Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Half-Assed

This morning, as every day, I headed off to the bathroom at my office, sports section in hand, to do my Morning Squeeze. I ambled over to my usual stall which fortunately was unoccupied. Pushing open the stall door, I glanced down at the fixture which was to received my waste, when I spotted evidence that the previous occupant of that stall had failed to flush.

Now, I'm a guy who likes to admire a good poop as much as the next guy. There's nothing better than the swelling of pride I feel in my bosom when regarding a well-formed and hard fought turd. This is, after all, a common conceit among men. On the other hand, I'm not at all interested in other people's poop, no matter how exquisite the specimen may be. Since I know exactly what went into the manufacture of my poop, I know that it's quality stuff. I hand picked the materials that went into my poop, so I can't get too grossed out when the same stuff - albeit depleted of its vital nutrients, minerals and alcohol - exits at the end of its journey. The same cannot be said of Other People's Poop (ya' down with OPP? Yeah it's stinky!). For all I know, that guy who forgot to flush probably ate something grody like sushi or Grain Belt Premium. Though, now that I think of it, if the mystery pooper had Grain Belt, there probably wouldn't have been any solids involved in his next evacuation.

But I digress.

Anyhoo, as I always do when confronted with a full toilet, I backed out of the stall quickly, and turned to find a more suitable facility for my sacred morning rite. But as I turned, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye that just didn't seem right. Something was a bit off. Against my better judgement, I looked back at the potty to confirm my suspicions. What I saw - or, rather, didn't see - shook me to my core.

There was no toilet paper in the pot. Just a lone (fairly impressive, if a bit soft for my er...tastes) turd.

Whoever left that poop was in such a hurry that not only did he fail to flush, but he also failed to execute the wipe! Since, wiping our butts is one of the few things that separates us from the animals, I was deeply disturbed.

So there's a guy walking around my building today with poopy-butt. Needless to say, I've been distracted by this all day wondering who this person may be.

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