LEARNEDFOOT: Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this latest installment of the KAR Debate Series. Founded in 2006, the KAR Debate Series was created to provide a forum in which the general public can join us in making fun of people. I am your moderator, LearnedFoot.
Today's topic will be a general discussion of current events. Our debaters are two local blogging stars: The former Mayor of the MOB, Andy Aplinkowski who will be facing off against self-proclaimed moderate and math expert Flash.
We will begin with Mr. Aplinkowski.
LF: Today, the Minnesota Monoitor reports that local defense firm and weapon-maker ATK sold a lot of bullets to the U.S. Military. How lame is that as a "news" story?
ANDY: Io dint c taht storee, butt eye do no taht teh accountents dere are teh HOTT!
LF: Flash, you have one minute for rebuttal.
FLASH: It amayzez mee taht far-rite nuttjobes lik Andee, hoo cant even strin too sentenzz twogeter gett sew up in armz overy a phew upstranding citisen jernalists who gett paid a few penies.
ANDY: Blow itt oot yore as budy!
LF: That's enough Mr. Aplinkowski. Please only speak when it's your turn. Our next question is for Flash: what is the square root of 69?
FLASH: I wood espekt a far rite winger suc adze yerself too have truble wif maht. Yoo kep marjanlisimng yerselfs with yer radilcal standses on ishoo like lower tackses. Ahm hapee two pa mor four a bettar Minasoda, butt yoo winnuts tink taht paying ofer a tird off yore inkome in tacksez is to much. Jus keep on marjenalisin yoreselfs you far rite wing maht impared wingnutses!
LF: Time is up? One minute for rebuttal Mr. Mayor.
ANDY: Er, ate-somthing?
LF: That is correct!
LF: And you also get this next question: The subprime mortgage crisis has had a rippling effect throughout our ecomomy and threatens to drag this nation into -
FLASH: (Interrupting) ECONOMIC HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!
LF: (Ignoring) - recession. If you had complete control to do anything that would avoid or limit the negative effects of a recession, what would you do?
ANDY: Wel, ferst flavenyoshki like r toit du joonet goo; tehn haartyu i Loorty poo jakl beev toor aness tuke koolyoert beningle. Baningle too frew huting keggle -Hah ha ah ah ha! Joonrew delonger teh ko loufey noob. Shizzle!
LF: One minute for rebuttal, Flash.
FLASH: HELLLLLLLL!!! WE'RE IN ECONOMIC HELLLL!!!!! WERE DUMED!!!!!!!!! TEH GOP HAZ DRIVED US INTWO TEH TOYLETTE!!!!!!!!! A FEW PENIES!!!! YOO DRINK COOLADE!!!!!!! IM INDEPENDINT!!!!! SCAIFENET!!!!! YEEEEEEARRRRRRGHHHH!!!!!
LF: And... time.
Now the debaters will have two minutes to give their closing arguments. No - strike that. Pursuant to a last minute rule change I just made, the debaters will be given 2 seconds for their closing arguments. Flash, you're on the clock.
LF: Time! Mr. Aplinkowski?
LF: And that concludes today's debate. While we weren't able to find common ground on much, we were at lest able to put the word "shizzle" in Mr. Aplinkowski's mouth. We'll call it a draw.
Until next time, this is your Moderator LearnedFoot saying "farewell" and have a great toit joonet goo!