Friday, March 21, 2008

They Have the Perry, But We've Got the Power

With the sweeping changes over at Minnesota Monitor of late, I got to thinking about how that operation is now being run. With a brand new Editor in Chief (or Kommisar, or Enlightened Leader, or whatever the hell they call him) Steve Perry, and a host of brand new rep- er, reeeeeeee-; reeeeport-;

Sorry, I seem unable to articulate that word in this context. Let's call them "contributors".

So, with a new Premier and a host of new contributors, I think the time is ripe for the good employees over at the Monitor to organize.

I mean, here you have this supposedly "progressive" "news" "outlet" totally exploiting the labor of its contributors for a measly $1,500 per month bribe stipend. And MinneMoni's parent, the Center for "Independent" Media doesn't appear to even offer health insurance, let alone a 401(k). You'd think that an organization that's aligned with those committed to bringing Cuban-style health care to our shores would be part of the solution, and not part of the problem.

So, having a background in Labor Law (I got in "A" in the course in law school), and being a fellow local ThunderJournalist and a former union member myself, I decided that I was in the perfect position to free the Glorious Workers of the Minnesota Monitor from their shackles of servitude.

First, I contacted the IBEW (they're always looking for new dues, er, I mean members), and told them to get one of their best "salters" ready. Then I contacted one of the more feisty new exploited MinneMoni contributors, one Molly Priesmeyer, via email:

Dear Ms. Priesmeyer,

My name is LearnedFoot, and I am contacting you to inform you of your right to organize with your fellow workers into a bargaining unit. Our records show that you and your fellow workers are bribed paid a mere $1,500 per month, and you are not provided an employer-paid health insurance plan. I think these conditions are deplorable, and I suspect you do as well.

Given the flexible perceptions of truth, and penchant for making shit up to cast the objects of your scorn in the worst possible light I see portrayed daily in your scribblings, I fear that there may be few alternatives for you to earn a fair wage and garner decent benefits in our current job market. I think Union representation is right for you and your colleagues and consistent with your world view.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.



I received the following reply from Ms. Priesmeyer, which - even though I'm totally making it up - is what I believe an accurate reflection of what she would be thinking:

Dear Mr. Foot,

You sound hot. I bet you have an enormous penis. We should get together some time.

Kisses and Licks,


Since this was the opposite of the reaction I wanted, I immediately flagged her email address as spam. Unfortunately, she must have forwarded my communique' on to her boss, who also wrote me:

Dear Mr. Foot,

You sound hot. I bet you have an enormous penis. We should get together some time.

Kisses and Licks,

Steve Perry

And thus, I have sworn off defending the working man (and woman) for the rest of my life.

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