Thursday, March 06, 2008

Primary Coloreds

[Scene: The most opulent conference room at KAR World Headquarters. All KARnies - LearnedFoot (LF), BILL, Dementee (DEM), The Head of Alfredo Garcia (HOAG), Iron Matron (IM), The Analog Kid (ANAL KID) and Xerxes (RYAN) - are gathered.]

LF: Okay everybody. Let's get started. Bill, you have the floor.

BILL: Thank you. As you know, the MOB mayoral election is only seven months away, and we have yet to endorse KAR's nominee. Nobody leaves this room until we have selected a nominee. Now does anyone wish to volunteer or nominate someone?

HOAG: I'm from North Dakota! The MOB has never had a North Dakotan mayor who is impervious to cold before!

[Everybody rolls eyes. HOAG goes back to sleep]

LF: Well, I think what he MOB needs is a Dago to lead it. I mean - hellooooo - it is the "MOB" right?

DEM: ME NOT SURE DEMENTEE AGREE WITH THAT!!!!!!!

ANAL KID: Yeah - all three MOB mayors have been straight white men. I think we need to offer something different.

LF: You mean, like a - er...?

ANAL KID: Gay? Yes.

LF: A pie-baking nancy?

ANAL KID: So you're nominating Bill then?

BILL: HEY! I'm not gay!

RYAN: [sarcastically] Sure you're not *coff*gayboy*coff*!

BILL: Oh, right - say the ass-obsessed ThunderJournalist and the guy nicknamed "Anal Kid"!

[An impressive slappy fight ensues. DEMENTEE jumps into the fray and breaks up the scrum.]

DEM: ENOUGH!!!!!!

LF: OK, OK - Bill's not gay as far as we know. Do we have any other Differently-Identified Americans that we can nominate?

IM: I hereby throw my bra into the ring - for I am strong! I am invincible! I am woman!

DEM: EXCELLENT!!! WE HAVE BONA FIDE VICTIM MINORITY!!!!! ME THINK THIS ELECTION ALREADY IN BAG!!!!!

RYAN: Not so fast there my moonbat-snarfing friend. Wasn't Mayor Applikowski a woman? That's not change! Change is me - bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy! Surely there is no more insular minority than me. Plus, I bring hope -

LF: Dude, bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy-Americans are not protected minorities!

RYAN: But I have the audacity to bring change through hope! Hope for change with Ryan, the bald-Brazillian-Jiu-Jitsu-blue-belt-famous-internet-ass-picture-guy! Anybody that doesn't vote for that is just a hater - a hater of hope and change, and the changes that hope brings. Hope change fart poop fart.

BILL: Nah - still not identity-based enough.

LF: Are you sure you're not will to maybe pretend that you're gay, Bill?

BILL: NO!

ANAL KID: What about Dementee? Furry blue rage-addled cannibals have been terribly underrepresented in politics.

DEM: ME NOT SO SURE!!!!!!!! THE FURRY BLUE RAGE-ADDLED COMMUNITY NOT THAT BIG!!!!!! ME NOT SEEING IT TRANSLATING INTO VOTES!!!!!!!!

LF: Let's take stock of where we're at right now. So far, we have the woman, the cannibal, the Sexually Different exhibitionist martial artist and the faux gay guy.

BILL: I'm not gay!

LF: No I was talking about the other guy, you know...him? [pointing]

ANAL KID: Me? Why? Because you shortened my name to read "Anal Kid"?

LF: Yeah. What? You're not gay? Or acting gay?

ANAL KID: No!

LF: And what was your name again?

ANAL KID: !!!!!!!!!!! [Storms out of meeting]

IM: If I wasn't running myself, I'd vote for the ass guy, though if the Wop does run I may step aside and vote for him.

LF: There's a Wop running?

IM: Yeah, I think so.

LF: Who is it?

IM: Er, I think that it's you.

LF: Oh right.

LF: ...

LF: And you are?

IM: The woman.

LF: Ah yes. And I am...?

IM: The Wop; the Ginney.

LF: And my name is?

IM: I, uh, don't remember.

BILL: Well this is going nowhere.

RYAN: Hey, the gay guy's back! Let's nominate him! It would be historic!

BILL: I'M! NOT! GAY!

IM: No, Ryan, I think it was the other gay guy who left. Wasn't it Wop?

LF: Yeah, I think so. Why don't we just nominate Woman?

IM: Hey - I have a name, you know!

LF: What is it again?

IM: I don't remember.

[Awkward silence]

DEM: Let's nominate Woman!

LF: Wait! We need to take a vote! Everybody who wants to vote for the Wop, raise their hands...

[Nobody raises hands]

BILL: [Whispering to LF] Psst - that's you!

LF: Oh yeah! [Raises hand] All those voting for the Internet Pervert?

[RYAN farts]

LF: And the cannibal?

[Dementee doesn't vote, but instead eats the conference table]

LF: What about the faux gay dude?

BILL: I'm not gay!

LF: No, not you. The other faux gay guy. Whatzizface.

[Bill looks down, toes the ground uneasily and raises his hand.]

LF: And finally, who wants a woman in charge?

[IRON MATRON raises both of her hands]

LF: Woman wins the nomination with two votes!

IM: Yessssss!

LF: Congratulations, Woman Candidate! Let the mayoral campaign commence!

RYAN: I hope to change my underwear now!

BILL: Wow. I know we've never done this before, yet this whole process all feels vaguely familiar.

[All exit except for HOAG, who wakes upon the slamming of the door.]

HOAG: Hmmm. I guess this nominating process is over! (Who were those people anyway?)

[Exit]

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