Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Impersonating Our Way Back to Glory

Over the weekend, I noticed that KAR has lost the top spot on the Nihilist in Golf Pants' top 11 blogs list, dropping us all the way down to #3. While I'm not bitter to have slipped down the list (we have, after all, held the top spot on that list for the better part of 4 years), I am a bit disappointed at the blogs that were chosen to replace us.

Nihilist's aptly-ranked #2 blog is now N(otre)D(ame) Nation. This should come as no surprise to anyone, as the NIGP is a typically insufferable Notre Dame alum. And really, the only way at this stage to get back in front of ND Nation on the list is to lose 9 football games or put on a production of the Vagina Monologues, and do it better than Notre Dame does. Obviously, we are in the wrong millieu to do that. Therefore we need to shoot the moon and go after the #1 blog, if we are to reinstall ourselves into blogging immortality.

For some reason, the Nihilist's #1 blog is now Fraters Libertas; a blog so formulaic and predictable, I could do the same things they do better than they do them typing only with my butt cheeks. (However, I will not be doing that now, as I am at work.) That said, there is a certain difficulty involved in that there are 4 contributors to Fraters, whereas I am but just one man. Therefore, I shall write the post that returns us to number one, by incorporating the 4 disparate styles of the Fraters into a single post. The powers that be at the Nihilist in Golf Pants shall witness the raw power and sick blog game of KAR as we do the Fraters schtick better than the Fraters can, and they have no choice but to return us to number 1. That post begins anon:


The other day while I was standing in line waiting for a free burrito and sticking pins into my Rick Majerus voodoo doll, my thoughts turned to my recent travels to Ulan Bator, Mongolia. I enjoyed riding in business class for the 37 hour journey (free drinks!), however the hooch seemed to have sapped my immune system as I came down with the Mongolian Spotted Death Flu within 24 hours of deplaning. Also, the movie selection in the hotel room sucked, and there was no CSPAN available (to say nothing of CSPAN's younger, more free-spirited sibling, CSPAN2).

And now, because I don't really feel like writing any more, here is an extensive and uninterrupted excerpt from a random Wall Street Journal Opinion piece (free for all!):

House Republicans have been taunting Democrats for turning down their offer to eliminate spending earmarks, and Democrats reply that the GOP isn't serious. The Republicans seem intent on proving that Democrats are right, as GOP leaders showed last week in denying Arizona's Jeff Flake a seat on the Appropriations Committee.

Mr. Flake is the scourge of earmarks and the last person Members of either party want on Congress's main spending committee. He would have been a whistle-blower for taxpayers, in particular against the powerful Democrats who get the most earmarks now that they are in the majority, such as Pennsylvania's Jack Murtha. But Republican spenders couldn't tolerate someone who would call out their pork too.

House Minority Leader John Boehner has been warning his party that it won't take back Congress until it swears off earmarking, so he must be getting comfortable with his minority status. He handed the Appropriations seat to Alabama's Jo Bonner, who had less seniority than Mr. Flake (three terms to four) and also votes routinely for spending that Mr. Flake opposes. Americans for Prosperity, a conservative advocacy group, compared voting records and found that of 50 amendments on the House floor to strike specific earmarked projects, Mr. Flake voted for all of them.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snork* Er...

Oh, you're done reading. Time to wrap this up:

I'm so drunk! Hugh Hewitt is a big weiner who can't drive snowmobiles . Hockey! America - fuck yeah!

Your Brother in Christ,

St. Chad the Doubtless Atomizer

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