Friday, December 28, 2007

The Year in Suck: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 3

Part 1
Part 2

APRIL

4/1 -- Foot forgets to come up with April Fool's Day prank. Dashes off some crappy hoax, blows out knee.

4/3 -- Joe Tucci joins KAR for a special mission, discovers that even with all of that money Minnesota Monitor gets from someone other than George Soros to pay for bloggers and Lexis/Nexis accounts, they somehow can't afford a wireless card.

4/4 -- While blaming John Kline's staff for his failure to bring a wireless card to the John Kline Town Hall Moonbat Forum, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer refers to himself as "this reporter." KAR confident that they now have a running gag that will last until 2008.

4/6 -- Dementee comments on American Idol phenom Sanjaya Malakar's resemblance to Leif Garrett. No, really.

4/9 -- Noted porn superstar gets plastic surgery on her va-jay-jay. KAR gets floppy with double entendres.

Foot blogs against theocracy, blows out knee.

4/12 -- Demagoguing about some stupid remark Don Imus made? Yeah, Iron Maiden something to teach us about you.

4/16 -- *weep* *sob* *sniff* BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PENGUINS???!!!

Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer makes shit up to advance an argument. Bears continue to shit in woods. Sky remains blue. Linsay Lohan still drunk.

4/18 -- Pursuant to the Minnesota Monitor's Code o' Ethics, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer retracts post based on fictional premise, apologizes to his readers and to those he painted in a false light. Just kidding.

4/19 -- Minnesota Monitor's Editor in Chief clarifies the situation by informing us that Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's controversial post was actually a "column,"and that such a designation allows the New Journalist Fellow to fabricate facts. Nick Coleman, Paul Krugman, Rosie O'Donnell sleep soundly for the first time in a week.

4/20 -- Strib editorial board proclaims that stare decisis is good, reversing its earlier opinion on the same matter. KAR reenrolls in law school so it can finally get this shit straight.

4/23 -- Sheryl Crow suggests people restrict their toilet paper use to one square per session to save the earth. KAR confident that it has enough poop jokes to last until 2008.

4/24 -- John Derbyshire slaughters 31 Virginia Tech students because he has a penis. Or something.

4/25 -- KAR's epic comic strip "Fleen" debuts. Foot kicks back and waits for the City Pages' "Best of the Twin Cities" awards to roll in, blows out knee.

4/27 -- Bill comes out of hiding. Posts pictures of his effeminate-looking "dog." Ridicule forces him back into hiding.

4/30 -- 9/11 truthers shocked to learn that fire actually can melt steel. Truthers go on to claim that this must mean that James Prescott Joule is behind the scenes, secretly pulling Dick Cheney's strings.


MAY

5/1 -- KAR discovers that retards that troll the comment sections of blogs need to get a life. Who knew?

5/2 -- Foot scores the incredibly hard-to-find Nintendo Wii. Immediately blows out knee playing Wii Tennis.

5/3 -- Moron writes letter to the Strib that would win the 2007 "Moron Mail of the Year" if such an award existed.

5/4 -- "Yo mama - I glad she dead!" Foot kicks back and pines for the cultural color of Milwaukee that he misses so much.

5/8 -- Nothing gold can stay: ass-o-lanche dries up. James Lileks somehow involved.

"LearnedFoot" conducts an "interview" with the aforementioned "Lileks".

5/9 -- Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer conducts an interview entirely through e-mail with a political enemy whom he has slimed and ridiculed in the past. What could possibly go wrong?

5/10 -- Lord O'Bonermort gets uppity that someone might not respect a "journalist" of Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer's caliber. KAR shows O'Bonermort what a slander trap looks like.

5/16 -- In order to better fulfil its mission of bringing to the internet responsible and transparent citizen journalism that fosters an open and informed dialog in the community, Minnesota Monitor changes its comment policy to exclude criticism and starts banning commenters.

Inspired by MinnMoni's move, KAR implements its own commenting policy that excludes everyone except sycophantic commenters, Sisyphus, and guys named "Dave". Chad the Elder manages to hack the system in less than a minute.

5/17 -- LearnedFoot pens historic antitrust law post. It quickly becomes the longest post never to be read by anyone in the history of the internet.

5/22 -- Mrs. Foot fights cancer by throwing a party where people drink lots of wine, eat fatty foods. Picture of Noted Marquette Almnus Denbo goes viral resulting in his new worldwide internet fame as "That Spoon Guy".

5/23 -- KAR discovers that increased demand along with static supply causes increased prices. Who knew? (Hint: Not NonMonkey)

5/25 -- With the I-35W bridge collapse still over 2 months away, Minnesota's government addresses the state's most pressing need. KAR is all over that shiznit.

5/30 -- Silly "feminist"! Being "empowered" doesn't mean you get to change what words mean just because you have a va-jay-jay!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

KAR Reader Helps To Inspire Bacon Campaign Slogan

Many thanks to "Dave in Pgh" whose comment in the "Bacon Ad" post helped me to come up with the ultimate Bacon campaign slogan.

Since we are at war, I would be wise to begin saving the bacon drippings to manufacture terrorist repellent in my basement. Bacon -- the perfect candidate to prosecute the war on terror!

Dave was hired by the Bacon 2008 Campaign as a key advisor, and I rushed to produce this poster:



Victory will soon be ours.

Reopening Old Wounds: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 2

Part 1


MARCH

3/1 -- KAR radio debut purposefully ignored by John Hinderaker. Foot resurrects N.A.A.P.A.L.M. confident he has a running gag that can last until 2008.

3/5 -- Foot scores tickets to The Police concert, writes haiku.

Internet revolutionized again as letter to Strib compared to salad poop.

3/6 -- In a post loosely based on Waiting for Godot, Bill digs pies out of the garbage, Dementee karaokes Unchained Melody and Bogus Doug magically appears. Presumably, the drugs wore off a short time later.

3/7 -- NAAPALM running gag forgotten.

3/8 -- Breaking the seal: after 2 long months, KAR finally posts its first Afternoon Delight video of the year.

3/9 -- Michael Brodkorb wins summary judgment in the defamation suit against him. Noted local management-side labor attorney gadfly proclaims that this decision confirms that Brodkorb's statements were defamatory.

3/12 -- In an effort to build consensus among the scientific community regarding the dire effects of Global Climate Change(TM), alarmists begin issuing death threats.


Much like Voldemort rising, the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy reconstitutes, only to be immediately discovered by Hillary Clinton. Ministry of Magic denies. (With secret message goodness.)

3/15 -- Dementee provides a clear-headed and even-handed analysis of the advantages and drawbacks of the Employee Free Choice Act without accusing anyone of being a Communist. Just kidding.

3/19 -- Introducing... FREAKY PURPLE SIGN DUDE!!! YAY!

3/20 -- KAR makes a play to get Atomizer. FAIL!

Moonchild attempts to injure himself for your amusement.


3/21 -- LearnedFoot loses his grandfather, finds very cool WWII pic of him, blows out his knee.

3/22 -- What do pharmacists who refuse to dispense birth control and The Rule Against Perpetuities have in common? Well, as it turns out, nothing.

3/23 -- Chad the Elder gets his own open thread to defend himself from an attack in a Brain Lambert column. In other news, as of March 2007, Brian Lambert apparently still had a column somewhere.

3/26 -- Clever and worldly Minneapolitan invents the gin and tonic.

3/27 -- The House of the Future will feature giant egg beaters, communal electric cars, and soylant green made from dead Floridians who drown in the great deluge that comes just before that one dude's cats die.

George Soros funds everything. Except for Minnesota Monitor.

3/28 --Fearing that the nanny state hasn't done enough, some dumb day care center bans legos.

3/30 -- Dementee calls for armed revolution coining a rallying cry repeated throughout the world: "FUCK PHYLLIS KAHN!"

You Stay Classy, Enviro-catastrophist Nutjubs!

NOTE TO THE SOUTH: Unstable moonbat wants you dead so lefties can rule our country with a beneficent fist:

Say what you will about the looming catastrophe facing the world as the pace of global heating and polar melting accelerates. There is a silver lining.

It's complete bullshit?

Look at a map of the US.

I'm familiar with it, go on...

The area that will by completely inundated by the rising ocean—and not in a century but in the lifetime of my two cats—are the American southeast, including the most populated area of Texas, almost all of Florida, most of Louisiana, and half of Alabama and Mississippi, as well as goodly portions of eastern Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina. While the northeast will also see some coastal flooding, its geography is such that that aside from a few projecting sandbars like Long Island and Cape Cod, the land rises fairly quickly to well above sea level. Sure, Boston, New York and Philadelphia will be threatened, but these are geographically confined areas that could lend themselves to protection by Dutch-style dikes. The West Coast too tends to rise rapidly to well above sea level in most places. Only down in Southern California towards the San Diego area is the ground closer to sea level.

Aha! The obliteration of nearly a third of this country is a "silver lining"! This guy's about as stable as Rosie O'Donnell on a Xanax and doughnut fast.

And I abhor the fact that I will have long forgotten this post by the time this turd's cats snuff it.

So what we see is that huge swaths of conservative America are set to face a biblical deluge in a few more presidential cycles.

And there you have it: massive death = WIN for John Edwards' Second America! Is this what that idiot Communist Norwegian bigot means when he blathers on about "eliminationist rhetoric"?

Then there’s the matter of the Midwest, which climate experts say is likely to face a permanent condition of unprecedented drought, making the place largely unlivable, and certainly unfarmable. The agribusinesses and conservative farmers that have been growing corn and wheat may be able to stretch out this doomsday scenario by deep well drilling, but west of the Mississippi, the vast Ogallala Aquifer that has allowed for such irrigation is already being tapped out. It will not be replaced.

Presumably, the liberal farmers will be largely unaffected, what with their ability to access water through Al Gore's internet.

This has got to be a satire.

So again, we will see the decline and depopulation of the nation’s vast midsection—noted for its consistent conservatism. Only in the northernmost area, around the Great Lakes (which will be not so great anymore), and along the Canadian border, will there still be enough rain for farming and continued large population concentrations, but those regions, like Minnesota, Wisconsin and Illinois, are also more liberal in their politics.

Finally, in the Southwest, already parched and stiflingly hot, the rise in energy costs and the soaring temperatures will put an end to right-wing retirement communities like Phoenix, Tucson and Palm Springs. Already the Salton Sea is fading away and putting Palm Springs on notice that the good times are coming to an end. Another right-wing haven soon to be gone.

You are seeing a whole team of psychiatrists, aren't you?

So the future political map of America is likely to look as different as the much shrunken geographical map, with much of the so-called “red” state region either gone or depopulated.

There is a poetic justice to this of course. It is conservatives who are giving us the candidates who steadfastly refuse to have the nation take steps that could slow the pace of climate change, so it is appropriate that they should bear the brunt of its impact.

Please, please please call me after your cats die (does it surprise anyone that this fool has multiple cats?). I will fly out personally to tell you to "suck it".

The important thing is that we, on the higher ground both actually and figuratively, need to remember that, when they begin their historic migration from their doomed regions, we not give them the keys to the city.

Oh, that's quite all right - we're the ones that own all the guns. Also, since all the farmers are (scrolling up to double check) conservative, we won't give you any food either. So neener neener neener pffffffffft!

They certainly should be offered assistance in their time of need, but we need to keep a firm grip on our political systems, making sure that these guilty throngs who allowed the world to go to hell are gerrymandered into political impotence in their new homes.

Ah yes! that whole forced one-party thing that has worked out so well elsewhere when it's been tried! We all bow to your ignorance of history while assuming your infallability to predict our dim dim future!

There will be much work to be done to help the earth and its residents—human and non-human—survive this man-made catastrophe, and we can’t have these future refugee troglodytes, should their personal disasters still fail to make them recognize reality, mucking things up again.

We'll just let that graf hang there, without comment, and allow the reader to glean all the evil that it implies.

It should be considered acceptable, in this stifling new world, to say, “Shut up. We told you this would happen.

Again, call me when your cats are dead. We can meet on the beach in Missouri.

Moron.

Oh, there's an "About the Author" blurb. Read it. Draw your own conclusions.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Year in Repoo: 2007 KAR-Style -- Part 1

JANUARY



1/2 -- Mrs. Foot rings in the new year with a double mastectomy. Whole sitting in the hospital waiting room, Foot silently wonders if a mass layoff of the Strib Editorial board would also be called a "mastectomy".

In unrelated news, Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer self-righteously opens a post declaring "I will not be silent!" (same link). KARnies confident they have a running gag that can last until 2008.

1/3 -- Nanny state runs out of things to ban, so it goes after cheese and sledding. KAR and Iron Maiden hail our new risk-free existence.

1/5 -- Saddam goes to that Great Big Mass Grave in the Sky. Morons rush to defend him.

At a party celebrating her swearing in as the first female Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi vows to fight against poverty and for the little guy while noshing on goat cheese ravioli with pumpkin and truffle served by non-unionized illegal immigrants.

1/8 -- The Notorious B.I.L. discovered to be missing.

1/9 -- Foot fantasizes about stabbing some moonbat in the eye with a fork. Obviously, blogging as a vehicle for anger management still not working after 2 years.

1/11 -- Sisyphus gets his first open thread of the new year.

1/12 -- "Good evening Congressfuck Douchebag. I just screwed your wife! Ha ha! Pwn3d! Me so clever!" Having written that line, LearnedFoot sits back satisfied that he has accomplished everything he has set out to do with this ThunderJournal and decides to take the rest of the year off.

1/17 -- Kevin "Kevie" Ecker finally wins a major award.

1/18 -- Stop spelling words like the Brits, you pretentious boneur!

1/23 -- Jimmy Carter releases new book blaming the Jews for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Dementee writes a thoughtful, even-toned article exploring the nuances and failings of Carters argument. Just kidding.

1/24 -- Showing that KAR isn't merely a vehicle for ranting and off-color humor, LearnedFoot takes a cue from the annual leftymeme "Blogs for Choice" and initiates KAR's first blogs for a cause - a cause that everyone can get behind.

1/25 -- Michele Bachmann kisses the President on the cheek after the State of the Union Address. Lefty bloggers and the stalkerazzi begin 3 month long masturbation session. KAR is there.

1/30 -- "Digital sphincters." What's it about? Who cares - it has "digital sphincters" in the title, man!

1/31 -- In an endearing story about the profundity of fatherly love, LearnedFoot decides to learn how to skate so that he can better help his daughter realize her dream of becoming a hockey player.

FEBRUARY

2/1 -- LearnedFoot blows out his knee skating; enrolls daughter in swimming lessons.

Molly Ivins dies. KAR ThunderJournaling futures take a 30% hit.

2/5 -- The Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System pays off big. Yet again.

2/6 -- LearnedFoot has had quite enough of the cliche "speaking truth to power," thank you very much, makes rude gesture, threatens ass whoopin's, notices that the "I will not be silent" running gag has been abandoned for two weeks, eats a burrito.

2/7 -- NonMonkey writes an intelligent, well-researched, balanced account based on statements from disinterested sources about a major dispute between Congressman John Kline and some of his constituents over a very important matter. Just kidding.

2/8 -- The John Edwards campaign hires a couple of talentless foul-mouthed Christian hating harpies to run his blog. Naturally, Foot wants in on the action. "Cum-guzzling boozehound" enters the American lexicon.

2/12 -- MilF hype begins 6 months before the event, and 2 months behind schedule.

2/13 -- Talentless foul-mouthed Christian hating harpies quit Edwards blogging gig and encourage those dim enough to read their booze-soaked cum guzzlings to go after the Catholic League's tax exempt status. In related news, the Catholic League's attorney looks for something to do.

2/14 -- In a totally unforeseen development, cum guzzling booze hound claims she was attacked for being "uppity". Still oblivious to the damage that whole "I hate 80% of the population" thing might do to the Edwards campaign.

2/15 -- A staffer of Congressman Keith Ellison calls cops on Tom Tancredo for smoking in his office. Dementee writes a touchingly poignant and witty essay about sensitivity, human understanding, and the need for all of us to be able to resolve our conflicts peaceably without resort to outside power. Just kidding.

2/19 -- KAR celebrates President's Day with its favorite former President and its least favorite celebrity.

2/23 -- KAR hits the big time when the Northern Alliance Radio Network commissions LearnedFoot to record a bit based on a fake weather alert post, broadcasting the recording to literally dozens of listeners.

2/27 -- Assassination attempt on Dick Cheney fails. Moonbats are relieved. Just kidding.

A Very Redneck Christmas

By now, everyone has seen this amazing Christmas light display. But just because you don't gots no big ole house and some dag-gum fancy pants new fangled computer thingy doesn't mean that you can't decorate your humble abode in a similar manner.

So sit back, relax, stop all the fussin' and a-feudin', pull your spouse/cousin close, pop open a Grain Belt - aw hell, this is Christmas; make it a Budweiser - and enjoy an elaborate Christmas display for the rural folk (complete with light-up flamingos):

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Bacon For President Unveils Christmas Ad

On Christmas Day, you can usually find the "yule log" fireplace somewhere on television. It's a nice background video to have onscreen (if you're not fortunate to have the real thing) whilst conversing with family and friends. But hold on...

At KAR, we offer a new yule log that does double duty: enjoy the sizzle that's the schnizzle. And, see and hear why bacon was so easily picked by KAR for our presidential candidate. If you look closely, you'll see a cross image floating next to the bacon. Some might say, "Hey dork: it's the gas stove-top grates." That's for you to decide. As an added bonus, you'll see boobies near the end (Hey dork, it's two eggs — but again, that's for you to decide).

Fire up your computer, crank your speakers to 11, and make your yuletide gay with deliciousness. We can't loop it, but you can click the replay button all day.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Annual "Dick in a Box" Post


Ha ha! No, not "Nick in a Box" (what did you think I meant?).
Dick in a Box:




Happy Holidays to you from the KAR Krew.
(Yes, even you, Nick.)

Friday Bacon Post

1) Top 11 things to put bacon on. Sisyphus jealous he didn't think of it first.

2) Video goodness: why the world needs bacon:

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Well, It All Depends on What the Definition of "Sock" Is, Now Doesn't It?

Eric Black parlays his Suckie Award into a new gig:

Effective in the New Year, Black Ink and your humble ink-stained wretch will join MinnPost.com.

Black Ink will become a page on MinnPost’s site and my scribbling (or a link to it) will appear on MinnPost’s cover.

I am parting on good and friendly terms with the Minnesota Monitor, where my work over the past months has been published, and I wish my esteemed colleagues there the very best
.

Now, you know that we here at KAR prefer to discuss ideas, the use of rhetoric for political purposes, bacon and poop. We try to avoid gossipy people-oriented twaddle (unless we're parodying Ken Aviweiner). So you'll be relieved to know that there's another paragraph to Black's farewell address:

I’ve always meant to write piece titled “Who Pays Me?” Never got around to it. But if I had, I would have said that I was working under a contract with the Center for Independent Media (CIM), a Wasington-based non-profit, which is the parent organization of the Monitor and three other similar state-based sites.

Well, yes. That is the standard answer.

And I would have said that the silly [oh, Eric... I am going to have to rhetorically bludgeon the living shit out of you in a moment for that adjective -ed.] attack [and that one too -ed.] meme of some conservative bloggers that the Monitor was staffed by George Soros sock puppets was nonsense. Soros’ foundation is one of several that contribute to the CIM so I guess I have some Soros money in my checking account,

And it bears mentioning here in a non-parenthetical paragraph that this is the very first time anywhere in the year and change history of MinniMoni that anyone connected with that website has admitted as much. Why?

but I was never asked, pressured or even encouraged to promote any particular point of view and the same goes for the Monitor’s other writers.

Well, if you are using the narrowest definition of "sock puppet," then I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

But if you have more respect for the language and its sometimes colorful idioms, this is a Clintonian dodge. And lest we never forget that Soros' flagship joint, MoveOn was originally founded to cast recriminations at Republicans who were in the process of impeaching Bill Clinton.

Say your house has a mouse infestation. And further assume that you are an old-timey sort that doesn't believe in exterminators or mouse traps. So instead, you buy a cat.

Do you have to tell a cat to go hunt the mice?

NO! Of course not, silly! The cat just goes and gets the mice, because that's what cats do.

Of course they don't tell CIM fellows what to write. The sugar daddies funding the operation already know what will be written. I mean, if you get enough leftybloggers in one room, one thing you can bet they won't do is hammer out a compelling defense of of the flat tax. No, the import of the funding sources relate not so much to the editorial content, but to the blog's raison d'etre. And George Soros doesn't give a flying crap about "citizen journalism" in any sense that it would benefit the public at large. He wants liberals in power, and he wants them left alone. That's it.

To think otherwise - and to think those concerns are petty - is "silly".

So, the sock puppet slur aimed at MinnMoni and its minions is based on three things. First, it's paying to get more "eyes on the ground" to dig up dirt on the Party Opposite that may be used in ads and the media to win elections. In other words A paid journalistic (term used incredibly loosely) hit squad. You know why you hate Michael Brodkorb as much as you do (we hear about it on an almost hourly basis)? What the hell makes you think you're any different?

Oh, that's right. You have a "code" of "ethics".

Second, the payment of leftybloggers to barf out yellow journalism they'd gladly do for free anyway offends a lot of bloggers who have or who aspire to build their sites and their readership to the point where they maybe - maybe -might make enough off of Blogads to pay their domain costs with their talent. "Oh, geez. I guess all I had to do was bitch about global warming, slime Michele Bachmann on a daily basis and find a sugar daddy."

Third is the almost stultifying hypocrisy. MinnMoni demands transparency from others. But it just took one year and four months for anyone to give an acceptable, nonglib answer to "who's paying your stipends"? Sorry, Black, but you can't purport your site engages in "serious journalism," while at the same time it a) all looks like so much left-wing propaganda, and b) refuses (until today) to tell us who's paying you when held to that same standard of transparnecy by us loathsome "attack" bloggers. Ever heard the phrase "consider the source"? Some folks actually do like to do that. Or is that just "silly"?

And as a slight digression, if the things you have written about Rachel Paulose, Michele Bachmann and us "conservative attack blogs" aren't "attacks" themselves, then what are they?

I just wish you had posted this after the first of the year so I could give you a 2008 Suckie.

UPDATE: WELCOME INSTAPUNDIT READERS...clicking through from Captain's Quarters!

*grumble*

Rush Can Teach Us a Lot About How Different Perspectives Can Affect How a Story Is Reported

Jack -- relax.
Get busy with the facts.
No zodiacs or almanacs,
No maniacs in polyester slacks.
Just the facts.
Gonna kick some gluteus max.
It's a parallax -- you dig?
You move around
The small gets big. It's a rig
It's action -- reaction
Random interaction.
So who's afraid
Of a little abstraction?
Can't get no satisfaction
From the facts?
You better run, homeboy
A fact's a fact
From Nome to Rome, boy. --Rush (Hi Flash!)


Let's take a look at the local papers to see what's in the news today.

Ah, here's a story in the Pi Press headlined:

More students skip alcohol, meth

Pip pip! Good news! Bully for the youngsters!

Let's see what's in the Strib today:

Alcohol keeps firm grip on state’s teens

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh woe is us! The children - our FUTURE, people! - are on a self-destructive spiraling death ride to hell accompanied by that vile temptress Lady Booze! All is lost! ALL IS LOST!

ANOTHER WAR!

ANOTHER WASTELAND!

ANOTHER LOST GENERATION!

FIE!

FIE!

...

*ahem*

Regaining, my senses and reading both stories, I find that both report binge drinking has statistically remained unchanged amongst our yout's in the past 3 years. Which is I suppose neither good nor bad. It just is.

Depending on your perspective (and desperateness to sell papers), of course.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

No, Ryan, I Don't Think It Comes in "Tuxedo"

You can get married in it during the day. That night, it can be put to, er - other uses.

Words Used to Mean Things. Now, I'm Not So Sure.

Today, good people of KARNation, I'd like to depart from the typical discussion about John Edwards' hair, and focus on his penis.

Or rather, where his penis might have been.

Well, actually, no. Let's not focus on the peregrinations of John Edwards' penis except as a backdrop to what I'd really like to discuss. And also to get KAR to the #1 spot on Google for "John Edwards' penis".

In any event, let's start at the beginning. Yesterday some hipster lefty blogger (judging from his blogroll) posted this:

Remember those rumors a couple of months ago that John Edwards had had an affair with a campaign volunteer named Rielle Hunter?

When I posted about them at the time, I chided Mickey Kaus for saying that "the MSM seems to be strenuously trying to not report" the story. Even as I expressed doubts about the story itself, I replied, "I'll betcha anything this will be all over the MSM within a week."

What I meant to say was, "within two and a half months." I can now exclusively report that at least two news outlets are preparing to break new details on this story in the near future. I know because I've been contacted by someone at a reputable news agency trying to track down the source of the photo I used to accompany my post (I pulled it off Hunter's now vanished web site)
.

And for what it's worth, today, that noted bastion of journalistic integrity, The National Enquirer rolled out this story:

Presidential candidate John Edwards is caught up in a love child scandal, a blockbuster ENQUIRER investigation has discovered.

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that Rielle Hunter, a woman linked to Edwards in a cheating scandal earlier this year, is more than six months pregnant — and she's told a close confidante that Edwards is the father of her baby!

The ENQUIRER's political bombshell comes just weeks after Edwards emphatically denied having an affair with Rielle, who formerly worked on his campaign and told another close pal that she was romantically involved with the married ex-senator
.

OK, that was interesting, but slightly irrelevant. Let's brush aside our concerns about the veracity of this story and that Supremes song that's boring it's way into our skulls right now and return to my point, which was twofold:

1) John Edwards' penis; and

2) This comment left by some kool aid addled Kos Kid moron on that blog post I quoted above:

Typical corporatist retaliation for Edwards speaking out for the working poor and middle class.

Hillary and Obama are no threat to lobbyists and corporatists funding their campaigns
.

Ignoring that mindless talking point B.S. about Edwards speaking up for anybody but Edwards:

Corporatist? Corporatist?

WTF?

I know that's not a typo, since she used that "word" twice.

Oh, hey - I guess it is a real word:

the organization of a society into industrial and professional corporations serving as organs of political representation and exercising control over persons and activities within their jurisdiction

You mean there's a faction out there that wants, say, General Electric (reduce your carbon footprint by buying energy efficient GE fluorescent light bulbs today!) to have political jurisdiction over people who use GE light bulbs? I'm sure they'd like that, but I'm guessing that enforcement and administration costs might eviscerate their margins. That is, if we have anything to learn from our experience from another common type of corporation.

Oh, I see. She's talking about Big Business. Corporations pushing their agendas in the government or what not.

It helps to understand what a "corporation" really is, though, if you're going to go off all half-cocked about how eeeeeeevil they are. At bottom, a corporation is merely a juridic entity whose purpose is to ameliorate the risks inherent to individuals who whish to own a business. A corporation shields its owners (shareholders) from personal liabilities beyond their individual stakes in the company. This allows businesses to obtain needed capital to buy equipment, pay the bills and employ people to carry on the conduct of the business, without the investor having to worry about unforeseen and possibly unlimited liabilities should the business go under. Liabilities can include unfunded losses, debts on loans...

...and adverse money judgments from lawsuits.

Because, see, most people "judgement proof," meaning that after the numerous exemptions allowed by law to protect a judgment debtor's property, there's little left to pay off the judgment. It is for this reason why, for example, so few tortious acts committed by individuals are ever sued out (along with the uber-common "intentional acts exclusion" found in typical insurance policies). No lawyer working on a contingency will take those cases because their plaintiff will be lucky if she sees a fraction of any award, and because, of course, they won't get paid.

On the other hand, if you're suing a corporation - especially a big one - you needn't worry about the defendant's personal exemptions. Sure, the company might file for bankruptcy, but odds are the plaintiff would still recover far more in that case than if she were suing an individual in a case that, remember, in all likelihood would never be brought anyway.

Or to summarize it a way your typical drooling John Edwards (penis!) would understand:

In The Coifed One's former profession, they loooooooooove corporations. Couldn't live without them, in fact. Whether those corporations are engaged in the business of insurance (an industry that likely would not exist without the availability of a corporate shield) or merely corporations themselves, ambulance chasers would be in soup lines without them.

Still a John Edwards supporter, you ersatz Naderite?

Well, in any case, it wasn't "corporatists" attacking John Edwards. It was probably the Clintons.

What, Ahmadinejad wasn't available?

Putin, Person of the Year.

Because, clearly, he doesn't have a big enough ego nor a large enough cult of personality established.

Time = the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.

Pubic Service Announcement

This Friday / Saturday everybody on the planet is supposed to have a simultaneous orgasm.

What will you be doing for World Orgasm Day (WOD)?

BEHOLD THE MIGHTY KAR: MOVER OF MOUNTAINS!

Doug has come out of hiding to accept his Suckie.

Not much, but it's a start.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

It was only a matter of time

We all knew it would come. And so it has:

Words have power, and the rising cacophony of aspersions cast toward the only female candidate [Hillary] should spur a thoughtful debate about the status and roles of women in the United States today.

In other words: Stop picking on the girl.

She's a goddamn US Senator running for President and Dale is Stahl of Chanhassen is worried about her status as a woman.

Sorry, Dale, but HRC is being targeted because she’s the bleeding front runner and her opponents are going for the kill.

(Oh, and you are a sexist pig for assuming she can’t stand up for herself.)

It’s all part of the full-contact blood sport called politics. If you can’t take it, you might just as well hide your lace panty-covered ass under the duvet until Election Day comes and goes.

THE 2007 MINNESOTA SUCKY BLOG AWARDS

Since this is our inaugural season and the nomination process has been brief (it started 15 minutes ago), this year's production shouldn't run past its allotted 5 hour time slot, like some other award presentations. So let's jump right in to the categories and the "winners" who will be taking home the coveted "Suckie":

CATEGORY: WORST POST BY A MINNESOTA BLOG IN 2007.

The Nominees Are: Anti-Strib for "Dirt Worshiping Heathens" and pretty much every post on "Blog of the Moderate Left"

And the Suckie goes to...

Bogus Doug for his post entitled "Yes I'm Alive"!

This July 11th post wins the Worst Post Suckie for remaining at the top of his blog while proclaiming in the first 2 sentences: "Yes, I'm still here. Yes, I still intend to post."

The post becomes increasingly unintentionally funny as time wears on by forcing us to pause and mentally ask the rhetorical question "Yes, but are you alive now?" There was brief period just after the 35W bridge went down when it ceased being humorous to see that post still atop Bogus Gold. But as far as we could ascertain, he wasn't on the victim list.

Congrats Doug! Would it be too much to expect an acceptance post?

It would? Well, OK then...

On to the next category, which is:

CATEGORY: WORST SPORTS SMACK IN A BLOG POST

No nominees. The Winner is Chad the Elder's "losing seasons are good 'cuz you get high draft picks; winning is for losers," post and it wasn't even close. We especially loved Chad's dig at Green Bay's ground game. We think it may have been like the SI Cover Jinx in reverse.

CATEGORY: WORST MEME

The nominees are:

That one meme where you are supposed to list 7 items about yourself that most people don't know, but throw in some lies too (eg. 1. I was born in Detroit, 2. My farts are used as currency in Indonesia, etc.)

That one about music - you know the one I'm talking about - all of them; and

w00t

And the Suckie goes to:

Insufferable Democrat twits who insist that you include "ic" in "Democratic" when referring to the "Democrat Party." I don't know if this started with their Messiah Kos or if it was just a memo they all got, but several months ago, all of a sudden, if you left a comment on a lefty blog that included "Democrat Party" you would be assailed with a smug rejoinder from the blog owner along the lines of "It's the party of democracy, therefore, it's the D-E-M-O-C-R-A-T-I-C Party".

No, it's the party of using linguistic gimmicks to frame the debate and of small minded fools who are all to willing to make themselves look like banal, condescending asses because George Lackoff told them to.

But since there's no suffix for that, I've taken to referring to the Party of Carter as the "Domocratosian" Party, or the "Democratian" Party.

Oh, you've never heard of this meme? Well, head on over to, say, the Minnesota Monitor, penetrate its high-security comment registration system, post a comment that includes "Democrat Party", and watch the smug roll in. In fact, do it a lot. On all the lefty blogs. The more time they spend focusing on banal meaningless bullshit like this, the less time they'll have to come up with more ways to tax you.

What? Oops. Forgot - this is an awards show. I shouldn't be making political statements.

So, finally, the Big Category:

CATEGORY: WORST BLOG IN 2007

And the nominees are:

The Kool Aid Report - When the calendar rolled over to 2007, KAR's Muse flew the coop. With ever increasing restraints on the KARnies' time along with an abysmal dearth of material and a lack of conflict with the Nihilist in Golf Pants, KAR sunk to depths of suckitude not seen there before. The spike in the number of "Sisyphus Open Threads" gave silent testimony to the apathy and ennui suffered by its staff. News of sherry enema-related deaths as well as a renewed focus on stealing jokes from Fark decreased the amount of suck toward the end of the year, but not enough to save it from nomination for Worst Blog.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants - Due to the increase of Sisyphus Open Threads at KAR, NIGP's all star blogger Sisyphus dedicated less time posting on his home blog. That meant that Misanthropic Frat Boy and the eponymous Nihilist had to pick up the slack. The results were disastrous.

The Daily Mole - Left-wing suck. Failed attempts at humor suck. Hipster suck. The DM has covered all the bases, and it's only a couple months old. Any blog that regurgitates noted Dumpster Karl B's guilt by association blather or allows a sentence like this to appear on it's pages:

Atrios lovingly labels the mortgage meltdown as a pile of poo, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that while inner-city neighborhoods have been shat upon, those are troubled places used to such muck; the real gonad-shrinking panic is emanating from the petro-enabled Outer Burbosphere, whose overvalued aura of Manifest Destiny may exhibit a steeper downward arc than our own fading American empire.

is an automatic contender for a Worst Blog Suckie.

(Good God! I can't even begin to list all the different kinds of suck in that excerpt...)

Ahem. Anyway, the Suckie goes to...

[Dramatic pause]

ERIC BLACK INK!

Yes, from his quasi-religous zeal to get Rachel Paulose sacked (much to the delight of locals engaged in the White Slavery industry) to his quasi-religious zeal to slime Michele Bachmann with anything - up to and including printing the half-informed non-story prattle of the aforementioned Dumpster Karl - Black found new and innovative ways to suck in 2007. He owes his Suckie not so much for the intensity of his suckiness as for the mouth-gaping length of his descent from respected political beat reporter and institutional blogger to just another yellow partisan hack job. No smear was too banal. No story was too trite to print (if it could be used or misused to take a swipe at his two favorite targets). One would think that a former reporter with over 20 years of accumulated contacts could put out some enlightening and compelling political insight. Instead, we got a guy who helped a couple of his friends get a boss whom they did not like fired.

Way to go Eric! And thanks for preventing me from having to give this award to myself!

See you next year at the 2008 Suckies.

DISCLAIMER: Many in the audience may be dismayed at the absence of certain local blogs that might be considered "shoe ins" for a Suckie. However, the Suckie Committee only considered noteworthy blogs - blogs that while extremely crappy, could still justify their own existence for some reason or other. Those blogs that you're thinking of could hardly be considered "noteworthy".

Monday, December 17, 2007

"That Was A Real Scuzzy Version of Jingle Bells"

Ladies, Gentlemen, Packer Enthusiasts and Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo:

A series of Larry McCarren grunts to the tune of Jingle Bells.

You are welcome.

(Via)

Moron Mail

See, it's not about evil white Christians. But we'll try anyway:

As I read the Dec. 10 commentary by Ayaan Hirsi Ali, "Brute force," in which she asks "where are the moderate [Muslim] voices," I thought to myself that there are many parallels to this in Christian history.

Because there's no letter to the Strib in there without a, you know, non sequitur.

Two examples are the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem witch trials.

Wow! You only had to go back to the 17th century! I might have included the Visigoths' sacking of Rome, but, of course, they were pagans.

There were moderates during those times, but they feared for their lives if they spoke out because it was the fundamentalists who held the political power. The only thing that could defeat the extremists was for moderates to regain power -- but at great risk.

There is little difference today in the United States.

Well, except for the fact that you'll go to jail for life if you burn a witch, and agents of the Church no longer arrest people and torture them.

And the People get to vote for a new president every 4 years.

Oh, and if you build a Nativity scene on public land, you will be ordered to take it down.

Then there's the 14th Amendment and the Civil Rights Act; not to mention the fact that when "white" "Christians" blow things up and kill people, they're typically lonely nutjobs acting alone and without sanction who are caught in short order and then subjected to justice.

Otherwise, there's little difference.

Today's moderates, who object to the use of war and militarism as our main tools of foreign policy, dare not to speak out as they might lose their place in society. This can be as bad as death.

Non sequiturs + overwrought, paranoid and naive mischaracterizations = Moron Mail

Both moderate Christians and Muslims must find the courage to resist these extremists.

You're right.

I hereby officially denounce the Spanish Inquisition and the burning of witches. Hell, I'll even throw the Visigoths in there, even though they're not really relevant. After all, relevance was no bar to this guy's chain of "logic".

BILL HABONERDINK, RED WING, MINN.

Unclear on the Concept

So, for your birthday your wife gives you some pics of her engaging in a little hot girl on girl action with an friend of hers. Do you:

A) Excuse yourself to spend some quality time with the pictures

B) Thank your lucky stars you married such a woman

C) Jump up and down shouting HOORAY!

D) Put the pictures on the internet to show the world how lucky you are

E) [Unprintable, even for this ThunderJournal]

F) Go all Brady Bunch on her and threaten divorce.

FAIL!

KAR Book Club Picks For December

Oprah's got hers, so it's high time for KAR to start ours. Here are four Pulitzer-worthy picks that I recommend for stocking stuffers or your bathroom magazine racks...







And lastly this pick, which resembles James Lilek's works...

Friday, December 14, 2007

9 Ways to Make Your Blog or ThunderJournal Suck Less in 2008

I think I've done something like this before, but I can't find it. In any event, some of it bears repeating. Some of these items pertain to the right-leaning blogs. Some are universal. All are vital to reducing the amount of suck on the internet.

This may sting some of you. But remember: I do it because I love.

1. Yes, I understand the illegal immigration is a big issue with you. However, the enjoinder "Build the wall" has already been uttered in every conceivable permutation possible. Please find something else to write about. Maybe throw in an ass photoshop now and again.

2. No "Action Alerts". Please. (Unless, of course, you are making fun of other websites that use "action alerts".)

3. Stop telling me that your comment threads "foster open debate". They don't. Debate does not exist in any significant form on the internet. If it did, there would be no Godwin's law. Debate is a milieu between or among persons who are either knowledgeable on the topic or have researched the topic extensively enough to add an intelligent angle to the discussion. Debates end in either persuasion or clarity. Your comment threads feature a bunch of middle aged engineers and IT dorks alternately yammering about the finer points of Constitutional jurisprudence or insulting each other that end neither in clarity nor persuasion. FAIL!

Bloviating about things you don't understand just because you heard something that resonated with you on the Jason Lewis Show last night while calling the token liberal in the forum an "assnozzle" is perfectly fine; even entertaining at times. Calling it "debate," however, is false advertising. Stop it, assnozzle.

4. No Diablo Cody. Ever. Hipsters suck.

5. Unless you run a photoblog, blogging is primarily a written medium (with the occasional exception of the odd ass photoshop or FAIL image). Therefore, if you can't write, hang it up. I am not so interested in subject-verb agreement and the successful execution of the spell checking ap as I am with you making your writing compelling. (For example, bloggers like Mitch Berg, Ryan Rhodes and Jeff Kouba could keep me interested in a post about the 19th Century European turnip trade.) Start with verbs and work your way out from there.

There's no shame in sucking. There's plenty in refusing to realize that you suck.

6. Notwithstanding #5, please - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - use your spell checker. You know who you are.

7. Stop pining for Reagan. If you are a right wing poli-blogger, please cease your incessant hand-wringing looking for the "next Reagan". Instead, why not focus on the "first Smith." Or Jones. Or bacon. Or whomever.

If you insist on this increasingly annoying quest for Reagan II, keep in mind that you will have little or no moral authority to slag on losers who still have their Wellstone! signs in their yards. Which is too bad for you, since that can be kind of fun.

8. When you get a press release in your Inbox from the party or a candidate's campaign, delete it without reading it. MN Pooplius and MDE have a corner on the regurgitated press release market, and they get far more traffic than you do.

9. How about unloading some of those superfluous graphics and baubles on your side bar? Sure, that "XX,XXX days have passed without justice for MaryJo Kopechne" widget was super-nifty when you first installed it 3 years ago. It's tired now. And while having your side bar look like a TGI Fridays waitstaff uniform may be cool, all that crap plays havoc with your layout and takes 10 minutes to load. If I have to wait more than 30 seconds to read your daily pearls of rant-o-licious wisdom, I'm perfectly happy to go without.

Here's to reducing the suck in '08!

Friday Bacon Post

Two items today:

1) Chocolate chip cookies + bacon = win (via the Night Writer)

2) Still don't know what to get that manly pork-lovin' guy in your life for Christmas? Well, there's always the Bacon of the Month Club.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Bacon Juggernaut

The people of spoken, and they want bacon!

In what can only be described as a slaughter, bacon easily outpolled the rest of the field by a 2 to 1 margin, garnering a whopping 58% of the vote. The next closest contestant was Fred Thompson who only managed 9 votes (13%) from some of KAR's more humorless readers.

Oh, and the 3 people who voted for Huckleberry - er, Huckabee? Come over here so I can bitch slap you.

I think what the results of this poll illustrate - other than bacon's formidable chances of winning the election - is the power of a KAR endorsement. Before we picked bacon to be our endorsee, nobody considered it a contender. Now, it pulls over four times the votes of its next closest competitor. Can Sean Penn claim such influence?

In a word, no.

Also, in an announcement that suggests that bacon is drawing wide bipartisan support, center-left blogger Disco Stoo has come out tentatively in favor of bacon:

Obviously, Kool-Aid Report knows of my propensity to endorse strange things, and is counting on my 5 readers to vote next November. Now, I know it's early, but I am finally excited about a candidate. This may be premature, but I'm ready to endorse for President, unless a terrible running mate is chosen, of course. [Bacon]

Disco Stoo's concern about who will be bacon's running mate is one that has been echoed by others in the various comment threads here. And I think it's a legitimate concern. Therefore, the KAR editorial board has held another meeting, and we are prepared to announce our endorsement for bacon's running mate...

...MORE BACON!

[And the gathered citizens of KAR-Nation shout "Yay!"]

Better hop on the baconwagon while you can!

Behaving badly

I'll admit, I didn't vote during the latest round of school levies. It wasn't because I didn't care, though; more like a combination of being conflicted and the fact that my kids aren't old enough to attend school. I thought I'd be adding to the noise instead of the signal, so I decided to sit it out.

Clearly I didn't need to worry about adding to the noise. Lately our free local paper -- always in the bag for the school district and teachers' union, but never more so than the weeks before and after the vote -- has written about practically nothing but the fallout from the no vote, and they have been about as objective about it as Foot is about Iron Maiden and poop jokes.

I could do a Moron Mail every day from the letters they print, but given that it's the free weekly it would be sort of a minor league version of that heralded franchise, so I've left it alone. But this week's bit of outrageous nonsense comes not from some random yahoo with internet access and a loose sense of grammar, but from 281's superintendent, Stan "Daddy" Mack, talking about the planned closing of a couple of schools:

"This is coming about because adults behaved badly [by not supporting the referendum] and children will pay the price."

No, you sanctimonious prick, this is coming about because the district went for a Cadillac levy in a Saturn town. Instead of just making up the difference caused by the loss of state aid, you went for more, and when you encountered resistance you threatened worst-case scenarios instead of treating us like grownups. Overall, you all acted like school bullies, which would be ironic if it wasn't so stupid.

In other words, your district behaved badly, Mr. Mack, and your tone-deafness allowed the "shadowy" Vote No group to steamroll your sorry asses in the election. Even your toadies in the Strib and the local free paper couldn't gin up enough fear of the Evil Anti-levy Consultant to make a dent. Doesn't any of that tell you anything?

Nah, probably not. Just proves that all us troglodytes hate public education and want our kids to grow up dumb, right?

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Genius Marketing or Abject Cluelessness? You Be the Judge

Return of the MILF Sale.

Damn, I shoulda trademarked that when I had the chance.

Moron Mail

All your Viking belong to us:

Well, well, well --

I hate this guy already.

how many people are trying to jump on the Minnesota Vikings' bandwagon now?

Every single native Minnesotan raises his or her hand.

The Vikings are proving that "patience is a virtue."

Actually, they've always proven that: "Wait 'til next year..." Repeat.

To those of you who gave up on this team when it was 2-5: We don't want you back!

Oh snap! Take that Chad.

I wonder how they will keep the bandwagoneers out? With a secret handshake, perhaps?

A true fan sticks by their team regardless of its record -- as painful as that can be.

While I agree with this sentiment, and despise the overall annoyingness of fair-weather fans (especially those who only come out to talk smack in the good times, and use their apathy as a shield from smack in the lean times *coff*Elder*coff), it had never occurred to me to announce their ostracization with a letter to the editor.

This is undoubtedly why Chad and I are still on speaking terms.

(CLOSED CIRCUIT TO ELDER: I always thought it would be funny if one of our legendary smack-offs spilled over into the mainstream press. But then I become aware that we both have a life, and moved beyond it.)

That's what I and the other true Vikings fans have done.

"true Vikings Fans"? You mean there's another one????

As for the rest of you: Shame on you. Nobody likes a bandwagon fan!

JASON BONERMANN, ST. BONIFACIUS

No, Bonermann, you've got it all wrong! You see, the Vikings, with their 4-game winning streak, have completely FUBARed their 2008 draft. Now the best player the Vikes can get with a mid-round pick will be an underachieving corner or an over-hyped linebacker. Their late season surge has compromised this once-proud 30 years ago) franchise's future! FAIL!

Right, Chad?

Lambeau + Time Lapse = WIN

Time lapse photography last Packers-Vikings tilt. (WARNING: If you have epilepsy, this video will kill you.) A full gameday (from tailgate to post-game garbage pickup and devomitizing) in under 2 minutes. Neat.

You can't really read the scoreboard, so I'll just remind Elder that the final score was 31-0 34-0 Pack, and that he continues to suck.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Sizzlin' Bacon— Our Candidate Picks Up Endorsements!

KAR has learned that several unions have endorsed candidate Bacon for President this week, including BOOB (Brotherhood of Oprah & Barack), TITS (Teamsters in Tight Shorts), POOF (Professional Organization of Fartmakers), and FUNS*WC (Farks United for Not Safe For Work Copyright).



We smell a winner here.

You Better Bacon Up That Poll, Boy

A New York Times poll indicates that the current slate of GOP presidential candidates is not exactly inspiring voters. Of course, the poll failed to take into account the impact that bacon's entry into the race would have. As KAR is always on the cutting edge of opinion dynamics, we have commissioned an exclusive KAR Cutting Edge Opinion Dynamics Ipso Facto Poll to paint a more accurate picture of the presidential race in this crucial stretch of the campaign, 11 months before the polls open.

Take a moment and respond to our poll, which can be found in its usual place.

Photoshop MS Paint These Two Enthusiastic Coworkers

I haz too thums:



Biggified version here.

Oh, and for those who might, you know, feel the need to incorporate the legendary "dirty mushroom," you can find that here.

Monday, December 10, 2007

NS*W

Fark is trying to trademark the acronym NSFW (not safe for work). This displeases at least one person:

How about you stop being dick heads and leave acronyms you didn't create alone. don't fuck up the internet by being cock licking monkey fuckers. If you go around trademarking things like NSFW then you WILL screw the internet up for everyone else you greedy ass sucking granny douching shit eaters.

You make me so angry!

Glad I never tried to trademark "hockey sucks". But that's just because I'm not a greedy ass sucking granny douching shit eater.

Waitaminute!

"Shit Eater" infringes my copyright!

Someone's gonna pay...

MAJOR POLITICAL STATEMENT

NOTE: The following is the transcript of LearnedFoot's press conference entitled "G-String Divas".


LEARNEDFOOT: I have a brief prepared statement, and then I will take questions.


Distinguished Members of the press, KARNation, Ron Paulites who just googled on over, stalkers, and my fellow Americans:


We members of the KAR Editorial Board we're jolted earlier today when we discovered that Sean Penn had beaten us to the punch for the self-import and absurd 2008 presidential endorsements. Because we know how important KAR is to the process of selecting our next Commander in Chief, we held an emergency meeting to facilitate the speedy delivery of our endorsement. And I believe that we have come to a wise decision.


The candidate we endorse for the presidency has a long history of satisfying constituents. In fact, not that long ago on this very ThunderJournal, we remarked that there was little that this candidate cannot do. And in these troubling times, we need a president like that. A president that elevates all around it . A president that can draw a crowd and then captivate them. A president who knows when to take center stage, but also knows when to step aside and merely be an ancillary - yet vital - ingredient in the process.


In 2008, The Kool Aid Report endorses bacon to be our next president.


We've even made a little campaign poster:





I will now open the floor to questions.


QUESTION: Doesn't the Constitution prohibit cured meats from being elected president?


LEARNEDFOOT: The Constitution says nothing about bacon. We don't think it will be an obstacle.


QUESTION: You're kidding, right?


LEARNEDFOOT: We never kid about bacon, son.


QUESTION: I am having trouble understanding this endorsement. Are you endorsing any particular strip of bacon, a particular variety or quantity of bacon, or just endorsing bacon as a concept?


LEARNEDFOOT: Wow. Great question. I like the "bacon as a concept" thing, however, concepts can't sit in the presidential desk chair or pick out the new Oval Office curtains. I'm thinking that any bacon will do, though if I had my druthers, I think a five-pound pack of thick-cut apple wood smoked bacon has the best presidential timbre.


QUESTION: Aren't you afraid that your endorsement will alienate the Jewish and Muslim blocs of voters.


LEARNEDFOOT: So we give up New York, Boca and Detroit. Big whoop. Bacon polls well pretty much everywhere else.


QUESTION: Why not Ron Paul?


LEARNEDFOOT: This press conference is over!

Behind the Scenes of the KAR Presidential Endorsement Process

THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: [Panting out of breath] Thanks to all of you for coming to this emergency meeting on such short notice.

BILL: This had better be important. I am currently baking a very special Holiday pie!

XERES: Yeah, and I had to cut one off short before it was...

LEARNEDFOOT: [Interrupting] OK, Head, what's the crisis?

HOAG: [Shaking a piece of paper] This is the crisis. Listen to this [Reading]:

Academy Award-winning actor Sean Penn endorsed Dennis Kucinich for president in San Francisco Friday.

Penn made what had been billed as a "major political statement" at San Francisco State University
.

IRON MATRON: *gasp* No!

HOAG: There's more [Reading]:

Penn was set to deliver "a blistering indictment of political leaders and an impassioned endorsement of Presidential proportions," according to a Kucinich press release.

In the speech entitled, "Piano Wire Puppeteers," Penn railed against not only President Bush, but Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

"While I'm not a proponent of the Death Penalty, existing law provides that the likes of Cheney, Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice, if found guilty, could have hoods thrown over their heads, their hands bound, facing a 12-man rifle corps executing death by firing squad," Penn said
.

LF: [Shaking head despondently] Damn.

DEMENTEE: MMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! DENNIS KUCINICH!!!!! YUMMY!!!!!!

ANALOG KID: WTF?

HOAG: Don't you get it man? The Season of Superfluous Self-Important Political Endorsements That Carry No Weight Yet Are for Some Reason Made Anyway (SOSSIPETCNWYAFSRMA) has begun. Without us! We're suposed to be first with absurd banal crap.

LF: He's right - we've been scooped. By Sean-fucking-Penn. And he scooped us in style. FAIL!

BILL: True dat yo. The only way it could have been any better would have been if he would had endorsed that ranting nonfactor Gravel.

HOAG: I think it's pronounced "Grah-VEL".

BILL: Whatever. [Does "talk to the hand" gesture"]

LF: Let's stop bickering guys. We've gotta to get back ahead of this thing. Before you know it we'll be drowned out by all the other attention-whoring self-important losers who think their stupid opinion about who should be the next president matters to anyone. We need an endorsement and we need it now. Start spitballing, from the top down.

ANAL K: Fred Thom - - HEY!!! WHAT'S WITH THE "ANAL K"????!!!

LF: Tee hee. You're the new guy, and I thought it'd be funny. I'll change it.

AK: [Glancing over at prompt] Thank you. Now, what about Fred Tompson?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Rudy?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Huckleb- er, Huckabee?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Tancredo?

XERXES: FAIL!

AK: Ron Paul?

[Everybody in the room gasps and gives ANAL K a reproving look]

AK: What?

BILL: You uttered You-Know-Who's name!

XERXES: Way to go n00b!

AK: I guess I don't -

HOAG: Within moments of this post going live, KAR will be bombarded with hits from Technorati and google searches for "Ron Paul". If we're lucky, they'll just surf on and leave us alone. If we're typical...

LF: Well, we don't even want to go there. Let's see if I can mitigate:

ATTENTION RON PAUL DRONES: WE WILL NOT ENDORSE RON PAUL NO MATTER HOW MANY POORLY SPELLED AND GRAMMAR-DEFICIENT COMMENTS YOU LEAVE ON THIS THUNDERJOURNAL! SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER. *end communication*

BILL: Hope that works.

HOAG: Don't hope. Pray.

LF: Alright. Rookie error. Could happen to anyone. Let's move on.

DEM: *growowowowowowowlllllllllllllll*

LF: What was that?

DEM: ME SORRY!!!!!!! DEMENTEE'S TUMMY GROWLING CUZ ME STILL THINK ABOUT DELCIOUS KUCINICH LETTUCE AND TOMATO SANDWICH!!!!!!

[Light bulb appears over Foot's head]

LF: Gentlemen I think I know what our endorsement will be.

HOAG: Do tell.

[They all huddle together while FOOT whispers. Huddle breaks.]

BILL: Brilliant! Totally KAR. When do we announce?

LF: I'll call a press conference for later today.

The MitchMan Prophesies

CompUSA goes tits up.

Mitch is vindicated.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Dumpster and DFL Cameraman Failure At GOP State Central

Seems Eva Young took time away from her anonymous Wikipedia edits to stalk Rep. Michelle Bachmann at the GOP State Central Meeting last Saturday. But her stalking was cut short. Eyewitness AAA of Rezidjuall Fourses reports:

There was a rather funny moment when Eva Young was pointed out to organizers. A couple of people were concerned with her simply being there to further try to denigrate Rep. Bachmann’s character and record had to request the Party spokester to remove her and a man with the video camera.

That man as it turns out is a guy I met on the campaign trail last year. Nice guy and all, but he works for the DFL. Thankfully, someone made a point to get this DFLer out of this private MNGOP meeting. (Oh, too sweet when i learned who was responsible for this. Way to be on top of it D.)

No State Central reports at her Dumpster blog, so Eva's timely boot prevented another pathetic stalker post and video. We at KAR are happy to declare another massive:



And, a tip of the Kool Aid Pitcher to "D"-- you're da bacon!

Friday, December 07, 2007

The News in Haikus

Gennifer Flowers
Voting for Hil? Wants to get
Screwed by both of them?

Some guy makes tinkle
On Ryanair flight. I'm not
Making that name up.

Limbaugh's painkiller
Problem pales compared to what
Lefty talkers do.

I fail to see how
Anyone could consider
This a bad problem.

Amazing Kreskin
Has predicted the next Prez:
"Yelnick McWahwah".

Substitute teacher
Brings visual aids for Health
Class. On cell phone. FAIL!

And now, The Money Haiku:

Iran, Iran so
Far away. I guess we can't
Bomb away today.

Friday Bacon Post

Alert reader James heps us to a couple of bacon-related items:

1) Popular "bacon-flavored" dog treat is made out of meat. Bacon is made out of meat. What could possibly go wrong?

2) Sure to be printed out and adorning Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo's refrigerator door by tomorrow, the bacon flowchart.

Keep 'em coming.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

HEY EVA?

Still haven't heard from you about your anonymous wikipedia exploits. You have time to quibble about Bible citations, yet you cannot answer a simple question:

Why are Mitch Berg's (signed) wikipedia edits somehow sinister while you go around editing your petty little character assasinations anonymously? And why do you think that you are somehow above being held accountable for it? Every time I give you the chance to answer in whatever comment thread you happen to be polluting at the time, you scurry away, pretending not to see me. Coward.

I can see what you and your merry band of retarded social misfits is trying to do. I can play that game too. Very well, in fact.

Foreign Moron Mail

When Fark points you to a moron mail, well, you best follow the link son:

Religious intolerance of homosexuals is rife, no matter how it is masked, as in a minister’s recent letter to the editor. Having sung in a local church choir for years and my “closet” coming-out accepted by the entire congregation, I wonder if he would welcome me into his fold knowing that I am bisectional.

ALAN D. BONER, Danville

You know, this may be impolitic, or even just downright hateful. But I would be less than honest with myself, and you - the good citizens of KARNation - if I just didn't come out and say it: I think bisectionals are a scourge upon or society. Whether they wish to engage in oral sectional relations or anal sectional relations, such a lifestyle of risky sectional behavior poses a public health threat. I have no tolerance for bisectionals and believe that anyone that is divided into two or more parts ought to be ostracized from society; perhaps banished to a bisectional colony.

Bisectionals' intolerance for us heterosectionals is rife, no matter how well it is masked, as in this moron mail. You turn your back on them for a moment, and they will try to sectionalize you before you've even realized what has happened.

Then of course, you would need sectional healing.

You Can Have My Wood When You Pry It From My Cold Dead - er...Hands

In regards to yesterday's drooling anti-fire activist, I think that Analog Kid put it best:

Suck on it smoketard.

Suck on it, indeed:

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Best Served Wrapped Around Shrimp Atop a Bacon Cheeseburger



Tip o' the Pitcher to the sharp-eyed NancyKay Shapiro.

And the Words of Dementee Were Written on the Subway Walls

I had intended to fisk NonMonkey's column today. If for no other reason than for this line:

That opinion won Dietzen praise for upholding "parental rights" from "pro-family" groups that support Pawlenty, despite Dietzen's tortured finding that the "chosen form of discipline for [the son's] knife-wielding and suicide threat may not have been the best approach."

No. Perhaps in a world where people know stuff simply by declaring so, that is a "finding". However, in the real world where real words have real meanings that excerpt is something us law talking guys like to refer to as "obiter dictum": an informal observation by the court that carries no legal weight (as opposed to a "finding" which does). I was going to title the post "Obiter Dickhead" - a caption that would have justified the post no matter what came below it.

But then I stumbled across something else... Something so inane and evil that I had to preempt NonMonkey to bring it to your attention.

Back in July (when Dementee still posted stuff), the Demenster fisked a Strib letter sent in by one Julie Mellum which he titled "The Fascists won't stop with smoking."

Dementee: Moonbat exterminator. Crabby fisker. Furry blue foul-mouthed gadfly. Seer. Prophet:

Julie Mellum: But the fire is not delightful

We're snuffing secondhand tobacco smoke, but we continue to romanticize recreational wood burning -- a hazard all its own.

Yes. That's right. Now Julie wants your fireplace.

One big source of air pollution -- as deadly as vehicle exhaust, and with many of the same toxicants as cigarette smoke -- is wood smoke.

To be fair, none of those are "deadly" unless you are trapped in an unventilated area for a long period of time with them.

The Star Tribune's recent feature on the joys of back-yard wood burning ("All fired up," Oct. 24) was so well-written and enticing that it no doubt caused sales of wood-burning equipment to skyrocket.

Oh through the roof, I'm sure! Do people like this always talk in superlatives and absolutes?

Yet it did not address the perils of wood smoke. Wood smoke is more than a nuisance -- it is a health hazard.

Yes.

Minnesota's antismoking ordinance allows people to go to bars and restaurants and avoid smoke, because tobacco smoke is a proven killer. Yet because we still allow recreational wood burning in the city, where homes are close together on small lots, it has become a serious livability problem. All citizens are forced to breathe outdoor air that smells of smoke in many neighborhoods, night and day, in all seasons.

In her next commentary, Mizz Mellum will decry the hazards of computer keyboards. Touching the keys requires a certain amount of pressure to be placed on the fingertips which may cause some wilting weak-tits discomfort. Keyboard manufacturers should be required to make them out of nerf.

Where's my duct tape?

There is so much smoke, either faint or heavy, that many hardly notice it anymore. But wood smoke is there, heavy in most neighborhoods at night or around our many wood-fired restaurants, if you stop to notice.

Soon, all you will be able to order in restaurants is triple-filtered tap water and organic free range iceberg lettuce.

How did this happen in a city such as Minneapolis, which has long been focused on improving air quality for the health of its citizens?

And yet - even with all the booger green nimrods that keep getting elected to office in Minneapolis - they haven't though about banning fireplaces. We ought to ponder that for a second.

Wood smoke comprises fine particulates, many of which are carcinogenic, such as benzene, toluene, formaldehyde and polyaromatic hydrocarbons. It is far more concentrated than cigarette smoke and travels much farther, spreading soot and fine particulates directly into our air and our lungs. It also invades our water and food supply with persistent organic compounds that do not break down but remain for years, causing a host of health problems in frogs, bluegills and mammals -- including humans.

[Brushing arms and hair copulsively] MYYYYYAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!!!!!!! IT'S ALL AROUND ME!!!! GET IT OFF!!!!

GET! IT! OFF!

YEEEEEAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[/Mellum]

Everyone is at risk from wood-smoke exposure. But children of all ages, the elderly, and anyone with asthma, allergies, or heart disease are in the highest-risk categories.

She forgot to mention poor people and minorities.

The American Lung Association states that a majority of asthmatics cite smoke of all kinds as a trigger for asthma attacks. Asthma is epidemic in children, and it is life-threatening. Wood smoke is even implicated in sudden infant death syndrome.

Really? She-it, when my youngin's were just tadpoles I built a fire every night in their nursery. And even though there was no chimney in their room (I burned those soiled diapers right in the pail, I did), they all done growed up just fine.

Seriously - what the hell is this bat talking about?

Are we OK with this? Aren't these facts reason enough to stop recreational wood burning?

No. You are a crackpot.

Why, then, do people continue to burn?

Indeed, why then do people even venture out of their bedrooms anymore - what with all the cars that could hit them, uneven surfaces they could trip on, and certifiable, panic-stricken gits like Julie Mellum wandering around to crush their faith in the sanity of our neighbors?

First, because they don't know how harmful it is. Second, because it is strongly promoted by the hearth and home industry.

Aha! We have a new boogeyman: Big Hearth and Home! (Does Haliburton make fireplaces?)

And third, because burning wood is an addiction.

I know that I'm jonzin' to burn something...

I cannot be outside at all when wood smoke is in the air, because I have a "reactive airways" condition affected by it. I ache for clean air outdoors in a world where nature often is our only respite. Bad air is forcing many others I know inside when, as city taxpayers, we have a right to be outside breathing clean air.

Um... just a thought. But if you really are this absurdly sensitive to, well, everything, then WHY IN THE HELL DO YOU LIVE IN THE CITY??????????? How about YOU move rather than forcing 400,000 other people to change their lives, you sanctimonious git?

I know: because if you were to move to, say, Anoka, then the various ambient pollens and spores would bother you, forcing you to call on the banning of gardens and ragweed. Right?

We must urge our City Council members to ban recreational wood burning -- especially at a time when cities are looking for ways to reduce pollution to save lives and receive federal funding by being in compliance with air-quality standards. Many feel that our air-quality standards are not high enough. If air quality were measured near where people actually breathe it, when neighbors are burning, the results would be off the charts.

I look to the Star Tribune and to all citizens to start building public awareness of the hazards of wood smoke.

Don't...*snicker*...er...*giggle* hold your breath.