[NOTE: The following is the transcript of a press conference held by LearnedFoot earlier today.]
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, thank you for coming here today. I have a brief remark, and then I will take questions.
As the Chief Editor of this fine ThunderJournal, the Kool Aid Report, I have decided that the time has come to change. Over the next few years we will be implementing various changes to the way we KARnies go about our daily ThunderJournaling business. As the Buddha once said, "Everything changes, nothing remains without change," and that goes for us too. We have accepted the great admonitions of Gandhi and Paul Wellstone that we must be the change we wish to see in the world. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. For it is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. When you're finished changing, you're finished.
In short, the people who read ThunderJournals are clamoring for change, and we here at KAR have heard their call. We shall commence changing shortly.
I will now take your questions.
Could you please describe what changes you plan on implementing?
Yes, and thank you for your question. The changes we plan to make here at KAR will be wide ranging and pervasive. In the immortal words of Noted Dead Guy Thomas Carlyle, "By nature man hates change; seldom will he quit his old home till it has actually fallen around his ears." Well, we're not waiting for KAR to fall around our ears. We KARnies, all of us, are committed agents of change that will bring about changes that can help see KAR through our current changing environment.
Yes, you in the back there.
So then...uh...what will these changes look like?
The people want change, and we plan on giving it to them!
What changes do the people want, then?
They want positive changes. And it is our hope that we can give them some positive changes when we roll out our new Plan for Change.
We in the press have been hearing a lot of promises about change in the current presidential race -
Er, the presidential race.
Oh. Is that going on now? I had no idea. Please continue.
Thank you. Anyway, a lot of the candidates keep promising "change". In fact, "change" has become quite a buzzword. How are the changes you plan on introducing to your ThunderJournal different than this somewhat ethereal concept of "change" these candidates keep pushing?
Well, when you get a presidential candidate pushing "change," what they're usually talking about is what will be left in your checking account after you pay your taxes!
[Pauses for laughter. None comes.]
Er, what we're proposing for KAR is deep and abiding change. A real change from the current status quo. You know - change.
OK, well then tell us please what exactly you plan on changing about KAR?
Oh, there will be wonderful changes! All the same, we take our chances. Laughed at by time, tricked by circumstances. Plus ca change, plus cest la meme chose - The more that things change, the more they stay the same.
OK, now you're just quoting obscure Rush lyrics. Do you have anything substantive to tell us about these changes to KAR?
Only through love changes come. Change changing places, root yourself to the ground. Capitalize on this good fortune, one word can bring you round: Chan-
And now you're quoting Yes. Do you have anything else to say that's not lifted from an '80s progressive rock act?
Change is good! Change happens! Change for change's sake! Change change change change change change change change change change!
This press conference is over!
Hey! That's my line. That's quite the - er, departure from the norm, wouldn't you say?