Thursday, June 19, 2008

Moron Mail

The Moron Mail trifecta is now in play:

Before people jump on the "more domestic oil drilling" bandwagon, they should know it takes a minimum of 10 years for the oil to be found, drilled for and extracted, pipelines to be built to carry it to a refinery, refined and, finally, put into a gas tank.

Oh, OK then. I guess I'll just run right out and buy one of those cars that runs on hydrogen fuel cells or dead cats. I'll be right back!

Um, OK. I went to the car dealer, and he told me that the only cars they sell run on gas. Obviously a tool of Big Oil™.

Meanwhile, the last refinery built in the United States was in the 1970s, and it takes another 10 to 15 years to build one. And, if people think it's going to lower gas prices, they're sorely mistaken. Remember, it's the oil companies that do the work and build the new infrastructure. Just how do you think they're going to cover the costs?

I do remember hearing something about them reaping "windfall profits." If only there were some use all that extra money could be put to. Hmmm....

No, the big effort should be in finding alternative forms of energy and developing the vehicles that can run on them, not placating oil-hungry people and the politicians who pander to them.


And until that evil car dealer fesses up and tells me where he hides those cars that don't run on gas, I guess I'll just have to try to fill my tank with Happy Thoughts and the Promise of Future Technologies with butterflies flitting about under rainbows and bubbles, while the Grateful Dead plays "Terrapin Station" on a stage made completely out of soy based cotton candy!

(I'll probably still have to top it off with gas, though.)

Good thinking, slapnuts!

KEVIN DRISBONER, ST. PAUL

Oh, we're not done yet. This letter is in the running for the Stupidest Simile Ever Award:

U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann's plan to open up more exploration options to cut fuel prices makes just about as much sense as lowering the price of liquor to cure alcoholism.

Well, no. When a guy's car is filled with gas, he can get to work and be a productive member of society. When he is drunk or hungover, he usually doesn't even bother getting out of bed.

Which, I suppose, saves him on gas.

The truly sad part of this debate is that she may even be right in believing the electorate is that shortsighted.

And the alchie sucking on his $3 bottle of Stoli, alone in his car at the gas station, waits for the mystical Unicorn of Environmental Stewardship to deliver the magical Green Technology of the Future, while Stalinistic jerkholes force him to suffer for his own good in the present by the leave of their own consciences.

JEFF BONERCEK, MAPLEWOOD

Geez. Next thing you know, they'll be calling for the nationalization of the oil industry...

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