing the Riechstag fire and 9/11. And while the letter in question today was printed east of the Mississippi, the shoe still fits.

They continue to scream, unabated and without interference from any government intervention, that their civil rights are being stripped. And when they scream – from stages and rooftops and TV and radio – they are telling me that their free speech is being stifled.

They love to use the words “chilling effect.” What asses they prove themselves to be. These ignorant pricks know nothing. They don’t realize how good they have it compared to people in other countries.

Their heros – Castro, Chavez, etc. – are the kings of "chilling effect", but our homegrown leftists are too blind to see that neither of these two Communist goons would hesitate to put a bullet in their brainpans.

Liberalism really is a disease.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

If You Insist on Pointing Out All the Stupid Things I Do, Then I Guess I'll Just Stop Doing Stupid Things

NOTE: As many of you may know, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's personal blog has been suspended by his host since the beginning of this week. I am certain that I am not alone when I say that his overstuffed hubris-laden brain-dead musings were a rich vein of material for many prolific ThunderJournalists. As a public service to the blogging and ThunderJournaling community, I will attempt to fill the void here and channel his voice to provide you, the discerning ThunderJournalist / ThunderJournal consumer, something to mock.

Finally, we have conclusive proof that womyn are more intelligent than men. The only reason that you don't find as many womyn in university math programs or the engineering field is because they've merely been acting dumb to get sex:

The 2004 blockbuster "Mean Girls" portrays an intelligent and beautiful high school girl pursuing a relationship with the stereotypical hot jock. To steal his heart, she deliberately fails math tests so she can get the jock to tutor her.

More recently Disney got in on the act with "High School Musical," in which Gabriella Montez attempts to cover up her intelligence to get Troy Bolton, the star basketball player.

But girls dumbing down to avoid scaring off the guys of their dreams is hardly just the stuff of movies or popular television shows like "Desperate Housewives." It happens in high schools all over the country
.

Now, I have always known that womyn were the intellectual superior to the male of the species. Indeed I have written many a post proving that a disproportionate number of females went into helping professions like nursing and psychology, not because they tended to be disinterested in math and the hard sciences (like global warming), but because of the broad, pervasive and institutional sexism the patriarchy has had in place since the beginning of the world.

It looks like the joke's on us, fellas: they've been playing us the whole time.

But girls dumbing down to avoid scaring off the guys of their dreams is hardly just the stuff of movies or popular television shows like "Desperate Housewives." It happens in high schools all over the country.

Do the girls really think guys don't notice?

"I think you can tell [when girls are acting less intelligent] just by the way they're talking to you, because you can tell it's fake," said Jordan Hinck, who is headed to Missouri State University in the fall
.

Just admit it Jordan you wingnut: you got pwn3d by a bunch of glorious wimmin who wanted to exercise their right to use you as their sexual plaything! You got so torched, stupid wingnut! Heh-deedy!

An article posted on heyugly.com, a popular teen website forum, lists young men, parents and the media as possible reasons young women think they need to dumb down to be attractive.

Hinck said television shows like "I Love New York" portray females in a demeaning manner, but he thinks girls are not generally affected by it.

"It's how media has evolved and how music artists portray themselves," Hinck said. "You can tell it affects how people dance, but a lot of girls don't let it affect how they act in a normal environment."


Well, duh. Everything is demeaning to womyn. Except me. And if any glorious wooomyyn find that attractive, you can contact me through e-mail via this blog.

Heyugly.com also had a survey showing that 35 percent of girls have essentially dumbed down because they fear a guy would be intimidated by their intelligence. Hinck agrees that this percentage sounds feasible, but Bergsten thinks the number is far too high.

And this vindicates This Reporter's corpulent cromulent observations over the past several years on this topic. Wimmin really are superior to men in every way, and should immediately be installed in all positions of power regardless of merit or character (you can find my e-mail on the sidebar, ladies). I am just your humble servant who happened to have been cursed with a penis.

KEEP ABORTION SAFE AND LEGAL!!!!!!!!! (Remember to e-mail!)

Pwn3d.

Iron Maiden Can Teach Us a Lot About What's Wrong With the Death Penalty

When the priest comes to read me the last rites
I take a look through the bars at the last sights
Of a world that has gone very wrong for me

Can it be there's some sort of error
Hard to stop the surmounting terror
Is it really the end not some crazy dream --Iron Maiden


On the heels of news of a last minute stay of execution for Troy Davis, convicted and sentenced to death row for killing a cop, Mitch, much to the dismay of many of his commenters, expresses his opinion on the death penalty:

I support the death penalty for every possible reason, except one; the likelihood of executing the innocent. And that, as it happens, is dispositive to me. Since an equally-safe-to-the-public method - life in Supermax - exists, there is no moral reason to use the death penalty until such a time as humans are very nearly perfect.

The evidence he uses to support this position is a little underwhelming and somewhat incomplete (emphasis mine):

And as Flash shows in the latest of the over fifty cases such cases that have cropped up since the return of the Death Penalty in 1977, we’re nowhere close to perfect yet...

Actually, the number of death row sentencees who have been exonerated of their crimes since 1973 is 124. And in only 15 of those did DNA evidence play a role in the exoneration. So it's fair to say that there's something far more fundamentally wrong with the system than a historical lack of access to technology or scientific knowledge.

In some of these cases, the most compelling testimony the prosecution put forward, such as it was, were defendants' confessions - one of the more notable cases, #80, was chronicled in John Grisham's latest book, An Innocent Man.

I also had the opportunity to hear #100 tell his story at one of the roughly 17 billion CLEs I attended over the past year. I'd encourage anyone in the "eye for an eye" camp to hear him should the opportunity present itself. It will change your mind.

But anyway, 124 exonerations over the course of 34 years. That's almost 4 per year (1 every 3 months).

So, yeah, it is a moral problem.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Mmmmmm....Fertility

Sweeeeeet:




A 180 foot image of Homer Simpson has been painted into the hillside, next to the famous fertility symbol - the Cerne Abbas giant - in Dorset. Pagans are not happy with the new addition to the hillside, and plan some 'rain magic' to get it washed away.



I hope for their sake, that the pagans' rain magic is more effective than it's fertility god:








A little Scott's Turf Builder couldn't hurt. You know what they say: "The Cerne Abbas Giant only helps those who help themselves."



At least it has a giant boner.



Via

This Made Coffee Shoot Out My Nose

Money quotes:

Got any examples? Didn’t think so.

and

In the end this guy’s [waving - ed.] just pissed off cuz nobody gave him any money. [We should compare W-2s sometime... -ed.] Republicans like O’Reilly love pointing out legitimate movement building like TC Planet an MN Mon and insinuating ethical malfeasance while never giving examples. [Read much? -ed.] Progressives can’t be held responsible for the fact that Republicans hate transparency. [pppffffffbwah HAHAHAHAHA! -ed.] This is shit journalism.

Context.

You know, I didn't think there could be a bigger ignoramous with a blog than Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer. But, there you have it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

MilF Tips: TPC at Valleywood #10

NOTE: Bobo sez...




VALLEYWOOD #10
"The Dunk Tank"

All rested up from the turn? Have you refreshed yourself with a beer or grabbed some lunch? Perhaps a nice cathartic poop?


Good. Because this hole sucks.


A par-4 playing 376 from the MilF tees, #10 presents danger at every turn. Hit your drive too long, and you run out of fairway ending up out of bounds. Hit it too short and you'll find yourself facing a long iron into the shallow green over water and a sand trap with large willows waiting on the other side of the pond to knock your ball into the water should you err slightly to the right. If you have a tendency to lose balls, this hole is - to use a golf term - poopy.



And even if you manage to carry the water and the sand and avoid the trees, if you hit your second shot too far, your ball will almost definitely wind up in the o-b area behind the green. Good luck!



FOOT'S SECRET TIP: From the tee, the corner of the fairway - i.e. the place you should hit your drive - is about 230 yards, if you aim just to the right of the target that is helpfully placed in the fairway. If you can hit a driver farther than that, consider teeing off with a 3-wood. Or, just throw a sleeve of new golf balls into the pond and move on to the Eleventh.

Transparency for Thee...

We love to slag on the Minnesota Monitor. Most of the time it's fun at the expense of one of their more incompetent and dull-witted "reporters." But we rip mostly because they are a paid propaganda arm of the Democratian Party (not in actuality, but de facto), who try to sell themselves off as a legitimate news source. This is a legitimate enough reason for scrutiny in it's own right, because: 1) being a group of ideologues and activists, they will tend to be very careful in reporting only those "facts" that help their cause; and 2) their insistence that they are "professional" "journalists" with a "code" of "ethics" might tend to fool the casual reader into thinking that they're getting the whole story and/or an accurate reflection of the truth of the matter.

So we, and others, take whacks at their cred whenever the opportunity presents itself.

But one of the more amusing ongoing themes is Mitch Berg's persistent queries as to where their money comes from (they have a stable of "reporters" who earn stipends, each with access to Lexis/Nexis, which ain't cheap). Mitch even has boilerplate language he includes in most posts about MinnMon, for example:

We conservative bloggers give the Minnesota Monitor a hard time. As has been amply observed by many local center-right bloggers, the MinMon is supported by the “Center for Independent Media”, which until fairly recently shared offices with “Media Matters for America”. MM4A is a George Soros-funded attack PR firm associated with an awful lot of gutless attack-flakkery; in addition to carrying on a high-profile campaign of smearing conservative commentators (often swerving into overt racism, sexism, anti-semitism and a lot of other “isms” that, were MM4A a conservative organization, wouldn’t pass unnoticed and unassailed.

The Center for Independent Media pays a group of local bloggers a fairly fat stipend, by blogging standards, to write for the Minnesota Monitor. One must, on the surface, give the CIM and the Monitor some points for at least trying to put up a good appearance; they bandy their “Code of Ethics” about with giggly abandon. I think it’s fair to say that some of their “journalists” make a game effort to try to meet that “code”; an examination of Minnesota Monitor’s coverage shows that the “code” gets ignored when convenient. And while questions have been raised about CIM’s funding, they’ve never revealed anything - although the phrase “liberals with deep pockets” has slipped out in informal conversation.

Well, wonder no longer! While MinnMon and CIM aren't forthcoming about their sources of income, at least we now know where $100,000 of it came from:

$100,000 to the Center for Independent Media. This grant will support the Center's efforts to strengthen its New Journalist Program by establishing a national branch in Washington, DC. The fellowship program, with operations currently in Colorado, Minnesota and Iowa, mentors and trains state-based political news bloggers in investigative reporting with the aim of creating a robust corps of citizen journalists to add diversity and local expertise to media coverage of important issues. Fellows serving in the New Journalist Washington DC Program will focus their coverage on Congress, federal agencies, the presidency, Supreme Court and the influence of lobbying, the national press corps and campaign finance.

From the Sunlight Foundation! And what is the Sunlight Foundation's raison d'etre?

Transparency! In government!

In fact, the $100,000 CIM received from these people, is called a *snort* *snicker* "Transparency Grant".

Oh! Look here! The sunlight Foundation also gave a "transparency Grant" to our old pal CREW (same link as above):

$117,000 to Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. The first grant of $117,000 went to Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (CREW) to fund the launch of its Open Community Open Document Review System. (Expect to see it around the end of March.) CREW has developed a demonstration version of an online reviewing process that enables people across the internet to review, tag and comment on any of the thousands of pages of documents they have in their possession. They are hoping to build a massive publicly searchable database of every document they receive. Sunlight's grant will allow them to upgrade the hardware and database infrastructure to handle all the documents, to add new software features to make it easier to usem [sic] and to manage and grow a community of regular online contributors.

Remember CREW? That organization that tries to enforce Responsibility and Ethics in Washington (Republicans)? Where have we seen them before? Or today?

So if we're going to be subjected to left-wingers pooping out their propaganda under the gloss of legitimacy while trying to sue their way into power (because they're unsure of their ability to do it via the ballot box), doesn't the public have the right to know who's ponying up, and who's pulling the strings?

After all, it's all about "transparency," right?

Monday, July 16, 2007

Ellison's words have legs

Lookie what I found. The first Muslim in Congress – and he’s black too, if you didn’t know – on tape comparing 9/11 to the Reichstag fire.



The only problem here is that the tape ends before Ellison makes the money quote that he’s not going to say 9/11 was an inside job because he doesn’t want to be branded a nutball.

I’d love to get my hands on the entire address.

He Met Them in a Smoky Room; The Smell of Beer and Cheap Perfume

(To fully experience this post, please listen to this cheesy midi, while reading.)

Tucci struggled down the stairs of the parking ramp, the searing pain in his back from a previous battle forcing an awkward gait. He arrived at the bar's packed outdoor patio to the greetings of several acquaintances. Because of the low server to patron ratio, beer was hard to come by, and Tucci became visibly impatient the longer it took for his Sam Adams to arrive. He eschewed his prescribed muscle relaxant this evening so he could enjoy a beer or twelve. The longer it took, the fewer he could imbibe during his stay which, because of the pain, he planned on being brief.

He stood. The pain didn't allow him to sit - at least not now. He situated himself near the familiar faces. In his line of business, situational awareness was a must, and paranoia was it's highest state. Such was the price to be paid for the life he had chosen. So he caroused and drank (eventually) with those he knew, "The Bananaman," and "The Exposer" and their friend "Captain Capitalism". Tucci had never met "Captain Capitalism" but The Bananaman vouched for him. Besides, anyone who wears a hat like that guy was wearing couldn't be taken as too serious of a threat.

Tucci briefly considered ordering onion rings, but the leftover linguini pomodoro with grilled chicken he had for dinner rumbled in his gut for a moment, and he decided to pass.

Outside the bar, Sisyphus tried to parallel park his car.

Before Tucci moved on to another table, The Bananaman alerted him to the presence of the Evil Weeble. Tucci remembered the Evil Weeble from the last time he came to one of these gatherings. And while he knew the Evil Weeble was someone to be avoided at all costs, he did not perceive her as much of a threat - she stuck out like a sore, severely swollen thumb, and stealth was obviously not one of her natural gifts.

Tucci moved on. He noted Kevie's presence, and felt safe in the knowledge that Kevie only posed a threat to you if you were a pheasant or a prairie dog. Cindy talked to Tucci about the Police. After rubbing Andy's fuzzy head for luck, and exchanging pleasantries with Gary "The Gary" Miller, Tucci sidled up to Atomizer and his wife, who had just arrived.

"How's work?" Tucci asked Atomizer who had been officing from home.

"All I do is read blogs and drink martinis." he replied.

"You don't realize it, but you're making contacts..." Tucci said, not really knowing what he meant by that.

Meanwhile, Sisyphus was making his 4th attempt to parallel park his car.

Atomizer left with his wife, and Tucci surveyed the comings and goings of the crowd. He noticed a guy in a shirt that said "MOB member," a tall, white, gangly guy taking pictures, and even a family with children. He chatted briefly with The Bananaman's cohort, Janet and some mysterious guy who went by the handle "R-Five" ("gotta keep my eye on this guy," he thought). Oh, and these people were nice too. It was getting weird out on the patio, time to take a leak and go.

Just then, guy in the "MOB Member" shirt got up and went into the bathroom.

Inside, before Tucci could reach the bathroom, he ran into Mitch, who was sitting with some blonde woman, and a swarthy guy. Judging by the swarthy guy's appearance, Tucci guessed he was Samoan or something like that, with a name like Moopupu Kamanawannalaya. The swarthy guy told Tucci that he was actually Welsh and not at all swarthy (must've been the lighting), so Tucci immediately wrote him off as someone not to be worried about.

Outside, Sisyphus gave up trying to park and drove home.

After chatting a while with Mitch, the Blonde, and the swarthy guy for a while, Tucci inventoried all the folks he met, so he could link to their blogs as has become the custom. Although he never talked to him, Tucci made a mental note to link to Dan Stover's blog. It would be a nice gesture, as Dan only gets 8 hits per day. Tucci glanced over at the

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Hell Cuteness on Wheels

She got it on the first try. Good thing, too, as my back had no second try in it.

This was from later on in the day:

Friday, July 13, 2007

Lessons Taught But Never Learned: A Newbie's Guide to the MOB Party

UPDATED AND BUMPED: This will be it for me today, as I see a trip to the doctor in my immediate future. I've made some small, but crucial, amendments to the rules, so be sure to update yourself before the party. See you tomorrow.

REUPDATED AND REBUMPED: (Sorry, D). JUst got home from the doctor. Fucked up my back royal. My participation in the MilF in doubt (which by no means means it is cancelled).

On the plus-side: I got prescribed a muscle relaxant. I feel groovy.

***

It's that time of the year again. A time when all members in good standing of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers and those aspiring to be such from all far-flung corners of the metro area (places like New Brighton and Apple Valley) descend on Keegan's in Nordeast to enjoy beer together. Yes, some of the best and brightest of the local blog scene along with a whole bunch of the irrelevant dregs will meet at Keegan's once again this Saturday. And judging by the long and increasingly bloated member list (the hallmark of any organization with low standards), chances are good that we'll see some new faces this Saturday.

As a public courtesy to the novices who will be attending for the first or second time, I have compiled a list of rules and etiquette tips to ensure that this party goes off with out a hitch. Veteran MOBsters are encouraged to review same. All should slavishly follow them.


* Know your place. In terms of traffic, the top 1% of MOB blogs and ThunderJournals get 99% of the total hits to member blogs. In other words, in all likelihood your blog sucks. Instead of bitching and moaning about how your betters are hogging all the traffic (or taking more than their "fair share"), why not show your appreciation to the proprietors of those blogs through whom someone once accidentally clicked over to your pathetic little site thereby doubling your traffic for the day? Should you be lucky enough encounter one of us uber-bloggers like the Nihilist in Golf Pants, Mitch Berg or Atomizer, politely introduce yourself, thank us for how our output has enriched your life, buy us a drink and be on your way. Also, please be careful to avoid eye contact at all times.

* At least one of the Night Writer's daughters is now 18 years old. Therefore, while you may ,safely legally hit on her, please ascertain which of the two is the legal one first, to avoid bodily injury.

* No singing. Despite my fervent lobbying for a MOB karaoke night, once again I have been denied. Reasons for this decision include, but were not limited to:

a) Terry Keegan didn't want to pick up the tab for the extra energy usage;

2) After JB Doubtless culled down the song catalogue to include only songs that were acceptable to him, there were only three tunes left; and

IV) LearnedFoot's karaoke stylings have been known to ignite passionate lust for him in many women who are present. To allow him to perform could risk the health of many marriages.

* No Hawaiian shirts. Only Sisyphus is allowed to wear Hawaiian shirts. Sis is one of the more popular attendees, and everyone wants to talk to him. His trademark Hawaiian shirt makes it easier for his fans to spot him in a crowd. If you get to meet Sisyphus, buy him a drink.

* Exception. Since nobody wants to talk to them, The Night Writer and our own Notorious B.I.L are allowed to wear Hawaiian shirts to make them easier to spot.

* Rubbing Andy's fuzzy head is mandatory. And, because it's been a rough year for him, buy him a drink.

* If, you happen to meet James Lileks, you must "mistakenly" address him as "Mr. Balaban" at least once. He loves that.

* No name tags. I cannot stress this enough, people. Any dweeb I see wearing a name tag will be ridiculed mercilessly on KAR, using as explicit information as necessary to allow readers to easily identify the offender, save for the URL of the offender's shitty little blog.

* To encourage Bogus Doug out of his latest blog doldrums, buy him a drink.

* During conversation, you must attribute any quote you steal from the AP or any other outside source. If you fail to do so, you must buy me a drink.

PRE-PARTY PREP: Here's a fun drinking game you can play to get yourself lubricated before the big bash:

1) Listen to the NARN broadcast the afternoon before the party.

2) Every time Mitch Berg says "ladies and gentlemen," take a drink.

3) During hours 1 and 2, every time there is an awkward silence during a guest interview, take a drink.

4) Every time King Banianiaaaiaanaianaianain uses the words "gosh darn" take 2 shots.

5) Line up a designated driver to get you to the party.

I'll update this as I think of more, and bump it to the top later in the week.

Who needs the first amendment?

Not prolifers according to Gaila Hagg Oleson of Black Earth, Wisconsin.

Parenthetically speaking – this broad most definitely has the right name, “Hagg.”

Get a load of what my nominee for “Queen Bitch of the Year” thinks about prolife billboards (with some added emphasis from me):

Even though I live in Wisconsin, I was born, raised to be independent, and educated to think for myself out on the prairies of southwest Minnesota ... and that's where my prochoice heart lies.

[Conclusion: If you are pro-choice, you can consider yourself inedpendent and educated to think for yourself. If you are prolife, you are a brainless robot brainwashed into thinking women are nothing but baby producing machines.]

So on July 3 after my 16-year-old daughter finished a tour of the University of Minnesota Duluth and we continued our trip south on Interstate Hwy. 35 to Minneapolis, it was with great sadness that I noticed that mile after mile we were being bombarded with conservative prolife billboards along the interstate

[As someone who makes that same trip several times a year I have to ask, “What the fuck is she talking about?” Prolife America (formerly Prolife Minnesota) has billboards placed along the freeway, saying one is “bombarded” is an illustration of a guilty conscience. I’ve never counted – next time I will – but there can’t be any more than 6 such billboards between Minneapolis and Duluth. Even if there are 100, what the fuck business is it of Mrs. Hagg? Is it the number she objects to, or the messages such as: A baby’s heart is beating 18 days from conception. It’s hard to kill something with a beating heart, isn’t it HAGG?

…only to be followed the next day by the headlines in the Star Tribune telling the story of how some Minnesotans are dumping their unwanted newborn babies in rivers.

[Nice misrepresentation HAGG bitch. Read the article, one murdering wench killed two of her newborns and the other came from a second "mom." HAGG BITCH would like us all to believe that moms are standing on the High Bridge waiting their turn to toss babies into the Mighty Mississippi. And she wants us all to believe that Prolife signs on Highway 35 are to blame. Mighty fine logic. I hope your daughter has more brainpower.]

Those billboards have to come down.

[Nice solution HAGG BITCH: Don't like the message, piss and shit on the first amendment. Here’s a better idea, let’s outlaw all prolife groups. You can start by burning down the MCCL headquarters and then move on to Prolife America. After that you can toss a firebomb into Catholic Charities. There must be dozens of targets. When you're done, you and your merry band of baby-killing proabortionists can dance around the corpses of all who dared to disagree with you. Wouldn't that be a blast?]

As an aside, I feel sorry for HAGG BITCH’s daughter. Unlike mother, she’s not going to be given the same opportunity to be independent, and educated to think for herself.

Mommy Dearest doesn't tolerate differeing opinions well at all.

How to Confirm to the World that You Are a Dipshit in 3 Easy Steps

1) When "discussing" the Iraq War call anyone who disagrees with you a "chickenhawk."

2) Upon discovering that the person whom you just called a chickenhawk actually served in the military, change the definition of "chickenhawk" to include only those people curently serving in Iraq, who conveniently happen to be busy with other more pressing tasks to respond to your stupidity.

3) Establish your own bona fide entitlement to your stupid opinion on the topic, by proclaiming (after much evasion) that you did indeed "serve."

In the Peace Corps.

And joila. Congratulations, you are an official dipshit.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Open Thread for Sisyphus

A place for Sisyphus to post his musings on the MOB party, the aphrodisiac effects of Iron Maiden karaoke on women, physics and whatever other socio-politico-cultural esoterica grabs his fancy.

Sisyphus only please.

UPDATE: The lack of Sisyphus is distressing. I hope he's OK.

The News in Haikus

I have a feeling
I know where next V-Tech-style
Slaughter will occur.

Police had me wrapped
Around their finger. This guy,
Must not have been there.

I've heard about MILFs
Giving head, but never taking
Head. That is, 'til now.

No beheadings at
The MilF - But slow play earns a
Top Flite enema.

In a single week,
Ryan fisks Nick and ponders poop.
Welcome back, buddy!

MinMon "reporters"
Must not be gettin' any.
Can't stop sex blogging.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Do Anarchists Dream of Feral Sheep?

Via the F-Dogs, the anarchists planning to embarrass themselves at the 2008 RNC in St. Paul have issued a press release! It's notable for two things: the parts that are funny are unintentionally so, and the parts that (I think) are meant to be witty are unintentionally sad. Let's take a look:

MN — Local anarchists and anti-authoritarians are getting ready to spring from Internet promises to real-world action; the Twin Cities based “RNC Welcoming Committee” is making early plans for the 2008 Republican National Convention to be held in St. Paul. --- A year in advance of the planned Republican dog-and-pony show, the radically minded RNC resistance group is announcing a 2007 Labor Day weekend gathering in the Twin Cities. Wittily dubbed “the pReNC,”

...

...

Oh, those wacky anarchists! So surly and "witty".

FWIW, we here at KAR have wittily dubbed the RNC Welcoming Committee as "Dementee's Big All-You-Can-Eat Buffet." Anarchists: The Other Other Other White Meat. (And I do mean white.)

the event is to feature educational workshops and a prospective strategizing session. --- Contrary to rumors, local anarchists, who do actually exist, are planning the event.

Well, duh. Those large papier mache puppets don't just make themselves.

Unlike local authorities and law enforcement, Twin Cities anarchists are organizing from the grassroots will not be relying on national bodies to oversee their plans.

Of course not. What kind of anarchist worth his purple hair dye would allow himself to be overseen by a national body?

“Web chatter vows GOP convention protests”- an article in the so-called Star Tribune,

The "so-called" Star Tribune? Does this mean that the Strib has some sort of super-secret name that only a select few in the Shadow Government and among the Corporate Fascists know about?

That's creepy. I wonder what its real name is?

a newspaper

Aha! It's a newspaper! Though, I know of many who might refer to it as a "so-called" newspaper...

quoted federal authorities and local law enforcement, and gives a glimpse of their plans.

Ooooo! Evil, nefarious plans! Do tell...

Secret Service spokesman Darrin Blackford has stated that anything being perceived as a threat will be thoroughly investigated, and St. Paul police spokesman Tom Walsh said authorities are not relying solely on internet postings for these investigations.

Oh.

They're going to protect the public. Like they're supposed to do.

That was a letdown.

Already, Dave Titus, self-proclaimed president of the St. Paul police union,

"Self-proclaimed" president of the police union. Did he take over the position by violent insurrection?

has used the controversy of internet promises to make sure that police have “all the resources [they] need” (Read: shiny, new, less-lethal weaponry).

I hope it hurts.

The RNC Welcoming Committee is seeking the opening of negotiations with federal agents and local law enforcement.

They'll be so relieved...

The group proposes an Arms Reduction Treaty with federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies, in which the group will not bring armaments of a greater destructive capacity than the ones brought by law enforcement. Spokesperson for the clearinghouse group, Robyn B.

I have a question: how does one become appointed (or "self-proclaimed") spokesperson for a group of anarchists? I mean, according to the dictionary, an anarchist is "a person who rebels against any authority, established order, or ruling power."

ANARCHIST #1: I'm the spokesperson for the group.

ANARCHIST #2: No - I'm the spokesperson!

ANARCHIST #1: Hey - you got to be spokesperson last week! It's my turn now!

ANARCHIST #2: Sorry, pal. Having "turns" suggests an established order.

ANARCHIST #1: Fine, then I'll just beat you with my baseball bat until you submit.

ANARCHIST #1: ...

ANARCHIST #1: OK - WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS STOLE MY BAT!

Anyway, the so-called Robyn B., self-proclaimed spokester for whoever the hell these vermin are says:

“We will agree to not bring our UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter with a single rotor Sikorsky S-70 and twin-General Electric T700-GE-701 free-turbine turboshaft engines, if law enforcement agree not to bring theirs.”

LEARNEDFOOT'S RULES OF NEGOTIATION

1) Always negotiate from a position of strength.

2) Establish your strong position early in the negotiation.

3) Insinuating you have resources which you obviously do not indicates that you have no position of strength. You're just a little twit with mommy issues looking for attention.

Lastly, in light of the Host Committee’s goal of raising $59 million for the Republican National Convention, the RNC Welcoming Committee has extended an offer. For a mere $5.9 million, anarchists are willing to call off all plans to protest the GOP convention from September 1st through September 4th of 2008.

I've got a dollar right here. Why don't you come over here and get it.

[The so-called, self-proclaimed] Robyn B. noted that the so-called Host Committee is struggling to meet their fundraising goals, and that “the Welcoming Committee’s offer may well be one that they cannot afford to refuse.”

OK. I give up. what's the Host Committee really called?

Don't leave me hangin', bitch.

At this time, the RNC Welcoming Committee is not releasing any other details of their plans.

Da' bitch done left me hangin'!

[The so-called, self-proclaimed] Robyn B. said, “We aren’t saying anything,”... possibly a reference to Chuck Samuelson, executive director of the Minnesota American Civil Liberties Union, who had earlier stated, “Frankly, the ones to worry about are the ones that aren’t saying anything."

"Possibly referring"? I think that's the first time I've ever seen anyone unsure about what their own utterance meant...

RNC Welcoming Committee rnc08@riseup.net www.nornc.org

Drop 'em a line and tell them a) you live in the Twin cities; and b) how many guns you own.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I Always Had Heard That Liberals Were Bad With Money

Psst? Didja hear? Some astroturf organization made a $100,000 media buy to air attack ads against Norm Coleman.

What? You have heard about it?

Oh, silly me! Of course you have! But where did you hear about it? Was it here here here here here here here here here or here?

Why did they need to buy any airtime at all with all these outlets giving it away for free? I haven't seen an ad get this much free play since Michael Jackson set his hair on fire.

It's almost like this is a news story or something.

Everybody Wants to Rule the MilF


ATTENTION ALL MilFers!!!!! A super crazy information e-mail have been sended to you!!!! Your attention kindly requested immediately!!! Please ascertain and respond at your earliest conveniencing!!! If you not receive super happy lucky email from me kindly regarding the MilF and you should have, please check evil spam folder, or likewise dropping me a line so I can send another big funny email!!! Why is I writing this posting like a zippy Nigerian Scam spammer? I am not knowing! Just check email soonest! Your reply urgently requested!!!


Free ci@ll!s - ask me how!

Why the Left Wing Cesspool Cities Annoy Me Part MCMLXXXIV

They hate freedom:

If you're thinking about setting off your personal stash of fireworks on the 4th of July, there's something you should know. Certain neighborhoods in parts of the Twin Cities will have an extra set of eyes on them.

When you celebrate the 4th of July, Saint Paul police officer Lynette Cherry may show up as a surprise guest if the celebration gets out of hand.

If I'm celebrating the birth of our nation by blowing up a small chunk of it at a party, and an "Officer Cherry" arrives at my door, more likely than not she'd be a stripper.

"I'm assigned the fireworks detail. I listen on the air for any calls related to fireworks and then I proactively patrol to see if anyone is lighting them off," Officer Cherry explains.

Officer Cherry is part of a police effort this year in Saint Paul to get tough on illegal fireworks. She works a special fireworks patrol. One squad car in each district is assigned to respond to fireworks calls over the holiday and seize illegal fireworks.

"We have zero tolerance for any illegal fireworks," Officer Cherry says.

Yet out in the benighted burbs, our cops tend to look the other way around the Fourth, save for answering the occasional "close encounter" complaint.

Well, it's not all sparklers and roses out in Apple Valley. We do have watering restrictions...

Monday, July 09, 2007

Ellison on board with 9/11 conspiracy theorists

I do believe US Congressman Keith Ellison believes the Bush Administration orchestrated the 9/11 attacks. I can draw no other conclusion.

(Did you know Ellison is black and Muslim?)

Speaking to a group of Atheists, here is what Ellison had to say about 9/11:

"It's almost like the Reichstag fire, kind of reminds me of that. After the Reichstag was burned, they blamed the Communists for it and it put the leader of that country [Hitler] in a position where he could basically have authority to do whatever he wanted. The fact is that I'm not saying [Sept. 11] was a [U.S.] plan, or anything like that because, you know, that's how they put you in the nut-ball box -- dismiss you."

Interesting stuff, dontcha think?

The only thing preventing Ellison from “saying” 9/11 was a Bush conspiracy is his fear of being called a wacko. From what I read here, however, is that he sure as hell thinks it was W and Company behind the whole affair.

This guy hasn’t stopped worshiping Louis Farrakhan. On the contrary, he’s becoming Farrakhan. The next thing you know he’ll be referring to white people devils and preaching the destruction of Jews and Israel.

Perhaps electing Ellison was a good thing. The longer he’s in Congress the more opportunities he’ll have to prove himself to be an unhinged moonbat that even the radically liberal 5th district won’t stand for.

With any luck we can make him the first black and Muslim Congressman to have his ass sent packing by voters after one term.