Friday, September 28, 2007

This is Getting Ridiculous

Surely there must be someone out there with the decency to denounce Tim O'Brien's likely refusal to denounce the Democrats for not denouncing Eric Black's non-denouncement of Media Matters' denunciation of one of our brave active duty soldiers?

Anyone?

Anyone at all?

This is madness.

The Silence is Deafening

We are still waiting for the Democrats to condemn Eric Black for not condemning Media Matters for condemning one of our brave soldiers who condemned a phony soldier for being phony.

Hell, we'll just settle for Eric Black's condemnation of Media Matters condemnation.

And while we're on the subject, we're not too confident that the Blog House will portray this accurately either.

Will the Blog House's Tim O'Brien condemn the DFL's non-condemnation of Black's non condemnation of Media Matters' vicious attack on a soldier's condemnation of a condemnable person?

And - goddam it! - I think someone owes me an apology! I think. Apologize or I will call on Ted Kennedy to condemn you, whomever you are!

Updates as they become available. Don't hold your breath.

Why Won't the DFL Denounce Eric Black for Not Denouncing Media Matters for Denouncing Active Soldier Who Denounced a Seminar Caller?

Thought that post title was stupid? You don't know the half of it.

I'm getting very tired of the Denunciation Game. You know, where one political party calls on the members of the other political party to condemn some misdeed of a third party in an attempt to create a link between the two where none exists. It's cheap politics and only tends to reel in the most obscenely stupid voter.

Just this past week we saw Norm Coleman's campaign attempt to smear in this Al Franken in one of the most deeply embarrassing stumbles we've seen this very very very so very young campaign season, by attempting to link him with MoveOn. Yet the putative Democratorian candidate for the Senate has nothing to do with -

One moment please. Memory being jogged...

Remember this?

Liberal powerhouse MoveOn has a message for the "professional election losers" who run the Democratic Party: "We bought it, we own it, we're going to take it back."

In a scathing e-mail from the head of MoveOn's political action committee to the group's supporters on Thursday targets outgoing Democratic National Committee chairman Terry McAuliffe as a tool of corporate donors who alienated both traditional and progressive Democrats.

"For years, the party has been led by elite Washington insiders who are closer to corporate lobbyists than they are to the Democratic base," said the e-mail from MoveOn PAC's Eli Pariser. "But we can't afford four more years of leadership by a consulting class of professional election losers."

Under McAuliffe's leadership, the message said, the party coddled the same corporate donors that fund Republicans to bring in money at the expense of vision and integrity.

"In the last year, grass-roots contributors like us gave more than $300 million to the Kerry campaign and the DNC, and proved that the party doesn't need corporate cash to be competitive," the message continued. "Now it's our party: we bought it, we own it, and we're going to take it back."

OK, so I guess you can link everything disgusting thing MoveOn does to Democratics on a respondeat superior theory. But I still think Coleman's ad play was incredibly dumb. And I'm not alone.

What was my point again? Oh yeah - left wingers are semiliterate jackasses.

In case you're one of the lucky few who have been able to avoid the left-wing-doofusphere, here's today's outrage on the left, brought to you by that totally intellectually honest non-astroturf outfit, Media Matters:

During the September 26 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, Rush Limbaugh called service members who advocate U.S. withdrawal from Iraq "phony soldiers." He made the comment while discussing with a caller a conversation he had with a previous caller, "Mike from Chicago," who said he "used to be military," and "believe[s] that we should pull out of Iraq." Limbaugh told the second caller, whom he identified as "Mike, this one from Olympia, Washington," that "[t]here's a lot" that people who favor U.S. withdrawal "don't understand" and that when asked why the United States should pull out, their only answer is, " 'Well, we just gotta bring the troops home.' ... 'Save the -- keeps the troops safe' or whatever," adding, "[I]t's not possible, intellectually, to follow these people." "Mike" from Olympia replied, "No, it's not, and what's really funny is, they never talk to real soldiers. They like to pull these soldiers that come up out of the blue and talk to the media." Limbaugh interjected, "The phony soldiers." The caller, who had earlier said, "I am a serving American military, in the Army," agreed, replying, "The phony soldiers."

Yeah, you know you're getting a fair portrayal of what someone said when, in the quote, ellipses nearly outnumber words.

Of course it's already been debunked (by - of all things - adding the context). So I'm just going to tear into the left-wing blog reaction, which was, of course, to call on everyone disgusted by the MoveOn "Betray-us" ad to condemn Limbaugh for calling anti-war vets "phony soldiers".

Forgive us if we don't jerk our knees to jump at the easiest short-cut to thinking that y'all are accustomed to. However, if you note the transcript (available on the above linked MM "story" - makes you wonder if they even bother to read their own drivel), you will note that Limbaugh wasn't the only one to use the term "phony soldier":

CALLER 2: I have a retort to Mike in Chicago, because I am a serving American military, in the Army. I've been serving for 14 years, very proudly.

*snip*

CALLER 2: No, it's not, and what's really funny is, they never talk to real soldiers. They like to pull these soldiers that come up out of the blue and talk to the media.

LIMBAUGH: The phony soldiers.

CALLER 2: The phony soldiers. If you talk to a real soldier, they are proud to serve. They want to be over in Iraq. They understand their sacrifice, and they're willing to sacrifice for their country.

That's right: a soldier currently serving not only used that term, but instigated its use by Limbaugh. [CAUTION LEFTIES - CONTEXT FOLLOWS - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK]: Both were castigating an earlier caller who 1) claimed he was a "Republican" and then went on to 2) poop out Democratorian talking points. When Limbaugh didn't buy that the caller was who he said he was, the caller went on to throw out the (utterly predictable) "fact" that he was a former soldier. Given that Limbaugh has a long and storied history with "seminar callers" it's hard not to see why he - or his active-duty listener (Caller 2)would be loathe to believe him.

So now that we have all these lefty bloggers calling for outrage based on a nonstory, I thought I'd return the favor. These halfwits, in sliming Limbaugh also slimed an active duty soldier who shared his sentiment. Therefore, KAR calls on The Democratorian Party to condemn (oh let's pick one, ummm - oh, how about Eric Black; he seems to be in a particular hurry to slough off what little cred he has left) Eric Black for failing to condemn Media Matters for condemning an active duty soldier by implication, who was in turn merely condemning, er, phony soldiers like Jesse MacBeth and seminar callers who want to be like him.

Oh, and by the way Eric: that's the answer to your question "What's the Definition of a 'Phony Soldier'?".

The Most Fitting Emblem Ever

Ladies and gentlemen, the new mascot for the Vikings offense:








(And yes, that is real.)

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The News in Haikus

Writer's block stomps Foot.
Nothing to write about. Let's
Poop out some haikus.


Sorry Mr. Boyd,
But "sharp elbows" don't hurt when
They're thrown by lightweights.


My guess is that Boyd's
Still angry from getting Ass
Kicked by Powerline.



In Tennessee state,
Cigarettes will become the
New moonshine. Yee-haw!


How does Ryan find
Stuff like this? I suppose it
Beats smelling like ass.


Soon, Bill can buy his
Old pad back for half of the
Price he paid for it.


Please, Bill. Please please please
Please please please buy your old house.
New neighbors suck ass.


Silky Pony sports
A spray-on tan. Now he looks
Blacker than Barack.


Not to mention that
He's also less masculine
Than the Hillary.


Wal Mart expands its
Cheap drug program; still not worth
Shopping at that dump.


Springsteen's new album
Has "peace" theme. In other news:
Foot writes "poop" a lot.


New haiku ruling:
"Bjork" is one syllable. Poll
Totally worthless.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Moron Mail

Again.

You have got to be f-ing kidding me.

Are these people really this stupid, or does their frequent hyperventilation caused by mundane events crate an oxygen deficit to the brain?

Honest to God, somebody get these shitballs a Valium, stat:

I would like to personally thank Sen. Norm Coleman for pointing out in his full-page ad on Tuesday that exercising freedom of speech is a ridiculous idea.

In addition, it is comforting to know that with his recent Senate vote he was willing to employ totalitarian means to stifle a constitutionally declared freedom of Minnesotans and Americans everywhere.

Perhaps it is time for Mr. Coleman to "move on."


JOEL JACKBONER, ST. PETER, MINN
.

First, I'd like to send a closed circuit to the Coleman campaign:

Do you really think shrinking yourselves sown to the stature of that midget Franken is actually going to help you? The sewer is the DFL's home turf, remember?

Second, what I said here.

Third, if you think that a nonbinding, sense of the Senate resolution expressing that body's dismay at the classless and intellectually bankrupt stunt the frothing moonbat cockgobblins at MoveOn pulled, is the employment of a "totalitarian tactic", then a wonder what you think about a law that is actually enforced, like, say RICO?

Are you really that shit-dumb?

Yes, yes you are Mr. Jackboner.

Top 11 Misspellings of "Ahmadinejad "

11. Ahmangreenejad

10. Admiralakbarejad

9. Ahatedajewsejad

8. Ahtomizerejad

7. Ahmeannutjob

6. Ahkabeergbajabiamilajad

5. Oprahdinejad

4. AhMoveOnejad

3. Ahbnoxiouspackerguyejad

2. Baniaiaian

1. Ahneedahandjob

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

OPG FAQ

My post yesterday has stirred some controversy. This seems as good a time as any to crack open the mailbag and respond to my fan mail.

Why don't you pony up for the NFL package? --Chad E., Bonerville

Because Foot has Dish Network and is too lazy to change over to the NFL Sunday Ticket exclusive carrier DirecTV. I don't push him though, since I at least can get Cinemax After Dark.

So why not go to one of the thirty-nine local bars showing the game like a real Packer fan? --Chad E., Bonerville

Because, you annoying little Viking fan puke, I am banned for life from 38 of those establishments. The 39th makes shitty bloody maries - only 4 jiggers of vodka.

Um, heloooo? It's spelled "bloody MarYS". --Bob D., The South

Listen Pal - when you get your third liver transplant you can spell it any way you damn well please.

Would you try your hand at a Moron Mail? Please? -- Fred Bonerman, Minneapolis

Well, this sort of thing is better left to the pros, but I think I can give it a whirl. Here's one:

He may have been a great offensive coordinator for the Eagles, but he is a rotten head coach! Simply and sadly, it's time for Brad Childress to go.

ALAN DIPSHITVIKINGFANBONER, GOLDEN VALLEY

No no no no no no NO! You moron! The Vikings need to extend Childress' contract through 2097. He should be the Vikings' coach for life! They're 3 and 10 in their last 13 games, fer cryin' out loud! Why mess with a good thing? You, Mr. Dipshitvikingfanboner - if that is your real name - are a moron.

What is your political ideology? I need to know this so I know whether or not to call you brilliant or hacktacular on my shitty little blog. - Jeff F. Eagan

As I am a mere section of LearnedFoot's id, I have no voting rights. But if you must know, I'm a card-carrying Lambeautarian

Will this OPG FAQ be cross posted at True North? --Ahndee Aye., Blaine

Shit farts ass butt orgasm.

No.

Any advice for the Pack regarding the upcoming game against the hated Purple? -- Mike M., DePere

1) Take care of the ball. Two turnovers or less, you win. Period.

2) On defense, keep their sole offensive weapon on the sideline by running Exotic Blitz Packages on every down.

Any more questions? Is that all? Good.

God bless America, and God Bless the Green Bay Packers.

This OPG FAQ is over!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Well...Duh-uh

Iranian Prez Mahmoud Ahmadineboner: In Iran, we don't have homosexuals like in your country. We don't have that in our country.

LearnedFoot: Of course you don't - you've executed all of them.

A Very Special Message to the NFL and the Networks from OPG

Dear Chuckleheads,

Once again, I was unable to watch my beloved Packers on TV up here in Viking land. That is the 3rd time in this young season - a number that matches the total number of blacked-out-Pack Sundays in recent seasons, and just one or two short of last season.

Now, if you want to leave ratings points on the table, that's your choice. I mean the Pack consistently draws just as big of a ratings share as the Purple does up here in the hinterland when both teams' games are shown. You obviously hate advertising revenue, and your heads are so far up your asses that you cannot find a way - any way - to show the Pack in one of the 6 - SIX! - televised games each week.

I mean I totally see it: how could you not push the game between two awful east coast teams that nobody gives a shit about to the 3:00 national slot? Genius!

But makes your incomprehensible, revenue shrinking scheduling decisions particularly unforgivable this week, is that I was forced to listen to the compelling and ultimately stunning Packers Chargers tilt through a thick din of static obscuring a 5-watt radio broadcast from western Wisconsin, while Fox inflicted the horrifically bad Vikings-Chiefs game on my eyes. This was a game that was so horrible, that in the 3rd quarter I actually had to stick a shrimp fork in my scrotum to make the watching of that game seem less painful. It was so bad that the most entertaining part of the game never made the telecast:



Get a clue NFL. Figure out a way to get both the Packer and Vikings games on TV up here. We're surly drunks, and we will barf spitefully on you should you fail to change your ways.

Moron Mail

*sigh*

It is once again my sad duty to add yet another installment of KAR's Remedial Constitutional Law for Retards (First Amendment Unit):

Last week's U.S. Senate condemnation of a political advertisement in a newspaper is a blatant effort to use the power of the federal government to stifle dissent. Whatever you think of the MoveOn.org ad, this vote should frighten you.

It should frighten you if you're a semi-literate knee-jerking imbecile who routinely spouts off about things of which you haven't a clue...

Last I checked, the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution forbids Congress from passing laws like this.

Check again dingleberry. No wait - I'll spell it out for you later in this post. (Such added value is what keeps several discerning ThunnderJournal consumers coming back to KAR!)

Do we really want to become a country where the citizens are afraid to challenge the military?

[Professor Frink]You should be afraid to challenge the military, what with their guns and tanks and airplanes dropping nukes on you *flaven!* [/Frink]

Where citizens are afraid to speak out at all?

Afraid of what? A Senate resolution?

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

I am especially ashamed of my Sen. Amy Klobuchar for supporting this bill.


BOB A. TREUBONER, ST. PAUL

There are 2 forms of First Amendment citation abuse: The Non Sequitur, and the misapplication. While the former is harmless, yet also invariably annoying (i.e invoking the First Amendment to defend an especially moronic statement), the later tends to reflect poorly on the civic knowledge of those to whom the sacred franchise has been entrusted. And - as is the case here - a chill besets my soul when I think of Mr. Treuboner casting his intellectually misfired vote that by law carries the same weight as mine.

To wit: the First Amendment reads in relevant part thus:

Congress shall make no law abridging the right of the People to stand in line overnight to obtain Halo 3 before all their friends do, or to want to bone Scarlett Johannsen or other such comely lasses.

Oops! ha ha! Sorry. I should know better than to pull my Constitution text from the New York Times' website (though it did seem a bit more plausible than the wikipedia entry). Here's the actual text:

Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press...

Now, in order to avoid looking like an idiot when citing other sources, it helps to remember that Every. Word. Counts. This is especially critical when applying primary law.

So armed with the knowledge the every word counts, which one word in the above quoted provision completely evaporates Mr. Treuboner's panic-stricken turd of an argument?

"Abridging".

Because you see, Mr. Treuboner, there is no constitutional infirmity, no nefarious government overreach and, I dare say, no "stifling" of "dissent" when the amendment passed by the Senate basically says, in much less colorful language than mine: "MoveOn can stick its petty little slanders right up its collective anus." That's all it really was. No penalty. No injunction. No restrictions. No (to use a Constitutional jurisprudence term) "state action".

And since the Senate is comprised of representatives of the people, who are in turn citizens of the United States protected by that same constitution themselves, one might also argue (much more successfully than Treuboner does) that the Senate itself is exercising its collective First Amendment rights by slamming MoveOn for it's damn-near libelous ad in a "Sense of the Senate" nonbinding resolution. Given all this, just one question remains before we can forever banish Mr. Treuboner's little hissy fit to the Dustbin of Intellectual Vacancy:

Why does Bob A. Treuboner hate free speech?

Friday, September 21, 2007

Why Does NonMonkey Flatiron the Truth?

NOTE: The following post is the second-ever joint multifisking of a NonMonkey column, and is a practice that is reserved for his most especially rancid brain turds. (The first NonMonkey MultiFisk can be read here.) Joining me once again for this momentous occasion is noted poop fabricator Ryan Rhodes, and KAR's very own resident bagpipe repairman The Head of Alfredo Garcia.

FOOT: In the immortal words of those troubadour-philosophers Iron Maiden, "Feel like I've been here before":

When you consider how the old Interstate 35W bridge looks these days, there is an irony in the name of the company picked to build a new one: Flatiron.

RYAN: Honest to God, Nick Coleman could see nonexistent irony in practically anything. Bath water? Irony. Broccoli? That's irony. Gravel pit? You better believe that's an irony.

GARCIA: "When you consider what a homely man Nick Coleman is, there is an irony that he took up with a woman named "Billings".

"Flatironed" is what we got on Aug. 1. And what you get when you cross Carol Molnau.

RYAN: Look, Nick. Buddy. Pal. Firstly, flatiron is not a verb. It is a noun, and not a particularly well-known one at that. Nextly, you're not allowed to make it a verb, not even for the purposes of conjuring an outrageously hamfisted lead paragraph. Thirdly, you're a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE writer.

FOOT: Indeed one could easily imagine him writing something like: "The first President Bush told a reporter that he hated broccoli. Now the second President Bush is broccoliing America."

Heh.

GARCIA: It could be a synonym - given my previous comment (which I'm trying to gargle out of my brain by pouring "Scope" in my ear cavities), "Flatironed" could be a synonym for "nerfiness". IfyaknowwhatImean.

"Steamrollered" works, too.

RYAN: *blink* *blink* Look, if you're not going to take this seriously. . .

Seven weeks after the catastrophic collapse of a highway bridge on her watch, Lt. Gov. Molnau defiantly remains in her politically motivated posting as Tim Pawlenty's transportation commissioner, and has even worked up the nerve to show up in public again.

RYAN: Yeah, the nerve of a public official, showing up in. . . PUBLIC. And she should have resigned, too, damnit! Everyone in the state should have resigned! That bridge collapse is the fault of every single person on the planet who isn't Nick Coleman!

FOOT: Aren't all executive cabinet appointments "politically motivated." You know - a politician appointing folks to political posts. I wonder if anything his dimwit brother does as St. Paul mayor is ever "politically motivated"?

GARCIA: I think Rudy Perpich's transportation commissioner stepped from a burning bush with a holy calling...

FOOT: Politically motivated or no, given said mayor's desire to build 3 new hockey rinks because he "played hockey as a kid" while simultaneously claiming that the taxpayers of Minnesota - to say nothing of those of Saint Paul (I'm saying nothing of them because they deserve everything they get for putting this gerbil into office) - aren't being sufficiently tax raped broccolied, we can throw "stupid" in there as well.

Molnau was on hand, briefly, at Wednesday's weird awarding of a $233 million bridge contract (that could reach as much as $260 million) to the highest bidder, Flatiron Construction, of Colorado. She made some introductory remarks, then sat, alone, in the back of the room, disappearing before questions came up and the whole crazy rush to get a new bridge built in order to get the ruins of the old one off our minds started to unravel.

RYAN: Oh, those crazy rushes to get a major metropolitan artery back up and functioning. Crazy, crazy, CAH-RAZY. Can you imagine if Coleman were a heart surgeon? He'd just kind of stand there in front of an open chest, lingering over a clogged artery, marveling at how cloggity clogged it was, paying due diligence to the ramifications of such a clog, and considering which processed food company was most to blame for the cloggification (yes, I'm making up words, because if Nick can, I can).

FOOT: Wow, Ryan - you really broccolied him!

Quick ThunderJournal Poll for our multifiskers: What is the appropriate amount of time to leave a big hole where a major commercial/transportation thoroughfare once was, allowing traffic to languish, before starting to think about forming a committee to look into the possibility of maybe hiring a consultant to knead his chin and propose an inquest into the cost-benefit analysis of maybe taking a proposal to the legislature asking them to pass a resolution calling for the rebridgification of the 35W gap?

From what I'm getting, according to NonMonkey and other DFLians who've gotten the memo, the answer is...well, longer than 45 days.

GARCIA: And if you don't, you'll get Colemanned.

FOOT: Meanwhile, according to the drooling turds in the left-o-sphere, Pawlenty taking a week to call a special session to address the floods in southeastern Minnesota was glacially slow.

Flatiron was the most expensive bidder, the only one with no strong Minnesota construction experience, and its plan equalled the longest timetable to build a secret bridge -- the design of which has not been unveiled and has not been approved by the city, which must sign off on the project.

GARCIA: Maybe some of the decisionmakers were Billingsed into their decision? Or perhaps they tried to Billings, but they flatironed.

Surprise, surprise: The other bidders are now objecting.

RYAN: Yeah, wow, bidders who didn't get a lucrative and high profile bid are objecting. Consider me adequately shocked.

FOOT: Yes, Ryan, shocking indeed. But the real issue here (according to this butt cheek) is whether any of those losing bidders had Minnesota bridge experience. Because everyone knows that bridge engineering is so much trickier out here in the Canadian Shield (that's a geology term, NM, look it up) than it is constructing a bridge in, say, the San Francisco Bay area - an area known for it's tectonic stability!

Sure the wide variations of temperature make for unique conditions here that may require special components in the design, but since I - a mere ink-besotted ThunderJournalist - have already thought of that, I'm not too worried about a company that's doing the design-build on a project like this from figuring it out.

"Minnesota bridge experience". I challenge anyone to find a NonMonkey remark stupider than that one.

Wait - I take that back:

You look at this mess and you get the idea that the Pawlenty-Molnau administration wants Aug. 1, 2007, to fade into the rear-view mirror of history as fast as possible.

RYAN: No, Nick. YOU get that idea. Most people who have more than a single neuron firing would get the idea the administration wants to move forward and get a new, safe bridge up and running. Only in your addled, simplistic mind is it a case of sweeping something under the bed.

FOOT: I wonder what NonMonkey thinks of the editorial decisions of many TV networks who decided to stop showing the footage of planes flying into the WTC. Given his abusive relationship intellectual honesty, I'd say he was "fer it".

If she ran a railroad this way, Molnau would be trying to find a box car to ride in.

GARCIA: And if the Strib ran MNDOT and made you the project manager, bridges would stop in the middle and collapse from the weight of their own unsupported...trusses.

Molnau was in China when the bridge -- which was structurally deficient and in the midst of a critical inspection that had been suspended and was a cheap substitute for the more expensive fix that had been recommended by consultants -- fell into the Mississippi and killed 13 people.

FOOT: KAR NONMONKEY FACT CHECK

1) NonMonkey continues to use the technical term "structurally deficient" as a synonym for "about to fall down." At this point in time, only the willfully ignorant still hold that view. That NM is one of them should surprise no one.

2) We have two lies of omission crammed into a single sentence here:

a) The inspection was suspended to allow construction on the bridge deck of this horribly neglected bridge; and

b) The "more expensive fix" NonMonkey mentions was scrapped primarily because officials feared that course of action would further weaken the bridge before restabilizing it. This particular repair entailed drilling more holes into the girders, so that decision wasn't really all that counter-intuitive. Again only the willfully ignorant believe this crap.

RYAN: Holy non-sequiter nonsensicalities, Batman! So, wait a minute, let's see if I can understand this kind of logic, which is a scary undertaking in its own right: Molnau should have been in Minnesota because there was a bridge deemed deficient that was being inspected, even though bridges deemed "deficient" aren't necessarily considered collapse risks, and a more expensive fix (which, by the way, was itself considered a risky move because it could have, in fact, further weakened the bridge, hence the inspection option) would have saved the world, or something.

FOOT: Ryan, if there's anything you've learned from this it should at least be this:

It's spelled "non sequitUr."

RYAN: Hey now. I'm allowed to make up words, remember? And that includes incorrect spelling.

GARCIA: Well, the real problem is now that Carol Molnau is going to have to put a house on the north ramp to the Lafayette Bridge, which is "48 percent", which in NonMonkey's world means he has a 52 percent chance of getting steamrollered on his way home to get Billingsed.

When she returned, she jousted with reporters and seemed annoyed that anyone would question her leadership, and implied that everything would be OK if the media would report about all the people who made it safely across a bridge.


RYAN: Oh, she "seemed" annoyed, did she Nick? According to? Oh, according to you? To your credit, I suppose it's possible she was annoyed, having seen your cynical, ignorant, biased, talentless mug peering at her over your bifocals. For her, it must have been like being forced to answer questions from the kid wearing the cone shaped hat sitting in the corner.

Since then, Molnau has been harder to find than a quick way home from work.

FOOT: Yet we're hurrying - what was the term? steamrolling? - to rebuild this bridge.

RYAN: No, not steamrolling. . . STEAMROLLERING. Actually, Nick wrote "steamrollered." Yes, I suppose it's an actual word, but I'd never seen until today.

GARCIA: This is what happens when you step into a logical boyd.

Er, void.

Er, both!

She didn't show up in Washington for a Sept. 5 congressional hearing on bridge safety, sending her deputy, Bob McFarlin, instead. Flunky McFarlin, representing the grieving state of Minnesota, told lawmakers it was far too early to know what to do about bridges mysteriously falling into rivers.

FOOT: [typing slowly for the Nick-level intellects out there] And that is because


We.



Don't.



Know.



Why.




The.



Bridge.




Fell.





Yet.








You.







Fucking.


(Ryan: what was that word you used last week?)


RYAN: "Assnozzle"?



FOOT: Right. "Assnozzle."







You.








Fucking.








Assnozzle.



Especially if it involves gas taxes. That's Molnau's M.O., all right: "Let's Do Nothing."


GARCIA: Now wait, Nick - you're steamrollering me. Did the administration "Do Nothing", or did it "steamroller" to rush a bridge design through?

Or in the logical boyd, are contradictions the norm?

FOOT: Aaaaaaand once again, NM makes the leap from not knowing why the bridge collapsed ("mysteriously") to knowing that a gas tax would have prevented it. Or something.

This is called "knowing stuff".

RYAN: Also, as has been pointed out many, many, MANY times, there was, in fact, money in the budget for repairs, so Nick is basically advocating a gas tax that would throw an even bigger pile of money on top of the adequate amount of money that was already there.

Also, be sure to note how it's possible for Nick to complain about a new bridge being approved and built too fast within paragraphs of him complaining Molnau's M.O. is "Let's do nothing."

NICK COLEMAN: That's not fair! Stop pointing out how stupid and illogical I am!

RYAN: Quiet, old man. You'll take this fisking up the assnozzle and you'll LIKE IT.

GARCIA: Unless he's too flatironed to billings.

FOOT: I'll bet it's his aftershave...

It has been adopted by her subordinates, including Molnau's emergency manager, a wandering traveler named Sonia Kay Morphew Pitt, who was enjoying an East Coast jaunt at taxpayer expense when the bridge fell and who didn't return home for 10 days, although it was her job to coordinate things in an emergency.

FOOT: Given the way the aftermath was handled (notwithstanding certain Kool Aid bedraggled letter writers), I merely see another government salary that can be eliminated.

RYAN: *grumble* Can't believe Foot beat me to the point about the excellent handling of the aftermath. *grumble*

Pitt is now on leave, or perhaps in hiding, and under investigation, although it appears the "investigation" is as much damage control as inquiry.

GARCIA: So which is it?

If she didn't come home because she thought she didn't need to, she should lose her job. If a superior told her she didn't need to, that person should lose his or her job.

Oh Molnau, Where Art Thou?

In Washington yesterday, Sen. Barbara Boxer got in the face of U.S. Transportation Secretary Mary Peters after Peters claimed there is no transportation safety crisis in America. Like Molnau, Peters says she thinks things are going swimmingly, and they are: Sometimes, we have to swim for it.

FOOT: You know, this is one of the more subtle short cuts to thinking we see from lefties. Any malady that makes the news twice within a single cycle is a crisis. Remember the "Bird Flu crisis"?

Anyone?








Anyone?








Buhler?



We need more angry Boxers.

GARCIA: My boxers aren't angry, but then I haven't flatironed when I've tried to billings. Although it happens to everyone sometimes, they say, bigfella.

And fewer huggers. It's time to stop holding hands and start holding people responsible. It wasn't only a bridge that fell down on the job.

FOOT: Others who fell down on the job: a certain metro columnist who continually mistakes rage for well-founded opinion, ignorance for fact, and his morning turd for a column.

RYAN: That's being awfully insulting to morning turds.

GARCIA: Ooh! "Morning Turds Get Colemanned!"

But I'm trying to figure this out; what's the difference between getting colemanned and fecke'd?

Public government, including Carol Molnau's Department of Transportation -- once one of Minnesota's proudest achievements -- is collapsing.

FOOT: Oh gag.

RYAN: Yeah, "gag" pretty much sums it up.

GARCIA: Whoah! When was MNDOT ever one of "Minnesota's Proudest Achievements?"

Is this more of that "stuff" that Coleman "knows?"

Right before our eyes.

FOOT: Bring us on home Head...

GARCIA: It's no wonder the Strib, lost in a logical boyd, is billingsed up the spotty.

FOOT: Tee hee!

Patience Shall be Rewarded

Working on a very special NonMonkey fisking. Up later. Please bear with us...

NOTE: If you were planning on fisking today's sputum from Nick on your own ThunderJournal, don't bother. Ours will be the definitive fisking.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Moron Mail

Once again, everybody's favorite short, hairy and perpetually horny tax crusader gets mistaken for someone with actual power by an idiot:

Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak and all Minnesotans are right to be embarrassed about the handling of the aftermath of the Interstate 35W bridge collapse.

Whoa! "All Minnesotans" are "right to be embarrassed"? Did I miss a poll or something while I was on vacation? And we're supposed to be "embarrassed' about what part of the handling of the aftermath, exactly?

I mean, sure, I can see RT being embarrassed. He is, after all, a dumbass - a DFLic dumbass. But for us sentient human beings out here, what exactly has gone so terribly wrong?

The bodies have all been recovered.

The injured have all been treated.

The NTSB has commenced its investigation.

The secondary effects of the disaster (i.e. where does all the traffic go?) were dealt with (as best as can possibly be done) in an almost superhuman amount of time.

The river has reopened to barge traffic.

Funding for a new bridge has all but been appropriated.

A large chunk of said funding has been obtained from the Federal government.

And we've now got a contractor to build the new bridge.

And its only been a month and a half. If that's embarrassing, then your definition of "embarrassing" is dumb.

Sometime in the past we apparently elected David Strom governor, and appointed Tim Pawlenty to do his bidding.

Or maybe - just maybe - there are more people out there in addition to David Strom that think that a $55 billion budget is bloated enough, thank you very much. I know, I know: that's a totally indefensible position.

And just as an aside: if Strom had actually been elected governor, he'd have been thrown out of office because of sexual harassment lawsuits before he had enough time to implement any policy.

If we want to avoid future embarrassment, as well as tragedy, then Minnesota needs to be run by pragmatic necessity rather than blind ideology.

ROBERT ALBONER, MINNEAPOLIS

I agree. I think we should run this state by pragmatic necessity rather than blind ideology. For example, we now have a large hole where the state's busiest bridge used to be. The main thoroughfare to downtown Minneapolis, the airport and other points south from the north and northeastern parts of the metro has been rendered unusable, clogging traffic, costing money and hindering commerce.

Here's what some DFLicers have to say about the urgency to remedy that situation:

Several DFL legislators also used Wednesday's event to argue that MnDOT is speeding ahead even as taxpayers' confidence in both Molnau and Gov. Tim Pawlenty had waned in the days since the collapse.

Wait! There's that meme again. What is the evidence for this? (No I'm serious, I've been out of the loop for the past week.) Is this yet another Democratosian talking point lie borne on some party memo to be repeated until it takes on the mirage of fact? You know, like the accusations of Patraeus being a liar being pooped out before he ever issued any report - among many many others. Or has there been some dip in poll numbers resulting from the incessant repeating of some other talking point lie?

Or perhaps its some sort of ESP or intuition that only narcissistic douchebags are capable of...

"Does Minnesota have confidence in those folks?" asked Rep. Jeremy Kalin, DFL-Lindstrom. "I'm hearing not."

I'm going to go with the narcissistic douchebag ESP.

In any event, I'm going to go ahead and assume that the DFLic is afraid of speeding ahead with fixing this critical stretch of freeway because they haven't had sufficient time to climb over the dead bodies to blame the GOP. The first round of recriminations obviously haven't taken.

I know I know: call me a narcissistic douchebag...

Your Reynold's Wrap Top Chef Wrapup

Having left the Kenmore Kitchen in Miami for New York via Continental Airways, (and casting off C.J. along the way), the Top Chefs - brought to you by Bravo (a General Electric joint) - finally were winnowed down to the Fantastic Four (buy it on DVD or Blu-Ray today!) last night.

Last night's Ex-Lax Elimination Challenge required the five remaining chefs to create a delectable meal for the faculty of the French Culinary Institute incorporating three basic ingredients: a delicious and juicy Gold'n Plump chicken, Idaho Russet Potatoes, and Vidalia Yellow Onions. The chefs were afforded 4 hours to create their dishes, except for Hung, who got an extra half hour for winning the JiffyLube Quickfire Challenge.

The results were uneven. Hung and The Playboy Hot Chick excelled, and Brian impressed the judges with his neon-green Stouffer's peasant pie. Unfortunately, the faux-hawked Great Clips Dale and Jamaica Visitors Bureau Sara found themselves in the Kohler Fixtures Bottom Two. Dale's cuisine suffered from a muddled concept as well as his inexplicable failure to add his sauce to it before serving it. Sara undercooked her chicken - an obvious result of not using Calphalon cookware.

In the end, the inexcusable act of serving raw chicken earned Sara the Red Wing Boot in the Ass at the Williams-Sonoma Judges' Table. Feeling both disappointed but relieved, Sara packed up her Wustoff Knives and hopped into a Toyota Rav-4 heading for the airport, while the remaining four sipped Korbel Champaign.

The editorial staff hoists a Guinness in tribute to 4 contestants appearing in the Bravo Network's Top Chef Season Three finale, brought to you by E-Chemistry!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Power of Strong Odors: Purple-Faced Aspersion Caster Joins MinnMoni

I was apparently premature. [RUN ON SENTENCE ALERT!] After I snapped out of my rapture resulting from the news that Jim Boyd had joined the local well-funded left wing propaganda pooper-outer and the implications that the move would lead to a nearly inexhaustible supply of ThunderJournaling material into the indefinite future, I clicked the "read more" link to discover that likely would not be the case. Turns out that Boyd is replacing Some Other Guy in the position of MinnMoni "Editorial Mentor" or some such nonsense. Since I never saw The Last Guy's name attached to any posts, I have to believe that Boyd's input will be limited to holding the "reporting" "staff's" "dicks."

And while this may be a disappointing turn of events, I think there still may be fun to be had. Perhaps new interactive games like "Find the Boyd Influence in this Post". For example, take this pre-Boyd era paragraph that I just randomly plucked off the front page of MinnMon today:

On the Republican side, several more potential candidates have been floated, but multiple sources have indicated that the right of first refusal to frontrunner status probably goes to State Rep. Erik Paulsen. He has worked for the congressman and has long been a Ramstad protege. Even if Ramstad makes no public displays of support, his private assistance would go a long way toward pushing Paulsen over the top.

Going forward under Boyd's influence, that same graf might read thus:

On the Republican side, several more potential empty-headed wingnuts have been falling out of trees, but multiple sources have indicated that the right of first refusal to frontrunner status probably goes to likely Bush crone and Swift Boater State Rep. Erik Paulsen. He has worked for the congressman and has long been a Ramstad bobo. Even if Ramstad makes no public displays of support, his private assistance would go a long way toward pushing Paulsen over the top, allowing him to continue Bush's illegal war based on lies.

It could be like a scavenger hunt - he or she who finds the most Boydisms in a given day wins. Fun!

For those of you out-of-staters and others who read KAR just for the poop humor, it's hard to describe just how big of an assnozzle this guy is. A good place to start would be here (or more pointedly here) (WARNING! LINK TO POWERLINE!). He's a pompous ass who thinks his mere assertion of a fact makes it Gospel truth. He believes that a forcefully angrily delivered and deeply felt opinion peppered with base insults cannot possibly be stupid. And he goes around sliming and questioning the motives of others who dare to challenge his self-constructed (and usually deeply stupid IMHO) orthodoxy, while at the same time having the temerity to label them as immoral partisan slime merchants.

Come to think of it, he's a perfect fit for a lefty blog.

UPDATE: He just left this howler of a comment on the thread announcing his new post:

Eric Ringham, the commentary editor, worked hard to develop a package of articles each day that mixed viewpoints and topics, and this arbitrary rule threw a huge monkey wrench into his effort.

Um. I think what he means by "mixed viewpoints" is that there was a representative sample of "thought" from the left and from the far far left gnat-infested hair moonbat nutroots.

Give a Holla if You Can Help a Brutha Out

I need to convert a Quicktime (.mov) video file to a Windows media file (.wm, .wmv, .avi, etc.).

Can anybody out there do this? Drop me a line if you can. Thanks.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

THANK YOU JEEBUS!

Fellow ThunderJournalists, Mere Bloggers, Dear Readers:

This, my friends, is a gift from God.

Kool Aid Toast to Minnesota Monitor Monitor, ahem (wht's his name again? -oh yeah) Master o' None

Material! Sweet, sweet ThunderJournal material!

A-List Subliminal Pr0n?

This from Captain's Quarters today:
Hugo Plays Hide The Salami - Michael Stickings ...Chavez’ slow
push ...Chavez hopes to hold off any strong reaction to his...grab...his
shoulder[.]

He...sees Chavez...Venezuelan salami and wonder how long it will take before...start to choke on it.

But what about the children?

How long can "mild-mannered" Ed get away with this?

I Heart (Hilton) Head

I do my late-summers, early-autumns in Hilton Head (for four days). I like to escape the seasonal mid-to-high sixties of Minnesota and bask in the sultry and humid mid-eighties air of the coastal island. In fact, as I type this now, I wonder why the hell I came back.

The Island was visited by Captain William T. Hilton in 1663. He was so taken by the place that he named it after himself, and at this point I stopped reading the brochure, as I was certain that nothing in it had to do with my primary reasons for visiting the island, namely: food, booze, beaches, sex and golf.

Speaking of golf, I played the lovely and extremely well-bunkered Robbers Row course at the Port Royal Golf Club. The course is partially situated on the area of an old Union fort that was erected there after that army's successful taking of the island in 1861 at the battle of Port Royal. The eponymous "Robbers Row" was actually a street adjacent to the fort, in which con men and entrepreneurs set up shop in an attempt to extract as much cash from the Union soldiers stationed there and at this point I stopped reading the historical monuments as I was sure that there would be nothing on them regarding food, booze, beaches, sex and golf. In any case, the scorecard affixed to the steering wheel of my cart partially filled the void.

Aside from the golf, the booze, beautiful beaches and the, er, sex, the seafood was abundant and delicious. Which was unfortunate as I learned that if I eat too much shellfish, I get the squirts something fierce. Notwithstanding, I enjoyed an enormous mound of (incredibly seasoned) peel-and-eat shrimp whilst watching the Pack stomp the thuggish Giants at the resort's bar on Sunday. And now, I can't see myself doing it any other way, diarrhea be damned.

Oh, and I forgot the camera, but here's a shot I probably would have taken anyway. (WARNING: Extremely safe for work.)

But on Monday, our last day on the Island, I heard the horrible news from Las Vegas. While struggling to comprehend the tragedy that took place there through my garbled perception of reality (2 bloody maries, 1 beer), I penned the following prose poem on a vomit comet plane bound for the Twin Cities in a fit of amusement, inspired by our old pal, Bill Holm.

Seafood diarrhea is the metaphor here, at once vile, but also cleansing of our bowels. What does this tell us about ourselves?

That you shouldn't eat too much she crab soup with Junglings Lager.

September 17, 2007 - Las Vegas News

Late summer / early autumn in Hilton Head.
Humid mid-eighties feed my soul.
Don't ever want to leave you.
Oh, wondrous paradise named by and for Captain William Hilton!
I love you for your food, booze, beaches (sex) and golf.

Golf - ah there's the ticket!
Ground my club at Robbers Row.
Ball richoceting off magnolias
that shade an old Civil War fort (and the con men who serviced it).
My memory fails at the rest: no booze, food, beaches, or sex.
The ThunderStick fails me too!
But my scorecard offers respite.

Cursed shellfish! Thy flavour sweet, delicious.
Only to betray me in the wee hours -
Poop, literally from the bowels of hell.
I defy you!
I shall sup on shrimp once more,
while watching the Pack triumph.

Hark! What's this on the Today Show
While I pack my soiled garments away for flight?
OJ!
Arrested!
Again!

OJ says
He!
Didn't!
Do!
It!
Again!

And here I am, a thousand miles from my ThunderJournal.
And I have to poop.
Again!
(Damned shrimp!)

In a time when the Strib
Can find stupid ways to run stupider op-eds,
Why can't we free
OJ,
So he can find the real armed robber?

Back From the Head

Had a wondeful time. So much so, that I wrote a prose poem about it. Would you like to hear it?

You would? Great!

Later...

Friday, September 14, 2007

A Time For Flatus

It's time for us here at Kool Aid Report to set things straight. And when the boss is out of town, that job falls to me.
Last week, his footly learnedness and my boss Learned Foot posted an excoriation of John Edwards.
Someone or other on the editorial staff of True North got a case of the vapors because, fully in character with the entire history of his persona as a blogger, Foot suffused his analysis with references to butt cheeks.
This should have surprised nobody.
But in the wake of the kerfuffle that ensued, a bunch of people who should have known better asked us, here at KARNation, "What? Aren't you really conservatives? Don't you really believe in the movement?"

And the fact is, we uneasily straddle two worlds; serious conservatism, and poopblogging.
So it's high time we at KAR set the record straight, and draw our line in the sand. To wit, and to serve as this blog's "mission statement" I shall perform a dramatic interpretation of Ronald Reagan's classic "A Time For Choosing", adapted to the Kool Aid Report.

Ahem:

I have spent most of my life as a dick. I recently have seen fit to follow another course. I believe that the issues confronting us cross lines between cool people and spazzwads. Now, one side in this campaign has been telling us that the issues of this election are the maintenance of peace and boobies. The line has been used "We've never had it so good."

But I have an uncomfortable feeling that this lack of stench isn't something on which we can base our hopes for the future. No nation in history has ever survived a burrito that consumed a third of its national beans. Today, 37 cents of every dollar earned in this country goes to taxes, and yet our government continues to spend $17 million a day more than the government takes in in the form of poop. We haven't purged our colons for 28 out of the last 34 years. We have raised our legs and let fly three times in the last twelve months, and now our national stench is one and a half times bigger than all the combined stenches of all the nations in the world. We have 15 billion cubic feet of methane in our basements --we don't ventilate an ounce. Foreign damage claims are $27.3 billion, and we have just had announced that the dollar of 1939 looks funny when you draw Jeff Fecke's picture on it.

As for the wango tango that we would preserve, I wonder who among us would like to approach the roommate whose roommate has shared a bathroom with Larry Craig and ask them if they think this is a woodie that should be maintained indefinitely. Do they mean "wood", or do they mean we just want to be left in woodiness? There can be no real wood while one American is cock-blocked some place in the world for the rest of us. We are at war with the most dangerous enemy that has ever faced mankind in his long climb from the swamp to the stars, and it has been said if we lose that war, and in doing so lose this way of freedom of ours, history will record with the greatest astonishment that those who had the most to lose did nothing but massage their butt cheeks. Well, I think it's time we ask ourselves if we still smell the poop that was left for us by the Founding Fathers.

Not too long ago two friends of mine were talking to Ryan Rhodes, a businessman who had escaped from Rochester, and in the midst of his story one of my friends turned to him and said, "Jeez, do you use paper when you wipe?" And Ryan stopped and said, "No". In that sentence he told us the entire story. If we lose freedom to poo at will here, there is no place to escape to. This is the last stand on Earth. And this idea that government is beholden to the anal-retentive, that it has no other source of fiber except eating copies of the Strib, is still the newest and most
unique idea in all the long history of man's relation to his colon. This is the issue of this erection. Whether we believe in our capacity for self-abuse or whether we abandon the Packers and confess that a little intellectual elite in a far-distant capital can plan our bowel movements for us better than we can plan them ourselves.
You and I are told increasingly that we have to choose between a left or right, but I would like to suggest that there is no such thing as a left or right. There is only diarrhea or constipation --up to a man's age-old dream, the ultimate in individual freedom consistent with loud flappy farts --or down to the ant heap anal-retentiveness, and regardless of their sincerity, their humanitarian motives, those who would trade our skid-marked tighty-whiteys for security have embarked on this downward course.

In this back-hair-harvesting time, they use terms like the "Great Regularity," or as we were told a few days ago by the Minnesota Monitor, we must accept a "greater government activity in the affairs of our colons." But they have been a little more explicit in the past and among themselves--and all of the things that I now will quote will shortly have appeared in print under Jeff Fecke's byline, unattributed in any way.

These are not Republican accusations.

If you and I have the courage to tell our elected officials that we want our national policy based upon what we know in our butt cheeks is morally right. We cannot buy our security, our freedom from the threat of the silent but deadly by committing an immorality so great as saying to a billion now in slavery behind the Iron Curtain, "Give up your dreams of corn poop because to save our own skin, we are willing to make a deal with your fiber vendors." Alexander Hamilton said, "A nation which can prefer disgrace to a good toxic waste dump is prepared for a master, and deserves one." Let's set the record straight. There is no argument over the choice between peace and war, but there is only one guaranteed way you can have peace--and you can have it in the next second--being a douchebag with hairy butt cheeks.

That should set the record straight.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Open Thread to Post Prose-Poetry and Haikus About Bjork

Yeah - I don't know why either...

Open Thread for Ryan

The well-crafted ass musings of Mr. Rhodes only, please.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

The main event.

Sisyphus only, please.

Open Thread for Mitch Berg

One mention of Springsteen, and Mitch forfeits the exclusivity of this thread.

Open Thread for Captain Ed

Hey! That rhymes.

Ed only, please.

Open Thread to Discuss Other Open Threads

Wheeeeeee!

Open Thread for John Hinderaker

John Hinder-

Oh, who am I kidding?

Open Thread for KAR Komment Trolls

Bob Dukiet, mgehrity, Stone, Troy, etc. Whatever.

Open Thread for Teh Meyer

Andde onleee, pleeze.

Open Thread for Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo

Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo only, please.

Open Thread for Swiftee and Discordian Stooge to Call Each Other Names

Swiftee and Stoogie only please.

Open Thread for the Night Writer

[Sean Connery] Mishtah Shtewaht only, please. [/Connery]

Open Thread for Discordian Stooge

I'm concerned that this may be in too close of proximity to Swiftee's thread....

Stooge only please.

Open Thread for Swiftee

Swiftee only, please.

Good God, what have I done...

Open Thread for Kevie

Guns and Immigration. Immigration and guns.

Kevie only, please.

Open Thread for Chad the Elder

Kind of like the Open Thread for Eva Young, except those actually are Chad's comments.

Open Thread for Eva Young

Fake Evas only, please.

Open Thread for the Nihilist in Golf Pants

...to bitch about Notre Dame, no doubt.

Open Thread for Atomizer

Atomizer only, please.

Burning Off Some Loose Ends Before Vacay

Tomorrow the Mrs. and I are jetting off to Hilton Head for a post-cancer treatment / birthday (Mrs. Foot's) retreat. Child care has been arranged. The tee times have been booked. The Swedish Marital Aids have been packed. All that's left s to sit on the tarmac for three hours while they repair something on the plane.

So here's the last post from me 'til Tuesday, and there's some unfinished business that needs to be tended to.

POLL RESULTS:

* The following bloggers and ThunderJournalists should expect to receive their press credentials for the 2008 RNC (Hey - Brodkorb - make it happen):

1) Gary Miller

1.5) Gary Miller's shades

2) Mitch Berg

3) LearnedFoot & Bobo (NOTE TO GOP: You only need to credential Foot; Bobo's a fictional monkey that travels in my pants)

4) Captain Ed (Wow - surprise upset there)

5) Sisyphus

QUESTION: Will the beer stands at the Excel be open during the convention? I ask only because a lack of access to beer could adversely affect my coverage.

* Would you read a post that had "Butt Cheeks" in the title?

71% -- I'd be a fool not to!

29% -- Inexplicably visit KAR and answer poll questions.

HOUSEKEEPING

Even though I've been leaning a little too heavily on The Head to fill in during my absences, and thus have accordingly afforded him this weekend off, don't think for a moment that I will allow this magnificent ThunderJournal to lie fallow while I'm gone.

Instead of tapping a fill in, I'm gonna take KAR all open source on yer asses. Yes! there'll be a series of dedicated open threads for all those regular KAR Kommenters you've come to know and ignore. Use 'em all weekend, but please restrict your comments to your own open thread.

Didn't get an open thread? Then post your comments to the open thread dedicated to discussing things on the other open threads. If I were a hipster doofus, I'd say "that's so meta". But I'm not, so I'll just say this:

Poop fart booger poop boobies.

And, Come to Think of It, None of Them Bathe Either

Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer wallowing in his own little reality:

So Osama bin Laden released a tape last week. You may have heard about it, what with all the screaming and pants wetting and fawning obsession that it was greeted with by the right-wing types. [Smarmy overgeneralizing porcine assholishness in original.]

Er, yeah. He is, of course, basing that "observation" on an earlier "story" "written" by, well, himself, in which he found one - one! - "right-wing" type fitting that description:

Some conservative bloggers were too busy reacting in fear to worry about bin Laden's politics, whatever they may be. Reliapundit at The Astute Bloggers, meanwhile, focused on bin Laden's reference to Hiroshima, saying, "I DON'T THINK HE BRINGS UP HIROSHIMA TO PROVE WHEN HE MADE THE TAPE. I THINK IT'S A NUCLEAR THREAT. I THINK HE'S SAYING THAT SINCE WE USED THEM ON OTHERS, IT'S OKAY IF HE USES THEM ON US. [Caps in original.]"

But fair enough. Let's create or own reality just like Jeffie.

All people who want to abandon the effort in Iraq immediately, are psychotic axe murderers.

Porky, psychotic axe murderers.

KAR STYLE SHEET CHANGE: From now on, whenever any KARnie or commenter mentions anti-war persons, they shall refer to said persons as "psychotic axe murderers with weight issues."

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Sad Hummingbird of Retardation

I spend my summers in Minnesota, except for this Thursday through Monday, when I will spend that particular interval in Hilton Head South Carolina; and there's also that brief stretch in June where I cottage in northern Wisconsin. My trade is law and I try to ply my trade on a daily basis, lest my employer sack me, requiring me to live under a structurally deficient bridge eating garbage and mayflies. I sometimes go minutes, sometimes hours, without internet access. The silence can be blessed, allowing my mind to escape the paranoid rantings and arrogant proclamations of truth from some morbidly obese jerkwad who gets paid by well heeled liberals to weblog.

I wrote the following prose poem novella haiku photo essay on September 11, after reading a semi-coherent prose poem on the op-ed page of the Minneapolis Star and Tribune. At first I thought that I had misunderstood - but the masthead above the page reminded me that I was perusing the above referenced newspaper, and not, as I had momentarily thought, a seldom read pretentious literary journal. When my brain stopped working, I scribbled off the following poem in a fit of bewildertude and nausea. Bill Holm, the prime metaphor here: the digestive tract for the self-proclaimed cognoscenti from the mouth that won't stop yapping to the anus that poops out grandiose, yet dullwitted and uninformed "observations of our condition". What do left-wing douchebags who think they have a monopoly on truth tell us? It's not pretty.


September 11, 2007: Icelandic Nimrod

More crap from the Opinion Exchange

Some jerk thinks he is a Poet Warrior - brain dead.

All this read whilst eating my lunch;

A repast from plying my law trade. Supping upon

The delicious beef product whilst reading the local paper.

Misunderstanding! Why is this a literary journal?

No. The masthead informs me that this is indeed the op-ed page.

But 'sooth! here lies a "poet" from Iceland! (Tho' only in the summer).

Mitch Berg should be so lucky to have such a frigid dacha!

But onward...

I struggle to get through the overweening turgidity, 'til

Mine eyes stumble upon this rhetorical turd:

So goes business -- as Charles Wilson said: the business of America.

Three quarters of us believe in a personal god who saves and punishes.

Three quarters of us can't find Canada, France, or the Pacific on a map.

We believe in one true god, but not in geography.

The non sequitur (and made-up statistics!) rise off the page,

Levitating effortlessly toward the ceiling,

Until it dissipates into an odiferous brown cloud

Of ignorance. Of petulance. Of...

Fear?

So some guy doesn't know where some city in Iceland is? So what?

I challenge Bill Holm to spell "res ipsa loquitur" correctly (or even know what it means)

Or figure out how to make a shoe, a car (even a Prius), a bridge.

Perhaps strum a few bars of "Can I Play With Madness" on the guitar.

Bill believes in one true god - the god of Himself.

All other less "enlightened" people can go to hell.

(And yes, that means you, buddy - I don't see any Prose Poetry on your ThunderJournal!)

Slogging on...

A reference to Walt Whitman.

The long-winded long-bearded purveyor of boring homoeroticism.

As Darth Vader once noted:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

This Prose Poem

is

over!

The Sad Hummmingbird of Smug Pretention

With the exit of Jimmy Boyd and Steve (Hertz) Berg from the editorial pages, we've lost the "Codpieces" and other institutional voice incoherent rage. That, alas, is our loss.

However the powers that be down at Portland Avenue must have noticed the lack of quality posting here at KAR following the exit of those two Cro Magnons, and have decided to help a brother out. Today, we get not only spittle flecked elitist rage, but be also get said rage folded into layers and layers of absurdity. We get it from American expat in Iceland. We get it in verse:

I spend my summers in north Iceland, escaping heat and tornados. Mostly though, I try to scribble books in a quiet, chilly place outside the orbit of the English language and the noise of daily life in America. After a few weeks of silence, I begin hearing the tunes in my own head better. Then, after a few months of solitude, I begin to think about home, particularly Minnesota -- what a peculiar place it is, and my connection to it. My Icelandic is so poor that the newspapers defeat me; I have no radio, no TV, no Internet. Some days I forget the president's name.

(That's from the drugs....)

I wrote the following prose poem on Aug. 2 after hearing a garbled version [The drugs... -ed.] on Icelandic state radio of the bridge collapse in Minneapolis. At first I thought I had misunderstood, but my neighbor Hallgrimur, who was giving me a lift to Akureyri [Shameless nomendroppur! -ed.] to pick up a book manuscript at the airport, assured I'd heard it right. It wasn't clear from the report which bridge had fallen, and the casualty figures were of course inaccurate. But it was enough to shock me. When the car stopped, I wrote the poem in a fit of grief and anger and puzzlement.

Hey, that's normal. I know lots of people who carry around a pad of recycled paper and a soy ink pen just in case they get angry and have to let off a little steam with a slanderous sonnet.

The Mississippi River is the prime metaphor here: the aorta of the United States, our great divider and uniter and symbol, now troubled in only a short time both at its mouth and at its beginning.

"Source." The word you're looking for is "source".

What do the disasters on the river tell us about ourselves in 2007?

That hurricanes and bad gusset plates can cause disasters?

I'm afraid the news is not good, but perhaps I think that because I heard so little news that it affects me like a great dropped stone.


Aug. 2, 2007: American News

More black news from Minnesota.

A bridge over the Mississippi falls down: nine dead,

twenty missing, details unclear...

All this arrives in half-understood Icelandic over state radio

while I am driving to Akureyri.


Point of composition - was that above introduction really necessary, when you just basically said the same thing here?

Oh, right. This is a self-absorbed artiste. He likes the sound of his own (inner) voice.

I imagine cars hurtling over the interstate bridge down into

the now-tepid waters of the river.

The sky above a humid hundred, cries and shrieks muffled

in the saturated air.

Bridges are not supposed to fall down in invincible "can-do" America.

The Brooklyn Bridge does not fall down.

The iron gates of the locks in the Panama Canal have opened and closed

every day since 1913.

The generators hum below the Hoover Dam to feed the electrical jolt

that cools, lights and irrigates the west.

The motor in the old Buick purrs after 250,000 miles.

We build to last! We are the world's engineers!

Suddenly we lose all our steadily stupider wars; the currency evaporates,

we're afraid of every moving shadow.

The Fed-Ex clerk in Minneapolis has never heard of Iceland.

I call bullshit!

The self-reverential arrogance and elitist tone of this pinhead has inspired me. Doubly so.

It has inspired in me a deep compassion for my readers along with a sudden new respect for the copyrights of others, thus forcing me to abandon it's retelling here.

Secondly, it has inspired a poem. A "prose-poem" if you will.

Developing...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Fact Checking the Fact Checkers

Katherine Kerstin is like the local left-o-sphere's Nick Coleman. Except they obsess over her more. For every column she writes, you'll see a myriad of smug snot-drizzled crap from the usual suspects who will impute motives, ignore large swaths of text and break down Kersten's argument du jour to the atomic level just to make themselves feel smart. If Kersten were ever to make an overt error like, say, misspelling a certain legal term as "res ipsa loquiter", you can expect to see at least 30 different posts about it.

It's like the flooding of the Nile.

That said, MPR's Bob Collins - who generally does not suck - thinks he's caught Kerstin making shit up. Now typically this would have passed here without notice (I read Polinaut much less than I should), but Collins' "catch" seemed to get the kind of nodding approval of the local Hipster Doof-o-Sphere (oh, and here too - shocker!) that NonMonkey's weekly gaffes do not. In any event, here's Collins' beef with a recent Kersten column:

I covered that convention and stayed in the same hotel as the Minnesota delegates and I don't remember any attempt to take it over. And there was a good reason for that: there were cops out front and cops in the lobby. It was so quiet, the only action was delegates petting police dogs.

[Picture of a person petting a dog next to cops.]

But the comment about being spit at is the one that caught my attention because delegates didn't mix with protesters. See, the way it worked was a "tiered" security area was placed around Madison Square Garden... the closer you got to it, the tighter the security. Protesters were eliminated from as far away as the outer ring.

Ah. But then how do you explain this New York post article about the convention protest from September 1, 2004 (you'll need Nexis to find this; citation is 9/1/04 NY Post 8):

The demonstrations grew demonic at the Republican National Convention yesterday as protesters set fire to a traffic light, tipped over a fruit cart, tossed around garbage cans, attacked a journalist and spit on Republican conventioneers in a wave of mayhem across Manhattan.

*snip*

At Madison Square Garden, the protests got physical - and a little wet - as Bush-haters roughed up and spit on GOP delegates who got caught up in the demonstration crowds as they tried to enter the convention.

One 63-year-old delegate from Mississippi told The Post he was manhandled by protesters who tried to block his way.

"I don't mind them demonstrating, but to spit on people is unbelievable," he said, as he wiped phlegm from his hat.

OK, so its the New York Post, and the language here is hardly neutral. So for the benefit of moonbats, here's a story from the NY Times, that doesn't mention any specific instances of protestor loogie hocking, but does demonstrate that the drooling sign-toting impotent rage-o-holics weren't aways kept out of loogie range from the delegates (and the story, ironically enough, can be found on leftyblog TruthOut):

As protesters converged on Herald Square in the evening, the police tried to contain the increasingly raucous crowds. Hundreds of protesters seemed to get too close to the buses of delegates and the crowd became unruly as the police moved in metal barricades and used scooters to try to push the crowd back.

And, more to support Kersten's point (protesters suck and will cause havoc in St. Paul) rather than to continue to bludgeon Collins' now-debunked debunking, there's this:

The demonstrators at Herald Square, frustrated by their lack of ability to move closer to Madison Square Garden, began breaking off in clusters of hundreds or so and storming the streets and avenues in Midtown, throwing cones and other objects at cars and windows as they ran.

Well, Bob didn't apparently see any of that, so it must not have happened.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Cubs Lose! Cubs Lose!





A couple of weeks ago, back when the Cubs won 2 out of 3 from the Brewers at home to take a game-an-a-half lead in the Central, you'd have thought that the Cubs had already won the penant judging by some of their more annoying fans' reactions.

Well, now that the Brewers are back atop the division alone, one game ahead of the payroll-bloated Yankee-wannabe Cubs, I thought this would be as good a time as any to remind everyone that there's still 20 games left in the season.

Hopefully Jeff Supan will get a hold of the above graphic and hang it in his locker so he may become inspired to pitch like he did at the end of last season.

(And for what it's worth, Ryan Braun is just sick at the plate.)

Friday, September 07, 2007

Buttcheekgate Day 3 - A Double Standard?

The story so far:

The other day, I cross-posted my brilliant slam on John Edwards and his cryptofeminist followers to new local uberblog True North. Some members of the TN Board of Standards - a/k/a "The Junta" - got the vapors and suffered back-of-hand-to-forehead fainting spells from my use of the words 'butt cheeks" in the title of that post, and my subsequent demand for Mr. Edwards to kiss both of them. I was subsequently banned from posting anything remotely KAR-like on True North's Front page.

But today I notice in a recent posting on the front page of TN by one of the aforementioned Junta, the following (emphasis mine) equally filthy language:

"Minnesota Republican Norman Coleman is one of the administration's leading butt boys."

...and the even more egregious:

The Vice President continued to prove his commitment to the environment yesterday, when he agreed to change the policy on the stick up his butt. Evidently, instead of replacing the stick every day with a new one, he's going to keep the same stick there throughout the administration. And if they get re-elected in '96, that will save an entire rain forest.

Now, I can see how some uptight nimrod might get offended by the spelling out of a common, though usually covered, body part. However, how can it then be acceptable to use the very similar, yet worse, phrase "stick up his butt". I mean, sure I told John Edwards to kiss my butt cheeks (and I believe that any legitimate conservative should demand the same), but here you have the very same member of the Junta that pulled my post for the use of "butt cheeks" not only referring to the same area of the anatomy, but also graphically describing anal penetration with a foreign object!

Is that somehow not offensive to True North's core audience?

Yep - more conservative hypocrisy.

Fucking Moron Mail

We interrupt our continuing coverage of Buttcheekgate for an emergency moron mail.

Wow.

Today the Strib published one of the nastiest, ignorance-besotted and droolingly stupid crops of letters I have seen since I started this whole letter-fisking craze back in '04. I could poop on just about every letter printed there today, but time constraints and preservation of sanity force me to highlight only two. These babies are so bad, that they are not merely moronic, they're fucking moronic (a term that will have to be redacted when this goes up on True North.).

First, this dear out-of-state readers, is what passes in our local paper as especially meritorious and deserving of the title "Letter of the Day":

Katherine Kersten's Sept. 3 column criticizing the law firm Schwebel, Goetz & Sieben for wanting to investigate the collapse of the Interstate 35W bridge should enrage all Minnesotans. I mean, how dare those blood-sucking lawyers try to get to the bottom of such a colossal failure of our public infrastructure.

Query to fans of Joe Soucheray's radio program: has the word "infrastructure" earned a foghorn yet? If not, it should.

The Pawlenty administration, Legislature, the Minnesota Department of Transportation, contractors and the Star Tribune are content with clearing the debris and taking bids to build a new bridge as fast as they can. The real story is that these parties don't want to study the reasons for the failure; they figure, "Why play the blame game? Can't we just move on?" There is absolutely no accountability, and that is disgusting -- especially in a tragedy this important.

No, douchebag. What's disgusting is your complete and utter ignorance (willful?) of well-reported fact. The fact is that the investigation is being conducted by the counterintuitively-named-to retarded-letter-writers National Transportation Safety Board. (Gee - whoda thunk it?) And that agency is doing so with the full support and assistance of all relevant state agencies, as can be read in this confusingly-worded-for-retarded-fucks executive order issued by the governor the day after the collapse:


All state agencies are directed to provide support, assistance and
cooperation as requested by the National Transportation Safety Board, which has
been identified as the lead agency investigating the cause of the bridge
collapse
.


Oh, but I'm sure that a bunch of mercenary engineers hired by a PI law firm would provide a totally fair and non-self-serving investigation into the cause of the disaster. After all, plaintiffs' attorneys always put experts whose testimony hurts their cases on the stand. Right?

Wrong. Dumbshit.

Jim Schwebel, John Goetz and Bill Sieben are several Minnesotans who want to find out why the bridge collapsed;

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn't laugh - that statement is true as far as it goes...all the way to the bank.

- they should be commended. It's unfortunate that our governor and the powers that be aren't so concerned!

There you go, T-Paw. Sage advice from Some Guy in Roseville. If you really want to make a difference, put aside your silly executive orders and emergency disbursements, tie on your running shoes and chase an ambulance.

WADE BONER, ROSEVILLE

Number Two - and I mean that in every sense of that term - comes from a semiliterate life form in St. Paul:

Apparently, according to Katherine Kersten, those who plan to protest the 2008 Republican National Convention using direct action are "anarchists" (column, Sept. 6).

Well, according to the website belonging to the group she was referring to:

The RNC Welcoming Committee is an anarchist / anti-authoritarian organizing body
preparing for the 2008 Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota.


Like I said - there are morons, and there are fucking morons...

As she fails to define the term or delineate the category,

Or you could pull your head out of your ass, and pay attention to what they're saying, to wit:

She said the group would not seek permits to demonstrate, and said efforts
to restrict protesters in that way constituted repression and a “violent
threat.”

In discussing future tactics, she said, “Some may choose to resist
state violence using pacifist tactics, while others use whatever methods they
deem necessary and appropriate
.”


it might be fair to suggest that she would place this label on the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and those who fought for civil rights in the 1960s using nonviolent direct action.

You have got to be kidding. And, if you had any idea about what you were talking about - any at all - you would be.

But even leaving the term aside, Kersten makes the classic case for trading off freedom for order: our freedoms for her order.

Well, shithead, I've got news for ya': everybody has rights. Not just a bunch of attention starved, spoiled trust-fund fuckball adolescents who just learned how to wipe their butts and now think they can "make a difference".

If this is the direction of American conservatism (and I hope it's not), then there is all the more reason to protest the Republican National Convention. If it's not, then one wonders why the Star Tribune published this opinion.

Indeed - one wonders why the Strib published this opinion.

JOHN SHIT, ST. PAUL

Watch for the squeaky-clean PG version at True North soon.