Friday, June 06, 2008

Ah... Hmong Friends

[LEARNEDFOOT (FOOT) is reclining in a barcalounger reading a newspaper at KAR HQ. BILL enters.]

FOOT: 'Sup Bill?

BILL: Nothing. What is up with you?

FOOT: Meh. Just reading this Calgary newspaper that Chad the Elder subscribed us to as a prank.

BILL: That wiener! [Shakes fist.] Anything interesting?

FOOT: Well I am reading this scandalous article about betrayal, infidelity and murder in this Vietnamese-Canadian family.

BILL: Oh, my. Do dish!

FOOT: Well it turns out that this married couple - what were their names? [Refers back to the paper] - um... Phuc and Bich were in this love triangle with...

[FOOT looks up from the paper to notice BILL glaring angrily at him]

FOOT: Is something wrong?

BILL: I don't think that that's appropriate at all!

FOOT: What's not appropriate?

BILL: What you called that Vietnamese lady.

FOOT: What did I call her?

BILL: You know what I'm talking about mister!

FOOT: [Thinks for a moment.] No, I can't say that I do.

BILL: *sigh* You know, just because I'm still listed as a contributor on your SewerJournal doesn't mean I approve of that sort of language!

FOOT: What sort of language?

BILL: That name that you used!

FOOT: Which name? "Phuc" or "Bich?"

BILL: Yes!

FOOT: ????

FOOT: That was an either / or question.

BILL: And like I said, I am offended at that sort of language.

FOOT: You're offended by "Phuc" and "Bich"????

BILL: Arrrgh! Stop saying that!

FOOT: Why? Those are their names; "Phuc" and "Bich".

[BILL cringes, then realizes what is happening.]

BILL: Gimme that paper! [He rips the newspaper out of FOOT's hands, and scans the article.] Aha! I see it now. I'm sorry, but you were pronouncing the names wrong.

FOOT: OK, how would you pronounce them?

BILL: "Fook" and "Beesh".

FOOT: !!!!!

BILL: What?

FOOT: You just got finished dressing me down for using harsh language which I did not use, and then you turn around and insult me using a foreign accent???

BILL: I don't know what you're talking about!

FOOT: I cannot believe the hypocrisy! Why the hell would you call me a "fooking beetch" as if you were some sort of Turkish immigrant or something? What did I ever do to you? Here or abroad?

BILL: I was just pronouncing the -

FOOT: Think you're a big worldly man, huh? Think that I sound like a provincial doofus troglodyte 'cuz I'm trying to pronounce exotic names through my thick Milwaukee accent? Is that it? For that I'm a "fooking beetch"???

BILL: No! All I did was -

FOOT: Let me tell you something mister! Why don't you just fly back to Japan and fukubukuro? You Fukuda Aso!

BILL: OK. Now you're just talking gobbledygook.

FOOT: Fukudome!

[FOOT storms out of the room.]

BILL: [Shakes head.] That's just Truong.

[And... scene.]

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