Monday, July 07, 2008

The Bell Jar

[Wednesday. Early evening. ANDEE Applecowkee and LearnedFoot (FOOT) are sitting at a table at Billy's - a local St. Paul watering hole - chatting over beers and buffalo wings.]

ANDEE: So I sez too teh guy, I sez "Yoo kan tak yer Ron Pall an shuve him strait up yer adz!!" Heh.

FOOT: That's a nice story, Andy. [Waitress enters; drops a plate of Billy's delicious buffalo wings on the table, and exits] Oooh! Wings are here. Help yourself.

ANDEE: Tahnks butt dose tings giv me gass.

FOOT: Suit yourself. More for me. [Voraciously tearing into wings] OM NOM NOM NOM!

[Enter QUIMBY. QUIMBY ambles smugly over to the table where FOOT and ANDEE are sitting, and begins leering alternately at the wings and at FOOT.]

FOOT: Can I help you?

QUIMBY: I see that you are eating buffalo wings, or as we call them in Colorado, "buffalo wings".

FOOT: Your powers of observation are unparalleled. [Turning attention back to wings] OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

QUIMBY: I don't believe you paid your fair share for those wings...

FOOT: ???????

ANDEE: /////////

FOOT: Um, I believe I did...

QUMBY: No. You did not.

FOOT: Did so.

QUIMBY: Did not.

FOOT: Did so.

QUIMBY: Did not.

FOOT: Did so.

ANDEE: Dido!

FOOT: ???????

QUIMBY: ???????

ANDEE: [Muttering] Dam speel cheker.

FOOT: So tell me then, good sir, what would be "my fair share"?

QUIMBY: More than you're paying for them now.

FOOT: But I'm paying for all of them now.

QUIMBY: True, but you are paying less for them as a percentage of your income.

FOOT: ...

ANDEE: ,,,,,

FOOT: Um. So what?

QUIMBY: Well, see those lowly bloggers sitting over there? Yes? Well, those guys earn half as much as you do. Yet they are still paying the same menu price as you are. Do you think that's fair? Do you think that's justice?

FOOT: Why yes, yes I do. [Grabs a fist full of wings and ostentatiously crams them into his mouth] OM. NOM. NOM. NOM.

QUIMBY: Ah, typical conservative, I see. So unenlightened.

FOOT: [Eying a fork laying on the table] Oh, well! Please enlighten me!

QUIMBY: You see, you can buy those buffalo wings, and still have enough money left over to fuel your Hummer -

FOOT: I drive a Taurus.

QUIMBY: Please don't interrupt me again. You have enough money to spend on other things, necessary or frivolous. But those poor bloggers over there, who are paying disproportionately more for that same plate of wings, will not have as much money left over, because they have less disposable income than you. This is wrong.

FOOT: [Feigning concern] Oh, I see. Whatever shall we do to remedy this grave injustice?

QUIMBY: The way I see it you have two options: either pay for a portion of their wings, or I will take some of your wings and redistribute them to those poor downtrodden, underinsured bloggers.

FOOT: I will take option three.

QUIMBY: Which is?

FOOT: Stabbing you in the neck with this fork until you go away.

QUIMBY: I see that you are a stubborn conservative who insists that he has some right to these wings that you purchased. You have no right to these wings -

FOOT: And I also have no right to stab you with this fork. Yet here we are...

QUIMBY: *sigh* There's no getting through to you people. I guess I'll have to gin up some cherry-picked statistics and lobby the legislature for a new law. [Walks away, musing] "The Chicken Wing Equity act of '09"... no, um, "The Bleu Cheese Dream Act!", that doesn't sound right. Er... "The Quimby Act." Yes that'll do nicely...

ANDEE: Geze. I tought dat guy wood never leaf!

FOOT: Good thing I didn't tell him that I know the manager here and that I get a dollar off all my tabs.

[One of the gathered leftybloggers overhears FOOT's remark. Begins shouting.]

LEFTYBLOGGER #1: SHOCK! WINGNUT BLOGGER GETS SWEET DEAL AT LOCAL BAR!

[Others pipe in with same story. The bar fills with the sound of shouting leftybloggers.]

LEFTYBLOGGER #2: CONSERVATIVE SMEAR ARTIST GETS UNEARNED DISCOUNT AT BILLY'S!!!!

LEFTYBLOGGER #3: CURIOUS! BACHMANN SUPPORTING BLOGGER GETS BREAK ON WINGS, BEER! MICHELE BACHMANN LIKELY BEHIND SLEAZY PATRONAGE!!!!

LEFTYBLOGGER #4: RIGHT WING BLOGGER HAS COZY TIES TO BAR MANAGER!!! DOES THIS MEAN HE'S GAY????!!!

LEFTYBLOGGER #5: PAID REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE LEARNEDFOOT DOESN'T PAY FOR HIS WINGS!!!! DEVELOPING....

FOOT: [Facepalming] I knew I shouldn't have come here.

ANDEE: Troo that.

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