Monday, July 28, 2008

Requiem for a Champion

[HOW TO READ THIS POST: Due to the lack of film footage, the MilF in review video could not be made. Instead, imagine Jim Nantz reading the following copy as he does on those CBS post-PGA-tour event video recaps over inspiring music.]

Stormy skies gave way to a muggy haze as the stage was set for the fourth playing of the Millard Fillmore Memorial. At high noon, the first group off, team Policy Johnson playing from the ladies tees set the tone for the afternoon, by barely getting off the tee. Playing a brisk round as a twosome in under three and a half hours despite amassing some 300 strokes between them, John LaPlante and Troy Johnson cruised to a last place finish. Adding insult to injury, it was later discovered that they had failed to record a two stroke penalty for a hole on which LaPlante teed off in front of the tee markers. The first in a day full of historic moments, this was the first DQ in the long and storied history of this great tournament.

Others tried and failed to master the curves and hills of the storied TPC at Valleywood. Captain Ed at the helm of team Titaniaiaiaiaic, was powerless to avoid the iceberg that was the fury of his partner, King Banaiaaininan. Launching scores into the stratosphere and irons into the air, Titanaiaiaiaic was doomed to the same fate of its namesake. By the Tenth, it appeared that that old Iron Maiden song seemed prophetic, as the ship sank "like lead into the sea".

Not even the blatant cheating by teh Andee, the lame smack by Dan Stoverfecke or the calm demeanor of team Nightmeister could keep this from becoming a two horse race. Perennial contender Comment Trolls carried by the 6-handicap Mike Bhonerity, and weighted down by the 65-handicap Rick Schutta, surged early and did not let up.

But KARNation in Golf Pants proved level to the task. Propelled by LearnedFoot's rocket launching driver, Bill's adequacy and Nihilist burning desire to piss off his wife by prominently displaying on his living room mantle a plastic Rubbermaid pitcher with scribblings on it, KARNation in Golf Pants lived up to any and all pre-tournament hype.

The Comment Trolls tied the MilF record going into the clubhouse with an 87. The record lasted only until LearnedFoot tapped in for bogey on the last, securing a new record score 83, the pitcher, and a place in history.

It was a victory for the ages.

It now seems as unthinkable as Tiger Woods losing the Buick Open (hosted by Tiger Woods), that the ultimate golfing machine that is KARNation in Golf Pants could have failed to bring home the jug. In the end, they met their destiny: hoisting Lord Jones' Pitcher while all the others sat in the background picking their noses.

[/Jim Nantz]

Other items of note:

* Fun fact: As mentioned above, The Comment Trolls took 2nd place with an 87. The third place team finished 19 strokes behind them.

* Given this fact, the tournament committee is seriously considering a new rule that any team who scored more than 105 in the previous year must swallow their, er, manhood, and play from the ladies tees. Seriously.

* Mike Bhonerity once again won the Mike Bhonerity Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence, and a pound of delicious applewood smoked Patrick Cudahy bacon ("the bacon that made South Milwaukee famous") as individual low medalist with a score of 85.

* Dan Stover repeated as winner of the Jeffie the Wingnut Slayer lookalike contest, narrowly edging KAR's own Iron Matron.

* Teh Andee wins the Spotty for his abhorrent display of douchebaggery on the 18th green, throwing my ball into the pond.

* Mad ups to John "Nightwriter" Stewart for manning the grill when the Master of Sausages couldn't man his post due to unforeseen circumstances.

* As discussed at the PostMilF: this will be the final year that the PostMilF raises funds for Soldiers' Angels. Next year's PostMilF proceeds will go to a breast cancer charity. We believe that this is a better fit of charity for the MilF, and will lend itself to all kinds of new and crass double entendres and wise cracks going forward.

* In addition to the interim Master of Sausages, special thanks go out to: Iron Matron for her Caprese and her "Cleveland Steamers" dessert; Jen Carlson for her nummy dessert; Kevin "Typhoid Kevie" Ecker for running the money to SA; Rick Schutta for the sparklers; Bill for liaising with Valleywood; The Head of Alfredo Garcia Holly Fleisshammer for the liveblogging; all the golfers and PostMilFers who made the 2008 event another rousing success; and the lovely and fetching Mrs. Foot for putting up with this bullshit yet again.

Salvation is another chance. See you next year at the 5th Millard Fillmore Memorial.

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