Thursday, July 24, 2008

Moron Mail

It's been a while, and I'm a little rusty, so I'll just fisk one:

Regarding "Bachmann, back from Alaska, urges more domestic drilling" (July 23): U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann doesn't seem to understand the subtle difference between need and want (describing the untapped Alaskan energy resources as a locked pantry filled with food while children go hungry). Perhaps a better analogy would be a locked medicine cabinet filled with morphine in a room full of addicts.

Let's tend to the real needs of our children and provide a livable planet for their future that doesn't involve destroying our environment.

MICHELE BONER, ST. PAUL

July 23, 2008. The paper carrier driving a 1985 Chevy Malibu (17 MPG city) drops the newspaper - as he does every day - at the doorstep of one Michele Boner of St. Paul. Ms. Boner, reading the text electronically printed upon former tree pulp, becomes incensed that a Congesswoman she never voted for and who does not represent her, offered a commonsense opinion on energy policy. Angry, as many unstable persons become upon seen this Congresswoman's name, she fires up her electricity-powered computer, forcefully pounds out an indignant missive on MS Works, prints it out on another piece of dead tree pulp using another device - this one, a "printer" - that uses electricity. She rips the page from the printer, shoves it into and envelope - yet another tree-pulp based product, manufactured using electricity - and stomps out to the mailbox to send it.

The mail carrier, driving in her gasoline-powered jeep, barely takes notice of Ms. Boners letter as he absently deposits it into his already bulging bag. He completes his 6 hour long route and returns to the post office with Ms. Boner's letter. The letter is sorted, using machines powered by sweet sweet electricity under fluorescent lights powered by same, loaded into a bin and placed aboard a large diesel powered semi destined for downtown Minneapolis. Upon reaching its destination, the bin containing Ms. Boner's letter is whisked off the truck and put through another electrically powered sorting machine by postal workers who can only see it because of the electrically powered lights overhead. The Boner letter again finds its appropriate bin, and is then loaded on another jeep - which is, oddly enough, also powered by gasoline. Ms. Boner's letter finally makes it to its destination: a large, well-lit, air conditioned building with lots of computers in it on Portland Avenue.

There, one Tim O'Brien chews on a Ding Dong while sorting through the mail. He reads Ms. Boner's letter, finds it compelling, and enters it into his electrically powered computer editor for printing in the next day's edition. It is sent electronically to the press room. The printing presses whir to life on the motive power of electricity, where Ms. Boner's infernal letter is propagated onto thousands of sheets of former trees. The sheets are compiled, bundled and loaded onto trucks bound for distribution centers.

July 24, 2008. The paper delivery person grabs his bundle of former tree carrying Ms. Boner's wisdom, throws it into the passenger seat of his Malibu, and once again goes about his appointed route. The paper carrier drops the newspaper - as he does every day - at the doorstep of one Michele Boner of St. Paul.

Why does Michele Boner want to jeopardize our children's future by destroying our environment?

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