This KAR Original Liveblog™ is lovingly dedicated to the Nihilist in Golf Pants.
We here at KAR are please to bring you this liveblog of the MOST SHOCKING BACHELOR FINALE EVER!!! Hopefully we can expand our female readership. Or our nancyboy readership. Whatever.
9:01 - The Bach is "chucked" to be back home in London.
9:03 - Our first "stakes are high" cliche!
9:04 We meet the Bachelor's family: Brother Simon, father Simon, and Mum Simon. apparently they're British too.
9:06 - Simon (mum) is "chucked" to meet Chelsea.
9:07 - First sloppy kiss. They're chucked to be together.
9:10 - Bach: "We could be engaged this weekend." Liveblogger's advice: bet the under.
***First Commercial Break***
9:14 - And now we meet Lorenzo Llamas' daughter. She looks maaahvelous.
9:15 - Moonchild is out of bed and yammering in my ear. I can't hear anything. Please help out in comments if you can.
9:17 - Mrs. Foot thinks that the family isn't chucked by Shane.
9:18 - WELCOME visitors from google searches for "The Bachelor"! I don't normally do this. This isn't my real gig. I play keyboards.
9:20 - Simon (dad) looks like that gay judge (no, the other one) on Dancing with the Stars.
9:21 - Mrs. Foot points out that this liveblog is basically an admission that I watch the Bachelor.
FUCK! I wish she would have told me this 25 minutes ago!
9:24 - Shout outs to our reader in Mountain View California!!! Glad you could tune in!
9:25 - OMFG A HELICOPTER RIDE!!11!11!!
9:25 - Mrs. Foot: a) now wants to go to Barbados; and b) cautions that helicopters crash a lot. Watch for a possible twist in the action...
9:26 - Copter didn't crash. How predictable.
9:26 - DOUBLE ENTENDRE ALERT: "We 'fit' well together on the beach.
9:27 - Love..blah blah blah. I'm chucked to be watching this.
9:28 - SHOUT OUT TO OUR READER LOGGING ON FROM THE WEST DES MOINES HILTON! Thanks for surfing by!
***3rd COMMERCIAL BREAK
Mrs. Foot's analysis to this point: "I think he's going to make a big mistake if he picks Shayne. that said, he'll probably pick Shayne. If I were him, I'd pick Chelsea."
[Mrs. Foot slaps me after making the obvious suggestive lesbian remark here. *sigh*]
9:33 - "Shayne's a like a little monkey." What a compliment!
9:34 - Bach and Shayne are going parasailing. Could a Caribbean enema be coming?
9:35 - no
9:36 -Shayne: "I'm just ready to marry him." You're 22.
9:37 - Uh oh. Shayne broached the l-word. Unfortunately that word was "love" and not "lesbian".
9:38 - OH DENIED! Bach dodges in reply to Shayne's "I love you": "I'm falling in love with you." Shayne, I'm sorry to say that you just got served.
***7th Commercial break***
9:41 - Bach: The ring symbolises the love and devotion I feel for whichever girl I'm going to propose to later.
9:42 - Chelsea's first. Long time Bachelor fans like my wife know that this means absolutely nothing.
9:44 - Bachelor goes old school: "It's not you, babe. It's me." Maybe she would have had more luck if she'd tried using the "l"-word. No not that l-word. The other one. You know what I mean.
9:45 - Oh snap! Chelsea throws down on Shayne. Says she's fake. The Bach is not chucked to hear this. (Mrs. Foot adds "he's pissed." Or whatever the Brit equivalent of "non-chucked" is.)
***83rd COMMERCIAL BREAK. I'm actually chucked for this break since that exchange between Chelsea and the Bach left me emotionally spent.
9:50 - Mrs. Foot thinks that Shayne looks like a lemon. I'm wondering if she's wearing a thong under that teeny skirt. Blow wind blow!
9:51: Based on Shayne's eyebrows, Mrs. Foot hypothesizes that Shayne's drapes don't match her carpet.
9:55 - Oh gag.
9:56 - "Shayne will you Marry me?" "Yes" Liveblogger's advice: bet the under.
9:57 - I think I'm going to chuck.
9:59 - Mrs.Foot and I have been positively chucked to bring you this liveblog. This season of The Bachelor - and this live blog - is over!