Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The MilF: Where All the Golfers Have a Handicap

It's time for the annual Handicapping of the Field!

[crickets]

Friday's tournament may be the most competitive ever in the long and storied history of the Millard Fillmore Memorial KARNation Open Championship Golf Outing Classic. Weather may also be a factor, as Paul Douglas has predicted "a stray storm popping up Friday" which, if his accuracy holds, means "Hurricane Dolly will reach category 3 strength by the time it plows into Apple Valley around 1 pm on Friday."

A reminder to MilFers and PostMilFers: we play, rain or shine. If there's lightning, we run screaming into the clubhouse like a bunch of pansies and drink ourselves stupid until it passes. But then we resume play.

But back to the field.Here are the tee times, pairings and analysis for the 2008 MilF (tee times are approximate):

NOON

Policy Johnson (LaPlante / Johnson) Odds: 3,987,100 to 1

This is the second year for LaPlante of the Policy Guy blog who is paired with tournament rookie and KAR Kwote Widget inventor Troy Johnson. Johnson is an unknown, but LaPlante is very known, leading his 2007 team (paired with Dan Stover) to last place. Unfortunately, the MilF Competition Committee was unable to come up with a place lower than last place, but if it had, LaPlante's team would have been in it. Despite his unknown status, I'm not expecting much from Johnson, since golfers who play in the MilF tend to suck. I don't see him being any different.

12:08

Nightmeister (Stewart / Pussiteriatonione) Odds: 97 to 1

Fortunately for Nightmeister, team captain John Stewart (Night Writer) is money from 100 yards and in. Unfortunately for Nightmeister, it takes him a good 4 or 5 shots to get within 100 yards of the green. Can newcomer and noted St. Cloud dago Leo Pusithoweveritsspelledi (Psycmeistr's Ice Palace) propel his team to victory?

Quick: name three prominent Italian tour pros.

...

I got Rocco Mediate and Rory Sabbatini. And that's it. So I'm guessing the answer is "no".

UPDATE: I've just discovered that Rory Sabbatini is South African. KAR regrets the error.

The Comment Trolls (Bhonerity / Schutta) Odds: 6 to 1

The Comment Trolls followed up their 2006 Championship with a strong if disappointing second place in 2007. Bhonerity remains the best individual golfer in the field despite repeated attempts to sever the tendon in his right leg just below the hamstring. Bhonereity is reunited with his partner of the last two years, Rick Schutta, who once again should provide at least two scores below dodecatuple-bogey to "help" his team. It shouldn't pass without mentioning that Schutta is perennially the most fashionably retro competitor in the field, playing with his persimmon woods.

12:16

Titaniaiaiaiaiaiaic (Baniaiaiaian / Morrissey) Odds: 50 to 1

With Superginney Mark Yost out of the tournament, King Baniaiaiaiaiaian (SCSU Scholar + Janet) gets partnered with rookie Uberblogger Ed Morrissey (Hot Air). Banaiaiaian's vegetarian diet will probably only provide him enough energy to play 10 holes, so it's up to wild card Morrissey to carry this team to the Pitcher. Can he bring down the field like he brought down the Canadian government?

Probably not.

Teh Residual Feckes (Aplikowski / Stover) Odds: ∞ to 1





12:24 or whenever Teh Andee gives up looking for his tee shot and 4 mulligans in the woods

KARNation in Golf Pants (Nihilist / LearnedFoot / Notorious BIL) Odds: 4 to 1

The favorite in the 2008 MilF, this rare threesome has been referred to as "The Dream Team." With Foot's monstrous power off the tee, Bill's short game and the Nihilist's unique ability to take gimmes on 4-foot putts, KARNation in Golf Pants is almost the perfect scramble team. However, the MilF is a minimum quota best ball tournament, meaning that all three will need to bring their total game while resisting the temptation to waste strokes by trying to peg Andee with tee shots while waiting for him to get the hell out of their way. But with such a diluted field, the returning champions teamed with a member of the 2006 runner up team should be an unstoppable force of golfing awesomeness.

=====

Don't forget, even if you're team sucks, there are several other awards to be won besides the Coveted Jim Jones Pitcher:

The Mike Bhonerity Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence: Low individual score ***There will be a trophy for this award!!!!***

The Spotty: For the biggest douchenozzle

The Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer Lookalike Contest: Self-explanatory.

And possibly some more.

Once again, the Head of Alfredo Garcia will be handling the "live"blogging the tournament. And, if he remains true to form, Captain Ed will be liveblogging the PostMilF.

Consider this post the official pre-MilF smack flinging / wager making / Chad the Elder's manhood questioning thread.

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