Wednesday, December 31, 2008
11. Anybody Who Voted for Al Franken. Seriously. You're all morons. The DFL should just run a fart joke against Pawlenty in 2010. You dumb fucks will vote for any worthless pantload with a DFL behind its name, and this pretty much proves it.
10 through 2. Al Franken.
1. Dave Mindeman. Mindeman could win for a myriad of reasons. It could be for the stultifying and predicable partisan hackery. It could be for the tone-deaf perspective free Party First BS. But I think the most compelling reason is his ongoing irony-proof jealousy-snit / man crush on Michael Brodkorb:
#3. Michael Brodkorb. The blogger of Minnesota Democrats Exposed always rates highly on this list. And this year is no exception. The master of negative campaign tactics, Brodkorb surged to new heights with the US Senate election. Pouring over an extensive array of Al Franken's past writings, Brodkorb would portray decades old commentary or writings and re-publish them as "breaking news" evidence of Franken's supposed character flaws. If Franken wrote it, it must be what Franken believes. And to Brodkorb's delight, people began to buy into it -- media, gleeful Republicans, and even some dubious Democrats. As Brodkorb continued the slide into the gutter, Coleman managed to hide behind that focus on Franken. Nobody discussed the Coleman voting record. Nobody examined his record on the war, his record on tax cutting for the wealthy, and the money coming in from big donors and interest groups. Nobody focused on his "friend with the plane". His ties to, and arrangements with, Jeff Larson.
Er... all you imbeciles "examined" his ties to Jeff Larson, up to and including the deeply stupid ginned up apartment arrangement. There was no there there. Smart people moved on. People like Mindeman never did.
Brodkorb set up the perfect smokescreens and did the most to bring ugly to the ugliest campaign in recent memory. Brodkorb has become a folk hero to the GOP faithful, especially those who like that down and dirty style. And Brodkorb has been rewarded in a sense, getting a job with the State Senate minority caucus. Which means we will probably have more of that tactic in our future. The deep opposition research.... the character assassination.... the off topic maneuvering. So, you will probably see Brodkorb high on this list for the foreseeable future.
Lost on the oblivious Mindeman is the fact that every single aspersion he casts at Brodkorb (taken in their general sense) could be used to describe any activist leftyblogger hack in Minnesota. Remember the Norm Coleman greenscreen flap. The rumors circulating about his "unusual marital arrangements". Remember the whole thing about Eric Paulsen getting donations raised at a strip club? Made up stories about Sarah Palin believing Jesus rode on Dinosaurs?
Those didn't come from Brodkorb. Or the Strib. They came from party hacks like Mindeman and his ilk. Brodkorb and Mindeman are 2 sides of the same coin. The only difference being that
Brodkorb is effective.
Congratulations Dave, and here's looking to another year of your irrelevant partisan hackery!
The Washington, D.C.–based Center for Public Integrity salutes MnIndy’s parent nonprofit, the Center for Independent Media, and the Minneapolis-based citizen videoblogging outlet The UpTake in its “Top 10 Website of 2008″ list today. Citing media “from projects to blogs to websites that help keep our country transparent,” the investigative journalism organization named the entire six-site CIM network, but specifically applauded our sister site in Michigan: “Their reporting on plans for vote suppression in Michigan (via the Michigan Messenger) kicked up controversy, but they’re doing a good job of sticking on stories that other outlets might ignore.” The UpTake gets props for keeping “political junkies across the world abreast of every minute of the five-person Minnesota recount committee’s deliberations about Franken, Coleman, and Lizard People.”
You already know where this is going.
The Center for Public Integrity is another George Soros joint. Add another one to the list.
I'd mute the celebration. You really shouldn't do an end zone dance when you just got the equivalent of the coach handing you the game ball. Or put another way: the "award" is not so much a recognition of excellence as it is a cross-promotional marketing gimmick.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
"She's just inexperienced," she said. "It's just a habit, the way young people all say 'like' every other word. I don't think she even knows she's doing it, to that degree."
If I ran for office, I could say I'm inexperienced too. But I can string a sentence together without the tics. Next, a helpful suggestion for Princess CK from Coach Obvious:
Tim Malloy, a Pennsylvania speaking coach, suggested this cure: She should learn how to pause and would benefit from coaching, or listening to some recordings of the most famously eloquent Kennedy. "She needs to listen to her father," he said.
Hang the dad tapes — I think she'd be cured after listening to her own recording.
Lastly, this apologist isn't at all troubled with Caroline Kennedy's cavalcade of tics:
Spokesman Stefan Friedman said, "Caroline has acknowledged that she hasn't mastered the art of the political sound bite, but if Gov. Paterson appoints her, she'll fight her heart out to make sure New York families have their voices heard in Washington."
When it comes to mastering sound bites, CK summited the Mt. Fail peak and rang the bell.
6/2 - Holy ass!
Supreme Court denies cert to Major League Baseball ensuring that rotisserie leagues will remain available for legions of dateless wonders who don't have enough game to score drunk Iowa cougars in restrooms.
6/3 - Property law can teach us a lot about dim Shot in the Dark comment trolls. We can abolish the Four Unities, but we can't seem to get rid of this twerp.
6/6 - Phuc fails to Nguyen love of Bich. Says "phucket" and commits murder. That's just Truong.
6/9 - In a development akin to Tiger Woods' knee injury, Yost drops out of the 2008 MilF. Disappointed, the flagsticks at Valleywood GC start trolling the clubhouse bathrooms for affection.
6/10 - Leftbloggers' heroic Blog for Steve Sarvi Day raises literally several dollars for the Democrat's run against John Kline. Kline wakes up just long enough to ask, "Sarvi who, now?"
6/11 - The Great Top Chef Hotness Debate of '08 brought to you by Trojan® condoms; Viagra®, KY® Personal Lubricant and the Glad® family of products.
6/12 - NonMonkey bases an entire column on an interview with - I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP - a pacifist mime who does "crucifixion performances" and compares Muslim terrorists to Jesus. Fed up with this jerk, Journalistic Standards leaves scene, starts trolling for college boys near the men's room.
Moonchild squeezes out a huge MONGO NonMonkey column.
6/17 - ♪♬ White men came to Valleywood / To hit golf balls into the woods ♪♫
6/18 - Minneapolis hosts the Nation Conference for Media "Reform." Citizen "journalists" flock to the Convention Center to "strike" a "blow" against the "right-wing" "dominated" media and LearnedFoot's supply of scare quotes.
Moonchild shows promise of a future in which he may some day perform feats of athletic prowess in major-league stadia while housewives in Iowa are getting boned in their restrooms.
6/20 - ZOMG GREENSCREEN!1!!1!1!!1!! EVERYBODY VOTE FOR FRANKEN!!!1!!!!!1
6/24 - The Analog Kid discovers a rich new vein of material at the Strib. So rich, in fact, that he never posts at KAR again.
6/27 - Foot's softball team slaughters Kevin Ecker's team 21 to 3. Good thing Kevie didn't play, because a score of 21 to -3 is impossible in softball.
Not news: Guy gets hit in head with a golf ball. News: He pops a boner. KAR: This didn't happen at the MilF.
Seriously: is there anything George Soros doesn't fund?
6/30 - Medieval England can teach us a lot about the real estate market. Oddly enough, I'm not referring to the Black Plague.
Monday, December 29, 2008
I got an iphone for Christmas this year. And by far the best downloadable app I've come across for it yet in this multi-purpose sound machine...iFART!
These screen captures and brief description of just a few applications pretty much tell all..
The Sick Dog is about as good as it gets.
I'm afraid I can't get a link that plays unless you buy it. But get this, the developer made 40k in 2 days after he released it...
iFart, therefore I am (the #1 iPhone app). Or something like that. iFart is fast becoming one of the most popular iPhone/iPod Touch applications out there. The developer of iFart, Joel Comm, has been pretty forthcoming with sales figures, and on his blog he noted that over Christmas Eve and Christmas day, more than 58,000 people purchased a copy of iFart, netting him over $40,000 dollars in just two days.
So the NFL tweaked the draft and free agency rules and instituted a complicated and largely fair salary cap. The hope being that the days of the dynastic super teams like the Niners in the '80s, the Cowboys in the '90s and the Patriots in the early aughts would eventually fade, leading to better opportunities for the other 30-odd teams to get a shot at a memorable season.
Putting aside the fact that the Lions obviously didn't buy into this parity nonsense, the results of such a policy have never been as starkly realized as they have this year. Let's take a look at the fortunes of the 2007-2008 playoff teams (with the teams failing to return to the playoffs this year struck out):
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. San Diego Chargers
4. Pittsburgh Steelers
6. Tennessee Titans
Not too much turnover, but it should be noted that the Chargers made it in this year with an 8-8 record. There should be a constitutional amendment banning such an outcome.
The real carnage took place in the NFC:
5. New York Giants
Basically, if you went to the playoffs last year in the NFC and didn't win the Super Bowl, it became time to give someone else a chance.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Fellow conservatives: We're FREAKIN' OUT!!!1!!1!1!!1
OMG OMG OMG OMG FRANKEN!1!!1123w424ws213`1`
We're not freakin' out? Well, it says so right here:
The Right Wing Freak-Out Over Franken Begins
So it must be true!
What now? You want me to look at the author of that post?
I see. We need to adopt the old "assume the opposite" paradigm. It's been a while. I'm out of practice. Sorry.
(Notice how he cites a single mass email from *NewsMax* as evidence of said right-wing-wide "freak out". This from the same crowd of whiny pant-wetting bitches who are still carping about the 2000 election.)
Correction: nobody's freaking out. Except for gelatinous crapbloggers who are upset about the dearth of evidence that conservatives are freaking out.
KAR regrets the
5/1 - Ron Paul demonstrates the superiority of his candidacy by beaming his book directly into the brains of his supporters two weeks before its release.
If KAR is a "digital lifeboat," then Ryan is the virtual little man in the canoe.
5/2 - "The AP neglects to mention Brodkorb's past work as research director for the Republican Party of Minnesota". Given that this quote was lifted from the Minnesota Monitor, you pretty much know how the story ends.
5/5 - College prof routinely gets her ass handed to her in her classroom. Just like some Iowa housewives routinely get hands on their asses in restrooms.
5/7 - Local poopblogger finally gets his long-overdue recognition.
5/8 - Local assblogger finally gets his long-overdue recognition.
5/9 - Local punk-assblogger finally gets his overdue recognition. The defining-down of the term "hero" trifecta is complete.
LarnedFoot and the Order of the Pinkos. Post is too awesome for a wisecrack. Favre stays retired, bangs Iowa cougar in the men's room.
5/12 - Greatest comment thread in the history of the internet.
Demonstrating that there are no depths to which KAR cannot sink, LearnedFoot liveblogs The Bachelor. (Sample: "9:55 - Oh gag.")
5/13 - Dumpsters discover a new venue where they can tell everyone how much they hate Michele Bachmann. KARnies scramble to find a term more descriptive than "loser."
5/14 - Leftyblogger laments "pursuit of happiness" in Declaration of Independence. "Liberty" last seen loading its gun.
5/15 - A KAR Year in Review first: linking to a blog post outside of KAR - because, quite simply, it is so unbelievably full of win. Truly, May was Ryan Rhodes' Golden Age of ThunderJournaling.
5/20 - HA HA! Call me SENATOR PANTSUIT!1!!1!!!
DNC contract requires blue food, clean and spacious restroom stalls for Iowa delegation.
Post title of the year.
5/27 - This is not a post.
5/28 - And the role of LearnedFoot will be played by Chris Noth.
5/29 - This also is not a post.
Dies. I thought Benito croaked
Sixty years ago.
Is HuffPo stealing
Articles? I don't buy it.
Who would steal that crap?
New spy trick: hiding
Secret message in plain sight
Send LearnedFoot cash.
Tired of haikus.
On to damn year in review.
Show me your boobies.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Speaking of football, the Detroit Lions have become the first NFL team to go 0-15. The only real suspense left is which wide receiver they'll take with their #1 draft pick.
Alert reader Yostie points us to this article, decrying the fact that the only minority group that's still PC to mock is Italian-Americans:
Last Sunday, ESPN was providing that day's NFL highlights, including a blocked punt that was returned by Bucs DB Sabby (Sabatino) Piscitelli. Over this footage, ESPN anchor and signature personality Chris Berman said, "And he goes all the way to the 22-yard line."
Except, as Berman said this, he stepped into a stereotypical "deeze and doze" Brooklyn-Italian accent; he cleverly attached an uncultured and uneducated Italian-American dialect to the name Piscitelli.
I take this to mean that only dagos from Brooklyn are uncultured and uneducated. Yougottaproblemwitdat?
Can Pixar do anything wrong? Mrs. Foot recently purchased Wall-E on DVD, and I gotta say that it may be the best Pixar opus yet. Even the closing sequences running during the credits were far more brilliant than 99% of the crap Hollywood puts on the screen between the opening titles and closing credits. The Peter Gabriel song didn't hurt either.
I think this is the 9th or 10th feature-length movie Pixar has released and there hasn't been a clunker among them. At some point, the law of averages has got to catch up with Pixar, and that studio will release a turd. When that happens, I fully expect it will be a cleverly-conceived, expertly-plotted, well-written and beautifully-rendered turd, given their track record.
Twitter is like a Sisyphus Open Thread where YOU can be Sisyphus. The democratization of the internet is complete.
During this Blessed Holiday Season, we all must take stock in how lucky we have it nowadays. Why, it was only 30 years ago that we had to endure the Star Wars Christmas Special. We've come a long way from those dark, dark times.
In the wake of the last internecine BlogWar©, I have noticed that certain formerly anonymous bloggers have started behaving themselves. So maybe all that ugliness wasn't for naught. There's something about having your actual identity associated with your words to awaken the little editor within.
In fact, I'm so inspired by this new found civility and moved by the Spirit of the Season, that I will voluntarily divulge my real name; the man behind the Foot. Lefty hatchetbloggers, start your search engines! My real name is:
Now you know why I use a pseudonym. Thanks Dad.
Friday, December 19, 2008
4/1 - Leftyboners call Foot a racist. Foot challenges leftyboners to find one racist thing he's ever written. Leftyboners never heard from again. This is what leftyboners like to call: "debate".
4/2 - Local leftblogger who typically struggles with putting words together for more than a few sentences, proclaims that Michael Brodkorb struggles with putting words together for more than a few sentences. FAILarity ensues. LearnedFoot confident there will be a callback joke about this in the December recap.
4/3 - Hoisting retards on their own petards by their nards not all that hard.
4/4 - Bunk those beautiful boobies in bacon babe.
4/5 - Mrs. Foot's first ever ThunderJournal post. Bonus: she calls Foot a "doofus".
4/7 - "Sooz. Bubbie. Have a beer and get a fucking life."
The Star Tribune joins Andy Aplikowski in being unable to spell Andy Aplikowski's name.
4/8 - KAR hoists debat beetwen teh 4mer mayer an Flesh.
4/9 - Moron mailer defiles logic worse than an Iowa housewife in a Metrodome restroom.
4/14 - Foot attends his first roller derby bout. Finds the restrooms to be unconducive to banging of Iowa cougars.
Teh Andee rides an elephant; makes the mistake of having picture taken.
4/15 - MonMonkey OUTRAGED that governor wants to cut funding to the Como Zoo. Presumably because his cage hasn't been cleaned in a while.
4/18 - Liberal Think Tanks: a vital part of our community. No, seriously. Some douchebag actually believes that. Of course, his paycheck comes from a liberal think tank.
4/21 - From her statement we can only conclude that Ms. Young does not believe that a website dedicated to the slandering of a single freshman Congresswoman is not a "fringe" blog. How rediculous! READ MY BLOG!
4/22 - KAR's handy Earth Day Earth-saving tips. Don't waste water by flushing that toilet. Use that private stall to screw some housewife instead of peeing.
4/23 - Fleen fails. Fuck.
4/24 - Anal Kid predicts that Hillary Clinton will get the nomination, Favre to remain retired.
4/25 - Greatest. FAIL. Graphic. Ever.
4/29 - Leftyblogger uses Feldman in an inappropriate and unseemly way. No, not that Feldman. You'd need a dick for that.
Q: What's the difference between a lobbying organization for South American terrorists and the Staff of the Minnesoros Dependent? A: Different continents, duh.
4/30 - Joe Bodell apologizes to LearnedFoot and 95% of the MOB for being such a dickweasel. Just kidding! He publishes a post with more fantasy-based slander and pseudo-intellectual bullshit he read in a book by some obscure left-wing polemicist nobody's ever heard of.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Just like everybody else.
Are you paralyzed with anxiety over the possibility that you might miss the opening kick off for this year's Eagle Bank Bowl?
Consumed with dread that the pageantry and majesty that is a December 20 bowl match up between the fifth best team in the ACC and a service academy that somehow managed to lose to Notre Dame might pass you by?
If so, please start taking your medication again, you are a danger to yourself and others.
Or, optionally, you can temporarily ease your pain and silence those hectoring voices (you're going to miss the game, you never do anything right, you're a loser! L-O-S-E-R!) by following this link to:
The Eagle Bank Bowl Countdown!
Yes, you can know down to the millisecond how long it is before the start of the Eagle Bank Bowl and plan your life accordingly.
I have to say that this is the first time Fraters Libertas has published something useful that wasn't cut and pasted wholesale from the Wall Street Journal's website. And Brian isn't content to just rely on the official Eagle Bank Bowl Countdown widget. Oh, no no no! He adds value by creating his own Eagle Bank Bowl countdown clock, forming a nearly failure-proof redundant bowl game counter downer system!
Bravo good sir! Bra. Vo.
In fact I am so impressed with the Fraters' return to relevance, that I have created my own clock that gives you the exact time elapsed since the first time this vital piece of citizen journalism was made available to the world:
Bookmark this page, so that in future you can always know how long it's been since Brian published this vital post with just a click of the mouse!
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
3/1 - Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo gets a colonoscopy. KAR is there. Well, not actually *there*. Because that would be gross.
3/3 - Attempting to win City Pages' Best Blog award, LearnedFoot brings back "fleen" unaware that the entire City Pages staff had already left the paper to write at Soros blogs.
3/4 - Brett Favre retires, considers coming out of retirement.
Anti-gun activist writes the Strib claiming the act of opening a gate constitutes a threat of deadly force. Dives under her desk in terror at the "e-mail sent" message on her computer monitor.
3/5 - Favre quells all speculation of a comeback by staying retired for a complete 24 hours.
Rake Magazine survey finds that some morons actually go to KAR for news, boner jokes.
3/6 - Iron Matron gets the KAR endorsement for MOB Mayor because of all the candidates, she posesses the best leadership qualities, tits.
3/7 - Imagine a world in which all the bumper music is Dio. It's easy if you try.
3/8 - The Nihilist's 2-Hour Dio Hour goes live on the radio, thrilling literally several listeners.
3/9 - Shakin' martinis, playing winning poker, smashing guiars: a day in the idyllic life of Moonchild.
3/11 - Eliot Spitzer calls Brett Favre to ask him what retirement's like.
3/12 - "ARRRRRRGHHHH!!!!! TURD TURD TURD TURD TURD TUUUUUUUUURD!!!!!!!!"
3/13 - The annual MiLF Date Change comes early this year.
3/14 - Googler needs to know how to keep her anus and butt cheeks smelling like shit. Obviously a horny housewife looking to get banged in a restroom. Fortunately, KAR is here for you.
3/17 - [Homer] Mmmmmm....Alabama Hot Pockets... [/Homer]
The most awesome post about how to improve the college game ever written. Ever.
3/19 - Lady gets a new anus. In related news, Al Franken wants to be your next Senator.
3/21 - LearnedFoot attempts to organize the Minnesota Monitor's employees. Finds it to be similar to Wal mart if Wal Mart were funded by a rich Hungarian douchebag.
3/24 - In general, the most succinct guide to arguing with leftist race pimps ever created. Ever. Generally. Ever. In general.
3/25 - In general, the most succinct guide ever to arguing with faux "centrist" who defend leftist race pimps ever created. Ever ever in general ever.
3/26 - Ms. Preismeyer, Dirty Mushroom. Dirty Mushroom, Ms. Preismeyer.
3/27 - LearnedFoot retires from reading leftyblogs. Forever. Just like Brett Favre.
3/28 - "I've got a penis!"
3/31 - The Bodell-Bremmer scoring method adopted for use in the 2008 MilF. Immediately discarded as stupid. The name should have been a tipoff.
Democrats = serial killer clowns. Well, at least clowns.
And befitting a year marked by a historic presidential election, the list reaches its apex with a group of suspects busted in the act of advocating change.
Yes we can! - understand our Miranda rights. My pic pix: 3 and 9.
17 scares me.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Finally, the first hero to emerge from the war in Iraq:
WE INTERRUPT THIS MORON MAIL FOR A POP QUIZ:
According to Wayne Clodspaz, who is the "first hero" to emerge from the War in Iraq?
A) The Marine who drew fire so his comrades could reach safety
B) The Iraqi who tipped American forces to the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein's hidey hole
C) The Green Lantern
D) The idiot who threw his shoes at George Bush
Given that this is a KAR Moron Mail™ Post, do I really need to tell you the correct answer?
Find out what it means to me!
Take out some PCP!
Sock it to me sockittome sockittomesockittome sockittome sockittome sockittome
Speaking of respect, Jeff Rosenberg has some lessons for us about that topic:
Seriously? Do the righties really want to make this into an issue?
I thought they hated Clinton, but clearly the hatred and lack of respect they showed Bill Clinton are nothing compared to what they will unleash on Barack Obama. They have no respect — not for Obama, not for our most basic institutions, and not for you, the American voter.
I’ve said over and over that it’s time for the Republican party to stop being the party of attacks and start being a party of ideas. Clearly, they have no interest in moving in that direction.
You can only imagine Jeff's diminutive frame leaping up and down, arms flailing and legs akimbo as he types that - if such an act were physically possible - is a spastic display of outrage.
Indulge me a short digression here, but I think the word "spaz" is long overdue for a comeback. The word just rolls off the tongue, and evokes in its beholder an exquisitely accurate mental picture of the noun it modifies. Just like KAR brought back the words "boner" and "wiener", I think it's time we try to reestablish "spaz" to its rightful place in the internet lexicon.
And also "clod". Love that word, but haven't seen it since the last time I read Mad Magazine.
Anyway, where was I. Oh yeah: Rosenberg is outraged - OUTRAGED! - that "righties" don't respect "you". What was the impetus of this little tirade? It is, of course, the zombie issue (in that it won't die, and it eats your brains) of Barack Obama's citizenship.
Rosenberg links to the story about the Supreme Courts rejection of cert to some crackpot who sued on this issue.
The Supreme Court has dismissed a second emergency appeal questioning Barack Obama's eligibility to be president because he had dual British-American citizenship at birth.
The justices without comment on Monday refused to intervene in the November 4 presidential election, dismissing the claims of Cort Wrotnowski, a resident of Greenwich, Connecticut.
Though I know nothing about this person, I will concede for the sake of argument that this Cort guy is a "righty". I will also point out that no one name "Cort" should ever be taken seriously. However, as the article mentions, there is another case on the same subject working through the courts. Had Rosenberg any, er, respect for the facts, his readers or even those evil smearboating "righties", he might have checked out the man who is pushing that one and who is mentioned in the last paragraph of that brief article. Philip J Berg.
What's that you say, Jeff?
I’ve said over and over that it’s time for the Republican party to stop being the party of attacks and start being a party of ideas. Clearly, they have no interest in moving in that direction.
I'd be remiss in my obligation to appeal to the lowest common denominator (hi Ryan!), if I didn't also point out the webad on the sidebar:
She may only sleep with Democrats, but for five dollars she'll give anybody a blow job to support her apparent meth habit.
Oh, now there I go making baseless assumptions. Sorry.
All I'm asking for, is a little respect.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Far from the polished delivery and professional graphics you expect from today's KAR, this ThunderJournal had a much humbler, dashed-off birth. In fact, the origins of KAR had it's germ in this 2004 conversation between me and my then next door neighbor Bill:
BILL: Did you see Nick Coleman's column this morning?
FOOT: No, but I did read some extremely stupid letters to the editor.
BILL: I read those too. Almost as dumb as Nick Coleman's pap.
FOOT: If only there were some sort of medium that offers instant turn-key publishing capabilities, hyperlinks, reader commenting and the capability of displaying offensive photoshopped graphics through which we can tell the world how dumb these people are. If. Only.
BILL: Oh, you're thinking of a "blog".
FOOT: A what now?
BILL: A "blog". It's an online web page that does all those things you just mentioned!
FOOT: I see. I'll have to look into that.
BILL: We could start a blog. We could be as big as Power Line!
FOOT: Big as what, now?
And so the next day I googled that word, and I got all manner of weird results. So I called up Bill and he clarified it for me. The first hit was something called "blogspot" (now under a new name), which promised: "a free blog publishing tool from Google for easily sharing your thoughts with the world."
Sharing your thoughts!
This is obviously exactly what I was looking for! FREE!
I hastily set up KAR (the choice of name having been extensively discussed elsewhere on this ThunderJournal). And shot off an e-mail to Bill.
FOOT: I've set up a "blob". Sign up and post something.
BILL: Awesome! I'm going in.
FOOT: No we just sit back, wait for some guy to kill himself with a sherry enema, and watch the traffic roll in!
All that was left to do was to come up with a cool handle. I didn't have much time to think of such things. And I knew that I didn't want to use my real name for reasons that have also been discussed extensively elsewhere. As a new attorney barely a year removed from being sworn into the Minnesota bar, the first thought that popped into my head was the name stalwart 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals judge Learned Hand.
Obviously, I couldn't use "Learned Hand". Some other dead guy already had taken it. How about switching out the surname for another appendage?
Learned Thumb? No.
Learned Penis? Ha! No. (Although, if I had to do it over, I'd seriously consider this one.)
LearnedFoot? Eh. OK.
Total elapsed time: about 17 seconds.
That's all there is to it. And another fun fact: the missing space between "Learned" and "Foot" is attributable to my misconception at the time that the poster name was the same as the username and therefore had to be a single word with no spaces. Originally, I had an underscore in there, but I found that underscores were a terrible pain in the ass to type, what with having to depress the shift key and all.
I think that Hand's name occurred to me first because he was an incredibly elegant writer. He has penned some of the most famous judicial opinions to not come out of the Supreme Court. This is undeniably because he was a crackerjack jurist. But it also had to do with how well he could articulate his reasoning. In fact, in ranking the writing chops of jurists based on their published decisions, I'd have to say that Hand ranks just behind Benjamin Cardozo and this guy as the greatest opinion writers of all time.
I'd like to think that I chose the name as an homage to that uber-literate man; as a brand name that aspired to a higher literary standard than the syntax-challenged illiteracy that characterizes 95% of all the blogs out there and 137% of all comment sections.
Nah. I was in a hurry.
And now you know...The Rest. Of. The. Story.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
"It's critical that we recognize that more and more young people are engaging in anal sex so we can open the lines of communications and help them protect their sexual health," said Celia Lescano of Brown University.... [Link]
FOOT: 'Sup Bill
THE NOTORIOUS B.I.L.: Nothing. What is up with you, Foot?
FOOT: Nuttin'. Whatcha reading?
BILL: Oh, just the Sheboygan Press.
FOOT: Keeping up on all the hap's in Wisconsin's Lake Michigan shore communities?
BILL: Yes. It's a hobby of mine.
FOOT: I see. Anything interesting?
BILL: Why yes. It appears that a sex offender was cleared by the Sheboygan Common Council to live in a certain north side neighborhood. Needless to say, the locals are not pleased.
FOOT: Hey! I drove through Sheboygan once. Maybe I know the guy. What's his name?
BILL: Pheuk Kue.
FOOT: Excuse me????
BILL: I said, Pheuk Kue.
FOOT: What the hell is wrong with you now?
FOOT: All I asked was what the guy's name was -
BILL: And I told you.
FOOT: So what's his name?
FOOT: Pheck who?
BILL: Pheuk Kue.
FOOT: [Outraged] Pheck me???!!!
BILL: No, stupid. Pheuk Kue.
FOOT: ARRRRRGH!1!1!1!1 Prepare to be punched in yer pie hole!
[BILL shoves the newspaper into FOOT's face.]
BILL: Here you moron! Just read the story.
[FOOT snatches the paper, reads the article, and blushes.]
FOOT: Oh. Heh. The guys name really is Pheuk Kue.
FOOT: Yeah. Uh...sorry for the assault...
BILL: No offense taken.
FOOT: Soooooo. What do you think this guy did? Do you suppose he Phuc some Bich?
BILL: Dunno. Probably molested a child or something.
FOOT: Maybe he fukubukuro?
BILL: First of all, I don't think that's illegal. Second, I thought I made it clear to you that that word is Japanese for "lucky sack".
FOOT: Ho ho! I'll bet that Pheuk sure thought his sack was lucky while he was pounding it up against that buckaroo's aso.
BILL: I'm sorry Foot. This conversation can no longer serve any useful purpose. [Exits.]
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
They Walk Among (and Around and in Front of and Behind and Next to and Slightly Ahead, off to the Side of) Us
Around this holiday season, I like to say "Thank You" to people who serve unnoticed. The Democratic-Farmer-Labor party has many people who work so hard to create better communities and better government. This is mostly volunteer work with a few underpaid jobs.
These are the everyday heroes!
Let us now praise great lit droppers!
I have been on three executive boards and supported the highest level financial budgeting, so I can tell you for certain, what a donated dollar buys in the DFL is truly impressive.
Bet it wouldn't buy you an Illinois Senate seat!
While corporations have to have big ticket conventions with lots of perks to support training conventions, the DFL does training with volunteers, a few simple handouts, an inexpensive room, coffee, water, crackers
...some chairs, perhaps a table or dais, walls, a door, some dust bunnies in a corner, forced air climate control, a thermostat, gallons of patchouli...
and maybe a little help from a support staff person. This Democratic frugal one-on-one personal persuasion with the support of a few shiny bits of literature goes up against the corporate media advertising and spun news, and still manages to win.
Yep. Didn't see one "corporate" ad for Al Franken nor one news story "spun" in Barack Obama's direction this last election cycle. Not one.
So send a card of cheer, thanks and good will to your local DFL group or the main office:
Minnesota DFL Party
255 E Plato Blvd
St. Paul, MN 55107-1623
In case Swiftee missed it, here's that address again:
Minnesota DFL Party
255 E Plato Blvd
St. Paul, MN 55107-1623
I'm sure the DFL looks forward to your appreciative correspondence.
And even the smallest contribution will be well spent, if you are able to be generous. If you have not yet participated in the Minnesota's Political Contribution Refund, you can give a gift of $50 ($100 as couple) that you get back from the Minnesota government with just a little bit of paperwork. It's a gift that you get back in two months, what could be better than that.
A Wii game. 3 cases of beer. 50 pairs of socks. Cleaning a toilet bowl with my tongue.
Lots of things.
How about I just buy you a question mark.
But I suppose there are lots of people who would pay a small amount to facilitate the election of DFLers who will extract a much larger amount from someone else to solve any real or perceived problems. Now that's altruism! And you get your money back!
The thank you notes make all the difference, since they are so rarely said.
Thank you notes can talk?
Even in critiques we have recognize all hard work and effort.
I have no idea what that sentence even means.
A thank you now and then makes the difference in people not burning out, even here in writing citizen journalism and blogs.
Hmmm. She write real good.
Fortunately, the co-chairs of DFL party have said they have the spirit and enthusiasm to do a least one more term.
Oh, well! Thank God!
So special thanks to Brian and Donna, who are again candidates to lead. Special thanks and kudos to every volunteer, every staff person, every candidate, every elected official, every contributor, and every voter who helped the DFL through out this year. Thanks to all the citizen journalists as well! Thank you for working for the common good. Thank you for making the world a little bit better. Thank you for all you do!
You are very welcome.
Since all active DFLers are now by definition heroes, I think we need to resurrect that old Bud Light ad campaign and rejigger it to salute this flood of new DFL heroes. Firefighters? Police officers? Serving in the military? Suck it! Today we salute...
DEEP THROATED NARRATOR: The Kool Aid Report presents...Real DFL Heroes
OVERWROUGHT MULLETED SINGER: ♩♫ Real DFL heeeeroooooes ♬♫
NARRATOR: Today we salute YOU, Mister Al Franken State Fair Booth Guy!
OMS: ♩♫ Mister Al Franken State Fair Booooooth Guy ♬♫
NARRATOR: While hoards of overweight outstaters file past gobbling down deep fried cuisines impaled on a wooden rod, you man your post with a steely-eyed determination.
OMS: ♩♫ Ooooo - suck on that corndog ♬♫
NARRATOR: And then when that vital moment arrives, you always deliver the same phrase with polite alacrity "Yes, we DO have bumper stickers!"
OMS: ♩♫ Hoooow 'bout a button? ♬♫
NARRATOR: On the off chance when you encounter a hostile patron, you calmly respond that yes, that "twit" is actually the DFL endorsed candidate for the Senate.
OMS: ♩♫ You can't be serious! ♬♫
NARRATOR: So pop open a Gatorade Mister Al Franken State Fair Booth Guy! Because during these hot days you need to stay hydrated so you can fight on for the one man who has the ability to make Jesse Ventura look statesmanlike.
OMS: ♩♫ Mister Al Franken State Fair Booth Guy ♬♫
NARRATOR: Kool Aid Report, Apple Valley Minnesota.
DEEP THROATED NARRATOR: The Kool Aid Report presents...Real DFL Heroes
OVERWROUGHT MULLETED SINGER: ♩♫ Real DFL heeeeroooooes ♬♫
NARRATOR: Today we salute YOU, Mrs. Nattering Citizen Journalist With an Overly Inflated Sense of Self-Importance.
OMS: ♩♫ Mrs. Nattering Citizen Journalist With an Overly Inflated Sense of Self-Importance ♬♫
NARRATOR: While most Internet surfers recognize blogs and chat forums as an amusing distraction, you believe every one of your digital utterances carry the weight of the world upon them.
OMS: ♩♫ Ooooh, you're saving the world!♬♫
NARRATOR: And when it comes to handing out the "hero" tag, you ladle it out so generously, almost every mammal on the planet seems to qualify.
OMS: ♩♫ We're all an American hero! ♬♫
NARRATOR: Despite a body of written online "work" that causes most people to shoot whatever liquid they may be drinking forcefully from their noses, you soldier on with your ridiculous nonsense, oblivious to your own stupidity.
OMS: ♩♫ Lead is less dense than you! ♬♫
NARRATOR: So crack open another Ensure, Mrs. Nattering Citizen Journalist With an Overly Inflated Sense of Self-Importance! Because in these post-election days, with an economy dragging along like a dog's butt on carpet, it's probably best to be oblivious to your own irrelevance.
OMS: ♩♫ Mrs. Nattering Citizen Journalist With an Overly Inflated Sense of Self-Importance ♬♫
NARRATOR: Kool Aid Report, Rochester, Minnesota.
Mitch goes for the gusto:
DEEP THROATED NARRATOR: Shot In The Dark presents…Real DFL Heroes
OVERWROUGHT MULLETED SINGER: ♫ Real DFL heeeeroooooes ♫
NARRATOR: Today we salute YOU, Mr. Paid Leftyblogger!!
OMS: ♫ Mizz Anonymously-Paid Leftyblogger!!♫
NARRATOR: While the rest of the world goes on with their lives, you devote yourself to the eternal quest; finding an original way to try to photoshop Michele Bachmann…
OMS: ♫ “Ain’t that woman cra-zeee?”♫
NARRATOR: When questioned about your funding, you respond the way your group always has; “Soros? Who’s George Soros?”
OMS: ♫ Never heaaard of him!♫
NARRATOR: But at the end of the day, you’re the one who Twin Cities lefties can count on to break the monopoly of the conservative Star/Tribune, and tell the truth!
OMS: ♫ Pawlenty lied and people died! ♫
NARRATOR: So pop open a Corona, Mister Anonymously-Paid Leftyblogger! Because at the end of the day, when Media Matters says “Jump”, someone has to answer “Off What?”
OMS: ♫ Mister Anonymously-Paid Leftyblogger♫
NARRATOR: Shot In The Dark, Saint Paul, Minnesota.
A man carrying a black coffee mug appears to be responsible for shutting down Stillwater Area High School on Tuesday morning.
The school was placed in lockdown about 8:15 a.m. after police received a report of a man wearing a ski mask and possibly carrying a handgun near the school. About 20 officers from Oak Park Heights, Stillwater and Washington County searched the area and found no tracks in the snow or other signs of the man, said Oak Park Heights Police Chief Brian DeRosier.
While officers were searching, a county sheriff's deputy and a Stillwater officer reported that while driving to work, they saw an "individual who they believed matched this description with what they believe was a black coffee cup in his hand," DeRosier said.
Hang on a minute. Black coffee mug? THAT'S PROFILING!!!1!!
Let's give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the mug looked like a weapon. They're out there...
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
The dishonesty of the narrative about Obama during the campaign went a step further with its assumption that if you can place two people in the same room at the same time, or if you can show that they held a conversation, shared a cup of coffee, took the bus downtown together or had any of a thousand other associations, then you have demonstrated that they share ideas, policies, outlook, influences and, especially, responsibility for each other's behavior. There is a long and sad history of guilt by association in our political culture, and at crucial times we've been unable to rise above it.
If you're an observer of some local lefty bloggers, you'd know that there are no times at which they rise above it.
We can only conclude that even a narcissistic and sociopathic radical zealot is morally and intellectually superior to Bodell, Bremmer and the others.
Monday, December 08, 2008
1) The Blogger polling ap sucks. You can't change the font color or background, and the black-on-navy blue format rendered the thing nearly illegible.
2) A disturbing number of you have anonymous adulterous affairs at Iowa truck stops.
3) The more upright citizens of KAR nation are of the same mind as me that this MilFy married mother of 3 is a total horny minx who was fully aware of what she was doing when she got some backdoor lovin' in that men's room with some guy she never met.
4) A thin film of poll respondents thought that she was completely out of her gourd and had no clue what she was doing. The term "blackout" was thrown around quite a bit. But it's my understanding that alcohol induced blackouts have to do with a person's memory of a given event or space of time rather than a complete incompetency to act in the present.
And that part may be true. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't take her at her word when she says she has no memory of the incident between the time shortly before young Mister Walsh inserted his wiener into her willing womanhood up until the moment her afterglow got harshed by one of Minneapolis' finest. In fact, I am pretty sure the same thing happened to me this weekend. To wit, it seems that I got so drunk this weekend that I:
- Turned gay
- Enrolled in Columbia University
- Tried to get Columbia to reinstate its ROTC program
- Wrote an article about my efforts for the Wall Street Journal, in which I
- Spelled my own name wrong.
I confess complete ignorance. I know that I made my traditional Sunday morning bloody mary a bit strong yesterday, but- this, this is not me. I'm not gay. I'm all about my children. I go to church sometimes. I didn't even know that Columbia had banned ROTC from campus until I read about it in my own Wall Street Journal article!
Somebody must have slipped something into my drink. Yeah. That's it.
[Tip o' the pitcher to pretty much every person who reads this ThunderJournal for pointing me toward this story, which I do not deny happened, but is totally out of character for me. In conclusion: not gay.]
E DONS HIS COLUMBO HAT: Oh, and one more thing...
For those of us into doing the ameteur sleuthing into Mrs. Feldman's story there is one very important but unanswered question that points to motive. She left her seat claiming that she "had to go to the bathroom". Well, we know that she did go to a bathroom. But did she ever pee?
We don't know, and no one's ever said.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
2/1 - Study finds global warming may cause fewer Packer wins in Lambeau, more restroom sex in Metrodome.
2/4 - Giants pull off biggest Super Bowl upset ever, defeating the undefeated New England Patriots. Patriot fans unable to see game because satellite signal could not penetrate thick layer of smug over Boston.
Armed with its first hit single and umlauts, blog-based heavy metal sensation Deathsküll plans its first world tour, to begin when the band finds a drummer, bassist, lead singer and 5 guitarists.
2/5 - "Back in Black"? Seriously?
A letter from some guy we know for sure has not had sex in a restroom stall.
Ryan Rhodes "is impossible to choke, possesses a "plank-like living-rigor mortis capability" and once "stained a ceiling" with a "fart".
2/6 - On caucus night, LearnedFoot's Primary concern was getting his plank adopted. Caucus.
Weiner poopie. Weiner. Poopie. WEINER POOPIE!1!1!!!!
2/11 - The Notorious B.I.L completely revamps KAR's design. Since the KAR design you are looking at now is identical to the one we started with in 2004, you can pretty much figure how well that worked out.
Knickerpicker.com debuts. KAR links to it. Entire readership of KAR simultaneously spends the next 5 minutes in the bathroom.
2/13 - ♬♭Hil-lar-y / For you and me / Why don't / You just kill me ♭♭♭♭
Michele Bachmann officially becomes the 1 millionth person who won't take Karl Bremmer's calls.
2/14 - Old and busted: White Castle. New hotness: St. Paul Grill.
Don't drink and google, bang married chicks in bathroom.
2/15 - Faces of Deathsküll.
2/19 - The compleat works of Fraters Libertas in a single post.
2/21 - African American woman who lived a hardscrabble childhood claws her way to success by her bootstraps thanks God she lives in America where such things are possible. Just kidding.
2/24 - Ralph Nader = lint trap.
2/27 - Top 12 reasons KAR should replace Captain's Quarters in the Northern Alliance. "Because they never screwed a married woman in a stadium restroom" conspicuously absent.
2/29 - Head of Alfredo Garcia embarrasses himself: "The only way it could get worse for Steve Perry? If Soros hires Brian Lambert as his district manager." Wrong! Perry thrives on editorial guidance from above.
Unbeknownst to the Northern Alliance, KAR and the Nihilist in Golf Pants officially accepted into Northern Alliance. Let a thousand flowers bloom!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
After a 3 week sabbatical, the drama at the soon-to-be non-nonprofit Minnesoros Dependent ramps up anew
Steve Perry, News Editor of Minnesota Independent, has resigned, according to knowledgeable sources.
Oh, please please PLEASE tell me he's resigning so he can go on a reunion tour with Journey!
This is the other shoe dropping after MnIndy's parent, Center for Independent Media, announced last month that the staff was being pared, freelance budget eliminated, and editing centralized in Washington, D.C.Ironically, one of the laid-off staffers, Andy Birkey, will rejoin the four-person MnIndy staff to replace Perry.
Lessons taught but never learned...
(First person to name the source of that obscure lyric gets an all-expenses-paid public restroom tryst with an
CIM, a nonprofit, has been under fire locally for badgering its staff to, in the words of ex-freelancer Britt Robson, run "stories that embarrassed Republicans and promoted Democrats."
That ran counter to Perry's "pox-on-all-power" ethos honed to a knife's edge during his many years as City Pages' editor
To be accurate, his pox was directed in one direction way more than the other.
If Perry doesn't hook back up with Neil Schon and the boys, maybe he'll resurrect the Daily Mole and return to publishing the dissociative ravings of Karl Bremmer.
We can only hope.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
1/3 - Idiot letter writer thinks the 2nd Amendment consists of a single word. Here comes the grammar.
Obviously burned out from all his posting, Dementee posts a homoerotic picture of John Edwards followed by a clip from The Godfather, and then retires from blogging.
1/4 - "Sounds kinda Brokeback..."
1/7 - Foot finally finishes 2008 in review series; grabs a knife and goes all emo on his arms.
1/8 - The groober cycles stopped remonifying the tweez causing seriously malfunctioning flarbies during the output. Now how in the hell am I going to probesce my flocuals DAMMIT?!!!
1/9 - Foot invents the term "Tic" while endorsing a cured pork product for President. No, really.
1/10 - O(Bonermort) + MNPublius = FAIL
1/11 - OPG invents the Unified Soldier Field Theory, gets drunk, bangs some Iowan in a public restroom.
1/14 - Early '80s progressive rock can teach us a lot about empty sloganeering.
1/15 - KAR gets fabulous.
Apparently the "change we've been waiting for" is a massive orgasm. Presumably in a public restroom with some married babe.
1/18 - Target tries to tweak its competition by surreptitiously designing a suggestive logo. What boobs!
1/22 - Uranus gives way to bacon this year.
1/23 - New Twins stadium plans unveiled. *hic*
1/24 - The MilF hype starts uncharacteristically late leaving Andee a mere 6 months to plan how he'll outdouchebag himself this year.
1/25 - LearnedFoot ruins the St. Paul Winter Carnival Medalion Hunt for everybody with charges of homoeroticism.
1/28 - The Great Metal Poll of Aught-Eight goes live, downs a bottle of Jack Daniels, bites the head off a bat and bangs some married chick from Iowa in the arena restroom.
1/29 - NonMonkey discovers some outfit called the "Citizens for Election Integrity Minnesota". Didn't we just have a big election? Oh - silly me! Democrats won most of the races. That's why we haven't heard from them since.
1/30 - A local blogger named "Teaparty" writing at a blog called "Les Enfants Terribles" argues that the Scorpions are "Heavy Metal". Homoerotic.
1/31 - METALFESTEY!
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
SUCK IT PARIS HILTON FAN BLOG!
Monday, December 01, 2008
And that paragraph followed by a lengthy block quote cribbed from a news story would have been the extent of the post I would have done about that story about the two Hawkeye fans gettin' busy in the men's room stall. However, one of the participants in that tryst - the 37 year old married mother of 3 - had to give an interview to the press and take this story from mildly interesting to fully awesome:
What Lois Feldman, 38, will remember is the humiliation afterward.
“It’s ruined my life,” she said through tears today. “Not just the incident but the press.”
Feldman, a married mother of three, has been the target of Internet jokes and prank telephone calls today. She was fired this morning from an assisted living center, where she had been an administrator.
Feldman said her husband, Kelly, has been supportive. She said he faults himself for not going with her when she left her seat to use the restroom before halftime.
“I don’t know what happened,” Lois Feldman said. “But I don’t deny that it did happen because obviously there are police reports.”
Police ticketed Feldman, 38, and Ross Walsh, 26, of Linden for indecent conduct Saturday night.
Miner said police didn’t measure the blood-alcohol level of Feldman or Walsh. Asked to respond to Feldman’s claim that she was too drunk to recall the incident, Miner said: “That’s probably an accurate statement.”
Feldman said she’d never met Walsh.
“I don’t know who this man is,” she said today. “I just found out his name in the paper last night.”
Feldman, who describes herself as a light drinker, drank wine at the home of family friends before the football game.
She said she doesn’t remember how much she drank, but the party’s hosts refilled her glass each time it was low “so I’m sure I drank a lot.”
Feldman said her husband later told her he’d tried to talk her out of the game because she was intoxicated.
“He said I didn’t realize it was that bad,” she said.
Feldman said her husband accompanied her to the game, but their friends stayed home.
She said she remembers sitting in the stands one moment and the next “being slammed around by a cop and screaming.”
“Apparently I was panicked and very uncooperative,” she said.
Feldman said she “ran away” from her husband the Metrodome after the incident.
She said a woman she didn’t know offered her a ride home about 11 p.m.
Feldman said she gave her husband’s cell phone number to the woman, who called Kelly Feldman for directions to the couple’s hotel.
Lois Feldman said her attorney has encouraged her to fight the ticket.
Yeah, that strategy worked out really well for Larry Craig.
“He feels I was taken advantage of in my state of mind,” she said. “This is not me. We’re a very good family. This shouldn’t happen.”
Obviously, that last line begs a very interesting - if wholly irrelevant to anything that matters in your life - question.
Do you buy her story? Was she so plastered that she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, or is she trying to cobble together a plausible story to save her marriage and reputation?
I have my own thoughts. You can give yours via the poll on the sidebar. Here's the police incident report to help you make an informed and responsible choice. This will also serve as a test to see if Blogger's polling ap sucks less than Pollhost's.
A an epilogue to all this, I note that there hasn't been much said about her partner in crime, Ross Somethingorother. That's probably because, being drunk and from Iowa, he probably thought she was a sheep. Nothing surprising there. [/obligatory Iowa joke]
Yes, It's a special announcement from Joe Bodell!11!!!
Eagle-eyed readers may have noticed some things changing and appearing and disappearing, and others have simply been reading closely. The wait is over:
The Project has been months in the making, and is the result of the merger between Minnesota Campaign Report and MN Blue. In coming up with many of the same ideas and doing many of the same things with both sites, Eric and I agreed that working together would further our common goals: providing a go-to source for online progressive politics in Minnesota.
For fisking-types, this is like opening a present before Christmas.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
KARnies sat in our undies, wondering "what is the point?"
The Anal Kid sat, drinking gin in his shorts,
while Xerxes lit farts, with thund'rous reports.
Iron Matron cursed fate as she huffed on her glue,
(and the last that I checked, so was Fleissmeyer, too).
And Foot in his wifebeater prowled the office's halls
cursing our fortunes and scratching his balls.
When out in the parking lot burst forth a noise
(and not of the stinky kind Xerxes enjoys...)
Away to the door we all ran, trudged and crawled,
slipped open the deadbolt and leaned on the wall.
Foot muttered "it's probably some addle-brained punk..."
when something appear'd thru the miasmical funk.
It opened our minds, like coffee stained folders;
A "Light-Worker", being carried on his followers' shoulders.
A dashing young fellow, so carefree it seems,
to be, yet, the vessel of all of our dreams.
And as we rubbed our eyes, and as Learned Foot groused
they came to us quicker than Charlie Sheen running to a Bangkok whorehouse.
"Now Matron! Now Foot! Now Alfredo the Head!
Now Fleisshammer, and...is that V-Toe'd guy dead?...
...it matters not. Tag it and bag it. Just screw it.
It's the season of thanks - so get out and do it!"
Like the hangover dissolving before Ibuprofin
we stirred from our funk, and desisted our loafin'
and to the Light Worker, Foot peevishly went,
looked him in the eye and enounced "Go get bent.
Be thankful for what? Our cash flow's molasses!
And my do-nothing "staff?" They're all just jackasses!"
And there, they both stood, like gunfighters of yore
(except gunfights have shooting, and this was a snore)
as Bill shuffled his feet, and Anal Kid grumbled
and back in rest room, Tucci yelled, cursed and stumbled,
the Light Worker appraised us, hung-over and wan,
and shook his head with disgust, and began:
"Good people - and yes, even all of you guys,
have much to be thankful for! Open your eyes!
There beer! Baseball! Turkey and bacon!
And we've not let institutionalized extragovernmental takin's!
You're healthy! OK - wealthy, wise, not so much,
but it's not a day for miracles, as such.
Anyway - give thanks for the things that you've got!"
Matron: "But what of the things we have not?"
The Light Worker: "Matron, you needn't be snotty.
If nothing else, thank God that you're not like..."
JOE TUCCI: "What? No ending for the poem?"
THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: "I got nothing, man. I'm sorry".
LEARNED FOOT: "That's it? All that writing, and you can't find one last damn word?"
THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA: "Nope. I'm out. Total writer's block."
LEARNED FOOT: "Crap. Well, see you all on Monday".