Tuesday, April 22, 2008

KAR's Handy Earth-Saving Tips for Earth Day

I guess today is Earth Day. As the most eco-conscious ThunderJournal in the Northern Alliance, it falls to KAR to celebrate Our Mother by helping you ignorant troglodytes save it. Or something.

So in that spirit, here are several tips and hints about how you can do your part to help the environment compiled by the KAR staff.

* Be careful not to confuse burned out compact fluorescent lights with fully illuminated ones. The difference between the two is a mere 1 or 2 watts.

* Carbon dioxide and methane are the 2 leading greenhouse gases causing global warming. Unfortunately the world's 6 billion people emit tons of those two lethal gases every day. To reduce the number of emissions you contribute, use an earth-friendly biodegradable cork to plug your anus and stop breathing.

* Recycle the mercury in your burned-out CFLs by making groovy-looking homemade thermometers!

* Are you an eco-conscious liberal who needs to drive a car but can't afford a hybrid? No problem. Try clogging the exhaust pipe of your Subaru or Ford Fiesta with a biodegradable and earth-friendly banana or potato. You could cut your greenhouse gas emissions by almost 100 per cent!

* Computer monitors contain bazillions of pixels, each of which requires electricity to illuminate. However, no electricity is needed to illuminate pixels in areas of the screen which are black. Therefore, you should only visit websites that contain a lot of black.

* Start a compost heap in Nick Coleman's yard.

* Before you recycle that cell phone, be sure to erase all contacts, personal information and those pictures of your naked wife playing with a vibrator.

* The ethanol industry needs all of our food. Therefore, restrict your diet to 150 calories a day. Yeah, you too fatty.

* Reuse your old bumper stickers.

Happy Earth Day, and good luck!

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