Monday, May 12, 2008

Bachelor Finale Liveblog

This KAR Original Liveblog™ is lovingly dedicated to the Nihilist in Golf Pants.

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We here at KAR are please to bring you this liveblog of the MOST SHOCKING BACHELOR FINALE EVER!!! Hopefully we can expand our female readership. Or our nancyboy readership. Whatever.

9:01 - The Bach is "chucked" to be back home in London.

9:03 - Our first "stakes are high" cliche!

9:04 We meet the Bachelor's family: Brother Simon, father Simon, and Mum Simon. apparently they're British too.

9:06 - Simon (mum) is "chucked" to meet Chelsea.

9:07 - First sloppy kiss. They're chucked to be together.

9:10 - Bach: "We could be engaged this weekend." Liveblogger's advice: bet the under.

***First Commercial Break***

9:14 - And now we meet Lorenzo Llamas' daughter. She looks maaahvelous.

9:15 - Moonchild is out of bed and yammering in my ear. I can't hear anything. Please help out in comments if you can.

9:17 - Mrs. Foot thinks that the family isn't chucked by Shane.

9:18 - WELCOME visitors from google searches for "The Bachelor"! I don't normally do this. This isn't my real gig. I play keyboards.

9:20 - Simon (dad) looks like that gay judge (no, the other one) on Dancing with the Stars.

9:21 - Mrs. Foot points out that this liveblog is basically an admission that I watch the Bachelor.

FUCK! I wish she would have told me this 25 minutes ago!

9:24 - Shout outs to our reader in Mountain View California!!! Glad you could tune in!

9:25 - OMFG A HELICOPTER RIDE!!11!11!!

9:25 - Mrs. Foot: a) now wants to go to Barbados; and b) cautions that helicopters crash a lot. Watch for a possible twist in the action...

9:26 - Copter didn't crash. How predictable.

9:26 - DOUBLE ENTENDRE ALERT: "We 'fit' well together on the beach.

9:27 - Love..blah blah blah. I'm chucked to be watching this.

9:28 - SHOUT OUT TO OUR READER LOGGING ON FROM THE WEST DES MOINES HILTON! Thanks for surfing by!

***3rd COMMERCIAL BREAK

Mrs. Foot's analysis to this point: "I think he's going to make a big mistake if he picks Shayne. that said, he'll probably pick Shayne. If I were him, I'd pick Chelsea."

[Mrs. Foot slaps me after making the obvious suggestive lesbian remark here. *sigh*]

9:33 - "Shayne's a like a little monkey." What a compliment!

9:34 - Bach and Shayne are going parasailing. Could a Caribbean enema be coming?

9:35 - no

9:36 -Shayne: "I'm just ready to marry him." You're 22.

9:37 - Uh oh. Shayne broached the l-word. Unfortunately that word was "love" and not "lesbian".

9:38 - OH DENIED! Bach dodges in reply to Shayne's "I love you": "I'm falling in love with you." Shayne, I'm sorry to say that you just got served.

***7th Commercial break***

9:41 - Bach: The ring symbolises the love and devotion I feel for whichever girl I'm going to propose to later.

9:42 - Chelsea's first. Long time Bachelor fans like my wife know that this means absolutely nothing.

9:44 - Bachelor goes old school: "It's not you, babe. It's me." Maybe she would have had more luck if she'd tried using the "l"-word. No not that l-word. The other one. You know what I mean.

9:45 - Oh snap! Chelsea throws down on Shayne. Says she's fake. The Bach is not chucked to hear this. (Mrs. Foot adds "he's pissed." Or whatever the Brit equivalent of "non-chucked" is.)

***83rd COMMERCIAL BREAK. I'm actually chucked for this break since that exchange between Chelsea and the Bach left me emotionally spent.

9:50 - Mrs. Foot thinks that Shayne looks like a lemon. I'm wondering if she's wearing a thong under that teeny skirt. Blow wind blow!

9:51: Based on Shayne's eyebrows, Mrs. Foot hypothesizes that Shayne's drapes don't match her carpet.

9:55 - Oh gag.

9:56 - "Shayne will you Marry me?" "Yes" Liveblogger's advice: bet the under.

9:57 - I think I'm going to chuck.

9:59 - Mrs.Foot and I have been positively chucked to bring you this liveblog. This season of The Bachelor - and this live blog - is over!

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