It is with a heavy heart but an optimistic outlook that I announce today that Bacon has withdrawn from the Presidential race. This decision was not arrived at lightly. Bacon and its staff considered many late-developing factors during this process. In the end, it boiled down to three compelling factors that hastened Bacon's exit from the race:
First, the Vice Presidential nominee announced today, Sarah Palin is hot, and Bacon is reluctant do siphon off votes from her.
Second, she's hot.
Thirdly: no, I mean smokin' hot.
Ms. Palin's nomination presents the first truly acceptable candidate in this important race. Therefore, Bacon's insurgent campaign as a protest candidate has become a nullity. Bacon has expressed to me, his spokeshuman, that he would rather see her comely face and jaw-dropping gams on the TV news every night for the next four to eight (to sixteen?) years than lead the free world. And indeed, who are any of us to disagree.
Therefore, effective immediately, the Bacon for President campaign is suspended. Instead, Bacon plans to remain active in the race by forming the Bacon Caucus (note to IM - we need a logo): a political action committee dedicated to getting a hot tub installed in the Vice President's official residence with live 24 hour web cams. I believe this is a cause we can all unite around.
Bacon would like to extend its gratitude to his staff who have worked long and hard on its behalf. Bacon also wishes the best of luck to Governor Palin and to whomever the hell her running mate is in the final months of their campaign.
Thank you, and God bless America.