Wednesday, June 11, 2008

If You Can't Stand the Heat, Kick Elia Out of the Kitchen

To: Mitch Berg

From: LearnedFoot, Average schmuck and food-oriented reality show connoisseur

Re: The relative hotness of former female Top Chef contestants

Like you, I am a big fan of Bravo TV's "Top Chef." I enjoy your takes on the show, even though it now appears that your once promising theory to predict the finalist seems to have been somewhat discredited by the events of this season. It was an interesting theory, and one you should take no shame in seeing disproven. After all, the discovery of incredibly powerful predictive devices such as the Nihilist Anti-Lock Betting System typically only occur once in a generation.

That said, I have a major quibble with your Top Chef coverage.

Please stop referring to Casey as the epitome of Top Chef hotness. Everybody knows that Elia was BY FAR the hottest babe to ever chop leeks in the Glad Family of Products™ / Toyota RAV4™ Top Chef Kitchen (brought to you by the GE Professional Collection™). This is objective fact and the debate is over, so don't even bother arguing it. Elia's so hot, she makes Casey look like that leftyblogger Tild in comparison.*

Sure Casey is cute. But she is no match for the exotic, scorching hot, drool inducing hootchie mamaness that is Elia. Want evidence? How about this: even after Elia shaved her head, she was still inducing boners in a fair majority of the admittedly small straight-male Top Chef viewership (to say nothing of the large lesbian viewership) (although I'm pretty sure they don't get boners, per se) ("screaming thigh sweats, maybe?) (end of parentheticals).

So, in conclusion, Elia = yummy, and I ain't talkin' about her food.

* I have never actually seen this Tild woman, but I don't need to. I am pretty sure that she's a big fat blob of hideousness. Because I just know, OK?

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