Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Promoting Awareness of Failure

Citizens of the Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul:

What I am about to say to you regarding your respective mayors may shock you, considering the source. For this day I proclaim unto you glad tidings that your condition is not as grave as you once thought, with your twin midgets and their absurd administrations. While you have much to be embarrassed about with the annual tax hikes, lousy poetry opening budget speeches and other stupidities foisted upon you by the two chief executives of your two cities it could be worse.

Much worse.

Much much worse.

Much much much much much much worse.

You could have this guy as your mayor.

For you see, there's enough garden variety stupidity out there to inspire one to break a limb jumping from a gay pride parade float or to cause one complain about how the city is cash strapped moments before announcing the building of several new hundred thousand dollar indoor hockey rinks or arty drinking fountains. But it takes a special kind of dimwit to come up with this plan. To summarize, Seattle's Car Free days entails the closing of random streets on Sundays so that people can walk, bike or play in the middle of those streets to fight global warming or something.

In Seattle.

Where it rains.

A lot.

What could possibly go wrong?

I don't know why someone thought the sidewalks and bike lanes of Seattle were inadequate for walking and biking. I had always assumed that the sole purpose of streets were to accommodate cars, buses and trucks. But then, I am only possessed of the garden variety type of stupidity, so I'm slow to understand how this kind of stupid works.

Apparently, it doesn't work well.

If you click only one link today, please click that one. It's a video clip from local Seattle news broadcast that I happened to catch while raiding the minibar in my hotel room there Sunday night. By the end of it, I was laughing so hard, Mrs. Foot thought I was having a seizure.

Please, please watch the video. Count how many times you faceplam. Personally I counted 9 facepalm moments:

1) Ms. James telling us about how "a lot of energy went in to planning this event". A lot of energy went into closing a street? It must take you people years to do your taxes.

2) Closing streets is the mayor's "plan to encourage people to walk, bike or TAKE MASS TRANSIT." So the buses ran on the sidewalks then? Through back yards?

3) "I think it promotes awareness of...uh...whatever it is we're promoting awareness of." It was at this point I fell to the ground in fits of uncontrollable convulsive laughter.

4) People can't get home because the street's closed. Thanks Mayor FAIL!

5) "I've seen several people move the [road closed] signs and drive through anyway." EPIC FAIL.

6) There were more police offices diverting traffic than actual people." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!1!!!11!!!

7) "The city decided to end the 'event' 2 hours early." Thank God for that vaunted liberal compassion.

8) Q: "Is this a good idea?" A: "Uhhhhhhhhh...maybe in theory. In practice it needs a little work." The most elegantly concise description of liberalism I think I have ever heard.

9) Some residents - you know, the people who live on this street - had their cars towed for Car Free Day. Just think about that one for a moment.

That's 9 facepalms in 2 minute story. One facepalm every 13 seconds. Impressive.

So Mayor Greg Nickels, this one's for you:

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