Friday, November 30, 2007

The Bacon Post

Ah, bacon. I love bacon! Nothing compares to bacon's crispy, chewy, salty, smoky, porky deliciousness. Bacon makes everything better. It makes breakfast tastier, fillet mignons meatier and scallops scallopier. I once heard a comedian remark on the radio (KFAN, I think) that if it weren't for bacon, nobody would know what a water chestnut is.

Spot on, brother.

There is simply nothing that bacon cannot do. Bacon is the perfection of the swine - the pig's highest and best use; the flavor of life; the ultimate culinary achievement of all time.

Bacon is good.

I think "bacon" ought to be used as a slangy term for "exceedingly great," much like "cool" was in the fifties, "boss" in the sixties, "bitchin'" in the seventies, "radical" in the eighties and "tits" in the nineties.

"Dude, your girlfriend is so bacon!"

"Hey Fred, I just got this bacon new car - it's got these bacon seat warmers!"

Here is a post I was going to write about last night's game, that I'll just write here using this bacony new vernacular:

The Pack were, like, the total opposite of bacon last night. They couldn't stop Dallas' bacon offense. The O-line was sieve-like, leading to the injury of Green Bay's bacon quarterback, Brett Favre, who had not been playing very bacon up until then.

However, notwithstanding the outcome of the game, there were some signs of bacony hope. To wit: despite playing on the road at Dallas (closed circuit to the NFL Scheduling Retard: it'd be really bacon if you could have the Cowboys to visit Lambeau now and again. I know that the pussies are probably still traumatized from the Ice Bowl, but 6 regular season games at Dallas versus only 2 at Lambeau in the past 17 years suggests some sort of agenda.)

OK, I seem to have lost my place - that's not very bacon. Oh yeah:

Look at the circumstances of that game. Despite being on the road against the best team in the NFC, losing Favre in the first half, being dominated in nearly every facet of the game, and suffering through some of the worst home-town officiating this ThunderJournalist has witnessed since the United States basketball team "lost" to the Soviets in the '72 Olympics, the Pack had the ball and a chance to tie the game with less than 5 minutes to play in the game.

Imagine if they had played bacon. Or if the refs weren't in Jerry Jones' pocket. I see bacon things for this team through the playoffs and beyond.

How frickin' bacon did that sound?

Plus, as an added bonus, "bacon" can be used as the opposite of a FAIL, like this:




So to summarize:

Old and busted: "good" "nice" etc.

New hotness: "bacon"

Have a bacon weekend.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

"Adult" Education: Helping Stevie Learn How to Write

Recently, after reading one of dour left-wing talking points flogger and City Pages castoff Steve Perry's Daily Mole posts, KAR decided to seek professional help–for Perry.

So we selected one of his recent pieces, a November 29th post berating (yawn) Katherine Kerstin (again), and did two things: First, we ran the post through Juicy Studios’ readability tester to see what grade level the composition attained: 5th grade. Here’s a screengrab of the results - no permalinks available; there’s a glossary defining all the measures at the link:



Second, we pasted the column into Word and emailed it to a former English instructor we know who now lives and drinks in the Isle of Wight and has never seen Perry’s writing before, with this prefatory note: “Could you help out a friend of ours? Steve is an indie paper expat with an apparent case of short man's disease who really wants to be a writer…. I’m asking that you read the short essay I’ve attached, assign a letter grade to it, and write a summary feedback paragraph to Stevie telling her what she needs to do to become an accomplished professional writer. I’d really appreciate it, and I’m sure she would appreciate it too.”

Our teacher pal, Fabio, has returned this critique:

"You are a massive pantload, and obviously oblivious to how easily this could come back at you. Where's my beer? Grade: F-"

Revisiting Some of The Elder's Lame-Assed Football Smack

The biggest game of the season for the Pack - and the second biggest for the NFL - happens tonight in Dallas. So I thought this'd be as good a time as any to revisit one of Chad the Elder's stupider unhinged - and uninformed - football rants. Plus he's on a plane right now and can't defend himself.

WARNING: THE PASSAGE OF TIME HAS NOT TREATED THE FOLLOWING CHAD THE ELDER FOOTBALL SMACK -WHICH WAS DEEPLY STUPID TO BEGIN WITH - WELL. THINK PUKE ORANGE SHAG CARPETING AND POLYESTER LEISURE SUITS. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

The day after the Pack beat the Vikings for the first time this year, Chad sniveled:

Speaking of last year, after the Vikings lost a meaningless late-season game to the Packers, I commented that I was actually happy about the outcome since it would improve the Vikings position in the draft. A few obnoxious Packer fans (talk about a superfluous adjective) responded that my reaction was just sour grapes. Well yesterday, those result of those "sour grapes" was a very fine wine:

Rushing ATT YDS TD LG
A. Peterson 20 224 3 73

But hey, it's not like the Packers need a running back, do they?


[Outdated stats omitted]

Actually, it turns out that they don't - but they got one anyway.

But I suppose it'd be better to have Adrian Peterson and a sub-.500 record than to to be 10 and 1 and to have already clinched the playoffs this year.

Okay, but at least the player the Packer drafted has been a difference maker, right? Heh, heh.

Yet the Packers are 10 and 1 without Adrian Peterson, while the Vikings are 5 and 6 with him (and 2 & 0 when he doesn't play - isn't that an interesting little stat?).

Oh - and the Pack is the YOUNGEST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE.

Enjoy your fluky 5-1 start and aging quarterback now Packer fans.

If 5 and 1 is "fluky", then what is 10 and 1? "Super-fluky?"

The. Youngest. Team. In. The. NFL. Is. 10. And. 1.

Suck on it.

Because in the very near future Purple is going to be the new black.

Is that what color their uniforms will be when the move to Los Angeles?

***

Over all, you gotta love this line of reasoning. "It was good that we sucked last year so we could get a high draft pick." But be careful what you wish for. Here's a comment he left at KAR:

Let's wait and see what happens when the Packers play a real team [...10 and 1 --ed.]. And no, the Bears don't count.

Meanwhile, Vikings fan will be content with the knowledge that we're on our way to another good draft pick this year. Build for the future baby
.

Course, now the Vikes look like they'll probably finish around .500, giving them a pick in the high teens or low 2o's. Can't wait to see how Chad spins that one. "This is soooo much better than making the playoffs - we don't embarrass ourselves, yet we still get a decent pick. It's win / win baby! Build for the future!"

Win or lose to the hated 'Boys tonite, in Green Bay, the future is now.

NOTE: Watch for Chad to play the "Yeah, but the Patriots are better" card. Since we won't know that for sure until the Super Bowl, and given the preseason expectations most of us Packer fans had, I'd be happy just seeing that assertion proved conclusively and objectively true or false. I'll trade a Super Bowl for 15 draft slots any day.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

OMFG: Star Wars... with Thumbs!

More you didn't ask for, but more fun than a half hour with Don Shelby...

Oh Cool - Star Wars... WHAT THE FUCK????!!!!

Because you didn't ask for it, here's the long forgotten and unlamented Star Wars Christmas Special (featuring Jefferson Starship!), editied to fit on YouTube.



Happy Life Day everyone!

The News in Haikus

News writers plan to
Strike day of Dem debate. Who
Will write Hil's answers?


"I am one hundred
Per cent, super dooper sure
Not guilty (again)"


Forget praying! That's
For Ludites. Jesus died for
Your cell connection.


If your wife goes on
A vacation to Kenya,
Hire divorce lawyer.


Stealing stuff off of
Other people's blogs? Well, pal,
That gets you a:



GOP YouTube
Debate will be as stupid
As Democrat one.


Sign depicting a
Large ass is protected speech.
God bless Amer'ca!


This is some good shit.
I see ring wraiths, ents, hobbits
Elves, and Aragon!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Punching Down the Human Pop-Up Ads

My wife works in a field that requires her to see several patients a day. It's one of the reasons she picked that career; inexplicably, she seems to like people. (Have you heard that opposites attract?) Unfortunately, a trend over the last few years is just about ready to ruin that part of the business for her, not to mention drive us both batty: home-based businesses.

Don't misunderstand me: I'm all for people being self-employed. In fact, given my druthers and a better health insurance situation I'd say we should pretty much all be independent contractors. But I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about "home-based businesses" like Mary Kay, the various "Crazy-Expensive Decorations for Your Home" catalogs, Amway, noni juice, melaleuca (or whatever the fuck it is), and the like. You know the scam:

(1) Recruit others to sell crap and suffer under the same quotas (and recruit others...)
(2) ?
(3) Profit

So as part of her job she is forced to suffer through an endless string of annoying human pop-up ads appearing throughout the week:

"Buy my crap!"
"Sell our crap!"
"Refinance your mortgage!"
"Don't you want more money?"
"Need a bigger dick?"

(OK, thankfully the last one is made up.) And unlike pop-up ads which you can block, close, and swear at like a Tourette's-stricken Teamster, these are paying customers. So she has to be nice. Co-workers with Girl Scout cookie order forms are great fun compared to this minefield (and at least then you get cookies).

What frosts my nuts is that these ingrates don't see her as a professional doing her job, they see a potential sucker who has to suffer through their retarded pitch, and they lack just enough class to take advantage of that.

So this kind, trusting woman (what did I say about opposites?) is forced to artfully turn away, placate, and otherwise pacify people who decide to turn a simple meaningless bit of small talk into an uncomfortable passive-aggressive dance loaded with bullshit and desperation. And she has to do so without losing them as customers, and without buying anything.

All of which leads up to tonight, when the scourge of "Incomplete Data" struck our caller ID and put me on the phone with a patient who wanted to pitch us a "home ownership accelerator" loan. I should have said "Forgive me, ma'am, I didn't realize I had to arm myself with all of the latest home mortgage facts just in case some crazy bitch with a restless phone book decides to harass us while we're trying to finish our supper" and hung up. But I didn't.

I tried to brush her off like I would any other telemarketer, which annoyed her enough to make her snippy, then I told her we had to do our own research. Which got rid of her, and had the added benefit of being the truth. (Today's KAR PSA: it seems like you can get the same results just by adding extra to your mortgage payment every month, which we already do. The only advantage is if you really need a HELOC-like loan for some reason. YMMV, of course.)

So not only did she intrude on our time for a phone call, but she got us to waste about an hour researching something that ultimately won't do us any good. I should send her a bill, but instead I'll do the passive-aggressive Minnesota thing and not answer any "incomplete data" phone calls next week. Because I'm complex like that.

Just Another Day at KAR Central

(Scene: Orientation day for new employees at Kool Aid Report. The Head of Alfredo Garcia (THOAG) is showing Analog Kid (AK) and the Iron Matron (IM) around).


The Head of Alfredo Garcia (THOAG): ...OK, the break room is over there. But you might wanna eat at your desk; between Dementee's leftover moonbat gore and Obnoxious Packer Guy's vomit slicks, it's really kinda...

Iron Matron (IM): Well, we'll fix that straight away...

THOAG: Well, heh, good luck with that. We've been doing this for a couple of years, and...

IM: I said [slapping passing lackey with riding crop] we'll fix that straight away.

THOAG: [Nonplussed] Riiiiight. OK. So, let's walk into cubeland here and introduce everyone. Over here is Dementee...

Dementee: NEWBIES! DEMENTEE LIKE NEWBIES!

THOAG: You really don't want to press him on what he means by that. Over across the aisle in cube two we have...[notes empty cube]...well, we're supposed to have the Notorious B.I.L. He's our graphics maestro. And, well, he's...out on assignment, I guess you could say.

Iron Matron: Well, we'll fix that straight away, too...

THOAG: You're big on that "fixing right away", aren't you? You'll fit in...well, you'll fit in interestingly around here. OK, over here kittycorner is Xerxes, one of our contractors here doing some temp work with the fisking engine. Xerk, I'd like you to meet our new employees. This is Iron Matron...

Xerxes: How do you poo!

THOAG: ...and Analog Kid.

Xerxes: Can we call you "Anal" for short?

Analog Kid: That'd be pretty dumb...

Xerxes: Cool! Nice to meet you!

[Noises off: Banging, yelling]

THOAG: We'll be taking the new employees out for lunch later today, Xerxes. Hope you can make it. OK, there's my cube. The one that's full of paperwork. They stuck me with HR duty. State regulations and all that. Blah. I hate my life. OK, who else? Oh, OK, in the corner is the boss, Joe Tucci. You know him as "Learned Foot", I bet...

[Noises off: Banging, yelling. AK and IM take note]

Analog Kid: No, not really...

THOAG: OK, or as Joe Tucci - that's kinda new...

[Noises off: Banging, yelling; AK and IM look concerned]

Analog Kid: No, not really that either...

THOAG: Ah. Well, you'll get to know 'em.

Analog Kid: say, what is that noise?

THOAG: Oh, just the people from Dump Bachmann. They got more traffic in the last two weeks than they've gotten since the '06 election, and they want us to "read their blog" some more. They have more nicknames. I think they called the Packer Guy "His Obnoxious Packerguyosity" or something like that. We like to mess with 'em; last week, I bought a women's high-heel shoe at Goodwill, had Xerxes wipe his ass with it, and tossed it out the window, yelling "It's Michele Bachmann's Shoe!". They went nuts. One of 'em ate the shoe...

Dementee: I HEAR THAT!

THOAG: It's all over, Dee! OK. So here are your cubes. I have a pile of handouts - open enrollment, 401K registration, dependent care...what else? Oh, yeah. Sexual harassment training...

Iron Matron: I'll take care of that [delivered with a menacing glare]

THOAG: Er, no, I gotta have something to do around here. OK - here are your ID badges...

(And...scene!)

Happy Birthday, Bro - er...

The bra (or, rather, the term "brassiere") is 100 years old today! Happy birthday to all you boobie slings out there!

I wonder how old the thong is?

Moron Mail

I've seen enough Moron Mails the last couple of days to justify doing another Harry Potter spoof. And while the overwhelmingly positive reaction to that post from about 3 people ensures that there will be another episode in that franchise, time constraints force us to wait and work quickly here today.

So let's begin with moron numero uno:

On Nov. 12, DFL State Chairman Brian Melendez called for GOP Lt. Gov./Transportation Commissioner Carol Molnau's resignation for continuing mismanagement at MnDOT, stating, "Firing one person at MnDOT doesn't even come close to addressing that department's dysfunction, which begins with the utter failure of Lt. Gov. Molnau as commissioner. ... Molnau should step down so that our state and transportation infrastructure can recover from years of mismanagement and underfunding by the Pawlenty administration." Yet the Star Tribune did not report this news.

On Nov. 20, Minnesota GOP Chairman Ron Carey called on Secretary of State Mark Ritchie to resign for allegedly using public data publicly. And the Star Tribune is all over it like a cheap suit.

What gives?

BETTY BONERARD, GOLDEN VALLEY


[Horshack] Oh oho OHOHOH!!![/Horshack] I can answer that question:

One is a relevant and provocative statement from the head a political party relevant to an ongoing newsworthy scandal involving the Secretary of State.

The other is irrelevant posturing based on facts not in evidence (made by the president of the Minnesota State Bar Association, no less) asserting a politically self-serving subjective opinion that does nothing to advance any story regarding MnDOT.

However, it should not pass without noting that the Tim O'Bonermort did choose to publish this letter, from a DFLic Party hack without identifying her as such.

So, let's call it even, eh, Betty?

OK - one down. Looks like we have time for one more. We'll skip over the non-moron letter sent in by some guy named "Gary Gross" (while taking a moment to speculate how this "Gross" guy managed to slide one past Lord O'Bonermort) and hit this shiznit, also relating to our dishonest, dimwitted, hyperpartisan Communist Party endorsed Sec. State:

The "partisan" dispute between DFL Secretary of State Mark Ritchie and his Republican predecessor Mary Kiffmeyer boils down to this: Ritchie wants to register voters and Kiffmeyer wanted to disqualify them.

The parties might as well name themselves Democratic and Undemocratic.

MARK BONER, MINNEAPOLIS


I'm just going to edit this baby for accuracy, and alter the obvious stale talking point (that he mistakes for clever, original thought):

The "partisan" dispute between DFL Secretary of State Mark Ritchie and his Republican predecessor Mary Kiffmeyer boils down to this: Ritchie wants to register [dead, fictional, illegal] voters and Kiffmeyer wanted to disqualify them.

The parties might as well name themselves Democratic Despotic and Undemocratic. Bonerific!

MARK BONER, MINNEAPOLIS

KAR Moonbat Fun Quiz

Try to guess which one of these excerpts was written by an extremely-tightly-wound-tilting-at-windmills-cryptofeminist-pseudointellectual-quasi-academic-perpetually-aggrieved-race-pimp, and which one is a parody that I made up myself. The answer may surprise you.

BLURB #1:

RACE AND ETHNICITY IN VEGAN ANALYSIS

I know race is a social construction, but there have been obvious consequences to this construction. This is what I investigate, as it relates to animal rights and veganism. Her response is nothing new to me; it's just rare that I have children writing me. I find it frustrating that there are many USA people (mostly white identified class privileged— not to say that she is, but yes, I’m making a huge assumption) engaged in veganism and animal rights that ONLY want to deal with animal rights from a USA "animal rights only" framework (in a safe little bubble). They are leaving out other interlocking systemic oppressions– mainly classism , globalization, neocolonialism, racism and 1st Worldism.


BLURB #2:

"ICE AGE": SETTING FEMALE CHARACTERS BACK A FEW MILLENNIA...

Ice Age is one of the worst children’s films I’ve ever seen in terms of gender portrayal.

In a nutshell, Ice Age is a classic all-male buddy adventure in which a motley group of guys of different prehistoric species bring a (male) baby back to his human clan. The human clan is weirdly also all male except for the baby’s mom, who sacrifices her life in the beginning of the movie in order to set up their great adventure. The lack of female main characters is pretty standard fare, so it’s the “mom’s sacrifice” scene that truly places this film in a class of its own.

How many (theoretical) female characters have to give their lives to set up some back-story for male protagonists? I hate to even touch the question…


Scroll down for answer.





























ANSWER: Trick question! They are both real. And like some sort of masochistic psychiatric archaeologist, I have unearthed yet another rich source of material that I'll probably forget about within a week.

Though one does have to admire the zeal the second author brings to the fight for the equality of prehistoric female cartoon animals.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The Difference Between Men and Women, Part 3,816

If you are a woman trying to raise awareness or cash for breast cancer research, you might display a pink ribbon.

If you are a man trying to raise awareness of cancers to various men's body parts, you might dress up like a giant scrotum.

(Tip o' the pitcher to Alert Reader Mike G.)

A Tedious Victory

As if the out come was even in doubt, 91% of you thought that I, the now outed Joe Tucci, Mitch Berg and the other objects of Ken Weiner's obsession won our recent flame war.

In reality, I considered it more of a psychological experiment: what happens when you stalk stalkers? The answer was illuminating: "They go nuts, recycle the same post in 80 different places and even create new blogs to facilitate their mania".

If only scientists could obtain that clean of a result in some useful field, like cold fusion.

Oh, and I think I found the guy that voted 7 times (9%) for Weiner:

Thank you Tracy Eberly. Ever since you went too far, you and your thuggish buddies have been lost, abandoned by Michael Brodkorb, arguably the most successful blogger in the MOB, while having your asses kicked by leftist journalist Steve Perry, Bachmann's least favorite constituent Karl Bremer, lesbian activist blogger extraordinaire Eva Young, and most tellingly by a New York Jew Ken Avidor, the Audie Murphy of this story--single-handedly [stalking -ed.] down a whole squad of aging sexist race-baiting white boys while the world simply passes them by.

Thanks, Tracy for flushing out the lameness of your fucked up political allies--the penis-obsessed Swiftee, the thin-skinned Mitch Berg, and the tediously [sic] Learned Foot [sic] for instance--while more mild mannered arch-conservative Repugs publicly wring their hands or run for the exits
.

Note he calls yours truly "tedious" in the 11th paragraph of his catalogue of stereotypes.

Kevin McKay? 'Zat you? Again?

Actually, I don't mind being called tedious by leftyboogers - especially the ones with the Democrat Underground vocabulary (and matching intellect), like this retard. What that means is he checked around for any evidence to support his preconceived notions, found none, but still had to come up with an insult because I voted against John Kerry in '06. Rest assured, if I was a fellow leftybooger, he'd be calling me "brilliant" or "blogger extraordinaire", or the "Audie Murphy of this Story" since my entire role in this whole thing was to mimic Ken Weiner post for post.

So then, as we are always gracious in victory, we shall once again rejoin the rest of the world in ignoring Ken Weiner; unless he serves up another hanging curve that's impossible to resist.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Light Rail vs. Conceal Carry -- SCORING UPDATE

Thanksgiving seems to be an inappropriate day to highlight this morbid exercise we undertook upon witnessing the hysterics of conceal-carry opponents who relentlessly predicted the streets would flow with blood should the law ever be enacted.

But then it's never bad day to highlight their stupidity. That said, we have another sad update:

Persons killed by Light Rail: 5

Persons killed by a Conceal Carry permit holder: 1

I fear that light rail may be becoming a quagmire.

ATTENTION

I am in Des Moines.

That is all.

Blog Readability Test

Mitch is bitching about his and Baaaaaaaaaniaaaaan's blog reading level scores (rated at Elementary School) at the Blog Readability Test site. Out of curiosity, I put KAR and recently noted blogs to the test, and find the scores to be spot on.

KAR:

















Minnesota Mobsters Exposer Exposed:



Exposed Weiner:


Lloydletta and her band of merry dumpsters:



The function of genius is to furnish cretins with ideas twenty years later. -- Louis Aragon

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Let's Finish This

Oh we've had some fun over the past month beating on anonymous Wikipedia smearer Eva Young and her dim-witted sidekick ans pron merchant Weiner. Actually it wasn't so much of a beating as it was merely doing the same thing to them as they do to others (and they hated it so much that Weiner even started a whole new blog in which he re-re-re-repeats the same years-old worn-out attempted smears).

Good times. Good times.

But there's one guy out there who apparently still doesn't get it (I mean, aside from Weiner). In fact, I think he could take a lesson from our exploits vis a vis the stalkers here. Or maybe he just refuses to. (HINT: something about "fair play" and "turnabout" - or perhaps "the golden rule" might ring a bell).

In any event, I think it'd be helpful for some closure if we turned this over to the public in a good old fashioned plebiscite. You tell us: who pwn3d whom? Poll on the sidebar. Normal KAR ballot stuffing rules apply, etc.

Mark Ritchie's a Liar, You Say? Yaaaawn.

Apparently our glorious Communist-Party-and-ACORN-endorsed Secretary of State has been caught in a lie:

Ritchie can't spin his way out of this conundrum. Earlier, he insisted that he had no idea how his campaign got the list of e-mail addresses of those who do business with his office. Now he admits that he personally provided that list to the campaign. That goes beyond "my staff did this without my knowledge," or any other bureaucratic nonsense.

In other words, Ritchie lied. Badly.

Of course, readers of KAR - always at the cutting edge -were already privy to the fact that Mark Ritchie was and is a big fat liar 14 months ago.

Fourteen months ago = before he was elected.

[Rolls eyes wistfully heavenward]

Man... just imagine how cool it would be if KAR was at all effectual.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

LIVE! NUDE! THUNDERJOURNAL!

Yes, I am ThunderJournaling and I am nude! Just got a new laptop and wireless router, so now I am able to ThunderJournal from my room.

In my bed.

Nude.

Ah sweet sweet freedom!

So welcome to KAR's first LIVE! NUDE! THUNDERJOURNAL!

The kids are in bed, and my lovely wife Mrs. Foot is here next to me. Now she too can participate in my nightly nude ThunderJournals. What follows is Mrs. Foot's KAR debut:

My husband is a knob.

Please put some pants on!

Ha ha! Nothing doing sweetheart. I am free! Free!

Well, as long as I am ThunderJournaling nude on my new wireless connection, let's find some news to which I can provide my world-famous ThunderJournalistic commentary (now in the nude).

Here's some news from the Obama campaign (or as I like to call it, "Obama-nation"). Let's see what this is all about:

Oprah Winfrey is poised to campaign for White House hopeful Sen. Barack -

Oprah.

There goes my desire to be nude. Time to put on the pants.

OK, well how about some health news? No chance of seeing Oprah there. Here's an article:

A groundbreaking scientific study warns that wireless communication technology may be responsible for accelerating the rise in autism among the world’s children.

Oh fer shit's sake...

This LIVE! NUDE! THUNDERJOURNAL! is over!

Decades-old joke becomes reality

This story bounced around the net last week, so naturally the Strib picked it up yesterday, and I'm writing about it even later (back off, that's just how I roll).

But it still bears ridicule:
The Daily Telegraph in Sydney reported that those portraying Santa Claus in the nation's largest city must not use the Jolly Old Elf's traditional laugh because it could be offensive to women.

Instead, the Santas are being told, they should say "ha, ha, ha," the newspaper reported.
Which women, exactly, are going to be offended? The wh0res hanging out in Sydney shopping malls looking for business from Santa's elves?

Based on my extensive knowledge of Australia gleaned from repeated exposure to Mad Max and Monty Python sketches, I doubt it.

I'm thinking this is another product of the stupid ninnies who troll around the culture digging for the next traditional practice -- or feature of the language -- to be outraged by, all the while ignoring the horrible new outgrowths said culture is producing every day.
  • A reality show set in the Playboy mansion on a channel watched by mostly teenagers? No problem.
  • Hyper-sexualized -- in some cases hyper-bi-sexualized -- dating shows? Sounds fine to me.
  • A phrase that has been associated with Santa since the beginning of time Coca-Cola invented him and no one but a hypersensitive space alien without any sense of context could possibly misunderstand? You must be stopped!
Clearly, some people are hyper-accurate anti-barometers; when something bothers them or the nervous policymakers who enable them, you're almost always going in the right direction.

Offending these people is a good thing. Possibly even mandatory. So, don't be niggardly with the "Ho ho ho"s, Australian Santas. You're doing God's work, if not exactly Jesus'.

(Either way, stay away from those elf-baiting wh0res hanging out around your break room!)

A Very Sensitive Caring New Age Moron Mail

We could stop the made-up global warming hysteria tomorrow if Katherine Kersten would just write a column about how much she loves warm winter days and hates glaciers. The usual coterie of drooling morons would fall all over themselves about how the planet is doing just fine, thank you very much.

Banal? You ain't seen nothing yet.

The other day, Kersten wrote a column about some student newspaper editor at a local community college who was sacked for making an ersatz noose with a sign attached to it explaining to the paper's reporters the importance of meeting deadlines. The relevant part of this man's grievous offense is detailed in this graf here:

He is lamenting the headache of student reporters' missed deadlines with fellow staffers. The group jokes about various tongue-in-cheek motivational messages -- an ice pick, a bloody knife and other fanciful instruments of discipline. Keith impulsively sticks a mock noose made from his sweatshirt drawstring to the ceiling, with a note about the hazards of missed deadlines.

The drawstring was there a few minutes, he says, and he tossed it in the wastebasket before he left.

As with any Kersten column the drool flowed hard and fast from left-wing hack-o-sphere. Kersten is their version of NonMonkey - which is fine. We all need our red meat.

So I'll just hack apart the morons who wrote to the Strib about it instead:

There is just so very much wrong with Katherine Kersten's Nov. 19 column on Minneapolis Community and Technical College's response to the use of a noose in its college paper newsroom ("Noose outcry is a new entry in the campus hall of shame") that she leaves me not speechless, but stuttering with agitation.

I believe you. Only a mind paralyzed by impotent knee-jerk self-righteous rage would write that a noose was "used" to describe this incident. If the noose had been "used" we'd have a much different story here.

I won't address Kersten's failure to share a single fact from the incident or the college's response to it, or how she lazily takes quotes from others' stories while actually speaking to no one other than the noose-hanger in her single-minded quest to generate angry heat and no light around this issue.

Oh blah blah blah. Speaking of more heat than light, she rants on this way for another 5 paragraphs.

Nor will I explore how she generalizes wildly -- lumping this largely immigrant, first generation, working class and strikingly diverse two-year college in with her tiresome tirade against all "liberal" college classrooms.

A guy getting fired because two very hypersensitive jagoffs eager to be offended complained about a non-racial incident fits quite neatly into the liberal hell of speech codes and (baseless) identity politics that we were seeing a whole hell of a lot of even back when I was in college 15 years ago. (And yes, I do have stories and names.) That's what's "tiresome," you smug, condescending little git.

So, I'd be a little more judicious with my scare quotes if I were you.

Let me focus on one glaring, telling and inexcusable omission amidst all Kersten's heat and hype:

That MCTC has a required freshman course about making tenuous connections between obscure symbolism and an explicitly-stated non-racist joke?

Who else was in the newsroom when the noose was hung? Who, when asking an adviser for help, was told it was all a joke? And, when pursuing a grievance, who was told to speak to no one about it until the internal investigation was completed? Who found almost no campus support for nearly a full month until student groups met, called a rally and began the process of asking their college to begin addressing the issue?

The two young students of color whom Kersten never mentions, as well as the student groups supporting them, are calling us to begin this work.

And again, she was doing them a favor. Although, I am willing to give these two the benefit of the doubt, since such stupidity and eggshell-thin sensibilities are usually conditioned, and not innate.

Kersten's column tries to erase them and their experience by focusing on the noose-hanger, when in fact his intent is not the point at all.

Um yes. Yes it is. And this is why you are a smug condescending git.

This is an instrument that has killed millions of people of all colors, innocent and not. Does this image offend you? Why not?

This is another instrument that has been used to kill thousands, of all races, innocent and not. Does this image offend you? Why not?

And here is another image that has dispatched thousands, of many races, most of them guilty, many regrettably not. Does this image offend you? Why not?

So then here is this instrument, which can never be seen again because - what - it has been used on blacks in the south?

You know, they were shot too.

Oh riiiight - there have been a couple of recent incidences in places other than Minnesota where nooses have been displayed to intimidate or express racial hatred. Or, for all we know, perpetrate yet another hoax.

Well, isn't intent important there? I mean, you can't describe what makes the -planting of these nooses so bad with out mentioning why, right? Of course it's relevant, otherwise these PC ninnies would be burning any history textbook that contains pictures of what happened to traitors during the 18th and 19th centuries. Yes, hard as it is to believe, they hung white people too. Now pay attention, retards, because this next sentence is important.

While the noose was undoubtedly used to intimidate and terrorize blacks in the Jim Crow south, it was also used long before that (and for some time after) as a deterrent to crime and treachery.

Or should we eliminate all public displays of poles to prevent some oversensitive pagan woman of having to relive the horror of the Salem Witch Trials?

Oh shit. I may have given them another idea.

So anyway, my point is, if you take offense at a guy who hangs a noose with a note on it jokingly suggesting the punishment for missed deadlines, you should probably stay home, lock the doors, shutter the windows, and put a heavy duty content filter on your internet connection. Because, frankly, your eggshell mind can't handle the real world. And isn't one of the points of higher education to prepare its students for the real world? Ponder that.

What?

Oh, the condescending git isn't done yet:

The damage such symbols do to a community trying to respect and value every member is the point.

And to reiterate: it wasn't a symbol of hate as used. It was a tongue in cheek symbol of punishment. It really helps to think things through, before making asses of yourselves.

But Kersten would rather erase their experience for her own peace of mind, but our community needs to hear their experience so that we can deal with the lingering racial exclusion and racial violence in all our communities.

What experience? That a couple of jerks were offended by something that was not offensive, not intended to be offensive, and LABELED IN SUCH A WAY TO MAKE CLEAR THAT IT WAS NOT IN ANY WAY RELATED TO THE LYNCHINGS OF BLACK PEOPLE IN THE POST CIVIL WAR SOUTH??????????

Higher education my ass. The more I think about this the bigger problem I have with my tax money going to this bastion of non-education.

MCTC has the most diverse student body in the state and yet, with a nearly all-white faculty and staff, it has much work to do addressing institutional racism.

Oh gag. Getalife.

Speaking of "institutional":

KATHLEEN DEBONER, MINNEAPOLIS; TEACHER, MCTC

I weep for our children.

Monday, November 19, 2007

MOB AG Advisory Opinion #07-01: The Care and Feeding of Stalkers

Over the weekend, certain MOB bloggers and ThunderJournalists got their very own cyberstalker. Since few (if any) MOB members have run for or achieved a public office high enough to attract the attention of a cyberstalker, this may be new to many of you. Therefore, pursuant to my role as MOB Attorney General, I offer these simple dos and don'ts regarding your dealings with a stalker.


1) DO NOT comment on any of the cyberstalker's 70 71-odd websites. Commenting on a stalker site can provide the stalker with valuable information to aid his stalking habit.


2) DO carry mace with you whenever you go out into public.


3) DO NOT peremptorily mace your stalker. This is usually illegal. Wait for your stalker to do something that makes you feel in immediate apprehension of imminent bodily harm before emptying your can on the fucker. I know this rule may be disappointing to some, but the law is the law.


4) DO ruthlessly mock your stalker.


5) DO NOT try to reason with your stalker. Either mock him (by using his own tactics against him) or ignore him altogether. It will take more time than you have to fill out all his half-truths, refute his lies, provide the contexts he's stripped out and point out all of his unintentional ironies (like calling you an "attack blogger" on his attack blog). On the other hand, your stalker has a virtually unlimited amount of time to publish what is basically variations on the same post 80,000 times.


6) DO enjoy a beer or seven at the next MOB party. Stalkers seem to think this is somehow anti-social behavior.


7) Protect yourself from copyright infringement. DO NOT post pictures of yourself , your friends or your family in any public place. These things are the food that fuels your creepy stalker.


8) DO NOT use the words "transit" and "personal" and "rapid" together in the same sentence on your blog or ThunderJournal. This will cause your stalker to go berserk, no matter in what context those words appear.


9) DO allow your stalker to keep indulging his stereotypes. The deeper he delves into them, the sillier he looks.


10) DO NOT provide your stalker with anything he might see as material. Be judicious about what you write and post. If the only thing your stalker can come up with is a dashed off photoshop you did parodying his own skills, and some overblown, half-true incident that happened over two years ago, you're doing a good job.


11) DO google-bomb your stalker. Stalkers need traffic too.


12) DO make copious use of FAIL images whenever referring to your stalker on your blog, ThunderJournal or in a comment thread. Here is an example of an appropriate FAIL image:






With some prudence, good judgment and preparation, you can make your stalker an enduring source of amusement and self-esteem augmentation. So let's all be careful out there, OK?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Why won't they blow up?

Today I spent almost two hours pulling a corroded battery out of a car that clearly was designed to entomb its power source within its rotting corpse until the end of time. (Fricking Chrysler.) Besides the moronic design and the corrosion gluing everything together, I went slowly and carefully because I didn't want to complete the circuit and light myself up like a TFL (Tubby Fluorescent Light) bulb. I've got a wife and a kid, and I live a pretty good life, so I'd rather not turn myself into human cracklins.

Other people? Surprisingly, not so careful. Every few months we hear about a gas leak from an abandoned home that would have caused an explosion (or did). And now we have guys in the sewers cutting power lines to steal copper. (I bet that dude from the Xcel booth at the State Fair is pissed that he can't use that scenario to increase his imaginary body count.)

How are idiots like that still alive? Ignore this episode for the time being; how did they avoid, I don't know, burning their houses down because they thought their crown molding would work as a cheap heat source?

And if supremely stupid people like that don't get themselves killed, why am I worried about a little car battery? (Yeah yeah, blah blah physics blah blah...) It's not like I wish them harm or anything, but--no, wait, they're endangering the lives of people around them just to make a few bucks, and probably to support meth habits. Harm! Where were you when we needed you?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some sulfuric acid to go play with.

By the way: Hi, I'm the Analog Kid. Just trying to get into the swing of things and figure out how to work "poop" and "boner" into my writing more consistently.

Fishsticks Is Back

And he is pissed:

Of course, those questions and delving into historical interpretation aren’t as much fun, at least for some people, as playing with photo shop or seizing the opportunity to indiscriminately throw around dirt. That’s one of the reason’s I shrugged and put my blog on hiatus. The gutter isn’t even a nice place to visit.

Oh my.

Some Dumpster will write 15 posts referring to this as a "hissy fit" in 4...3...2...

Moron Mail

It's been a while. Let's see if I remember how to do this...


STEP 1: Find moron:


How can Reps. John Kline and Michele Bachmann be so shortsighted ("35W bridge funds hostage to D.C. feud," Nov. 15)? Minnesota needs this funding, not only to rebuild the 35W bridge, but to prevent future bridge collapses.


The whole country's infrastructure is crumbling. If Republicans are such penny-pinchers that they won't invest to repair our own nation's infrastructure, even after Minnesota's recent tragedy, they should never win another election.


STEP 2: Find information that stands Moron's argument, such as it is, on it's head:


Kline and Bachmann, frustrated by what they see as runaway spending, said they have signed their names to a separate bill that would provide the $195 million in bridge money. It has received no backing from Democrats, who all supported the broader transportation bill.


STEP 3: Mock Moron mercilessly using moron's own tone and rhetorical gimicks:


How can Congressional Democratics be so shortsighted (Drooling Dipshit Writes Letter to Strib, Nov. 16)? Minnesota needs this funding, not only to rebuild the 35W bridge, but to prevent future bridge collapses!!!!!!!!!!! Omigod WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!


The whole country's intellectual infrastructure is crumbling. If Democratics are such profligate spenders that they can't bring themselves to vote for a clean bill to repair our own nation's infrastructure (as opposed to funding bike paths from Duluth to International Falls named after Robert Byrd), even after Minnesota's recent tragedy, they should never win another election.


STEP 4: Pose loaded rhetorical question in true lefty-blogger style:


Why do Congressional Democratics hate bridges?


STEP 5: Step back and admire own brilliance.


STEP 6: Stick a "boner" in Moron's name:

EFFETE BONER, MINNEAPOLIS


STEP 7: Insert FAIL





Today's FAIL courtesy of Sisyphus.

Yes, it's all coming back to me now...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Ch-ch-ch-changes

As you can see, big things are going on behind the scenes of KAR. Iron Matron joins us today and quickly assumes the title of Best Handle on the Internet.

KAR - Now with boobies!

We also expect another new KARnie to join us soon. Having known this guy and seen his stuff over the past 3 years, I can tell you that he doesn't suck either.

Yes, we're consolidating our power in anticipation of the coming MOB war. Soon our plans for MOB domination will be complete, and you shall witness the power of a fully operational ThunderJournal!

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ahem.

So stay tuned. Until then, enjoy another English "translation" of a foreign pop song. It's like Earworm Wars, with the earworms removed, and dick jokes added.


Iron Matron Can Teach Us A Lot About Translation.

Dear KAR Readers,

I am honored to join this fine ThunderJournal as the token chick. In case you're thinking, "Wow. KAR finally offers some decorum to this blog," that would be a FAIL. I shall make my "maiden" post a catchy Indian music video that includes "translated" subtitles containing our favorite words. I guarantee this will create an all-day ear worm.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Just to Help Weiner Classify Us Better

I guess there are "standing" ratings amongst the MOB. Who knew?

Obviously KAR is:


Go to F-Dogs. Retrieve your status badge. Put it on your sidebar. Laugh at Weiner. Repeat.

The KAR Annual Christmas Gift Guide

Do you have a boy-crazy pubescent daughter who wants to be an architect when she grows up? Well, imagine her - and your - excitement upon finding this gift under the tree on Christmas morn:







And those Cock Blocs might even come in handy for you, should you find yourself playing in the MilF against a guy who found one of these under his tree:


No those aren't photoshops. They're real, and there's 10 more of them.
(And, oh yes, there are poop toys.)

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

It's Still OK to Bash Gays -- at Least on the Left

The following is from our writer The Head of Alfredo Garcia:

What happens when a leading local Democrat blogger publishes a virulently homophobic screed that refers to a private citizen as as “among those arrested with Larry Craig for cruising MSP airport bathrooms for anonymous sex”, and claiming “behavior and comments seem oddly similar in both form and content to Craig's”?

In Minnesota, evidently nothing—at least from his left-leaning compatriots in "Drinking Liberally", the MinnPost, the Daily Mole and the mainstream media.

Minneapolis dyspeptic crank Karl Bremer published the rant in the comment section of prominent liberal site "Lloydletta's Nooz" on October 3. Those are just a few salient quotes from it. If you want to read his further defense and giggly rationalizations of defamation and homophobia, you’ll have to visit the website yourself. Suffice to say it would make any gay-bashing cracker fratboy proud.

Bremer is a member, guest writer or interview subject for groups known as "Dump Bachmann", "the Daily Mole" and "Black Ink" among others. Among them these sites are read by virtually every left of center blogger in the Twin Cities, including elite left-of-center journalists Eric Black, Steve Perry, Eva Young and Jeff Fecke. Young reportedly is a leader in the local gay movement, so he clearly has their respect.

Yet since Bremer's “cruising MSP airport bathrooms for anonymous sex” comment ran last month, the silence from the usually fawning Sorosblog crowd has been deafening. Indeed, in the past week Bremer has been something of a celebrity among the local Sorosmedia, garnering appearances in the Mole, Blank Ink and Lloydletta.

The Daily Mole is run by Steve Perry, a former City Pages editor. Perry called Bremer a "guest", and ran a "guest op-ed" from him. Perry, an oft-quoted writer who is not known for his reluctance to express his opinion about Republicans when they cross the line of defamation, dissent or pretty much any line at all, real or imagined, has been mute about the viciousness of his own "guest's" writing.

Bremer also has the support of a blogger, "cartoonist" and former Whack Pudpounder Boobs 'n Buns Screw magazine editor, Ken "Avidor" Weiner, who writes on the Dump Bachmann blog, run by Eva Young. While Young may have little or nothing to do with Weiner's output, it clearly seems blessed with her imprimatur.

Avidor "produced" the following cartoon in response to and support of Bremer's homophobic rant:



It depicts the victim of Bremer's screed, Drew Emmer.

It appeared in Weiner's "Dump Mark Olson" blog, which has a permanent link from DumpBachmann, Lloydletta, and other prominent left-leaning blogs. One can only wonder what the uproar would be if a conservative prominently linked to an openly gay-bashing, anal-rape advocating site.

Even Eric Black, with his bully pulpit as the "Dean of Twin Cities' Political Journalists", has remained on the sidelines as his interview subject Bremer's writing and Avidor's supportive cartooning runs roughshod over human decency.

Substitute “Blacks” or “Jews” or “Christians” or “Catholics” for "Larry Craig" or "Drew Emmer" or "Anonymous Bathroom Sex" in Bremer's comment, and what do you think the reaction would be, even from the left? So how is it that someone can pen a comment defending joking about gay cruising and anal rape, and their words just hang out there on the Internet, linked in perpetuity from Lloydletta, the Daily Mole, Dump Bachmann and Black Ink, and other left-wing websites?

Perhaps because in this day and age, gays and anyone who speaks out against the nutroots are the last minority that it’s safe for the left to denigrate without fear of widespread repercussion from fellow liberals.

As a Minnesotan, I am ashamed to see Karl Bremer's ugly homophobia still alive and well in our state, which has over 400,000 gay residents. As a person of non-gay heritage, I am even more repulsed.

Isn’t it time Democrats, Liberals, the Media (pardon the redundancy) and their internet and media cheerleaders quit pointing their fingers at conservative political groups and their TV ads, and cleaned up the hatefulness in their own back yard? A good place to start would be a repudiation of their own family members, Karl Bremer and Ken "Avidor" Weiner, for the shame they've laid upon their doorstep. Because as long as they remain silent about fellow Dump Bachmann writer Bremer and his “anonymous sex-cruising gay” slurs, they will all wear the mantle of homophobe in my eyes.

The Head of Alfredo Garcia is a non-writer and has many acquaintances who are gay or have been raped while in prison, albeit not to the best of his knowledge by Karl Bremer or Ken Weiner.

(Gleefully adapted in whole from Bremer's original in the Mole, to which I hereby give "credit")

Blogger Young Is Livid Over Getting Owned

Curious...

Blogger Eva Young is hyperventilating about, er, something:


Eva Young on November 11th, 2007 10:18 pm

Sarah Janacek writes:

“This is great exposure, actually for Berg. I’ve never told him this before, but Berg is my great gut check about what a smart conservative guy, who happens to be divorced raising two kids working his rear off, thinks about our public affairs world.”

EY: You mean a guy who has no problem with commenters who impersonate other people on his blog (he allows that regularly with me, and that’s the reason I no longer comment there).


And therefore, it worked exactly as planned.

Or commenters like this on Berg’s blog:

# ak Says:
November 4th, 2007 at 10:14 am

Did you see that fat gob of suet Eva wrote about this piece?

*******

That was totally * snort* out of *giggle* line, and I condemn *pffffft* such insulting attacks!

Mitch Berg also links approvingly to a KoolAid Report post that links to this charming little cartoon by Tom Swift (aka Swiftee) that goes after me and Eric Black.

Where's that link? (HINT: There isn't one - she's making shit up.)

I believe Tom Swift and the Kool Aid Report anonobloggers were mad about Karl Bremer’s contribution to Eric Black Ink going after Michele Bachmann’s Farm Subsidies.

No, I think Karl Bremmer was mad at me for eviscerating his little attemped hit piece. It got crammed back down his throat, so therefore I had to pay. Since there's no ammo for his little slander machine to be gotten on KAR he tried to get at me through Anti-Strib, a blog I don't read.

I've currently run through my entire stack of FAIL images, otherwise I'd use one here.

I had nothing to do with that article.

And I have nothing to do with the Anti-Strib, yet that didn't stop Eva's drones from trying to slander me and many others. I have no problem playing by Eva's own rules. It's nice to give my brain a break now and then.

I very much appreciate satire, but haven’t really seen what’s funny about calling me a “fat pig” - one of the thoughtful comments left on Berg’s blog.

It was Karl Bremer who did the leg work on this story - and got it published in the Daily Mole. I had written about this post a few days after it was posted
.

Of course you did.

Just a reminder that it has now been one month since Eva was caught editing slanders anonymously into the wikipedia entries of some of her political enemies. She has yet to come clean and explain why she did it while at the same time holding others to a much higher standard. Why is Blogger Young stonewalling?

Developing....

Monday, November 12, 2007

Inside the Far Left-Wing DUMP (Drooling Unctuous Moronic Penisheads)

UPDATE 11/14: Welcome again Kossacks! And again I must admit to being more than a bit confused as to why the six or seven of you would read the dishonest ramblings of a former pornographer. I thought you people were supposed to be "progressive". Pornography exploits and objectifies women, leading to desensitization to rape and increased domestic violence. And Ken Weiner-Avidor was proud of his tenure at Screw Magazine.

In short, if you agree with Ken Weiner Avidor, you are not a good feminist.


NOTE: This is an exclusive KAR MultiFisk. KAR MultiFisks are reserved for only the most imbecilic brain turds of the moonbat fringe, containing stupidity too dangerous to be handled by only one ThunderJournalist. I am once again joined by Ryan Rhodes of [checking to see what today's name is] 10,000 Spoons, and our own resident misanthrope, the Head of Alfredo Garcia.

RYAN: The following link is what happens when somebody overgeneralizes about something they have absolutely no clue about and also happen to be a paranoid, reactionary cock-knob: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/11/10/114542/64]

WARNING: This post contains links to text and graphics on right-wing Republican blogs that may not be workplace-friendly or suitable for viewing by persons under the age of 18.

RYAN: That warning came from a guy who, if my understanding is correct, previously worked for a pinkie's up, monocle-only publication glamorously titled "SCREW Magazine." On Fark, this would warrant the "Ironic" tag.

FOOT: WARNING: Ryan's ass contains noxious gasses, poo residue and dingleberries that might not be suitable for for viewing by -

Arg. I just grossed myself out.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: (Spews chunks).

(Takes cell-cam, copiously films the spew slick).

Wow. Looks like Avidor's "art"!

They call themselves The Minnesota Organization of Bloggers or the MOB. They have close ties to the Minnesota GOP. Some of them are even linked on the MN GOP website.

FOOT: Some of them have children. Let's delve into this curious breeding culture in an exclusive Kos Diary expose'...

RYAN: I'm a fringe MOB member, and I have more ties to "SCREW Magazine" than I do to the Minnesota GOP. In other words, SOME MOBsters may have ties, while others don't. The MOB is not some political arm; it's a list of blogs that have authors who reside in Minnesota. That the list may tilt to the right is an indication it has better overall taste than the readership of, say, "SCREW Magazine."

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Or "Dump Bachmann", for that matter.

As mobs often do, the MOB attacks anyone who dares to to criticize any member of the MOB as well as their friends, associates and employers. The following is an example.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Really?

Who, in all of the past (counts fingers) four years has "the MOB" attacked?

Would Ken the Weiner have any links to "MOB attacks"?

FOOT: I will take this moment to remind our readers that this is a post on the Daily Kos attacking us and others for calling out Karl Bremer for playing the guilt by association game.

RYAN: To say nothing of the fact Avidor (as with many of his ilk) can't for the life of himself understand the difference between being "attacked," being "countered," and "being made fun of." They are crucial gradients, to be sure, but for him it's always "BEING ATTACKED." Alp, alp, ee's bein' attacked!

Project much? Here would be a good place to play our first...






Recently, a blog in good standing with the MOB called Anti-Strib

FOOT: I call on Mitch Berg, Brian Ward and Bananaman to declassify the secret list of MOB blogs Not in Good Standing, that obviously exists given Avidor-Weiner's use of an official sounding tone implying as much!

RYAN: In Good Standing? I know Foot already chimed in on this, but it's just sooooo stupid, and sooooo indicative of Avidor's complete ignorance of what the MOB even is. Hell, I'm in "good standing" with the MOB, and my main contribution in five years of blogg. . .er. . ThunderJournaling has been to circulate a picture of my own butt. Therefore, Kenny Boy, you get your next:

















FOOT: I bet you're listed as a "Blog in Good Squatting," Ryan.

published a virulently racist screed. The following is from an op-ed by Karl Bremer in the Daily Mole:

[Quote of Bremmer's brain turd omitted]

FOOT: You're welcome.

Karl Bremer, a constituent and critic of Congresswoman Michele Bachmann...

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: ...not to mention homophobic shitheel.

Did the Weenie mention that?

No?



was also a guest on former Star Tribune reporter Eric Black's blog this week.

FOOT: Objection! Irrelevant.



THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Overruled - behavior consistent with a narcissistic traffic whore. I'll allow it.

And isn't it interesting that - a month after Eberly's piece - suddenly Karl Bremer is getting breathless 24/7 coverage in the local Sorosphere?

And by "interesting" I mean "Who's Cracking the Whip On These Hamsters?"

This was apparently too much for the some members of the MOB. Some of the MOB went to battle stations and fired off some nasty posts about Karl Bremer, Eric Black, Dump Bachmann blogger Eva Young and myself.

FOOT: "Battle stations". Heh. Blogger Weiner is just jealous and livid because I totally pwn3d his little dumpster buddy. And you know that I pwn3d him because his piece was mentioned in the Bloghouse while mine wasn't. Tim O'Bonermort usually only quotes righties if he can rip their words out of context to embarrass them. O'Bonermort's omission can only mean that that post of mine was all kinds of win.

Well, that plus the fact that all I really needed to do was add context, point out one fact that Bremmer had included in his post yet seemed to continually ignore, and give a rote recitation of partnership law. Easiest fisk I ever did.

OK. I promise not to use the "word" "pwn" anymore. Sorry.

RYAN: Who the hell is this Avidor guy, anyway? He can't handle "nasty posts?" You! Avidor! Out of the Internet! If you can't endure nastinesss online without whining to your circle jerk "e-friends" at DailyKos, you really have no business being online. I've had collosal comment war discussions where insults were wielded like literary Molotov cocktails. Online insults carry about as much weight as a feather on the moon. If you actually let them get to you, you're a an "e-pussy." When it comes to having a spine, apparently, Ken once again gets a rating of:





















FOOT: That is an awesome FAIL.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: I think I saw something like it in Screw Magazine. Only it wasn't a baby carriage. Or a baby.

Here is a post from MOB blogger Learned Foot... which links to another MOB blogger "Swiftee" with this artistic creation.

FOOT: Objection! Irrelevant!

RYAN: Overruled for sheer bizarreness. I want to see how many links it takes him to connect you to Kevin Bacon.

FOOT: Mmmmm....Bacon...

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Or Kevyn Burger. Mmmm, Burger.

Here's another masterpiece of Swiftee, a former candidate for the Saint Paul School Board whose real name is Tom Swift. The MOB boss, Mitch Berg is big fan of Swiftee.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: And Berg thinks Avidor is a dink. Avidor finishes behind Swiftee. What does that tell you?




Seriously - Weener's cojones have retracted into his abdomen because Mitch Berg says Swiftee is a better cartoonist?

Weiner's gotta go up a ways to get to "e-pussy".

That's the spirit that got us to the moon, and made Screw magazine America's best-loved pr0n outlet, Weenie.

Some people will argue that this is to be expected in the "world wild web". I do a fair amount of Photoshop and You Tube satire myself and I support the right of the MOB bloggers to publish anything protected by the First Amendment.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Mighty big of ya, sport. The First Amendment is being watched over by the military, the SCOTUS, the ACLU, and...Ken Weener, failed pr0n-mag "art editor".

I sleep more soundly knowing this.

FOOT: WARNING: The following excerpt contains contains tortured logic, side-splitting irony and misapprehensions of reality that are so twisted and delusional that it may not be workplace-friendly or suitable for viewing by persons who possess more than 3 brain cells.

But, the difference is that nearly all the MOB bloggers support right-wing, fundamentalist Christian, "pro-family" Republicans.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Ryan? You're supposed to "lay hands" on other people, not yourself.

What kind of fundamentalist are you?

RYAN: What a total load of shit.

The MOBsters support candidates like Michele Bachmann and organizations who are pro-censorship and campaign against the free speech protection for sexual language and art.

RYAN: Eat, bite, suck, buck, gobble, nibble chew. Nipple, bosom, hairpie, fingerbang, SCREW! That was me campaigning against free speech for sexual language. I'm such an anti-MOBster.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Oooh! Can I play? "I thought I saw the name Ken Avidor among those arrested with Larry Craig for cruising MSP airport bathrooms for anonymous sex. I could be wrong, but Avidor's behavior and comments seem oddly similar in both form and content to Craig’s"

I'm edgy!

I AM AN ARTIST!

FOOT: Dirty Dave - HA! Remember "Barnacle Bill the Sailor Man?"

The ACLU is a favorite target of the MOB... and yet, a MOB blog like Anti-Strib has a regular feature called "Hot Chick Fridays" and recently featured a graphic of two "hot chicks" making out on top of a stack of beer kegs... this from a bunch that routinely condemns gays and lesbians.

RYAN: Oh, swoon and forsooth, we do so enjoy attractive eye candy. Guilty as charged. And I have never condemned gays and lesbians in my life. Gosh, I've even allowed my future wife's gay dad to routinely visit the house, and I don't even follow him around with a Swiffer to catch all his sloughed off gay skin cells or anything. And I've gone to his gay house countless times and swam in his gay pool with his gay boyfriend. As for the rest of the MOB, the only "condemning" I've seen going on is a debate over "gay marriage vs. civil unions." Avidor can take all this "condemning" talk and shove it up his butt sideways. As for "Hot Chick Fridays," a former art director for SCREW magazine doesn't have much in the way of believability when it comes to declaring outrage in this area. Captain Avidor, may I suggest you take the helm and declare:
















FOOT: Michele Bachmann is for speech codes and hate crime legislation? Who Knew?

Not Avidor-Weiner:



I'd be interested in knowing exactly what "pro-censorship" and "anti-free speech" legislative initiatives Bachmann has championed. I'm sure Weiner will take the opportunity to use this challenge to issue some off-topic non-sequitur response, which will merely earn another FAIL.

FOOT: I also think that Ken hates black people. I, of course have no proof of this, but when you play the game on their home court, mere allegations are enough.

I wonder if he got syphilis from that prostitute he hasn't denied sleeping with? Developing...

It's fun being evil!

The Republican Party of Minnesota will host the National Republican Convention in Saint Paul next year.

RYAN: Hey, that looks like a fact. What's that doing in this pile of bullshit?

It be interesting to see if the MN GOP will continue their close association with the MOB

RYAN: Close association? I had no idea I was so close to the movers and shakers in the MN GOP. The next time I post about taking a huge poop on my ThunderJournal, I'll be sure to wear a suit and tie, lest Pawlenty's reading.

FOOT: It will be interesting to see if the DFL and Michele Bachmann's next opponent will continue (start?) their close association with former porno mag editors...

or will they be celebrating "Hot Chick Friday" with the MOB at Keegan's Pub during the convention?

FOOT: Weiner-Avidor is just jealous because there were never any hot chicks in Screw Mag.

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Or at least that's what the real editor told him...


RYAN: I'm trying to envision the kind of woman who would appear in Screw Mag, and instead of FAIL, I'm left with:





















FOOT: Hee. I hope this FAIL thing takes off, just like "ThunderJournal" did.




THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: Bwahahaha!




Maybe we need something special for Ken Weiner:

Perfect!

A Very Special Poop Post

For some reason, in the past 24 hours people have been emailing me amusing poop-related items. I have no idea what inspired this poop flurry, but the stuff is too good to let it languish in my inbox. To the mailbag!

First up, Alert Reader Michael (no, not that Michael; the other one) points us to a video that might serve as an apt analogy to the Vikings performance at Lambeau yesterday.

Next, Alert Reader Larry writes about a recent vacation:

A couple of weeks ago when the family unit and I were in Florida, I took them to Lion Country Safari. If you’re unfamiliar with it, it’s a drive through zoo where the animals can come right up to your car. It was a whole lot better than I thought it would be, and the boys loved it.

Anyway, upon entering the Hwange (I know, but I’m not going there) National Park area (http://www.lioncountrysafari.com/Preserve/Hwange.htm) I noted the White Rhinoceros/Rhinoceri. Naturally, being a proud member of the male gender, was curious as to the output of said beasts. The Woman was absolutely appalled that I would take note of this, much less stop the car, roll down the window (contrary to park rules) and take a picture. While the boys giggled uncontrollably in the back seat, she proceeded to ask “why?”, in a recognizably shrill voice, and at that moment I have to admit that I used you and your blog as an excuse. “Honey, I know this guy who writes a blog that talks about poop a lot, and I think he might be able to use this picture alongside letters to the editor written by dumb lefties or some other good purpose. How often do you get in front of a pile of rhino poop?” It was at that point that I realized that I didn’t help my situation by admitting that I was a regular reader of a blog that talks about poop, and I did my best to change the subject while she sat there with a disgusted look on her face. “Hey kids, look! I think the Elephants are coming up!”

Indeed, there would be great shame in admitting to being a regular reader of a blog about poop. Fortunately, KAR is a ThunderJournal.

In any case, since I did use you and KAR as an (albeit failed) excuse, I thought it only fair to forward the picture. I trust that you’ll find good use for it.


This is why KAR rules. You don't find original photography of Rhino poo on Instapundit, do you?
And finally, Alert Reader Nancy hooks us up with another video: a sort of "translation" of an Indian pop song. The poop angle is tangential, but its well worth a look.

Hopefully This Will Clarify Things

There seems to be some confusion as to what constitutes a racist tirade and what is merely an attempt to pierce the PC veil. Here's a primer:

This is a good example of mocking the PC establishment.* Note the presence of cleverness with a whiff (but only a whiff) of class.

This is a ham-fisted, insult-laden, poorly-researched failed attempt to be provocative by a cretin who's good at put downs but little else.


* Dead link in post was to story about how some "victim" group got up in arms about someone's use of the term "tar baby" to describe an intractable problem.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Does Kos Read Screw Magazine?

Curious.

We here at KAR have never been linked to from Powerline or Instapundit.

But we got a Kosquake!

Well, not really a Kosquake. More of a mild tremor. Would you believe a shimmy?

Yeah it's Weiner. Nobody reads his Kos diary either.

Friday, November 09, 2007

HEY KARL

If you've got a problem with someone's stupidity, take it up with that person. Contrary to what your Politcal Character Assasination Tactics book may tell you, the Imputation Game (trying to taint as many people as possible with one wrong done by a single individual who may or may not be loosely associated with them), reveals an intellectual deficit beyond help. Plus it's lazy.


If I've written something that merits criticism, then fine, have at me. But I'm not taking responsibility for the brain dead ramblings of others (way to not link to the object of your ire, coward); especially one that's as attenuated as this is. I have neither the time, nor the inclination to be the Decency Police for every stupidity (and yes, it was deeply stupid - Karl stumbles into a correct conclusion for once) uttered on a MOB blog. In fact, if the last 2 days were any indication, tracking your imbecilic slanders may occupy all of my blogging time.


You're oh for two this week. Maybe you should take a short break, twit.


Welcome Everyone on the FAIL Mailing List

Welcome weirdos on the Dump Bachmann mailing list (and a special howdy to the many of you surfing in on public sector computers)! Have a look around. Make yourself at home. Try the bacon - it's delicious.

You can find all my posts about Eva's and Weiner's mental problems, near-schizophrenic paranoia, and their self-serving, shifting ethics here. Most of it is written in their style, so you shouldn't find it too, er, challenging.


Now go away. You people scare me.


(I really should take this opportunity to send props to Ryan who hepped me to this whole FAIL thing weeks ago.)

Former Porn Merchant Has Undies In Bunch About Foot's Pwn3rship of Fellow Dumpster

WELCOME KOSSACKS!

Given your reputations as good progressives and feminists, I'd be remiss if I didn't warn you that the fella who pointed you to my little place here on the internets was a proud contributor to Screw Magazine - a porno magazine that wallowed (wallows) in the exploitation and objectification of women.

I would think that good feminists and progressives such as yourselves would condemn the sort of victimization of which Mr. Avidor (or, as he was called in his Screw Mag days, Mr. Weiner - and no, I'm not making that up) takes such pride.

Thank you,
Management


============================================

Curious.


Blogger Weiner is hyperventilating about how fellow Dumpster Karl earned a FAIL.



Er...



Well, by now you know how the Screw Magazine alum rolls. Thus you already see what's coming:







I wonder if the Dumpsters will use an anonymous IP to edit this nonstory into Bachmann's already well-vetted wikipedia entry?

Developing...

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Dumpster Pwns Michele Bachmann! Er, Wait. No...That's a FAIL

Former Stribber and current propagandist has a modest scoop, brought to him by a rediculous looser:

Guest Poster Karl Bremer of Stillwater, a marketer and free-lance journalist [Curious...developing...READ MY BLOG! --ed.], considers himself U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann’s least favorite constituent. He has attempted to ask her questions by phone, email and letter and has never received an answer, including his queries relating to this piece.

Looking at Bachmann’s financial disclosure statement, he found that Bachmann holds a substantial interest and receives income from a Wisconsin farm. Further down the paper trail, Bremer found that the Bachmann family farm received more than $125,000 in federal subsidies between 2001 and 2005. (The farm is very likely still receiving them, although the 2006-2007 records aren’t available online.) Bachmann generally opposes such big government excesses. So, is it hypocritical for her to benefit from them? Here’s Bremer’s report, you decide
.

While Rep. Michele Bachmann was voting with one hand against the 2007 farm bill that would extend federal farm subsidies programs through 2012, she has been harvesting federal farm subsidies with the other, and slipping them into her own pocket.

A 949-acre Wisconsin farming operation — in which Bachmann owns up to a quarter-million-dollars interest — collected $47,128 in federal farm subsidies between 2004-2005. That same operation—the Bachmann Farm Family Limited Partnership — has collected as much as $127,868 in federal farm subsidies since the partnership was established in 2001
.

Only a truly brain dead Dumpster (sorry for the redundancy) would accuse a Congresswoman who VOTED AGAINST HER OWN PECUNIARY INTEREST of being a hypocrite. I suggest Karl apply that same standard to other office holders.

I anxiously await his findings (yet I will play it safe and continue drawing breath in the meantime).

Gotta borrow a page from Fark on this one:



And while the Dumpster acknowledges that there's nothing illegal about taking government subsidies while VOTING AGAINST THEM in Congress, he does jump through hoops to try and insinuate that there's something nefarious about Ms. Bachmann's business dealings (in a paragraph that literally made my head explode given my knowledge about business law):

Michele Bachmann has done nothing illegal by collecting federal farm subsidies. The establishment of a limited partnership for a farming operation no doubt is to reduce her tax liability—i.e., a tax shelter. And it conveniently keeps Michele’s own name out of the farm subsidy database.

As it would if her family LP was organized as an LLC a GP, a LLLP, an LLP, an S Corp or a good old-fashioned C Corp. That's the nature of a business organization. It's a juridic entity that stands in place of its owners.

***WARNING: ACCOUNTING PORN FOLLOWS***

There is a tax advantage to organizing a business as a non corporate entity (i.e. an LLC, or a partnership). Partnerships and LLCs are "pass-through entities". That means that any income attributed to a partner is taxable as ordinary income on the partner's individual tax return. If a business were organized as a C corp, then revenues are subject to double taxation (first on the corporate profits, and then again on the dividends paid to the shareholders as ordinary income.)

So, you have a business. Would you rather be taxed twice or taxed once?

If you are a Dumpster and answer "once, please", then I guess you are a big fat hypocrite.

Second, and probably most importantly, is the nature of a Limited Partnership. An LP must have at least one general partner and at least one limited partner. The general partner's role is analogous to that of the board of directors of a corporation - and in many cases that of management as well. The general partner makes all the "big picture" decisions regarding the conduct of the business. In contradistinction to the general partner's role, the limited partner is nothing more than a passive investor. In fact, by statute, a limited partner is prohibited from getting involved in the business of the partnership.

Given the facts as the Dumpster laid them out, I'd be surprised if Bachmann was not a limited partner, and thus powerless to make the business decision of accepting the government subsidies that she voted against.

Which brings us to the big bad evil loaded term "tax shelter." Do you have a 401(k)? A Roth IRA? You do? Then, congratulations! You too have a "tax shelter".

Simply put, a "tax shelter" is anything that eliminates the need to pay taxes on current income, and defers taxation of that income for as long as possible. In today's parlance you don't hear the term "tax shelter" much anymore since all of the major ones are encouraged because they promote personal savings for retirement.

Back in the days before Reagan's evil tax reforms thatmadetherichgetriccherwhilethepoorgotpoorer, investors pooled some of their current incomes as limited partners into LPs that conducted some business that involved buying high depreciation assets, like say, an equipment rental business. The depreciation on the equipment (which was calculated as a front loaded amortization like your typical mortgage), would far outstrip the revenue generated by the business resulting in a loss. That loss passed through to the limited partners which they could then use as a writeoff on their personal income taxes. This was the archetypal "tax shelter". The Tax Reform Act of 1986 (I think that was the one anyway) seriously restricted the writeoffs that individual taxpayers could write off from these so-called "passive activity losses" to the point where you don't see this sort of practice any more.

In fact the only time you hear "tax shelter" any more, is when it is used in its anachronistic loaded sense to slime people. As we see here.

So, the Dumpster is a moron, and gets one more of these:

Nice try though.

Oh, and that fail also goes to Eric Black for his gatekeeping.