Friday, January 11, 2008

A Very Special OPG Moron Mail

I'm still pretty new to this, but I am temporarily sober. I think I'll give this a shot.

Here's a moron:

Today marks a sad anniversary:

He must be talking about the Vikings loss to the Chiefs in Super Bowl IV. It's a pretty safe guess, since he wouldn't be calling it a "sad" anniversary unless he was a Viking fan. And as we all know, Viking Fan = Moron.

six years since the arrival of the first prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, detention center.

Holy non sequitur Batman! What does this have to do with important things, like football; specifically tomorrow's epic playoff tilt on the Frozen Tundra?

The treatment of the detainees there is a betrayal of American values and has shamed our country internationally.

No. The play of the Detroit Lions in the past 2 decades has been a betrayal of American values and has shamed our country internationally (note to coastal elitists: the NFC North = America) . Keeping a bunch of militants locked up so that they can't kill innocent people? Not so much.

Please refocus your comments toward football now, if you would.

Our country has held detainees, some for all six years, without granting even the most fundamental legal rights.

Oh fer cryin' out loud. I'll just paraphrase the rest of this letter until we get to something normal people who don't engage in self-important grandstanding care about:

Blah blah blah blah blah blah Halliburton blah blah blah blah blah blah blah shredding the Constitution blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah taxcutsfortherich blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah illegal war blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah more Halliburton again blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah selected not elected blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Sean Penn blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah (where's my patchouli?) blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Bushitler blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bacon sucks blah blah blah blah blah OUTRAGE! blah blah blah blah blah let illegal aliens vote blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and blah.

I think that about covers it.

We'll be wearing orange to show our outrage.

Ohhhhhhhhhh! You're a Broncos fan! That overtime loss to the Pack cut a little deep, did it? I should have known: if Vikings fan = Moron, then it follows that Super Moron = Vikings fan + high altitude oxygen deprivation. Or something.

Hey, wait a minute. Isn't one of the Bears' colors orange? I may have to rejigger that whole calculus:

Vikings Fan + oxygen deprivation + close proximity to Gary, Indiana = Super Duper Moron.

And there you have it: The Unified Solier Field Theory.

When you see us, please ask us about Guantanamo and what you can do to help shut it down.

Beh. I think I'll just daydream about tomorrow's game. Thanks for the invite, though!

DARREN SHARPERSUCKSFARRETDICK, ST. PAUL;
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, VIKINGS' SHITTY SECONDARY

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