Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A Very Important Post For Those of You Living a Healthy Lifestyle

I know many of you are coming here looking for the puerile take on Toothgate. I want you to rest assured that I have assigned the story to several members of staff, who are working around the clock to bring you the very best in recriminatory and ad hominem insult humor. Perhaps you may have already read The Head's piece immediately below.

In any event, we've received all kinds of tips and pictures from our adoring public, and hope to get around to posting them soon. Just know that we here at KAR are always endeavoring to bring you the classiest lowbrow humor at the expense of assholes who so richly deserve it.

Which brings me to today's important topic: farting.

I have recently begun working out again. Last month, I got a membership with a large, locally based health club chain and have been lifting weights and doing cardio on alternating days five to six days a week. After about a month, I am again able to kick the living shit out of nearly all of your typical bloggers and blog readers. But that's not what I'd like to address today.

What I would like to address is a problem that I've found to be rather common during my workouts. It seems that when some people are doing cardio work, they seem unwilling or unable to hold in their flatulence. At least twice a week, I'll be cruising along on an elliptical machine looking a lot like Sigourney Weaver at the end of Aliens, when an invisible cloud of flatus smacks me right upside my schnoz. A particularly rancid one floated through the cardio room yesterday causing me to fall off my machine.

I will not mince words: This needs to stop, and it needs to stop now.

Not only does the nauseating smell of poo gas cause me to hold my breath - not advisable when burning those calories - but its embarrassing. For all I know, that hot chick in the spandex on the machine next to me thinks that I laid it. While that shouldn't bother a married man, I was still raised to know that one should not drop ass in the company of ladies who do not write for the Minnesota Monitor. I don't want her thinking that I'm rude or not in control of my faculties.
And what about that poor single guy on the machine on the other side of her? He was thinking of maybe asking out the spandex hottie right up until he became the other prime suspect in the Case of the Epic Elliptical Burrito Blowout. Now everyone within noseshot is looking unflinchingly ahead, trying to pretend that it doesn't smell like someone left a Cleveland Steamer on the treadmill behind them.
In short, farting in the workout studio ruins lives.
So please, if you must fart at the gym, take it back into the locker room where that sort of thing is appreciated. Unless you're a spandex-clad hottie, and you're the one who's dropping them; in which case, well, that's just f-ing cool.

Iron Matron adds:

I was working the treadmill at Brap Fitness this afternoon, and to my surprise in front of me was Molly working out right next to Ryan! When Ryan realized who he was "beating cheeks" next to, he asked her, "Hey: aren't you the mynx who wrote that MN Mon piece about McCain's teeth?" Molly demurely replied, "HellOOO, who else would contribute such award-winning Soros-journalism? Ha hahahaha. Like, yeah. It was totally me. I can totally sniff out a scoop anywhere." To which Ryan replied, "Cool! Hey, I've got a scoop on a dirty mushroom story for you. Check it out!"

I thought that pic was take at her last meeting with Steve Perry. It wasn't?

Matron answers:

Nope. This was her last editorial meeting with Perry:

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