Thursday, June 12, 2008

Speechless

[LEARNEDFOOT is alone, poking a steaming pile of ...something with a stick. RYAN and THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA enter.]

HOAG: You called?

RYAN: What's that you're poking there? It kind of looks like what became of the burrito I ate last night, but I know that I left that in my toilet this morning.

FOOT: [Too engrossed to take his eye off the pile.] This is today's column from NonMonkey.

RYAN: Ewwww! Gross! DO NOT WANT!

FOOT: Yeah. I know.

HOAG: So why did you want us here?

FOOT: I thought we might multifisk it...

HOAG: ...But?

FOOT: But damned if I know how.

RYAN: What do you mean?

FOOT: Well, it has something to do with flying cows and impeaching the president.

RYAN: Sounds promising! Let's get a-fiskin'!

FOOT: Wait. That's not all. He also refers to Dennis Kucinich as though he were sane. And, well...

HOAG: Sounds like easy pickin's to me. Let's get at it. Unless there's more you're not telling us. Who did he quote in the article? A mime?

[Both RYAN & HOAG chuckle at HOAG's bon mot.]

FOOT: As a matter of fact, yes.

[RYAN and HOAG stop laughing.]

RYAN: You're kidding, right?

FOOT: No. I wish I was.

RYAN: Well, I still think we can work at -

FOOT: [Interrupting] This mime also regularly does a "crucifixion performance" at some church, and has a hard time drawing the distinction between the persecution and death of Jesus - who, if I am to trust the Bible, harmed no one - and a bunch of psycho Islamist zealots who joined a group whose main tactic is to kill and maim as many innocents as possible to advance their cause.

RYAN: ...

HOAG: [Muttering] Lousy Unitarians!

RYAN: I... I ah...er. It's just that... um... FUCK!

FOOT: Exactly.

HOAG: There's nothing to do here. It's a self-fisking column.

FOOT: We can't outdo the unintentional hilarity in this column with our smooth, witty and caustic brand of intentional humor. I mean, how many different ways can you say "Look at how stupid this sentence is!" without it getting boring?

HOAG: Agreed. So, what do we do about the column now?

RYAN: Kill it with fire, and don't look back.

HOAG: Agreed! Fire FIRE! Heh heh heh!

FOOT: [Shaking fist in air] Oh, you've beaten us this time NonMonkey! But we'll be back!

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