Friday, January 25, 2008

Because I'm Bored, and So Are You

Since there is woefully little ThunderJournal fodder today, I decided to break down the clues for the PiPress' annual Winter Medallion Treasure Hunt. For the uninitiated, every year during the St. Paul Winter Carnival, some guy from the Pioneer Press hides a medallion somewhere in a Ramsey County park, and then the paper publishes daily clues to aid hunters in their task. The person who finds the Medallion wins cash, prizes and the ire of a lot of losers who took 2 weeks off from work just to move snow around various St. Paul parks.

I am an amateur medallion hunter with little knowledge about St. Paul parks who has only actually gone out in the snow and looked for it twice. But I do have a ThunderJournal. Who better to break down the clues than me?

All the links you need can be found here.

CLUE 1

You've joined the hunt for the regal runt
To prove searching does pay
Don't dig a hole or knock down a pole
And the golf course is out of play


Last year Jake took home the cake
With a clue a bit off level
This year we'll rinse off all our prints
Lest this hunt go to the devil


WTF???

OK. It's not on a golf course, and you're not supposed to destroy stuff. Gee thanks for that tip. Not like you couldn't figure that out from reading the rules or anything.

And also, that last line indicates to me that St. Paul's mayor is ineligible to win. Overall, not much here. Let's move on.

CLUE 2

The point of all this is so that you won't miss
Your big chance to grab all the cash
Now gather your guys and a gal who is wise
You'll have to do something quite rash


WTF???

What this clue seems to be saying is that you need to gather some men and one female and...

...do something rash.

The mind teems with ideas, none of which HAVE THE REMOTEST THING TO DO WITH FINDING THE #$$%=! MEDALLION!!!!

CLUE 3

We've scanned the county to hide our bounty
And keep you on your toes
It may sound risible, but our puck's invisible
Although it might just stick to your nose
.

WTF???

The medallion's invisible. But it sticks to your nose.

This is obviously one of those clues that describes what the medallion looks like, rather than its location. No small detail to be sure. From this clue, I can confidently say that the medallion looks like a translucent booger. Progress!

CLUE 4

How fun is the snow how far will we go
You really ought to go see
Get up for the mission and not just the wishin'
Get into the game — it's all free


WTF????

"How far will we go"

"Get up for the mission"

"It's all free"

This seems to be a reiteration of CLUE 2. Singularly unhelpful, if a bit arousing.

CLUE 5

There once was a clue that drove you-know-who
To threaten a heinous act
We'd use it again but we're afraid of his pen
My friend, that's an unfortunate fact


OH OH OH OH !!!!!!!! I KNOW THIS ONE!!!!!!!

A couple of years ago PiPress columnist and radio talk show host Joe Soucheray bitched endlessly about the difficulty of the clues. His ire was drawn to one particular clue that referenced an obscure 19th century crime in which some chick killed her hubby and dumped his
body near Como Lake. That clue was intended to point hunters toward Como Park.

"We'd use it again".

Meaning they'd reprint the clue. Meaning...

THE MEDALLION'S IN COMO PARK !!!!!!!! OMFG!!!!!! I'M RICH!!!!! I'M OFF TO FIND THE MEDALLION!!!!!! ALL YOU OTHER TREASURE HUNT SUCKAZ ARE SO TOTALLY OWNED!!!!!!!

***2 hours later***

Holy shit Como Park is big. Better load up on another clue.

CLUE 6:

All ye who look should honor the book
As one who stood for hope
Much was built in the name of the kilt
Look sharp now and never mope


WTF???

Let's break this one down line by line:

"All ye who look should honor the book"

Given the theme of Clues 2 and 4, I think it's safe to say that the book being referred to here is the Kama Sutra.

"As one who stood for hope."

Well, obviously, this refers to Barack "Hope. Change. Hope. etc." Obama. Duh.

"Much was built in the name of the kilt"

In the name of the "kilt" -- "kilt" is obviously an anagram for something:

"likt" -- Fits perfectly with Clues 2, 4 and the first line of this clue.

"Look sharp now and never mope"

Dress well and be happy.

CONCLUSION AFTER 6 CLUES:

To find the medallion this year, it appears necessary to look for a large gelatinous see-through booger while having a MMMMMF orgy with Barack Obama in Como Park.

Hope this helps.

Happy hunting. Though I think I may sit this year's hunt out. It sounds pretty gross.


UPDATE: Interesting thunderJournalistic observation:

Apparently, reprinting a Medallion Hunt clue generates about as much search engine traffic as putting R0n P@u!'s name in a post.

No comments: