Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Moron Mail: Where have all the morons gone?

OK, I know you answered the question in the subject line in your head already. "The Internet," you said, probably adding "you idiot" shortly thereafter. Right on both counts, but today I found a whole new vein of stupidity that I, in my myopicness, had heretofore known nothing about.

When Foot roped me into writing graciously offered me the chance to write for this fine Thunderjournal, he encouraged me to write the occasional Moron Mail entry. Practically drooling, I started checking the Letters to the Editor at the Strib every few days, looking for drooling-but-for-a-different-reason suspects to tear into.

But either my timing was poor -- not unusual; consider my being out of town during the MiLF yet again this year -- or the letters have been edited more closely to clean out some of the idiocy. As time went by, I found fewer and fewer mouthbreathers in the Letters section; I feared that opportunity had passed me by, and I was forever locked into trolling food blogs for bacon references. Clearly, this ThunderJournal's consistent Moron Mail postings had prompted the editors to clean house a bit.

Yeah, I actually believed that for a second.

But then I discovered Netlets. [Cue trumpets and chorus of angels.] Are they only posted online? Probably, but I don't care. Netlets is where the morons that the editors started culling out of the print herd are sent to stagger behind the rest and die by the teeth of ThunderJournalists.

Let's see what's available today...
Flip flop could be sign of courage
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--

OK, while there's almost an actual point there, he falls for calling a "flip" (a single change in stance [no, not from narrow to wide -ed]) a flip-flop. And if it was a sign of courage, wouldn't you expect it to be a flip from a popular position to an unpopular one?

Onward:
Success ought to breed withdrawal

My question to Charles Krauthammer: If the United States has been so successful in Iraq, as your June 14 column asserts, why isn't it time to start bringing the troops home?

SALMON PETER, BONERTONKA

My question to you, Peter: when the antibiotics you take for your debilitating VD start to work, isn't it time to stop taking them?

But you can't beat this for pure "what the hell?"ness:

It saddens me that on June 17, the Star Tribune published an article dealing with how Bonny Belgum felt when she saw Keith Richards' face on a book cover. Not only did it take up a third of the page that could have been used for more important issues, but also reflected America's obsession with looks and celebrities. The article didn't even mention what kind of a person this Richards was. It only talked about how his face looked. I hope that someday we can go beyond what's on the outside and focus more on the inside.

DIC BRINGZA, BONERMOUTH

Set aside his being too dense to understand what the "opinion" piece (more of a column, really) was supposed to be about; that Esquire is, in fact, a magazine and not a book; and that he clearly has no idea who Keith Richards is (not "was"; despite his looks, he ain't dead yet).

No, the true stupidity is this: Dic, the last place the Strib should be publishing "more important issues" is in the Opinion section. Sack and Keillor and Sturdevant, dealing with "important" issues? Sure. And I'll be the surgeon doing your bonerectomy today, Mr. Bringza.

So, based on my complete lack of research, incredibly late discovery of this "feature" of the Strib, and about 5 seconds of thought, I hereby retract my theory of "Peak Moron Mail" and substitute the theory of "Strib Stupidity Conservation":

The level of stupidity broadcast by the Strib is a constant; it just gets shifted around once in a while.

UPDATE: First corollary: Every few weeks, every last bit of it lands on Nick Coleman.

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